TomPB

Dr Lenera, as you say, knife edge. Will I enjoy sailing, which I love, or break down thinking about my missing partner? Is it better to have just my name on the account, or see her name when she's not really here? Today I went to lunch with some friends, which I had thought of as part of getting me through the day, and as I listened to them talking about getting on with their lives - one even has a wife named Susan - the grief kicked in and I just threw some money on the table and left.

Pat the most important thing is to say something - anything. I lost Susan my other half 3/31 with no warning. Would have been 48 years on 6/27. Nobody can understand who has not visited this horrible landscape. Best wishes Tom?

Well on 6/24 I am leaving for the condo we rented in Provincetown, our special vacation place, before 3/31 happened. Our anniversary is 6/27. How's that for walking into the minefields? I dare try only because my sister Joan is coming with me and one of Susan's sisters and husband, who I'm very close to, will be in Ptown also, and I'll have other supportive visitors. Still not sure how I will react. "She's not here" can overwhelm any situation that might otherwise be good. Just finished a long session with a financial guy transferring Susan's accounts to mine. Could knock me over with a feather right now.

Welcome. With me some are moving on, some not. I'm disappointed that most of Susan's siblings have not only moved on, they don't even seem to be grieving her much. Of mine, I'm in touch with 3/4 almost every day and my friends and her freindsare great. Certainly enough to provide good support. Of course it's only day 74.

We did the puzzle in the Sunday Boston Globe without fail. We would kiss when we finished it. I have the last one. We had a book of puzzles we took sailing, with finished puzzles marked to indicate harbors all over New England and the Caribbean where we did them. It becomes clearer and clearer to me (day 72) that the big question is how to live after losing such sweetness ??

Everyone heard "Beloved Wife" by Natalie Merchant? On her blog someone writes: "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch."That statement has been attributed to everyone from William Alfred to Spalding Gray. The first time I heard it was when I was listening to a radio story about the journalist Page Smith. In a column Smith wrote about old age and dying, he made this statement: "The consolations of an old marriage are the good news. The bad news is that one partner in a marriage, however idyllic, will pre-decease the other." Then he quoted the words above. When his wife of 53 years died in 1995, he lasted all of two days before succumbing to his own death.I suppose stories like this should prevent even the most hard-hearted of us from thinking that the story told in Beloved Wife is the stuff of overly romantic imagining. Then there's the real-life inspiration for the song."My grandmother fell into a coma in 1983, and my grandfather would sit with her for hours and hours. She passed away, and three days later he did too. He willed himself to go with her." - Natalie Merchant, Denver Post - November 1995

I used to worry about my health because I didn't want to miss any time with Susan. Now I have no fear of a quick death - would welcome it - but the prospect of going slowly without her by my side is horrible. So yeah, keeping it in the day is the only way to stay sane, but I can't always do that.

I have opportunities to help others once I've recovered some and know it will help. But like everything I think it will be a very weak substitute. Love to all

That is my question. I was living in Susan’s amazing love, and now I’m a lonely single guy. Everything changed in a few minutes with no warning. What is the way forward after that horror? All I can see with healing is less bad, not good.

Thanks Kevin and best to you too. I'm a swimmer, which helps some. Amanda Beard was a US Olympic breaststroker. She was abused and wrote a book about it "In the water they can't see you cry". Never thought that would apply to me but does it ever! Swim practice is the one place I know I'll look normal

Yesterday, day 65, I took 2 friends sailing, our favorite recreation. Susan and I were avid sailors and easily handled a good sized boat by ourselves. Was apprehensive with no idea whether I would enjoy it or just think about my absent 1st mate. My state of mind was on display as I made mistake after silly mistake in getting underway, but no harm. I actually had some enjoyable moments, possibly the first since 3/31. Then after we were back on shore and my friends left, I got a coffee and sat on the bench where we would always sit, and had a long cry.

Marg, I hear you. I also wake up around 3. Then I read. If I can drop off again quickly I'm OK, otherwise not. What I miss most is the physical contact. I'd hold on to Susan a good part of the night. I'd rub her forehead before I made coffee in the morning. No words can describe losing that, but you know.

Kevin, that's nice, but you can't hold on to it at night.

kayc, yes, sharing with those who "been there" - or are getting there - helps me the most. Hope you can find others in the non-cyber world. And it's a very good thought that Susan is at least spared this hell. However I can't help thinking that she was so much stronger emotionally than me - nothing seemed to bother her - that she would handle it a whole lot better.

Hadn't ever thought about it but it's become really clear that my purpose in life was to be 1/2 of T&S. Now everything, even things that have absolutely nothing to do with Susan, like my work, seem meaningless. Reading by myself with Susan around - happy. Reading by myself now - sad. Etc. I'm making a big effort to reach out & not be alone but it feels like getting thru the day vs living. When the "never agains" hit nothing helps. My grief counselor says she is sure that I will find new purpose. Can't see it but holding on to "believe that we believe". I suppose a small upside is that things I used to worry about seem meaningless too. I had a professional disappointment this week that would have bothered me a lot and it didn't even move the meter.

Nightwinds, the MOST helpful thing I do is sharing with family and friends, esp those who are grieving too, and I have a few. I cry a lot and they do too. Much as it seems impossible, this nightmare wd be worse without it. I tell them you can say anything to me EXCEPT "You're doing so well". I hate that. As if not being on the couch means I'm OK. I know they mean well. Our anniversary is 6/27 and I'll be in the condo Susan and I rented in Ptown. A sister is staying with me instead. I'm close to a sister-in-law and her terminally ill husband, who rented a nearby place to be there with us. I share with them a lot. So I hope I'll have enough support to handle it. I hope I can enjoy Ptown instead of just thinking about my other half missing. We have gone there before to celebrate Then Susan's birthday 7/18 will be hard.

Gwen, that's exactly the thought that was hitting me today. I feel the same pain. What is the point of my life now? We'd never said it, but I now realize very clearly that I lived to love Susan and to be loved by her. It made everything good. What can ever replace it? I'm reaching out to friends and family like never before & they love me but the strength of those relationships is tiny compared to what we had. They help me endure where before I had joy. I can only hope people are right when they tell me I'll find new purpose, so I'll endure for a while, even tho I feel like a ghost. I'm at day 53. Best wishes...TomPB

Marg and Gin, hear you. Checks will be T&S for a long time, I have lots. Susan always got the uber, zipcar and commuter rail, I just made my own accounts. Susan was the treasurer of our condo assn, all the condo mail comes to me now and I have to hand it off to her backup the new treasurer. I haven't cancelled her phone line. Phone is sitting on her beside table and still listed in mine under favorites. Haven't cancelled her credit cards yet. My benefits still covering her health care. The list is endless and painful. Mary, thanks and thanks for running this group. My experience is that online forums always have a few members misbehaving, but I haven't seen any of that here. Eagle, I do the same. I was all about protecting Susan, so why didn't I respond to running water sooner? Why didn't I stay with her when she said she felt nauseous? When doing CPR did I push hard enough?

Eagle-96, I'm right with you, 3/31 and 4/1. The remarks of well-meaning friends have also made me aware that I should never make assumptions about a person unless I've walked in their shoes. Hopefully it will make me more compassionate. I did it myself yesterday. Was talking to closest friend who lost his wife about 16 ms ago. He was telling me how he'd moved on in some ways and I said "But you're stronger than me". He called me on it and I realized right away I'd done it. Came home today and in the mail was paperwork for being the beneficiary of one of Susan's accounts. I knew it was coming but it hammered home the reality of this new life. Really hurts.

Dear All, Thanks so much for the welcome and the replies. I hear a lot of what I'm going through. Sunday I would make pancakes for Susan and yesterday I looked at the griddle and thought "I'll never do that again". I opened a kitchen drawer and saw her cookie making things...no end to it. Nobody who has not been left behind after a long, indescribably close and wonderful marriage has any idea. I am actually crying as I type this in a coffee shop full of millenials. kayc, thanks for that list. I'm actually doing most of it. I'm especially working on not being alone and talking to people. I get the most from someone who has also lost or is losing a spouse. A woman I swim with has a husband with terminal cancer & we've been talking after swim practice. My best friend lost his amazing wife about a year and a half ago and I talk to him a lot and am going to visit him this summer. The husband of one of Susan's sisters has terminal cancer and I've become close to both. He is a real power of example facing his death and we have long talks. None of them had the trauma of going into the bathroom wondering why the water had been on so long and seeing their other half lifeless. I'm not saying seeing a loved one die slowly is easier, but you do get to say goodbye and there is not that traumatic shock. I have periods of being OK and waves of grief. I know this has to be 1 day at a time. However I can't help thinking that all I'm doing will never be enough. Well meaning friends tell me how Susan's spirit lives on, I must carry on so she'll be remembered, etc. That's all true, but I tell them I can't hold on to it at night. I've come through some tough times before. There was always hope of something better on the other side. Now best-case looks like less pain, not better....Tom

Reading this post made me join the site. Eagle, I TOTALLY relate. My wife of 47 years died 3/31 with no warning. She had been to the doctor for a persistent cough and stomach ache. Was told she might have pneumonia, was in overall good health, and didn't look her age. Susan was reading in bed and I was in the living room. I heard the water go on in the bathroom. Then I realized it had been on for a long time. When I looked she had fallen into the bathtub and had departed this life. Susan was my whole world. We were best friends and were in touch all during the day. She was my sailing partner. Despite our age we were both very fit and active. I'm a competitive swimmer and she went up hills and moved around a boat like a teenager. We had endless little routines, jokes, silly pet names etc. I'm told these will eventually be warm memories. However now they just bring up the pain of loss. Several times a day I'm reminded of something we will never do again. I cry a lot. Every brick in the city, every aspect of our home is a memory. We built a very warm world over 47 years and now it is gone. I have tremendous support: professional, family, friends. I'm doing my best to avoid being alone. I've been seeking out and talking to those who have lost or are losing a spouse. However they mostly had some warning and time to prepare. I didn't even get to kiss Susan goodbye while she was alive. The sudden loss adds trauma to the rest. I really wish we'd gone together in a plane crash. In my heart I don't believe that the rest of my life can be any good without her. When I see examples of people who have moved on I tell myself they weren't as close as we were & they don't understand. I'm told to try to keep it in the day and things will change. We'll see.