Boho-Soul

You need to bank on what is right now, not what could be. No one has a crystal ball predicating the future, and it isn't wise to create a mental 'what if' or 'what could be' story. It appears that you're engaging in mental rumination. Rumination can either be reflective or brooding. Reflective thinking provides a chance for one to reflect on behaviors and consequences while not letting past events affect their daily life. Brooding or repetitive thinking about the same event causes distress while hoping to solve or resolve, and it can lead to negative moods and opinions of oneself.

As Marty said, you may never receive an explanation that makes sense. In my own grief and growth journey I've come across a phrase - "Let it be". It's something I've embraced as sometimes one has to move forward without answers. Let It Be: It's about leaving things as they are, or how it will be. Stop being involved as you don't hold the strings and aren't responsible for everything — don't interfere with it, disturb it or prevent it from happening. Leave it alone. Let It Go: It's about trying to achieve resolution by forgetting whatever is troubling you. It's action based which implies effort to rid ourselves of the thoughts and feelings. But one cannot shrug off thoughts and feelings or remove them. Here a link to a site with an interesting 8 minute read article. https://firstaidforfeelings.com/blog/let-it-go-versus-let-it-be-which-is-more-helpful/

I've never heard that cliché or motto before. I too don't agree that those who are widowed need to be in a new relationship to prove they have rebuilt their life after loss. That's like saying those who chose not to marry can't or don't have fulfilling lives. I'm still young, and I will and am rebuilding my life since the death of my husband. Of course it will be different than what I had dreamed, but I think that's part of acceptance with grieving, mourning and moving forward with life after loss. If I chose to be in a relationship again it'll be to share my new life that I have rebuilt myself, I won't get into a relationship to rebuild my life or to prove that I have.

Early days/months of any loss is hard. I get that you feel rejected, and your feelings are valid. Just show yourself a lot of self acceptance and love at this time.

That's your perspective, she also had/has stress etc. associated with her loss, so don't dump that on yourself. If you keep allowing yourself to be looped into those unhealthy thought patterns it'll just cause you further undue mental and emotional stress. You somehow have to work on accepting the reality of this situation. It's like you're trying to put the fallen leaves back on the tree just because you miss the summer. You can undo the past, so figure out how you can move through this season of your life. The "if I had just..." is living in the past, and you saying, "you feel like you could still be in a relationship with this woman," is future based. Sounds like you've created a storyline based on a possible future with her and since it's not unfolding as you hoped you're now experiencing the loss of what could be. If you're locked into ruminating about the past and mourning over what the future could have been you'll be stuck and miss out on the now. Live in the present, as hard, sad and heartbreaking as it is. Seriously, focus on you and on the present, without regrets of the past or expectations of the future. Let go of the stories.

I have a heavy heart hearing this news. You and your family are in my prayers 🙏 It's truly such a blessing that you have been able to reunite with your parents. Your forum family are here for you when you feel the need to share ♥️

You're very welcome, I'm glad to help when I can, as is everyone who has posted. Please continue to post when you feel the need. We're here to help with whatever comes up, and I'd love to know how you're doing as you work through this personal time in your life. Be well friend.

I'm no therapist here, but it appears you're stuck in the recent past when you say, "But I WAS in her life." The reality is, right now you're not. You said, "If, with time, I can remove any pressure or stress that was associated with my previous expectations..." Again, that's in the past. You can't undo the past. Then you said, "Of course, if she doesn't have space for it, I respect that." To that I say, "Do that. Respect where she is right now." If that means you're not in the picture at this time, so be it. Focus on the reality of now, not what was. Final thought - you've got a lot to process here, perhaps continue to work with your therapist around these challenges.

I'm quoting Marty's response to your question, ask yourself - "Whose need am I meeting here?" Perhaps you're wanting to be a friend with the hopes that if you are in her life in someway then the relationship can survive. It appears you're thinking about what you need and not looking at this from her perspective. Her life has been hit by a tsunami, as well as her family. Any extra energy she may have would be directed towards them.

This is a great perspective Marty, thx for posting it.

I'm the same, I share some things like updates on how the sorting is going with my daughter, but not my inner thoughts, worries etc. like you say. That's a blessing of a true connection, when they enhance you and your life. I love that your husband fostered that confidence in you. My Michael was supportive early on, encouraging and supporting me when I went back to achieve my double diploma studies. Yup, me too. Covid deleted a lot of my friendships. I so agree with your comment about just wanting someone who is an active listener and not a fixer.

I agree. She's lost in grief and needs space. You have to accept the fact that she may not be the same, her grief will lighten or fade somewhat, but it will never end.

Been trying to manage my feelings of intimate or emotional loneliness, the need to have a close partner or confidant to share my private ideas or feelings with. I’ve made a few new friendships through my church, so I’m feeling well with my relational or social needs for quality friendships and support. But I still get triggered by loneliness because even though I have new friendships and an awesome support network, I still feel empty because I don't have someone I trust enough to share my deepest fears or thoughts with. Not much else to say, just needed to type that out.

Allow time to pass, let her work through her grief in her own way and timeframe. Then shift the focus on yourself, do whatever you feel is best to foster the best you for yourself. Read books, go to therapy or do whatever self-care, self-improvement you feel supports your personal growth. Then, maybe, if she connects with you again at some point, she will see you as the stronger person you have become through a challenging time. But - and this is important - only do this for you, not for the possibility that she may come back into your life again. Honor yourself, and live with the intention of being the best person you can be for yourself. Trust in the unfolding of your life.

I didn't realize she said she couldn’t be your girlfriend right now and ended things. Must have missed that in previous posts. Her decision needs to be honored, as hard as it is for you. I really can't see a way you can be a part of her life without her feeling stress or pressure. So sorry you have to go through this. Please continue to post here as you experience and process your own grief around this.

I hope that for you too. Right now I suggest you focus on your own self-care. If you believe this feels like or is a break up, then direct your energy towards your needs and healing.

Thanks for your kind comments. It's part of my nature to help/support others, I have a heart for those who are struggling. I sometimes think that helping others on this forum may help me process my loss, although my scenario is rather complicated in it's own way. The gift card is a nice thought, but it's not the right time. I really sense you want to help her, and that shows your caring heart, but I'd hold off on that nice gesture. In the early stages of my loss I had friends who thought of nice things they could do to help me. All came from best intentions, but the timing was off. One friend wanted to pay for a home cleaning service, lovely idea, but I didn't want strangers in my home before I had even had a chance to sort through belongings etc. I know a spa gift card is not the same thing, but she needs to sort out what she needs at this time. Even though a spa day is a fabulous idea, it's still you determining what she may need at this time. Sorry to crush your idea, but I just put myself in her shoes (best I can) and respond from their. Sending you a virtual hug friend 🤗

Okay, so this is super early on with her loss. The fact that she hasn't contacted you isn't telling you anything specific. I view her not responding as a reflection of her emotional and mental state. I need to stress the important of this, speaking from real life experience, the early days/weeks/months of loss ands grief really take a toll on you in a way you truly don't understand unless you experience it yourself. Honestly, I believe she just doesn't have the capacity at this time. One's thought processes are chaotic, emotions are overwhelming, and in those early weeks one may experience shock, which again from experience numbs all emotions for self preservation. Our minds to try to protect us from pain, so following a loss some people may find that they feel numb about what has happened. Shock provides emotional protection from becoming overwhelmed, especially during the early stages of grief, and it can last a long time. This is natural and helps us to process what has happened at a pace that we can manage, and not before we are ready. It is natural and can be a helpful stage, and if numbness is the only thing we feel this can cause us to feel 'stuck' or 'frozen'. Your girlfriend is going through a lot my friend. If she said she needs time then honor that. Perhaps she didn't say she needs 'space', but that's just semantics. I'd hold off on the email and wait. Stay connected here and let us know how things are unfolding. We are here to support you the best we can in this virtual place.

Hard questions, and hard to answer. Death really does mess with ones mental processing, so it's really an unknown if she just doesn't want any contact with you at all, or if it's due to the delicate situation of her recent loss. Grief is so incredibly unpredictable, and as you probably have read, everyone responds differently. Not sure how long ago her loss happened, so perhaps if it's only been a few weeks then wait before sending a brief email, as those early weeks of loss and grief are messy and can be all consuming. Wish I had solid answers for you, but life doesn't come with a play book. My heart goes out to you ♥️

A short simple email is definitely better. If it's too wordy she may not want to read it, or again have the capacity to process it. It's best to not state what you're currently doing, such as reading all about grief, and I wouldn't use the word 'worried', if she still has feelings for you your state of worry may add to her stress. Your relationship is new so you really need to trend lightly. The below statement shows respect around her situation and it lets her know you care without appearing pushy. Perhaps say something like: "I want you to know that I respect and honor the space and privacy you need during this time. I also want to say you've been on my mind and in my heart."

I admire the courage you have to go see a therapist. Gold star for you ⭐ Glad you're taking the time to focus on you. I'm not a therapist, nor have I read the history of the many on this forum whose relationship did not make it. That said, there could be many who don't post here and have managed to weather the storm of grief in their relationship. I don't think it's a cookie cutter situation that all relationships end the same way. I don't know if it'd be holding onto false hope, or my optimistic nature, but I don't think the door is shut and locked on this. I guess time will tell.

I agree, you can’t look forward to the future if you keep looking back at the past wishing you could undo damage. There’s no undoing. There’s only learning and moving forward. Such a hard scenario, I truly hope the best for you 🙏

Dang 😬 Hopefully with the change of seasons the smoke will blow away 🤞

Not now, if you do anything it would just overwhelm her. It comes back to her capacity, she's not in a mental or emotional space to process anything other than her loss. Death can hit you like a freight train and it affects all areas of ones life. If her mom is alive then she's also reeling in grief of the death of her husband, which then sends a ripple effect through the family. Hard as it is, it's best to create that distance. Perhaps sending a sympathy card to her and her family would be an appropriate gesture, simply writing, "Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time." Nothing more, keep it short and simply as to not overwhelm. Sending it by mail also allows that distance.

Although you are both facing loss and grief, her loss has involved the death of a close loved one. Perhaps, it's not so much that she's demonstrating she doesn't need you and and more about the fact that she does not have capacity for anything other than grieving during this time, especially in the early stages of loss. Being on that side of loss myself I can honestly say that is true. kayc's response is spot on, back way off. I would not send the email. You say you want to respect her space, then do so. And as much as you still want to be a part of her life, you saying that comes across like an expectation, and relationships aren't one sided. All those question at the end of the email are overwhelming and if she did read them it could potentially add to her stress, especially that last sentence. Again, DO NOT send the email. And allow her space to grieve. Instead of you thinking of how you would respond to her needs, take this time to focus on you and your needs. Food for thought - In my experience it's best to live life with intention rather that expectation. It's about holding expectations vs. holding intentions. Actions motivated by expectation focuses on what could happen, it fixates, and typically focuses on a specific external outcome. Intention operates in the present from one's own responsibility and personal commitment, creates distance and is not contingent on external cues or outcomes. Regarding this girl you care about, if you live with the expectation that someday she'll reach out and want to pursue the relationship and she doesn't, or if she does and it is unsuccessful then it's like a precursor to resentment, because you are attached to the outcome which is based on external factors, something you can't control. Expectations are a trap. If you meet them you expected it, if you don't you're disappointed. If you live with intention it involves self-learning, and your focus is on your own personal commitment. So instead of asking those questions about whether you contributed to HER needs, focus is on your needs, and what actions can you take to live your life with the intentions you choose. Hope that all made sense.