Gracie4ever

He has clearly not allowed an animal to grace his life with their presence and is losing out on a beautiful relationship. He cannot fathom it. Truly his loss. Here, you are with people who understand, yes, we get you!

What a precious friend you have and what a special blanket for you and your girls! It brings tears to my eyes, so beautiful.

Thank you, Marty! I wish you offered one-on-one counseling. 😄

Any tips for finding a good grief counselor for one on one? I suppose since everyone is doing it online, I could pretty much hire anyone anywhere.

Thank you, Kay. You’re so right...there are plenty of reasons to get counseling!

Marty, what you just wrote really struck a chord with me. In just reading your first sentence I started to cry already. I don't think I had cried in the past two days, just trying not to think about it and trying to keep the negative thoughts away. It's like when my friend asked if I wanted a kitten and I said, "no, I'm still deep into grieving"...so yes I associate my level of grieving with my love for my girl! Very insightful and will help me cope from now on. Thank you, Marty.

Aww, Marty, you're the best!! You are right, it can change my life for the better. I know I tend to get stuck in my own way of thinking and just dig myself deeper and deeper into emotional pain. The last time I met with her, she introduced other ways of thinking and I thought to myself, wow, that actually makes sense! She was looking out for me and I wasn't looking out for myself! I really think I will do it. Thank you so much for your continued support.

Marty and you are lifesavers, dear! I wanted to update you. I had a "virtual visit" with my doctor a month or two ago, and I had mentioned that I was having panic attacks. She offered a few medications and told me to think about it. I have decided to ask her to fill a prescription. I asked her about taking it temporarily and not long term, just to see if it might help. The fact that this happened during Covid definitely made it more stressful. Also, three years ago I met with a counselor a few times. Now she has her own practice and costs a lot more money so I don't know if I can see her, but I might try just going once, or perhaps twice, after saving up more money. I thought she doesn't specialize in this, but I was viewing her website and she does specialize in my personality trait plus "trauma"...this was definitely trauma for me!! I like what she says on her website, that she helps "identify negative thought patterns that impact behavior...and learning to be more compassionate, understanding in the present rather than judgmental, shameful, or critical". When I saw her before, it was the first time I'd ever sought out counseling and it helped me so much. I feel I am at that place again in life. I need all the help I can get. Please pray for me in this continued road to finding some measure of peace. I keep seeing my girl sleeping on the couch and reliving her last 20 minutes, and what I feel I didn't do. I know the Vet didn't see anything wrong with it, my friend that came with me told me, "you pet her as soon as you could and you pet her until she was unconscious"...but my mind is just stuck....stuck....stuck.....she is not suffering now, so I need to let it go. She is not suffering now...I need any advice on how to make the bad thoughts and doubts FADE....please please fade....ugh...

Yes, I keep telling myself the main reason I didn't choose home vet was because we already had this appointment with the Vet and I worried if I tried to book with home vet they could not as quickly and she would suffer longer. And I really trusted my vet. What really gets me is that either way she is not suffering now, no more suffering for her of any kind, no more anxiety...so why am I not able to let this go?

Back at ya, my friend!!

Now you see why I decided that instead of having a stranger come to the house, I felt more secure in asking this Vet to bring Gracie, rest. It's a small Clinic with three Vets. They are all nice, and all had met Gracie at one time or another. But this one...she was hands down the best for me and Gracie. I felt so secure with her and she was always very patient to answer all my questions, either with phone calls or very detailed emails. We had just met her in the last year and I am so glad we did. I am trying to take her wise words to heart. Right now it makes me cry to read her letter, but I did print a copy and place it with Gracie's bag of belongings. After Covid, I wish to bring her some kind of gift or perhaps a gift certificate. You know, I had recalled reading something about the "stages of grief" on your site and that it was somehow incorrect but I couldn't remember exactly how. Thank you for this explanation. I know that for me, I really do vacillate from one thought to the next...sometimes I will stick with a thought, like right now regretting that I wasn't more affectionate towards the end...just one more hug or one more kiss...that's the thought that is plaguing me the most now but I do also go back and forth on the other issues, too soon, too early, etc...so that whole thought that we have stages, didn't really make sense. I will do it MY way as you suggest. I have a temperament which is known to be very sensitive to loss...I feel and think things very, very deeply. Maybe this is the only way I can grapple with my grief...all the overthinking...Thank you Marty, words cannot express!!

How are you doing, dear? Just checking in...

We did our best. I am expecting myself to be not only perfect, but able to read animals' thoughts, their feelings when they may be hiding whatever is wrong, assuming that my cat would've cared if I had pet her before the first shot...which might not be further from the truth. She was suffering and perhaps it would not even have mattered to her if I had pet her before the shot. And if I had held her before we left home, perhaps I would've been hurting her, since she had intestinal things going on. Perhaps what I thought was showing affection might've been felt by her as pain. If I had done it, I'd be regretting that now!! So yes...just gotta keep telling myself I did the best I could. I did the best I could. You did the best you could, Kay! I signed up for two Zoom support groups but they both took place this week and won't happen again for a month. I wasn't able to attend, but hopefully for the next sessions. I think that hearing other people expressing the same concerns and issues I have been expressing...at any time in my grief journey, that will be consoling. This group has been so consoling...just having a safe place to put all my thoughts out loud has been so helpful. Even at times when I'm typing and crying - it has been therapeutic. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Marty, Kay and all....this is the first place I check in the morning when I wake up. This is my place of comfort. A place where we are all hurting but finding comfort in each other!

That's soooooooo beautiful!!!! It does my heart so good to hear about your babies getting along so well!! Thank you for sharing your story. This is a place to share our grief and also our joys, and your story encourages me to think that perhaps, just perhaps after I have grieved for a long time - I know I will never stop grieving Gracie, she will always be precious to me...but maybe at some point will come the time I can welcome someone else into my life and honor her in that way. As you are doing. Please feel free to keep sharing these stories. They give me hope. When I wake up in the morning, this is the first thing I do - check this group for any new messages. I've been waking up at odd hours, like 5 a.m. and yes, this is what I check. Blessings to all of you.

Yes, I'm trying to listen to calming music and this morning I have put a "calming blend" on my wrist to keep smelling as I type. One of my friends was listening to my concerns and said that's the "bargaining" phase and then she said she had her cat put to rest at home because he didn't like car rides. Then it made me feel bad again, for not having in-home Vet visit...my girl didn't care for car rides, either. But the thing is, she already had this appointment set up at the Vet office for lab tests. I wanted her to rest as soon as possible and stop suffering. Had I waited to set up an appointment with in-home Vet she probably would've had to wait longer. So I have to keep telling myself not to regret this! I ended her suffering sooner, plus I really trusted her Vet. I gave her anxiety meds two hours before we left, also sprayed the carrier with that stuff for anxiety, and found a homeopathic remedy for stress too, gave her all of it. So at least I did think of that. But I can't get out of my mind how I took her from sleeping and placed her right in the carrier and we left, for my friend was there to get us. That picture won't leave my mind. BUT....had I pet her and held her, and done it slowly, I still would feel guilty now for somehow having "fooled" her. And due to Covid protocol my friend washed her hands and I washed mine, and the Vet came in right after that. So I hadn't had time to pet her again and I placed her on the table. They asked were we ready to proceed and I said yes because my main idea, "end her suffering as soon as possible"...and also, end her stress from being at the Vet. As soon as they gave the first shot, I pet her until her head lay down. So I was there in the last moments. And so again I try to reason (or is it bargain)..."If I had pet her before the shot and heard her purr, I would now feel bad thinking that was stress purring. If I had pet her and she looked around anxiously, that would now be a bad memory for me, too"...so in other words, as was said before, "there are no perfect options"... and realistically, petting her never gave her comfort at the Vet. One of my friends said I'm stuck in the bargaining phase. Not that I feel I could've somehow prolonged her life, but just that I wished I had done things differently. Kay, I know for you, there are memories towards the end that trouble us. We gave our pets the best lives ever, we loved them and nurtured them. They are not suffering now. They are not suffering now. They would not want us to be suffering either...easier said than done. I wanted to share the email I got from the Vet. She did all she could to comfort me, and thus why I felt that having her help me with Gracie at the end, was a good choice. I'm not sure why it's showing up in pink. First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. They truly mean more than you know. Please let me reassure you that everything that you are feeling is completely normal and expected after the loss of Gracie. She was an important and valued family member, and you were deeply involved in her care for such a long time. It is very normal to run through some of the 'what-if' scenarios in your head, and it is not uncommon to struggle with feelings of guilt in these cases. If it helps you any, I also struggled with some of those same thoughts and feelings after my cat Edgar passed away. However, as much as it is normal and expected to have those thoughts and feelings, please let me reassure you that you provided an excellent level of care and I don't believe that Gracie was suffering. You are absolutely right that cats do hide their pain well, and while I think that Gracie was declining toward the end, you were very conscientious and provided pain medication and anti-nausea support to help her feel the best that she could. You knew her best and you always kept me informed about her condition at home, and there were no updates that were overly concerning. Gracie was an elderly cat with chronic illnesses, but I do NOT believe that you waited too long to let her go. I do think that it is common in cats with chronic disease (especially multiple chronic diseases) that their body has a 'steady state' where everything seems to balance out and they are doing okay - until one thing worsens to the point where it is no longer in balance and we see a more sharp decline. I think that is why you noticed that it seemed to happen quickly - because that more serious decline did happen quickly - and that's normal. Gracie was lucky to have you, and I have no doubt that she knew that you loved her. You provided her love, wonderful care, and a peaceful passing.

Thank you for the advice. I will do research first on medications. Help with sleep would help, too. Last night I slept only from around 3am until 5am.

The euthanasia grief that makes me go back and forth about "too soon" or "too late"...I feel it was just the right time because she seemed to show me signs of still being happy before the last two days, purring, stretching happily. So right when she seemed to be going downhill fast from renal failure, she was put to rest. However, I think of how for at least a week or two, I noticed she would lay down very slowly, as if she was having pain either from inside or from arthritis. It seemed like once she lay down she felt fine, so it never occurred to me that maybe the pain at that point, needed to be relieved. In other words I'm not sure I had her put to rest soon enough, maybe she should've been put to rest sooner. This euthanasia guilt is so bad, I really need to readjust my thinking and work on that chart you provided in another comment. If she was having pain, she is not having pain now. She is not having pain now. Maybe I need to keep telling myself that. I know you understand me when I say I wish there were specific memories that I could just have removed from my memories completely. The thing is, I never would've thought to put her to rest for having arthritis. Oh, this guilt thing stinks!!

You really do have the signs everywhere, too, Kay! I realized also that years ago, she used to jump up on a window ledge and hang out there. I see lots of marks from where her claws dug into the wood frame, too. As painful as all of these things are, I don't think I will ever remove them. The marks in the bathroom where she rubbed her scent, I look at them every single day. Yet, I don't think I will ever remove them...even though they hurt.

Gregg, that is one of the hardest things for me is realizing I will never see my Gracie again or hold her. I still remember what it was like to rub my nose on her soft furry head. I miss her so much. I feel your pain.

When I reached out to the new friend in Africa, she didn't know me and I didn't know her. I had only been told about her grieving her dog. Her reply was, "OH MY GOD!!!!! This means the Universe to me! You have no idea!!"...we do need our love/grief validated, it is SO important!! I even told my friends if they ever find others who are in pain, send them my way. I feel their pain. I do believe that God comforted me so that I could comfort others. One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that the Vet had set aside an appointment for Gracie and I on Wednesday, and on Monday, I started to notice it seemed like Gracie was getting worse. I prayed that God show me on Tuesday if she was really suffering, and I saw her falter on her back legs several times. By Wednesday morning, she seemed to be walking a bit better and I had doubts so I called the Vet. I hoped this meant she was fine, but in reality I know they have good and bad days. That's when she said Gracie has been declining for a while and better a day early than a day late. I now believe she was in renal failure and she was ready to rest. Once I realized that, then instead of thinking I had made the decision too early, I feared I had made it too late. But the night before, she had really shown me she wasn't well. She kept laying in odd places in the house that were unusual for her and she didn't meow in the morning to be fed, even after P went and pet her, she didn't get up for food until quite a bit later. She had lived a long life and was tired. It just breaks our hearts that they can't keep on living with us, that they have to ever leave. Obviously I'm still living with the euthanasia guilt, but I am reassured by you and Marty that it will lessen, with time.

Yes, just like that! They leave their marks on your home just as in your heart. I picture my girl everywhere, too. It's so hard.

I live alone, too. Gracie had a bad episode back in March and I hoped her health would be ok until the end of the pandemic, but I had no idea how long it was going to last. Thankfully when she started to crash, they were willing to allow me into the building and into the room with her, and for a friend to come, too. Now I am completely alone, and as you imagine, it is very difficult. Friends want to be there for you but they have their own lives and the silence is deafening, and all of the reminders. I hear a noise and think for a split second maybe it's her, or think I see something out of the corner of my eye. I've thought perhaps about anxiety medication. I'm glad you mentioned it. Last night I was talking to a friend with online video and she wanted to keep talking but once it started to become night, I started feeling more anxiety and almost panic attack. I didn't want to be on the phone with her. I wanted to be ready for bed and reading more about grieving, checking this site for comfort, etc. Days and nights are both hard, all the time is hard, but somehow at the arrival of night, I have a really hard time. I might look into medication and ask my Doctor about it. I'm a nurturer, too. I take care of everyone else but don't know how to afford myself the same. I'm working on it, I need to, or I won't survive this.

Awww.....Gregg, thank you for sharing him with us. Leon is beautiful and likes to play. I'm so happy to see him! I'm so happy for you, thank you for giving Leon a family! Mango will always, always be a part of your heart and your family.

Gregg, I’m really happy for you and Leon and your other cat. I’m so happy they already get along! I think perhaps he was named Mango just to get your attention and bring him home. You have so much love to give, thank you for rescuing Leon, and sharing your story with us. If it’s possible, could you post a pic?

I think support groups like this one are great because you can read the comforting words of others, over and over again. I’m very forgetful so it would be harder for me to recall words said to me verbally. Also, for me, words I can see, make more of an impression to my heart. I’m an expert at negative, self-blaming and second-guessing. Just now the thought occurred to me that at some point she stopped jumping onto the bed and I thought she just wasn’t interested but now I think maybe it was her arthritis. But she was still able to jump onto the couch and sleep and I didn’t see her finding that difficult until towards the end. Why do I keep reanalyzing everything? I wish I could turn that off.