Autumn2

"One More Day" by Diamond Rio on you tube. Never heard of him before but it speaks volumes. As the song continues there is also verse to read which says even more. So poignant for those of us who would give anything for One more day...or many more for that matter.

The ashes topic is interesting. 12 years ago our daughter was killed in an auto accident. She was cremated per her wishes. She lived in a rural part of New Mexico and had discovered a very old cemetary in her hill hikes. She had shown us this cemetary with graves from the late 1800's. We, too, felt something very special about this old and basically, but not totally, abandoned cemetary and decided we wanted our ashes comingled with hers and buried there. The cemetary is high on a hill and absolutely nothing like Forest Lawn, for those who know what it is like. We feel a peace there. Our kids and one son in particularlar has been shown the way to this cemetary and will either bury us under a juniper shrub or scatter our ashes together. Different strokes for different folks.

I so remember going back to where we were raised, grew up, met and married for our 50th anniversary. Our kids were arguing sbout time, place, etc. to celebrate and unfortunately it got quite heated. So i said "lets take a trip down memory lane" and we did. We saw the first place we .lived...a four plex...now with bars on the windows, the town had really gone down. The church we were married in, and can you imagine the bakery where we purchased our wedding cake was still there. When we told the man he gave us "anniversary cookies", we saw the houses our children were born in, where we worked, etc. it was wonderful and I am so glad I came up with the idea. Later, our kids said well maybe we can agree to disagree for your 55th...not going to happen, will be 52 years February 6th. Suppose I will be writing here on that day for sure! Wonderful memories!

Darrel . You are not the only one who doesn't cry much for my hubby. It seems stuck and I feel the stress and ache and if things get really bad I shake. I need a good cry and I do cry for other things...sad movies, saluting the flag...etc. crazy. I loved my husband of almost 52 years...I think but then why cant I cry! He was my best friend. We were a team, you know how it goes. I have found if I can find something else to cry about it helps release this inner stress I feel. I found a really good movie on amazon that really helped release the tears and my body felt so much better.. it was something Chase, the story sbout bringing pfc Chase home sfter his military death. I think my lack of being able to cry started at the hospital as My hubby lay dying. I just felt I had to keep it together, then the kids came and I cried little. Now it will be 8 weeks tomorrow and I wonder why can I get teary eyed over a movie and not his dealth. I physically hurt from holding this in. I have even googled people who didn't cry over a significant loss and feel guilty even though they cried for days over the loss of a pet. My hubby was my all and i am hoping someday i can have a really, really, really good cry. I feel like if i loved him I should and yet idont cry much more than a sniffle or two. Thanks for the post so i dont feel quite so unhuman.

To everyone with guilt. I hope we ALL can forgive ourselves. I doubt I will ever be able to. when I was helping to hold him down so he wouldnt pull off his oxygen all I was saying to him was keep in on. Slow your breathing...I could have been saying I love you and wasnt. That was the last time he might really have heard those words before he was sedated and intubated and later died. Even after he was sedated heavily before they could get him intubated he was breathing like a fish out of water. I will never forget the look of shear terror in his eyes...and I was telling him to slow his breathing...he couldn't. What a crock of sh.t. He was desperate to breathe and I could have been saying I love you. I hate myself! What an awful wife lover and partner. I was not "there" with words of comfort when he needed me most. I will never forget the terror in his eyes. I know i am repeating myself but.. Please someone help me. Six weeks on and I have the rest of my life to see this but then again I am 73 so maybe that is good. Never thought getting old would be so good. How can I live without him...52 years February 6th.

Thank you Darrel. Like you said...One foot in front of the other" or also for me "one second at a time". i miss him so. As you know when you have been married so long they are a part of you. We were truly a team and did most things together. I will never forget that last morning's cup of coffee which I found that next morning when I came home without him. He was okay that morning, slight backache but he had been planting some daffodil bulbs,sitting on his special gardening stool. We had been to lunch and Home Depot the day before and he was fine. I know sepsis is horrible but the hospital did not disgnose it properly. It was nine hours before he got fluids,or an antibiotic. I am now working with the hospital / RiskManagement...not for litigation but for education and change. He had most symptoms of sepsis and they were missed for hours. Would he have lived anyway, I dont know but he had been okay for hours and then then went bad in minutes. The hospital admits there were problems. I have told them the things my family and I want and I meet with them next week we whall see. If you are so inclined check out Sepsis Alliance, on the web, and you will see many such stories, including sepsis,with cdiff. Again, we are not interested in monetary litigation but want better education with the hope of saving at least one more life.

I agree. I dont care anymore either. Now that he is gone (12/4) my feeling about life is "is this all there is...what to look forward to, nothing". 52 years and now nothing.

I am sending hugs to you Martha Jane. i,too, am new to this. I am sorry for what you are going thru but somewhat can relate. My hubby died December 4, 2016 of septic shock due to a kidney stone. He also had Parkinsons but was doing pretty well. He walked into the hospital at 10 am and was carried out at 3 am the next morning. He was not diagnosed or treated in a timely manner. On the way to cat scan he suffered a massive heart attack. I was told he was too unstable to be mov d and cardiology and urology wouldnt touch him. He was intubated and sedated. I was told they would continue doing compressions if I wanted but he would not make it. I called all our kids and they spoke to him on mY iPhone giving him their love. Hopefully he heard it. I, of course, said all the things I wished I had said earlier. I went home and got his service dog, a big golden retriever, and he jumped into bed with him. I then made the decision to extubate him and take him off the ventilator. We had always described our wishes and had our living will and advance directive. He died two hours later before any of our kids could get there. Here, He and I expected him to get a pill for his backache and go home. Never did he or I think this is how it would end. I know in my head I did what he wanted but in my heart I am selfish. I almost feel like I killed him because I made that decision but as you see he only lived for two hours. Still my guilt is tremendous. So many things left unsaid. Married almost 52 years and complacency reigns. I hope you can feel better about your guilt but it is easier said than done. Thinking of you...much in common.