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Jackie - Richard

Contributor
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About Jackie - Richard

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/22/1951

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Partner
  • Date of Death
    11/04/2019
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Dorset UK
  • Interests
    All things animals, dogs and nature, the birds and the trees...

Recent Profile Visitors

114 profile views
  1. It is our last of the year UK's Bank Holiday weekend and our weather is dry, sunny, and very pleasant yet i as usual am sitting indoors...I keep reflecting on what we would have been doing several years back when we was back home, well we would have gone to a Stately Home, a Mansion House, National Trust, maybe taking a walk around their vast garden taking in the statues or walking round their water gardens, or maybe a tented craft show, or outdoors garden show, furniture-plants, it would often get packed, well this has now come to its end...this was what once we both enjoyed..not forgetting before my PP-MS materialised...
  2. Kayc...the worst thing about this...i was the one who chose to move here..well this was just over three years ago, myself, Richard and our then two dogs well....little did i foresee the sudden and unexpected death of dog number three seven months after moving here nor the sudden death of my Richard two plus years later...as for dog number four he has now found a forever home, a larger bricks and mortar house with a large garden not far away from this parkhome site, tucked inside a large private driveway in a lane...they have a dog of their own who looks very alike to our baby we lost soon after we moved here..I know i have done the right thing for him as he was very close to Richard, not so close to me... Yes just less than three and a half years ago there was four of us who had moved 140-150 miles to start a fresh, or extended life...I never in a million years foresaw any of this happening...three years ago there was four, now just the one...me... My Richard wont even be around to see me go.. Jackie..
  3. Oh how i admire you two ( Gwen and Kayc ) for your thinking of, and acting on behalf other people, people who too are needing some company...now if only i had a car...Yes it is contact with other people who maybe in a similar state or worse than us who really could do with the company, this would also be helping us...I would just love the thought of anothers company, if just for an hour or two, just something to break up my isolated and lonely week...it would make me feel i have something to give, something to offer, and i am not a useless or redundant person...Well-done to the two of you...Sadly i am literally trapped here where i live as being too remote and isolated, with no car and my MS disability, yet absolutely scenic, surrounded by trees and greenery, yet a triangle view of the sea in the far distance as one is driving down to the parkhomes site is view-able...where i live you could think you are living out in the countryside yet it is a coastal spot.. There is only one lady friend who bothers to set foot near me, to check i am alright and now she too is off with her hubby for a month, they will be backwards and forwards whilst they spend some quality holiday time with her twin sister who recently lost her hubby, then they are visiting another sister some distance away up north, we live in the south of UK..as i have mentioned before, this is not a friendly site, people keep to their own, no one cares or wants to know, they all just get on with their own lives, this is not a friendly or caring small parkhome community, They say people are more friendlier up north than they are down in the south, well now i can quite believe it...I soon plan on heading to somewhere in the middle...now how i am going to do this will be another stressful period i will be having to put myself through...and of course i shall now be doing this all by myself, all alone with no Richard helping me nor even sitting alongside me in his car as we drive to our new forever home together...this is my life now for however long my future is going to be...I feel so frightened so lonely and to make matters worse, i am now feeling so ill in myself with all that has been going on these last four-five months since the sudden and unexpected death of my Richard..this is starting to take it toll on my MS body and my mental state... Jackie..
  4. Gwen...I hear you, yes my sentiments exactly...quoting, " human need for connection and love. I have the love, no one to give it to and none coming in.." Jackie..
  5. Kayc ...i think it is starting to get to me, i have been stuck here indoors for some weeks now, if i was getting out and about a bit I am sure my mind would be occupied without it being so occupied with, or constantly reminded of, what happened indoors on that fateful morning...It is just all getting to me, the sudden loss of my Richard, the home emptiness, the sudden taking over of bills, the solicitor business, and not forgetting my MS which is affecting me pretty bad at the moment..I am feeling ill in myself.. If my Richard would just give me a sign telling me he hears me, and he now knows that I do love him and always have, only then will i be at peace in myself.. You are absolutely right, i never knew nor did Richard know...it was just another early - mid day morning.. Kayc, so sorry to read you lost your hubby at such a young age...yes this has robbed us both of enjoying our retirement years with our loved ones...it makes us ask the question of " was it all worth it, " our working life years i mean...My Richard was offered early retirement, a good package along with some other of his office pals, he took it after 39 years just shy of his 40th which would have matched his father at the same company several years before...We have now both been robbed of another ten or so years together in what should have been us enjoying our retirement together...or golden years...Well they are not golden from where i am sitting... Jackie..
  6. Marty... ..thank you, i will take a look at the link you posted but although i am aware of one or two members on a UK bereavement site ( Sue Ryder ) have written it all down and it is helping them, as for me, I tend to throw myself over Richards bed and touch his pillows as i talk and as i cry to him, this seems to be becoming a regular thing, i know he is not in his bed but this is the closest i can get to him ( we never slept together, i had my own room near to the loo, my MS) but i cry and talk to him telling him the same thing that i am sorry, i did-do care for him, i did, do love him, and i didn't mean half the things i had said to him, I was so nasty and hurtful to him, i know i really had hurt him when all he ever wanted to do was look after me, and he did...I am just wanting him to hear me, to know this...it is so tormenting me that it is too late now, he will never know that contrary to what he believed of me, ( he always wanted me to want him as he wanted me, ) that I do-did love him really and i am missing him so much...I just wish he could put me out of my misery and let me know that he knows this...I want him to hear me...I want him to know how sorry i was, i am, that at the one time he was needing me the most, i wasn't there for him ( when he was fighting taking his last breath ) i was too late, and where was i, i was on this d*m computer as always totally oblivious that he was in trouble ( i am so angry with myself )...yet he was always there for me, always...i had never ever known Richard to let me down, he was that punctual and reliable, he never ever let anybody down in all the 20 years i had known him...yes i let him down badly but i didn't know he was in trouble on that fateful morning, why would i have known, he never said anything, ( but i dont even think that he knew, this was sudden ) as he had not long come back from driving our dog to the pet groomers with the intention of going back an hour or two later to collect him, a 40-60 minutes round car trip.. Oh and i am also asking Richard if he remembers this and remembers that...reflecting back to some good or bad times, places we went to etc etc...sometimes with a fond smile as i recollect the pair of us together during our younger and healthier and more carefree days...visiting this place or doing that as it enters my mind, of what once our life was at its best...
  7. I have never felt so ill in myself, bodily, mentally, physically, yet still trying to keep it together dealing with the solicitor stuff...We are told that our MS gets worse when we have stress, it exacerbates it...well i have not stopped shedding tears or having a full blown cry - going to pieces since 11th April, this has been every day. I have so much pent up things i want to get off my chest, open up to tell Richard but I cant, he is no longer here and i want to say this face to face..I know if i carry on like this i will land myself in hospital...I am trying to keep things together, keep strong, but underneath i am crumbling to pieces...Not forgetting i have now lost 2 stone in weight since i lost Richard 11th April...It is not only Richard i am crying over, it is also my three fur-babies, these four are all that mattered to me, now they are all gone, gone from this life as we know it...just me left now...I cant bare this loneliness from early morning to night time..from the time i get up to the time i go to bed, this place is just a shell now with no noise, no activity... Yes i am aiming for an end goal..Get this solicitor stuff over with, get this place on the market ( more stress ) the moving process ( more stress ) I just hope and pray in a year or so's time I can look back on this and say, thank the Lord i have gotten through it, dont know how i did it but i did it...Please God let me get through this, the quicker the better, let me get through this nightmare..and please make me a better person, please let me find happiness again, and please let me want to be living again...I also ask that i go to bed at night and say to myself, today has been a good day, an enjoyable day, today has gone quickly..I want also to laugh again, i want to love again, i want to be loved again...I want a purpose back, a meaning, a use...I hope i am not asking for too much, we can have all this again, cant we... Jackie...
  8. Kayc... ...I feel your pain..quoting: " Am i doomed to lose everyone dear to me, everyone I love? " I feel exactly the same as one by one my loves have been taken from me..i too feel as if i am being punished...but i know there is a reason why you and me are the only ones left, there just has to be...our God still has a plan, a use for us, well i cant think of any other reason that makes sense.. Jackie..
  9. My Richard had been told completely out of the blue which shocked the pair of us just before last Christmas that he will be due open heart surgery to repair a valve but first they needed to sort out his anaemia, his lack of iron, now if it hadn't of been for that, he may have still been here today, we-i shall never know the answer...
  10. George... ...Oh i am, i am praying for forgiveness each and every day, all i am asking for is a sign that i have been heard, then only then, will i be at some form of peace in myself.. I have even held the bible close to my chest as i have asked, no begged, for forgiveness..this is coming from my heart...Only when i get a sign from Richard will i have some form of peace and stop torturing myself... On another American ( i am UK ) Christian site an older member who not long ago lost a daughter recommended a book she is reading called...Touching Heaven...( A Cardiologist's Encounters with Death and Living Proof of an Afterlife ) by Dr Chauncey Crandall....the book arrived yesterday...i am hoping this will give me the answers i am desperately seeking, as i do believe in an afterlife, death is not the end..it is only an end of our body..our organs, skin and bones..( cremation not burial ) ..our soul and spirit lives on... Jackie...
  11. Kayc... ...i too remember with great fondness my past Christmases with my three darling dogs...I had always put a Christmas tree up and surrounded the bottom with one for each dog a soft squeaky toy and an edible treat, all wrapped up of course...This was my main enjoyment of the morning opening the dogs presents and watching the fun... ...It pleases me that we have so many dog lovers - dog owners, past and present on our forum.. ...My Richard always knew his place, that the dogs came first before him...I always had told him, " Richard, if ever our smoke alarm goes off, i would grab the three dogs leads and get them outside our home, and leave you to deal with yourself, " i think he believed me too... Jackie..
  12. On the first link, scroll down to the centre, there is a video to watch...a history of Sue Ryder...
  13. Kayc... ... i am off crying again when you mentioned your Arlie, as i too had to end the lives of two of my babies, my dogs..the hardest thing i ever had to do, even now it still haunts me...the taking them there but not bringing them back home with us...the dogs had no idea what we were about to do...
  14. Somebody who lost their partner also posted this quote on our Sue Ryder bereavement forum which i would like to share... " I needed to be the caterpillar in its cocoon who needed to be left alone, hibernate and emerge as the butterfly when nature decided.." Links..." Sue Ryder...Margaret Susan Cheshire, Baroness Ryder of Warsaw, Lady Cheshire..Her hubby...Geoffrey Leonard Cheshire, Baron Cheshire, who founded the charity now named Leonard Cheshire Disability... https://www.sueryder.org/about-us/our-founder?_ga=2.72914067.1035797704.1565637602-1726794453.1558092191 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard_Cheshire
  15. Please somebody put me out of my misery...All who believe in God, ( as i do, ) please tell me that all my crying, talking to God, talking to my Richard is being heard and i will be forgiven for nasty things i had said to my Richard over the years that i now know i didn't mean... I was very hurtful to him, i said some nasty and hurtful things that i now keep telling him i never meant them, that i did, i do love him, and i do, i have always wanted him...I just keep praying for a sign from God-Jesus, or even Richard, telling me Richard is hearing me, and only then will i be at some form of peace..At the moment i am just torturing myself each and every day, and it is getting worse, as i am continually asking for forgiveness and i want my Richard to know how sorry i am, and that i Did love him, i Do love him, i Always have, i Always will...You see, he always believed that i never wanted him, things i had said to him over and over again...now he will never know how much he meant, means to me, its too late now to tell him face to face...This is hurting me so much, just breaking my heart..I now know how much i meant to him, he always wanted me even after the way i treated him...i just wish i could get that sign that God, Richard is hearing me and forgiven me... Jackie..
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