Autumn2

I am so glad it is the start of the week. Not too long ago (4.5 months) I was a TGIF person even though retired. Now I have become a TGIM person...wonder why!? Weekends are awful, particularly with a holiday and yet I wanted to be alone.I kept busy yesterday, ate my hamburger for my Easter lunch and cereal for dinner and allowed myself to be morose. No, I didnt cry but did lots of good and bad thinking. Hope this week is positive and not too bad for everybody.

Hello everyone This is my first Easter without my hubby. It has been 4 1/2 months. A friend asked me what I was doing and I lied and told her had been invited to Neighbors. I had not been and if I had I would have lied to them also. Today, I want to be alone, to be depressed and to feel the woo is me theme. I dont want to have to pretend. i dont know what I will eat today...maybe pull out a patty from the freezer and have a hamburger, naybe go out and get a pizza. I just want to alone and miserable today. Crazy, eh?! Lots of I wants I know but today it is I and not We, alas.

Marie Dont know why but the last week has been horrible for me too (4 months). I really do wish it had been me. I feel so alone...even when I am not. My kids are all far away and yet call and even come frequently and yet...i feel so much guilt about our complacency and would give anything to do it again but I know I am saying what we all feel. After fifty plus years our life was "us" and now it is me. I so wish we had taken those long walks hand in hand but didnt that often. Yes, we loved/love each other a lot and yet took so much for granted. Particularly at our age we should not have. I get out every day and do the numerous things I need to do but everything is "him". I have not slept well for some time, particularly the last few nights when I reached out to a friend who I just learned her hubby had also died. We used to work together many, many years ago and I saw in the newsletter her hubby had passed a month after mine but her hubby of more than fifty years had shot himself and now she is dealing with all of this. I have all this guilt about what I should and shouldnt have done over the years particularly the day he died and can not imagine what she is going thru but for some reason her husband's actions have affected me deeply on top of my own. As I tell my kids...."do as I say...and not what we did". Cherish more, complain less, take those walks hand in hands...but I guess realistically we all have guilt of one kind of another. Thank you all for this group and sending gentle hugs and thoughts to all. Autumn

The daffodils are blooming...but HE planted them...so not so much beauty now. Just shows you everything keeps going on...

KayC. At the very end I too was kicked out. He was gasping for breath. I knew he was to be intubated but I really thought he would be okay (I guess I thought that. It was all so fast I was numb...one minute looking okay...next minute not. i never had the chance to say good bye or I love you...instead the last words he heard from me were "keep your mask on, slow your breathing". Why didnt I say I love you. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Know after 53 years he would know I cared but still...doubt I will ever come to grips with this and yes, being selfish, I wish I had gone first. He was not terribly ill before although he had Parkinson's and heart problems but he got around fine.

Thank you for the info. Ironically I was coming out of a grief support meeting breakfast when I heard this on NPR. Seems like it certainly would be a benign treatment. Since then I have researched it. I hope we can have clinical trials but figure big pharma will prevent this. The other problem is most hospitals dont have the amount of vitamin C needed as massive amounts are needed. I have a lot of guilt for not making him go to hospital earlier (but you know people do what they want to do) and for the shoddy treatment at the hospital. My goal is to increase awareness of sepsis and to try to make the most of what time I have left. Life is so sad right now...for all of us. This group is tops (wish we were all closer). Hugs to all. Think of you all and know I am not alone and can come here when I am having a particularly bad day.

I am sorry not much more to say. My hubby died of sepsis related to a kidney stone. He walked into the hospital thinking he would be given muscle relaxants and pain pills and died 17 hours later. He was not diagnosed or treated in a timely manner. My goal now is to get more information about sepsis to the general public and to see improvement of its diagnosis and treatment in the emergency room. Just maybe, had he been given fluids and antibiotics when sepsis was flagged but not noticed, maybe he would still be alive.

Thank you all for your posts. At four months, I am still taking a minute or two at a time. Sometimes those minutes are okay, other times not so much. Many times, for me, the future seems so dim. At times it is hard to believe there is a reason to keep going...how can I put 53 years aside. I am so lonely...even when I am not alone.

So sorry. Not much else to say.

I am so sorry for your husband's death. As far as your question "how to go on", I dont have a clue. I am at four months and like you...and many others here are hurting deeply. Hugs.

Hugs Gin

Four months today for me...and I guess this is the rest of my life, alas. There was BT (before Tom), T (Tom...53 years) and now AT (after Tom). Yep. Guess that is my life from now on. Feeling like what is even left?

Oh dear. Sending gentle hugs your way.

Thirteen years ago our 31 year old daughter was killed in an auto accident. December 4, 2016 my hubby of almost 52 years died of septic shock related to a kidney stone. Last week my son and I journeyed to Santa Fe, New Mexico where her roadside memorial was. Her death was devastating...but I had him...and now he is gone. Yes, a pity party right now. Going there with all of its memories but with my husband. Dont get me wrong, my son is a joy but between the sadness of her death (still) and my husbands so recent, I am a mess. Fortunately this group is there for both my hurts. Thinking of all of you with so many different hurts but our tears are all the same...regardless of age, gender, religion or lack there of, ethnicity, etc. we all hurt so much.

So very, very sorry. Thoughts with you and family.

Hi Unlike many my belief, or nonbeliefs, are like yours. Actually, I am somewhat jealous of those who believe in something but I dont so I muddle thru as best i can. Hugs to everyone going thru this unending sadness.

Hello all. Interesting topic. I soooooo agree with every single one of you here. It is almost a disappointment when I wake up. No, I am not suicidal so like several here have to be careful what I do say to family in particular. I am only (ha) 16 weeks out but feel like it is a lifetime. The one good thing is I am no spring chicken so probably wont have a long time to live thru this horrible feeling of loneliness and grief. So good to have a place where we can all go where we can let our hair down.

Mitch. Thinking of you today. I, too, light a candle on every 4th, although for me it is only in months. Hugs to you.

Hi gwen i am in a similar situation. i need my routine ten Year colonoscopy and I have no one to take me there or home. Since you are "put out" you must have a driver and no a taxi is not acceptable at least where I am. I really have no one to ask so I called one if those Angel Care places to see if I can hire somebody for the day. My kids are all over the country and I dont want to burden them with this. My best friend died a year ago and hubby 14 weeks ago. We were always a team, a duo, one...and didnt have a lot of friends. We had each other. Neighnors are great but would rather hire a stranger than ask their assistance...or maybe I wont have it done at all. What the heck I am 73....sometimes I wonder why bother. So in ways we are in similar sitations. Hugs, I know how you feel somewhat...terribly alone and hurting oh so bad!

I am in a rut at 73 but I know similar people in ruts at 21. Loss of a soul mate punches us all into the deepest of ruts. Yes. I walk my dogs but if I couldnt I would cuddle them. They are a saving grace for many of us. I should not just say dogs...cats, birds, horses, etc. dont think a snake would be too cuddly but what do I know? For me, I feel pretty "crappy" at times and I dont have any physical problems (other than my broken heart) so do what you can do. Perhaps there is some way of volunteering by phone? For sure, this group is a bunch of wonderful volunteers...you being one of them!

Sending you hugs as well as comfort and peace!

Gwen. Sorry you feel as you do. I kinda feel the same but I am only 12 weeks. Awful to think this is what is left for me. I am 73. Kids are all far away but call. We have three dogs. One is my husband's service dog...also a golden retriever. He has lots of fatty tumors. One I am particularly concerned about. He is 8. One of our sons is coming in March and we plan a trip to Santa Fe, NM where our daughter was killed in a car accident 13 years ago. This trip was planned before my hubby died. He was going to help us both get down the steep gully to the site. I had always helped my husband down the gully but broke my femur last year and now we both need help. It may well be my last trip there unless someone else can help me get down to the bottom. I plan to take our goldie to the vet when we get back. He seems totally fine but I still worry as they are prone to cancer. He misses his "daddy" a lot I think but I know if I lose him I will be that much more devastated. Just dont want the bad news before we leave and of course he is going with us as he has for many years. The other dogs will stay home with a helper. Sorry for my rambling. I think we all feel as you do one time or another, particularly if we are sick. Hard for me to imagine being really sick and alone with nobody. Scary. Many soft hugs to you. Our fur babies are a blessing.

Enna. Thank you. Very nice. I try to remember and think about the good but at times so hard. I will save this for especially down times.

Oh yes, know this. Thanks...and hugs

Thanks for all the different thoughts. For now, I will try not to burden my kids. The two that call the most frequently also have a host of their own problems. The one is in the military (special forces) so really have concerns over him and our daughter and her husband have job problems...both just waiting to be laid off. The other two dont call so often but definitely have a lot on their plates too soo I guess this great site will be my release. Thanks again for this site.