TomPB

You Go KayC!

Yesterday for the first time in a while I heard one of my least favorite things.The widow of my professional mentor, who is a very well meaning friend, said "You're doing much better than I did". To hear this or "You're doing so well" while I'm feeling waves of grief sounds to me like minimizing the pain I'm feeling by someone who has no idea. I'm having lunch with her Mon and will explain.

I'm still saying "we". Sometimes add "I guess I should be saying "I" now". Too sad...

Tom & Susan world, gone now after 48 years

Never been anything but Macs in T&S world

Our 48th was 6/27. I took Susan's sister Emily and her husband sailing and we talked about my love. Susan had a paper sun hat that we always joked about getting wet. I was going to throw it into the harbor but Emily said she would like it. I would always say that our anniversary numbers were too high and we couldn't possible be that old, so I divided by 2. I would have been claiming that it was really our 24th, but nobody to play with. Best wishes Kevin and to all with anniversaries - seems there are so many.

I relate so strongly to all here who have lost a soul mate. Seems to me that not even everyone experiencing a different grief understands what it's like to love and be loved intensely, to become like one being, and then to lose the whole fabric of your life - but you do. I hope you realize that to have been in such a partnership means that YOU are a special person ❤️ Tom?

They tell me to "feel it" too and I tell them LOL I don't know how to do anything else it's not a choice

A lot of women would not have enjoyed what I like but it was exactly what Susan liked. Amazing! Cruising on functional but no-frills boats. Sitting on the boat on a mooring ("Let's just be boat potatoes today") or on the beach for hours with no need for entertainment but the ocean, each other and a book or a crossword. Camping in the Caribbean and spending a day just walking around an island. Hating to shop, buying only what we need but really getting a thrill out of something simple that worked perfectly. Finding what we liked and doing it over and over again. Susan would say "?s hate change". Well I got change now! After 48 years of that perfect partnership and intense love I am really lost without it.

Change the name to Susan & I wouldn't change another word. Looks like a lot of agreement on what is the worst loss. Some OK moments, but in between feel like no one, like a ghost.

Best wishes mbbh. I know that feeling of being sort of OK and then being hit by a grief wave. Today I used Susan's new backpack instead of my old worn one. Had sand from our vacation just 3 weeks before she died, her earphones that she thought she'd lost, and a beautiful turtle-themed name tag ??

I have friends and siblings who love me and motivate me to keep on in this cold new reality. One sister said if I killed myself she'd come to Boston and kill me twice. However the one who made me her absolute top priority and thought I was the most wonderful ?in the world is gone. I'm no one's #1 focus now. Maybe it's an ego trip to want that, and a lot of people don't have it and do OK, but after having it for 48 years it's awfully hard to lose it, a very vulnerable, disconnected, lonely feeling. Referencing GoT again, "A man is no one"

Mitch, all that goes for me. Susan was not known to have a life threatening condition and we had the end of T&S world in about 15 minutes on what looked to be an ordinary friday. Same on family events. When I wasn't enjoying it I'd know Susan wasn't either, and we'd sneak off together and laugh about it. Susan's pillows are on my bed and probably a hundred other reminders all through our home. Tomorrow I'm taking a solo day trip to Ptown, our favorite summer vacation spot. I'm taking Susan's new backpack instead of my ratty old one. Susan was easily pleased and was very happy with this backpack. Going thru it I found her new earphones, a name tag with images of turtles, her favorite, and sand from our vacation on the Virgin Islands campground. 3/1 we left for vacation, 3/31 she died. I'm doing everything I can to survive this bleak new world but maybe it's just too much for a poor old ?.

Mitch, beautifully said and so sad. I honestly don't know if I'll eventually find another partner or not. On the one hand I feel like you do, on the other hand I hate living alone and miss the physical contact so much. One thing I'm doing to fill the Susan-less hours is watching all of Game of Thrones. When Arya tries to join the cult of the many-faced god she is supposed to lose her old identity as Arya Stark. The correct answer to "Who are you" is "A girl is no one". It makes me thnk that in this new life without my identity as half of T&S, "A man is no one".

Even if I'm having one of my better days I don't want to say so since they will immediately jump to "O good he's finally moving on"

Our 48th was 6/27 and I just had Susan's birthday 7/18. On 6/27 I took one of Susan's sisters + husband sailing and I had a birthday party on 7/17. Incredibly painful in part but also good in part - everything is mixed. Now I'm set till my bday in Sept when she would always do something creative and special.

Right. But medical advances have made some amazing recoveries from accidents and physical trauma possible. There's no prosthetic for a lost other half.

Me too, tho it's the final 10-15 min. Susan went into the bathroom feeling sick but with no hint of a life threatening condition and no doubt that T&S world was safe, all her future plans in place. I went to see why the water had been on so long without ever a thought that T&S world had already ended. I still find it hard to believe and frequently replay the instant of finding her lying there lifeless.

Not all relationships are equally close. Seems to me that a lot of the participants on this site, like me, had formed a complete union with their spouse, becoming a single being. I think the closer the relationship, the harder the readjustment.

Susan held onto my arm as we walked. Recovering from a hip operation she didn't use a cane when she was with me; she said she had her "panda cane". I'd always walk her home from the subway stop if there was snow on the ground. People I didn't even know now tell me they could tell how much we loved each other by the way we walked. Now I imagine that she's there, holding my arm. Tom?

My cousin Kate broke her neck in a fall and died about 6 ms after her husband Bobby. Sometimes I envy her.

Mitch, what you say makes sense, but my reaction to happy couples doesn't come from my brain, it just happens.

Thanks Marty, I am really feeling it today, maybe because it's a gloomy day. Thinking about loss of all the little rituals that were the fabric of our life. What can ever make up for that?

It's painful for me to be around happy couples now. I was at lunch with an old friend who was going on about plans with his wife, also named Susan. I didn't speak at all as grief built up but finally threw $20 on the table and left. Since I've lost my First Mate I'm recruiting people to sail with me. One guy asked if he could bring his wife and, after running it by my grief counselor, I told him no, I don't want to be with couples. Guy who went yesterday also asked if he could bring a woman friend and after thinking it over I said yes, but she didn't come after all. Minefields everywhere. As we approached the mooring yesterday a Falcon landed on the top spreader and stayed. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Could it be her spirit?

Kayc please accept a virtual hug for that horrible experience. Unbelievable that sort of thing is possible. Best wishes TomPB