Laurie

KayC and Chrissy, Thank you. Although I wish no one had to do this, it does make me feel better that you KNOW. You all understand. I just think there can't possibly be anything worse than losing your partner, because they are also our best friends, our soul mates, our whole world, the one we want to tell everything to, the one we hold at night, the only one who can really comfort us when we're upset, the only one who loved you in that way. And they're just not here anymore. It's so hard for me to accept that. I know everyone says it, but it really doesn't seem real. My neighbor told me she thinks I'm doing pretty good, considering. But once in awhile throughout the day I just have to go in my bedroom, close the door and cry, cry, cry. That's usually when I talk to Sean and tell him how I'm feeling, sometimes it makes me feel a little better, sometimes not. Does it seem strange to talk to him about regular stuff like, "OK Sweetie, I'm gonna take the boys to hockey now, I'll be back in a little while." This is such a horrible, crazy, sad fog. I never could imagine being in so much pain. I've been fortunate up till now, in that I never lost anyone close to maybe at all. I'll never, ever think about it the same way again. I think that if we can get through this, it will make all of us much more caring, understanding and sympathetic people. I know I won't take things so lightly anymore. I'll really think, is this the right thing to do? Is this really important? Is this going to hurt someone's feelings? And I'll put more thought into things and make sure that I truly feel I'm doing what I think is the right thing. I appreciate everyone here so so much!!! I can't imagine not being able to read and write here, Thank you all. Love, Laurie

Thank you Patti, Your post gives me hope that it won't always feel like this. Thanks, Laurie

Hi Shelley, I really can't give you any advise because I'm in a really bad place myself. But I'm reading and trying to keep going. Once in a while, something one of you says gives me a tiny bit of hope. It's all we can really do for now, I think. We are all here, on and off probably, not always writing but here-- understanding. Has Jamie written, does anyone know? Anyone know how she's doing? I haven't seen any posts from her. Laurie

Thank you Lori, It does help to know that we're all here together and that if no one else, I know I can say anything here and you will all understand. We'll have to keep in mind, lunch one of these days. Thanks so much, Laurie

Hi Lori, You're right-- it is amazing that we live so close and yet we meet eachother here on this site. I was just driving all up and down rt. 9 doing a few things I didn't want to take care of, but had to. Sean had closed up our pool, but he had brought the filter somewhere to be repaired but I didn't know where. I found a card in his wallet for a place in Howell I thought it might be and called. They had the filter there from when Sean had dropped it off, so I picked that up. I had to close out a CD I had early to pay some bills. I am really worried about how we are gonna make it, me and the boys. I don't make enough money to keep up this house and yet I make too much to qualify for any assistance. Maybe food stamps, I might be able to get that. But before I can go down and apply there's alot you have to collect. 4 weeks of pay stubs, the kids social sec. cards (I have their #'s but not the actual cards), proof of bills etc etc... so it will be a month or more before I'll be able to go down and apply. Now I sit here with my house already clean (from the appraisal this morning) and just wait till the kids get home from school. I hate being alone now. The night's are so horrible. I talk to Sean all the time, I tell him things. I know you guys would understand it. I tell him I miss him, that I'm sorry for so many things, I tell him how much I appreciate him-- I wish I had told him that before. I thanked him for having the pool filter fixed and for taking good care of me and my boys. He was especially close to my youngest son, Sean (who has the same name) although he is not his father, just a cooincidence. But my little Sean was only 5 years old when Sean came into my life, so they were very close. I just love and miss him so much and I'm going on and on... I thank God for this site, without it I don't know what I'd be doing right now. Laurie

Derek, Thank you so much for saying a prayer for me. I thank God I found this site. Laurie

Jenn, William, Benita, Thank you so much for responding. I'm having a really bad night. I wasn't too bad at work today, but driving home is so hard. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed with Sean's pillow and pictures and cry. But tomorrow morning I'm having my house appraised for a possible refinance. So I had to do a major cleaning, it's so hard, I seem to move slowly, everything's so hard. The boys mowed the lawn and cleaned their rooms. My son was doing a project on the computer and needed to print something out, we were out of ink and the stores are closed early on Sundays. So I had to go over to my friend's house to use her printer. She's the one who introduced me and Sean four years ago. She was friends with him first. I don't know, just seeing her and her husband (one of Sean's best friend's) just put me over the edge somehow. We talked about when me and Sean met, and how "who knew" that this guy that just happened to tag along to my birthday party with my friend that year would turn out to be the love of my life and would one day rip my heart out. It hurts so so bad tonight, I hate it so much.. how can anyone stand this??? I miss Sean so much, I need him. I'm getting more and more upset as I write. Just wanted to say thank you. Laurie

I realize that a lot of you have been here much longer than me. I just don't know how anyone can stand this for so long. The way I feel now is so awful, what a horrible feeling. Each day feels like such effort, I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I can't imagine ever laughing or having fun ever again. I feel like I have to be an actress, trying to be as normal as I can around my kids, then I go to work and customers I've had for years look at me funny because I've always been so friendly, and now they see me so sad every day. I try to smile but it's hard. My friends at work are great, but the customers don't know. Is this how the rest of our lives are going to be? Just trying to get through each day? Yes I know I have three great boys, and I'm sure they'll give me much to be thankful for, graduations, weddings, babies etc. But will I just be going through the motions? Will I ever feel truly carefree and happy again? It's 9pm on Saturday, two weeks ago today-- Sean was still alive. Everyone says time heals, but does it really? Will we ever really be happy again? Laurie[attachmentid=66][attachmentid=66]

Tori, That's a really good point. I hadn't thought about if the dog had been laying down, or maybe did it in her sleep. I wanted to add though, that once when we came home from a vacation, my labrador went right into my son's room and peed on his bed. We took it to mean that she was mad at us for leaving her. I also remember my aunt having a cat that would get a real attitude each time she'd return from being away. The cat would stay under the bed ignore my aunt for days.

Lori, I also tried Paxil once a few years ago, and I didn't like the side effects. Wellbutrin was really good for me. I was also thinking about asking my doctor about going on it again. Good luck, Laurie

Lori, I live 5 minutes from you, right down Aldrich rd. in Jackson! My brother and his family live in Howell. Small world, huh? Laurie

Brian, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child. I do have feelings of not caring anymore though. I know I have to do at least the necessary things now and force myself to get through each day. I have three sons that need me. I dread each day and night now. It feels like there's nothing to look foward to, nothing has any meaning now. I'm sorry I can't offer any hope of when we might stop feeling so horrible. I just know that so many others have been through it before so I think it has to get a little better after time. I can't imagine anyone having this sick horrible sad feeling forever. Laurie

One of the first things my mother said to me was "thank God you didn't have a baby with him", (we had been thinking about it) Then she said "Did he have life insurance, are you gonna lose the house?" These things really hurt. She never really accepted him, but if it had been my ex-husband (my children's father) she would have been devastated. Other than that, what I really hate is "everything happens for a reason.", you're strong you'll get through this. He's in a better place--- I hate that, I don't want him there, I want him here with me-- He would want to be with me, how can it be better if we're not together? I don't get mad at people, I know thier only telling me what they honestly believe, I just don't agree.

KayC, I can relate to you so much. I understand what you're saying about George not being perfect, but you loved eachother. Sean had a lot of addiction problems, that I think stemmed from his father. It caused so many problems and so much hurt, but he always told me "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." One thing I know I'll learn from this is forgivness. I saw a sign this morning that said "Peace is when the power of love is stronger than the love of power." I'm sure it's supposed to be about war, but to me it meant that my love for him should have been more important than having the power to not get hurt again. I was so hard on him, so tough, I swore that I'd never let anyone hurt me again-- so I didn't let him back in completely, I never let my guard down. I hate that we wasted so much time fighting and me being stubborn and mean, trying to hurt him back. I wish we would've spent those days and nights holding eachother. I feel so lonely, I wish I could feel his arms around me again. I miss him so much. Laurie

Someone told me that Sean will come to me in my dreams. She said that will be his way of telling me it's ok and that he knows my feelings. Does this really happen? I don't dream often, or remember them. When I woke up this morning I had been dreaming about ordering deserts from this huge conveyor belt that was going around. Strange... I was with other people in the dream, but I don't think Sean was in it. Laurie

Thank You Deborah, I'm still trying to get the hang of sending posts on this site. It's a little tricky. It does help that everyone here and my friends and family are being so supportive. It seems like every few minutes it really hits me, and all I can do is put my head down and shake my head back and forth at how unbelievable this still is to me. It just doesn't seem real yet. Of course it's only been a little over a week. I read before, I forget now who posted about changing the sheets and I can totally understand that. I haven't changed those sheets and I don't want to. I hold his pillows and his shirt that he wore on the last day, and I can still smell his scent a little bit. I look at and kiss his pictures. His voice is the recording on my answering machine, and I can't imagine changing it. This just doesn't feel real to me, I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and he'll be there. Laurie[attachmentid=64]

That's a beautiful poem walt. God bless all of us here, and our loved ones.

Dear Spunkye, Thank you. I want so much to believe our loved ones are in a better place and that they know our feelings for them. I go through these fantasies in my head where I have another chance, where it was a close call but they were able to save him. But it gave me enough of a scare and a wakeup to tell him how much I love him and that I trust him again and that, yes I will marry him, and I just know how happy he would've been. But then I remember and I know that I'll never get the chance to tell him these things. I do talk to him now, but it feels like it's more for me-- doing that. I know some people believe they can hear us, that they know. Last night I sat on our bed and told him, if you can feel how much I love and miss you, turn that lamp on... of course it didn't come on. I didn't really expect it to but I'm just so freaked out now. I doubt that I'm the only one here who hates the night time. As soon as it starts to get dark, I get very very scared. I have never before been afraid to be home alone. I keep all the lights on all night, and wander around the rooms. When the sun starts to rise, I lie down and sleep for an hour or two. I've tried going to bed with the tv on but I can't close my eyes. I think that besides being so upset, I am terrified of death. I don't think I'm afraid of dying, myself. But just going through the funeral and seeing him like that, it scares me so much.

Jenn and KayC, Thank you so much for writing and for understanding. I'm so glad I found this site. Laurie

Hi, My name is Laurie and this is my first time here, or for going through anything like this. My fiancee, Sean had Diabetes. He passed away on Oct. 8th, just over a week ago. I have so much guilt and hatred for myself right now for a lot of reasons. We were together for four years, but we had some bad problems a few years back. He tried so hard to get my forgiveness and to get our relationship back to the way it was before. But I was so stubborn, angry, hurt, bitter, jealous etc. to let my guard down again. He always said he wanted my forgivness and my trust and I always said, "I can't." It breaks my heart to know that he died not knowing how much I love him. We had gotten engaged shortly before our problems, but I took my ring off. He always asked me to put it back on, but I never would. How could I be so mean and hurtful? I put it back on after he died, that day. That's just the beginning of my guilt though. Like I said he had Diabetes. He was very careless with it and was hospitalized about six times with Pancreatitis. Each time, he'd swear to eat better, take better care of himself etc. But he wouldn't keep it up very good. I helped with his diet by buying him the right foods and stuff, but he'd eat a lot of things he shouldn't have. I have so much guilt that I didn't keep after him more. I should have made sure he took his medicine, but I didn't. It got to the point where I'd get mad at him for winding back in the hospital again. Last week, he said his stomach hurt and instead of comforting him or asking if he had been taking his medicine, I snapped at him, "Of course it hurts because you don't take care of yourself." We went to bed, and the next morning I woke up to a note on the table saying, "I'm at the hospital, I'm sorry I'm such a disapointment, I love you." So I just sighed like, well here we go again, same old thing. I took my time getting there. He was glad to see me but was in pain. He was throwing up in the bathroom, got back in the bed and told me it hurt so bad. He said it felt like his spleen had burst or something. I found the nurse and she came down, gave him a pill and said "It's Pancreatitis again, we all know you here now, stop worrying your girlfriend." He took his pill, and fell right to sleep. The nurse told me he had been resting comfortably before I got there. I sat for a few minutes while he slept, but then I went home thinking I'd go back the next day. It didn't occur to me that he wasn't on a monitor like the other times. I got a call during the night that the nurse had checked on him at 1am and he was sleeping, when she went back at 3am he was dead and they couldn't revive him. The doctor said she 80% sure it was a heart attack or his pancreas could have exploded. I just can't beleive he's gone. I want so much to be able to tell him I forgive him, I love him. I want another chance to take better care of him. I am the one who's a disapointment. I'll never forgive myself for failing him. I know what people mean now when they say you can die of a broken heart. I have three young boys to take care of, and a mortgage I can't pay on my own. I don't feel like I can get through this. It hurts so bad and worst of all it didn't have to happen, if I had taken better care of him he might be here right now. I love and miss him so much.