Janine

Just seeing the words "baby sister" makes my heart ache. I lost mine in November 2006. Baby sisters are supposed to outlive us big sisters. Teresa did not die of an overdose, she died of neglect. She neglected herself and ignored the warning signs that she should ask for help. The night before she died she told my sister-in-law that she knew she should be in the hospital but she didn't want to go and leave her family at home alone. She had a Dr. Appointment Monday any way. She died on Sunday. I started a journal and write to her every night. It really helped to get my feelings out. I look at my early entries and I was very angry with her and I let her know it. Now I try to tell her something good that happened each day. I have felt many of the emotions you are feeling now. For some reason, even though my husband is very understanding, I had distanced myself from him as well. Four months later I still have times that I just want to be alone in my grief. I can't really explain it. I hope you keep coming back. This group has been my sanity and it has helped me work through so much of my pain and anger. Be kind to yourself and do not think you are insane, you are grieving and it is not an easy thing to do. Peace is within you Janine

Martin I feel so much of your pain. I remember everything becoming so grey. You are still in shock and your mind blocks out the strangest things when the pain becomes unbearable. The colors will come back. Teresa was cremated as well. I don't know how they do things over there, but we were all allowed bring something non metallic to be cremated with her. I wrote her a letter and wrapped it around her favorite herbs from my garden. Afterwards I got a small amount of her ashes. I plan to bury the ashes with a tree I am going to plant in her memory this spring. It will be hard to go Friday, but you will have family there and I will be thinking of you and sending you strength. The body only houses the soul, he will not be in his body but I believe his spirit will be there to give you strength as well. Marty has a web site that has some helpful information. I just started her course The "First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey". I wish I had started it months ago. It is really helping me by having a path to follow and being proactive in healing myself. Her web site is GriefHealing and her e-mail course is The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. As I said before, keep coming back here, I will listen. And what were you doing lifting a car? Don't they have jacks in Ireland? Peace is within you. Janine

Beautiful sorrow. My English teacher used to use that phrase when discussing her favorite poetry. I didn't really get it at sixteen. I understand it now. Thank you for sharing it with us. Janine

Martin Three days is a deep open wound. Feeling like you are going to throw up is normal, I did the day of the funeral. Three weeks later I was lying on my hardwood floor in a pool of tears. Four months now and guilt still sticks its ugly little head up, I just am able to reason with it better. I have really bad nights, like last night. One of my 26 nieces (big family) is moving to Florida and I went to her “sending off” party. It was wonderful to see everyone and I had a great time. Then I came home and crumbled. I was loosing another family member, what if she never came back. Reason kicked in around 2:00 am and told me that she wasn’t lost, she was a brave young girl who sees what she wants and she is going after it. God, I wish I was as brave as her when I was 20. You should see the doctor and tell him everything. I started taking Xanax to sleep and calm the panic attacks a month after Teresa died. I was suffering from sleep depravation and it was affecting every part of my life. I also felt guilt when I was enjoying myself. I still take them every now and then when I can’t sleep. Martin, my heart breaks for you because I remember the fresh pain of death and I know that everything you are feeling is real. You loved your brother too much to wander around aimlessly; it is part of who you are to grieve so deeply. Keep coming back; I will be here to listen to you. You are not alone and you can get through this. It’s going to hurt forever but someday you will not hurt so intensely and you will start to move forward. Peace is within you.

P.S. Thank you for the poem. I cry every time I read it. Janine

What if? Boy, that one covers a lot. My sister lived two doors down from my parents. The day she died was a beautiful day and she insisted her husband take the kids to the park and enjoy it. What if he hadn't gone? My mother had just baked a cake and her and my other sister was going to take her a piece. They decided to wait until the kids got back from the park. What if they hadn’t? My father wanted to talk to her and tell her how much he loved her. He had a whole conversation worked out and was going to tell her Monday when he took her to the specialist. What if he had that talk with her on a beautiful Sunday afternoon before she died that night? I was planning on having that same conversation with her. I knew she had been sick and had not gotten out of bed for days yet I put off seeing her because my life was so busy with my kids. What if? What if I let all of the “what ifs” go and accept that she did not die alone, God was with her and there is a reason he took her that I cannot comprehend at this time. She would be so mad at me if I or any of my family tried to take any blame of her death on myself and did not use this life lesson to grow and see that life is precious and sometimes short. Yes, I still have too many bad days, but I keep a journal and write to her every night. It helps to tell her how I feel and I always tell her something good that happened that day. I also spend more time with my family because what if I never saw them again? Death can teach us to live better. It takes time but every step has its rewards. Peace is within you. Janine

I feel for you Martin. I lost my baby sister in November 2006. She was the youngest of ten. She has 3 young children hat and a loving husband. She was 35, 10 years younger than me and 17 years younger than the oldest. All of us cannot believe that "the baby" would go first. She was also the health nut. Dad has a heart condition, my mother high blood pressure and my grandmother is dying of cancer and most of the families have adult children. We all said “why not me?” It doesn't make sense and it is not fair. It has taken me months of work to get where I am, still sad, still cry when I need to, but in a better place. Each day brings something good back into my life; I just had to acknowledge it. This site, this "haven" has brought me to where I am today and I am so grateful for it. Through everyone’s experiences and advice I feel some life coming back to my soul. I had dropped everything “extracurricular” in my life, book club, karate, volunteer work etc. I let the pain consume me. After coming here I started taking baby steps back to my life. Karate classes came first, because I needed the physical exercise. Exercise alone made me “feel” stronger and this week I am starting up my volunteer work again. I still have many things to take on and many things to leave behind but I will do those things when I am ready. Read as many of the posts as you can, you will find bits and pieces of yourself in everyone here and you will not feel so alone. Loss is loss. Whether a parent, grandparents, friends, sister or brother, we all feel it and react to it differently yet a lot of its pain and guilt is the same. Maybe if you get through some of the mixed up emotions and start to separate and identify them, it will calm you and your brother will come to you when you are in a more peaceful state. Peace is with you; it is injured by the pain and will return when you are ready. Janine

Paul. Of course not, but when you live out here a country mile is 5. Dyersville is directly off 20 and The Field of Dreams can't be missed once you get into Dyersville..Its just a country mile down the road. If you mapquest "The Field of Dreams" it will give you directions. My first trip there I hit one into the cornfields. It was dusk and I was too chicken to go out and get it. Spooky.. Trudy, Yes, my sister was there. Watching over all of us. Don't worry about the mistake, my mom is watching over all of us too. She still tells me to clean my room. Janine

Lori, What a great idea. I love to make collages. My daughter is working on a scrapbook project for school and she is probably getting tired of me hovering and wanting to play too. Maybe having my own project will give both of us a break. I have the perfect picture to add to it. I have attached it. When we went to the park to release ballons, my brother took this picture. He said that the shadow on the upper right is a spot on his lens, but I see an angel. Thank you so much. Janine

Sometimes I need to cry. Teresa had a CD of her favorite songs and my brother made a copy of it for each of us. If I feel like I am about to burst, I play it and cry until I am exhausted. For me it is a release valve. One of her favorite songs was 100 years by five for fighting, that one always gets me because she only got 35 years. Janine

"There is a magic about it…a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens up for a few seconds, or hours, and shows you what is possible….Your mind stops, hangs suspended like a glowing Chinese lantern, and you feel a sensation of wonder, of awe, a tingling, a shortness of breath.…And then you not only see, but hear, and smell, and taste, and touch whatever is closest to your heart's desire. I live an hour from the field of dreams. It is one of my favorite movie lines. I used to keep it above my desk to remind me to slow down, to stop and breath in life. When I moved things around in my office it was taken down & lost. Thank you for reminding me. Janine

Yes, It is beautiful. "To Where You Are" Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memory's so clear Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak You're still an inspiration Can it be (?) That you are mine Forever love And you are watching over me from up above Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile to know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are Are you gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me everyday 'Cause you are my Forever love Watching me from up above And I believe That angels breathe And that love will live on and never leave Fly me up To where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile To know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are I know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are Janine

Anger was my first emotion. I pictured my sister lying in bed, knowing she should go to the hospital, but telling herself she had an appointment Monday and she would be fine until then. She wasn't and she died on Sunday. How could she do that to her family and her children? Well she did and there is nothing I can do about it so I let the anger go. Don't get me wrong, I still have it pop up every now and then, but again, I get it out and then let it go. The words are there and they will come. It is never to late to let it out. I keep a journal and write letters to her. I know she hears me and she understands my frustration. I have 7 brothers and another sister and it has devastated us all. Marty wrote me a letter and mentioned fears of our own mortality. It had been hanging out there but I could not put words to it until she brought it up. She was the baby, how could she go first, who would be next? My parents are old and will I lose them soon? I keep Teresa's picture in my bedroom. Her smile greets me every morning. For the first few weeks I cried whenever I saw it, now it comforts me. We all react differently. You have to do what is right for you. It helps to keep coming back here. I read every day and sometimes I get into a flurry of writing, like now. I want you to understand what help I have found here just knowing that I was not the only one whose life was no longer what I thought it was. I will be here to listen and maybe it will help. I don't believe in religion, I believe in faith. Faith tells me that this life here cannot be all there is and that with the day to day life, miracles exist, like your daughter. She will come to know your brother through you. Your bother may or may not have believed in God or a higher truth, but I am sure that someone believed in him. I don't know for sure what Teresa's beliefs were, but I know that I have enough faith for both of us. Janine

Lori, you are right about doing something for myself. I looked at my nails after reading your post and realized I hadn't picked up an emery board in months. I used to indulge every six weeks or so with a manicure, but I just haven't thought about myself in so long for fear of seeming selfish. lorikelly, Trudy1964 & AnnieO My doctor prescribed me cymbalta last month & I still haven't picked up the prescription. I don't know why I hesitate to try medication. Maybe it is time to do so. This group has been the best therapy. It is comforting to know that there are people that listen and offer advice without judging your actions. I am not sure I would even be getting out of bed if I hadn't stumbled on this group. I hope all of you know that you are part of a great healing in this broken heart. Janine

For the past few weeks since J. & the kids left, I have been playing "catch up" at home. Being busy doing laundry, sports events with my kids & work has left me little time to stop and think about the past few months. I had a few days off last week & hit a wall. Now the things I do seem so automatic. I don't know if it this deep freeze the Midwest is in or if it everything else sinking in on top of the cold, but I suddenly cannot motivate myself to do my best at anything. Concentrating has become a blur. If you ask how I feel, I would say "ok", but if you asked what I was thinking, I could honestly say "I don't know". I am so monotone in everything. How do you pull yourself out of a rut? Janine

Walking along trails curve and wind Lifes wandering path. One turn the path ends for one and the road widens and continues for others We do not walk alone but we feel the loss We can go home but the house seems empty without you in it. Janine

Jennifer, You will never be alone here. My baby sister passed away November 5, 2006. She was one of ten of us and her loss has shaken all of us to the core. The family is a great comfort, but it seems sometimes like it is harder to talk to them. This group has helped me get through this pain that sometimes feels like it will never end. Everything you are feeling is normal and just knowing that has been my greatest comfort. I am so sorry for your pain, but this is the place you can express anything you are feeling and have friends that will comfort you and listen to you. I too replay the day of her death over again in my mind. I only cry on the interstate occasionally now, but that does not mean I miss her any less. It just means that life is moving forward and it takes me with it more often. Take care of yourself and your daughter will come to know your brother through you. Janine

I know what you mean Kayc, I am driven as well. I am looking forward to spring and my gardens. They are going to bloom up a storm this year! Jeff, grandma said grandpa was "an old poop" when they met and the life she lives now is the one she really wanted. It's never too late. I hope both you and your mother leave your sorrows behind and both of you live a new life of hope. Janine

Jeff When my Grandfather died in 1985 after a long illness, my grandmother grieved with relief. She had been taking care of him for so long and it was frustrating and draining for her. After awhile, it was like spring for her. She bloomed and she began to dance again. She joined a "dancing grannies" group and lived like every day was her last. She deserved to have some joy in her later life and we were happy to see her so active. She was diagnosed with cancer at 87 and was told she had a year to live. She said she needed another doctor. She will be 95 this year and she has danced and led a very active life until last fall when her illness made it to painful to keep going. She has decided to quit fighting and go dance in heaven. I am grateful she had the time to do what she loved and it is more unsettling to see her in so much pain than hear her say it’s time to go. Your mother may not dance, but there is something she loved to do. Encourage her to find her “dance” and when the time is right, hopefully she will find the joy in it and it will lead her forward. Janine

J. is gone with the kids and it saddens me to think I can’t just get in my car every weekend and go see them. But my own family is glad to have me home again. T. was all about family and she would not want their lives disrupted anymore than necessary. I too went shopping this weekend and it felt good to get back in my routine. I even drove the interstate home without flashing back to the night she died. I know she is been proud that I was moving forward again. The biggest joy in this was seeing my kids fall back into a “normal” mode and not worrying about mom. They were also thrilled that there was “real food” in the fridge and that mom was going to cook again. I realized today that my pain is connected to my love of my sister. How can they not go hand in hand when contemplating her loss? If I did not love her, I would only see her obituary and feel sadness for the family and move on. But isn’t that what my sister would want? I know that I will grieve longer for her because I loved her so much, but she would be devastated if I wrapped myself up like a blanket in the sorrow of her loss and neglected the other people I love. She would want me to see the joy in every day like she did. The day she died was a beautiful day, one of the last of the year. She told her husband to take the kids to the park because they should not miss that day. That is how she lived. Now, every time I feel sad, I let the tears come and then top it off with a good memory of her and there are a lot of them. We grieve as deeply as we love Our tears mingle with laughter There is hope in this path That leads us in sorrow Peace is what we are after. Janine

Derek I think you are right about not knowing what to do. I spent the last few days helping J. pack. He was dazed and confused and not doing anything productive. He even said, "Can you tell I really don't want to go?" He had planned on leaving at 1:00 PM and left at 11:00 PM. It was so hard to wake the kids up and kiss them goodbye. We knew it would be awhile before we saw them again, but they were sleepily unaware. Today we packed up everything he left behind, cleaned & made several trips to the dump & Goodwill. I am tired & emotional drained, but somehow I feel peace. I feel like I did something for my sister that really counted. Janine

J & the kids are leaving Tuesday. Sunday we will all come together to wish them well. I cry just thinking about it, maybe I will get most of my tears spent before then. I still feel like when they are all gone, they will take all of my sister with them. I know that this isn't true, but my memories of her are all jumbled & mixed up. I would say that I will be strong for the kids, but we have learned to cry together. The three year old still does not understand. Out of the blue she will grab my hand and say "let's go get mommy from heaven, she's been there too long.' Janine

STARKISS; You were right. I have enough demons to fight and some just are not worth expending energy on. I am letting it go. If she is so uncaring and petty, it is her problem, not mine. I will live with the relief knowing that my sisters loss has taught me the deepest levels of compassion, enough to let it go. Thank you Janine

Tonight I found out what an uncaring boss does. I was looking for some paperwork on the buget and I found notes that she had been writing on everything I have missed doing since Teresa died. To my face she was understanding, but behind my back she has been taking notes. I am shaking with anger and I feel so betrayed. Should I let it go or confront her. The notes were in plain sight in a common drawer. Janine

Thank you, all of you. I feel almost normal when I read the postings in this site. I know I am not alone and I know I am not loosing my mind. I also know that I will get through this somehow & the people that encompass this place will be a part of the steps I take forward and may remind me to get up and move again when I fall. I don't believe misery loves comapany, it needs comfort and compassion and I see it here. Thank you again. Janine