AB3

JHCP the pictures you shared are beautiful. I'm sorry you have to spend this day of love without your love. This is my first valentine's day without my love and I never felt so alone. As for the whole dating and breaking it off that you mentioned I'm pretty sure you are making comparisons, how could you not, we all want that identical copy of our loves but it's just not possible. Hang in there....

I've heard of "Broken heart syndrome" and boy do I sometimes feel like I can die from this broken heart...I'm sure at one point or another we all felt like we could. Marg, Robin Williams had been diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease not too long before his death. I've heard that he suffered with that diagnosis as well as depression leading to his suicide. I know it says that suicide is a sin but I do understand why people do it. Emotional pain is hard to live with....sometimes too hard. I don't know what happens after you die, but I could never see why we would be punished for ending our pain and suffering.

But who says you can't die from emotional pain? What I'm saying is pain is pain. But when someone gives up trying to live through physical pain it's o but when someone gives up trying to live through emotional pain it's not.

I'm aware of the laws that allows you to choose to end your life when you have a terminal illness (physical pain) but my question is why is more acceptable to end physical pain but not emotional pain when both are forms of suffering.

I got a tattoo several years ago in Japanese that says "Love Hurts", how ironic? At the time I had experienced heartbreak from several directions and from many experiences in my life but it is only now that I really understand it. LOVE HURTS but it only hurts when it's real and hurts even worst when you find yourself in it alone as we now all do. But my question is, is physical pain just as unbearable as emotional pain? My fiance was in physical pain, so much so that he grew tired of it...it was too much to endure. I can't relate to the pain he had on a physical level but I can relate to it on a mental/emotional level and how much you grow tired if dealing with it. But what makes it ok to give up when you experience physical pain but not when you experience emotional pain? Why is suicide a sin? When those who comit it just grew tired of feeling all the pain. It's hard to believe that we would be punished for making a choice not to suffer because in reality no one wants to die but also no one wants to live in pain. Just my thoughts.....please don't take offense.

You are absolutely right, it doesn't matter how long the relationship losing a soulmate is painful. Like you and your wife, my fiance and I were pretty much inseparable. We lived together our entire relationship up until a few months before he passed away and that was so incredibly hard. I hated not being able to be next to him but "circumstances" forced us into separate households.....a few days before he passed we were talking about how much we wanted to just be together again and I was working hard, saving what we needed to do so. You are so lucky to have had your wife besides you for so many years I only wish I had gotten that chance to get us back together. But I admire your positivity and patience to be back in your wife's arms.....that is an amazing time to look forward too.

Aww thank you Darrel, your words are comforting especially the part about me being on his mind up there.....I sure do hope so! I've thought about how you must feel as well being with your wife for several decades. When you spend so much time with someone....that special someone it is only natural that you "merge" and become one.....so I know that like I you absolutely positively feel completely alone.....and what a horrible feeling that is. I pray that we all find some kind of peace.....somewhere.....somehow....until the day we are reunited with the ones who can only provide us "true" peace I will continue trying to put one foot in front of the other And I hope you will as well......remember you are not alone.

Darrel, I do have to agree with you that many of the things that are posted on here either have unrelated replies, few replies, or none altogether. I'm so sorry, this is a very lonely and painful journey and we are all trying to find an outlet somewhere. When we share our stories and feelings on here we expect to feel supported as not everyone has a "support system" elsewhere. I do feel like we get off track on some of the post or avoid even replying to some post at all, not because the content is boring or we don't care about it but because sometimes we need an escape from the painful topics. Either way I still very much agree with you and can relate to how you are feeling. I hope you'll still continue to post because it does not go unnoticed..... we have to have somewhere to just vent....let out our painful thoughts and feelings. It's too much to carry alone....

Happy Birthday Marty! I hope this day is as kind to you as you are to all of us.

Can't believe it's been 2 months already since I lost the love of my life. It all still feels so crazy to me and just so unreal in a sense. My life is completely empty without him and most days I don't know how to keep going but yet the world keeps spinning on around me.I hate spending every day alone....I hate the silence....I hate existing without him. How unfair is it to fall so deeply in love with someone....to find your best friend the person who completes you in every way possible just to be forced to "exist" without them. We were a packaged deal. I miss my life with him. Was it perfect? No. Did we always see eye to eye on everything? No. But did we love each other unconditionally? Yes, without a doubt. I will never truly understand why this had to happen but here I am "existing" through yet another month......oooh the agony

Darrel, I can relate so much to your love story in a sense as I too swore off love and relationships at the age of 20 after being either hurt by guys or simply not respected by them. But then I met him and it wasn't love at first sight but we became instant best friends. Never met anyone like him....we could talk for hours. He actually fell in love with me and then I slowly fell in love with him even though I tried not to. It was fate though....we were just meant to be. Though we only had 6 1/2 years together we were truly soulmates, I felt like I knew him my entire life. I had a long conversation with his aunt after his funeral and she told me that right around the time he got his heart transplant ( almost a year before we met) she prayed that God would send him someone who truly loved and cared for him. And long and behold.....he sent me! I truly believe God put us together and therefore I have to believe he will bring us back together when the time is right.

Life is such a mystery....even when we think we have it figured out the story changes. Through this grief journey I've been thinking to myself.....was I naive to think that my love and I would grow old together and accomplish the goals we had set. Was I oblivious to his health issues (heart condition) and his life expectancy. Maybe I was. But what kind of life would we have had if I did focus on those things? I loved him for who he was not his physical differences.....I saw pass all of that..... the heart transplant the illnesses and all I saw was him and the love we shared. I'm sure we all here loved our soulmates with all that we had.....overlooking all the "imperfections"....planning and living out our shared goals.....and just embracing life with them. But isn't that what we are supposed to do? Even if we knew what we know now wouldn't we still choose to love them unconditionally? I know I would. Unfortunately, death is inevitable and honestly so is falling in love......we are only human.

Kayc, I'm not in that hopeful stage yet but I do see that here I'm not the odd one out. I'm sure everyone here has experienced the feelings of not wanting to be here. I don't have much to look forward to but I'm trying to stick around. I remember I use to always tell my fiance he got a second chance at life for a reason (he had a heart transplant) but never could understand my own purpose.

Gwenivere, you are right. We are all in the same boat just handle this grief journey differently

Thank you Darrel. Oooh how I miss being happy and laughing. Im learning to accept that I will never be the person I use to be when my fiance was here....that person is far gone....I miss that person and her happy spirit....it'll be nice to feel even a bit of joy.... As you say....one foot in front of the other.....

Thank you Darrel you're always so supportive and know just the thing to say to make me not feel as crazy as I feel. Unfortunately there was no sense of humor in that statement just more brutal honesty.....wishing I was one of those spirits that get to be around my love. It's hard being here when I feel like I don't have any reason to be here other than my mother....she's the only reason....I have nothing else. But I'll continue putting one foot in front of the other......

Besides being on here I just feel like the odd one out. I don't even feel a part of the world anymore...is that weird? I've been pretty isolated lately I just don't want to be around people it just feels weird to be outside and in social situations. I was never really social before, in fact I always preferred to keep to myself but my fiance was the opposite...he thrived in social situations and really brought me out of my shell. He made me feel comfortable being a part of this world and I now I just feel like a ghost (does that make sense??) I'm just trying to make it one moment at a time but honestly (I hope I don't offend anyone for saying this) I really just don't want to be here in this world, I feel like I'm forcing myself to live..... Sorry if I offended anyone with my brutal honest.....

Numb and Lost, it'll be 2 months on the 10th. I hate those dreams, he always dies in my dreams too and I like you often wish I had dreams where he was alive and well but it would probably hurt that much more. Also, I'm sure his love for you was just as strong as your love for him.

Numb and Lost, I feel like we have so much in common as I too had dreams about my fiance, one in which he has died already and I was getting ready to go to his funeral, and another where he got into an accident and I was going to go see him in the hospital. These dreams are so frightening but nothings worse than waking up to reality. I'm sorry you didn't get to see your love before he passed away. My fiance and I actually went a month without seeing each other which was out of the norm for us but circumstances kept getting in the way. We finally saw each other about 3 days before he passed and honestly the time we spent together still wasn't enough......even if you were together everyday....it wouldn't have been enough......

Darrel, believing that I will see my love again and be back in his arms also sustains me. I want to believe that there is another world out there beyond our imagination where our spirits go after we die but sometimes I question it, but It brings me comfort to think that there is life after death and therefore love truly never dies. But boy I do get jealous of all the spirits who get to be with him....

Approaching that 2 month mark and I still find myself unable to fully process his death. It makes no sense to me that he is gone.....I know that he is but it's all still so crazy to me. I don't understand why this had to happen....am I being punished for something?? Was it just a part of God's plan?? I wish I had the answers but I dont....I just feel so lost in life...stuck in this very spot unable to move. Sometimes I feel like people look at me and expect me to be further in this grief journey....like I should be back doing the "normal" things people do. But honestly, I don't even know who I am anymore, I look in the mirror and I don't know the woman staring back. I don't have the same passion and drive I once had. Some days I feel like I'm making progress but then I just completely shut down....I just don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost in the love we shared together and I wonder all the time if he is out there somewhere still loving me. Is it possible that we will be together again someday.....I can only hope....

Numb and Lost, I can so relate to all your pain. I wasn't there when my fiance passed but some of his family members who were around told me exactly how they found him and now that image is stuck in my head.....how painful it is to think about our loves like that! This whole living life or whatever this thing is that we are all in is beyond hard, terrifying and unfair. But know that you are not alone we are all here to listen and go on this unwanted journey with you.

You're right Marty, tomorrow is too much to think about let alone the rest of my life. Moment to moment is all I can really handle right now.

You're right Darrel it's not meant for us to understand....we're just here forced to live through the agony in which we all call "life"

Every day I wake up and think to myself...."why am I still here?" What's the point in living the same day on repeat. It may sound grim to some but this is reality. I miss looking forward to the weekend or even being excited about a new day in general. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. I often find myself thinking....how can I live the rest of my life like this? In such a grey, dull world. Was this all part of the plan? I just don't understand anything....