TomPB

Certainly captures how I feel. I know couples where the one left behind only stayed on this side for a very short time - less than a month in one case - and wonder why i'm stuck My grief is so intense it ought to be enough to be fatal. People tell me there must be more for me to do. Well yes I will do what I can to make sure my treasure is remembered. After that, as the blog says, eff it.

I have not - could not - written thank you cards. Every day I realize something else wonderful that I took for granted. Each time I feel it grab my throat. In the water I talk to Susan & cry. She loved fireworks & I talked to her loudly during the whole display. Yes Pat the impact is staggering. I'm at 96 days. I have 1 question for everyone in my sppt network "Can the rest of my life be OK without her? Really?" They say hopeful things but I'm not sure. I am sure that it's impossible without maximum reaching out & sharing. Best wishes TomPB

Knowing in any crisis someone wd make you absolutely top priority, as you wd do for them.,, Spent day at the beach in beautiful Ptown, enjoying the ocean and asking it if there is any point to life without Susan. No answer. As Amanda Beard titled her book, in the water they can't see you cry. Best to all. Wish you were all here for a group hug Tom

Same here. Even things I'd do entirely by myself are different without her presence.

93 days & hurting. I tell ppl life will never be as good & they say "it will be different" & I say "yeah, different & not as good" & they have no answer. Giving a single time to wherever we get is just stupid Being on vacay revisiting places we loved has some horrible grief moments on beautiful days.

Darrel your 2c is worth at least 3c. Sympathetic sharing by those who been there is all that matters. Thanks TomPB

Exactly. Susan was so happy cheering me up with her beautiful smile & telling me "Don't worry about it". How am I gonna live without that? She made it too good. I'm glad you can get to the happy place, Eagle. The pain of the loss grabs me by the throat before that happens for me.

mbbh you express what I feel very beautifully.

Thanks to all. Again, this trip has had its good moments but there are so many triggers and nothing changes the #1 fact, she's not here

Mostly the Ptown vacation has been as good as I could have hoped, lots tears but no psychotic break & some good moments despite a long list of "first time without Susan". However being solo around couples who only knew us as T&S is disorienting & horrible. Talking abt our past activities is horrible. I can't mention something she did or said without crying. Using past tense is horrible. Seeing my friends do couples things is horrible. We're doing ordinary things like having lunch & chatting & tears are running down my face. They don't seem to notice! Maybe don't know what to say so say nothing. Do I belong to this group now or am I an outsider? Susan & one sister who lives around here wd have been planning things from the moment we arrived. Now I've been here since Sat & neither that sister nor her husband, who I thought was a friend, have contacted me, not even a " how ya doin". Yes I cd reach out to them but....things are very different.

Agree. I'm crying so much that my vision is blurry most of the time!

mbbh I'm a competitive swimmer and I've been hoping I might forget the need to back off when my body says it can't keep pushing but it hasn't happened. Worse I feel grief in the pool when it always used to completely clear my mind.

For this Ptown trip packed very carefully. Got flashlight out - forgot Wrote check to grief counselor to mail later - forgot Had script for antibiotic from dentist in case recent procedure acted up - forgot And worst, said I wd bring beautiful heart Susan knitted me for Valentine's Day everywhere - forgot

I do have plans for tomorrow. Worst yesterday was being in the water and looking back to see my single empty beach chair without Susan next to it waving at me.

Thanks to all for the advice & concern. OK so far with moments of enjoying the beautiful view of the harbor mixed with periods of grief and tears, as expected. Never came here alone felt very disoriented on ferry. Many texts emails & calls with sppt net & already met some great people here. Real test will be 48 yr anniversary 6/27 when we may have some kind of memorial. Best to all Tom.

Thanks Mitch others in my support network have also said that. Some family will be there so I think I'll be OK, but I know there will be some big waves, and I don't mean water waves.

That's where I am. What might be a warm memory of our amazing 48 years on 6/27 just short circuits to the pain of the loss. Tomorrow I'm leaving for the vacation we planned in our favorite summer place, Ptown. It's really walking into the minefield. My mind is full of Ptown Susan memories. Not sure how will it go.

scba I'm there. Both of my bereaved men friends have started dating. I do NOT judge them but my emotional state is such that I'm less comfortable around them. I can't be with a couple, no matter how nice, if the wife is named Susan. I look at couples who look like they've been together a long time and think "how did you both live?" And on the other hand, I hate living alone. No idea how this can resolve into a good life. Only way for now is one day at a time.

My thoughts exactly. All our silly, playful, loving routines, a world we built over 47 years, gone.

I'm not judging my friend. I'm saying that the situation makes me uncomfortable, in part because I feel so alone

...and you have mine, mbbh. Marty, thanks for the suggestions, I am not familiar and will look.

Trauma! In the morning a Dr had told Susan she might have pneumonia but was in overall good health - I found her lifeless in the bathtub. That image....

Yeah, a dear longtime friend lost his amazing wife about 18 ms ago. I thought I was being supportive but only now realize how clueless I was. Now we have long talks, tho I've been a bit put off that he is dating already. Just finished therapy where we looked at a photobook I made of Susan. Seeing her looking so happy in so many situations really drove home the loss and I had a really intense cry. I think the therapist has a better idea of the loss also. To go from living, as the song says, "in the sunshine of your love", to being alone - no words, but you get it.

mbbh, I understand totally. My beautiful, vibrant other half Susan died 3/31 with no warning leaving me alone and traumatized after 47 years of the most loving marriage imaginable. I have great support but it can't do much about this pain. It's almost impossible for me to think about the love we had without just feeling the loss. Sharing with other walking wounded helps more than most things I try. Best wishes Tom

I have 2 men friends who recently lost their wives and two couple friends where the man has terminal cancer. I talk to them a lot. Nothing makes much of a dent in the way I feel being without Susan, but talking to them is some of the best support I have. I hate living alone, I hate sleeping alone, and I can't imagine loving another woman. Looks like I'm screwed ?