Stallyn

Ok now Wendy gets a tattoo for being good Beautiful couple!! I think I am way out of steam the past few weeks, I had everything just change too much in a short time, Corinne that is awesome your brother did that, I know you needed the home for your peace, I know with the meds you WILL feel better, and you come a long way with us, I am amazed on the compassion and love here, even still, keeps a old tired man going for a time. I wish so much we could get together but the mouse click will suffice Karen, you have alot of hope, you may not see it but it jumps out of the screen Love, William

Karen, Corinne, I don't know what to say, if you could see my face, it means so much to me that you guys care, and really know how I feel. I feel happy and sad at the same time. not being able to help. I did take my meds today. Love you all, William

Guilt is a green eye monster chasing you relentlessly, one day or 2 is good and it comes back, I rarely feel anxiety as most do but my chrohns flares up when a bad day comes along, I guess for the most of us, maybe thinking they are away keeps up sane for the time being until we reach the next level. As for the money, its never a consolation for losing a spouse, I alway though WE should be financially stable, not just myself without her. Man this is getting hard. Got to go for now. Love, William

Lyn, The guilt just doesn't diminish, stays on the side sometimes, mostly now what I feel is sadness with the knowledge life is continuing without the dreams and aspirations. Hard is it not to be with them as they past, it haunts us not knowing what they said or felt right before the time, I am tired too, we just occupy with grinding the wheel it seems. Maybe its grief turned outward. Bless youmy dear friend and see some rest tonite. Love, William

Shell, I have the same experience, Myrna went to Guatemala, and I felt so relived so much so I slept in the day she died, They were calling like crazy to have me speak my final words to her, I nearly miss it, the guilt lingered for months, I am the same, meaning I still do it, work myself ragged every day, finding something to do at any minute. I see Myrna still ill sometimes, oblivious to me. I wonder what she felt at the end, and how she feels now, she always repeated days before she died to make sure I was ok. It was beyond me how she still said that but never really talked anymore. I want to check into that book, I get messages around me but not sure how to interpret it. Has it opened you to things never thought possible? Hugs, William

Shell, Would be funny, but well I am attached to my fish LOL Thats the most humane thing you did I believe, by fixing them, I lived in a neighborhood years ago that had maybe 100 feral cats, and one guy put up a electrical fence. Doesn't fix the problem. Are you keeping all of them? love, William

Derek, I have also became financially stable and I always considered it blood money I feel the same sentiment, the guilt of prosperity and buying a house, being on a fixed income for years on end and the only way it changed by losing her and not fully enjoying things since she passed. thanks for that affirmation, I don't hear much but only here, and knowing its ok, You will be an excellent teacher, it is really a disgrace the pay is not equal to other careers, whence you are molding youngsters. Karen, I feel your warmth too, its always our spouse Love, Willam

Derek, I feel a guilt still, I refer to her as my wife, not late wife or widower, like she is on a long vacation. You are right, I am moving on whether by choice or not. Karen, I believe that they are so different and full of knowledge that isn't attainable on earth, I would hope and think because of that they would comfort us more frequently Wendy, I appreciate all of you and the love given to me, Please feel better tonite and take care of yourself, It still hurts to remember the loss, I have a feeling this is something that remains with us. Love, William

I did take them as far as I know Wouldn't it be nice if I can get a HUGE heater and shoot it out there and thaw out the snow? Right now in Phoenix its 57 Deg and nothing unusual with the weather today, it rained 2" and left as fast as it came. I would trade places with some of you, But I don't have any pants, just shorts EEK! Wendy, I suppose it was ok, chrohns bothered me a bit today, and I realized this is a different day than others. Love, William

Well its another #2, this time 9 months, I been sitting here disturbed of why I cope so differently now, first of all I didn't realize it was the nine months today and feel not-so-good. Am I falling out of love with my wife? is it now just a distant memory of the 8 wonderful years together? I am trying so hard to keep her spirit close to me. I miss you Myrna, more than you know... love, William

Beautiful story Lori, thanks for sharing that. Love, William

Corinne, I forget almost anything sometime, but well I try Oh Heavens, I did take them last night and I filled it up for the week I suppose that tattoo going to be a reality. You'll feel so different you might just think "what the heck is going on????" Wendy, I try not to fib , but I DID take them last night and today, I plead the fifth any further (((Hugs))) William

Suzanne, Thank you for the compliment, we were very happy together, that probably was the true essence in the picture. I didn't do much but shopping, somehow I felt the urge to keep busy, yesterday I was ill again, it happens every month. Been taking my meds today after forgetting the past few days, I can't believe its nine months already, it seems like years went by doesn't it? Thats cute, was she licking him, thats a very nice gesture, sometimes when I go to petco or petsmart I donate a few buck to help out, I think animals deserve more respect. Love, William

Welcome back my Friend! Well I forgot the past few days but I'll fix it somehow, 2 weeks is a good time frame, its a therapeutic dose, just imagine how happy you will be soon, (((Hugs))) William

Shell, thats very kind, we are our own worst enemy right? I don't think the fish would have a chance, I could see 10 cats stepping on each other to the top and throwing the fish out to eat. is it very cold where you are located? I recall the cats in the winter would crawl into the engine compartment to stay warm, it was worrisome starting the car up and wondering. Are the strays feral? love, William

Hi Shell, nice to hear from you, Karen is very close to heaven I gained a few pounds since then and it drives the self esteem down. but the compliments mean alot to me, more so this time of year. 27 cats wow, I thought 24 fish in a 20 gallon and 4 hermit crabs was alot Love, William

Its been such since march,I keep thinking I'll snap out of it, I am never late with the bills but keep forgetting this, they were supposed to call me then my case manager transferred without telling me. residual Schitzophrenia? means its in remission? or minimal symptoms? I know you have faith in me, I been so burned out the past 2 weeks, worrying about the 95K decision, the work I have to do, if I'll be able to keep up with it, one side says I can do it, and the other just doubts. I never had the choices or decisions like now. Nothing ever good on cable, right LOL, thank you for being there... Love, William

Karen, I feel the same way, Myrna was so unique in many ways, she didn't have the hang ups american women my age did, it be awhile, I screwed my regiment again and not good. was suppose to get calls to remind me, oh well, Guess I have to find one crazier than me. thank you for assuring me, lately I been beating myself up with the guilt and sorrow, Love, William

Seattle, I kept thinking farther east I know you still have that feeling, even more since he was your biggest fan The feelings, I miss them too, sometimes I catch myself lately trying to "feel" it again and again with others, but I just like the camaraderie, you know I am still in Love with Myrna and all the stupid mistakes I made in the past post grief. I live in a city of 3 million people and feel so distant from society. Love, William

Karen, Awesome a little piece of heaven there, sounds perfect for you, I was thinking it was like 1800 SF, I wish I could go there and see it, how far are you from the city? You are a dear friend to me, otherwise how are you doing? Love, William

Karen, I did not know you were a contractor too is it a wonderful feeling to live in a house you guys from the specs to the roof? I picure it in my mind, all wood interior, an acre of land, wow do you grow some veggies up there too? how many SF is it? no no you not rambling, I find it very interesting learning more about you Bob, boy, you are something! are you really serious?? cheerleaders? gosh the pharmacutal companies must think all the doctors think about sex all day, Pardon my french there, have you seen the heart attack grill on thomas and 44th? the gals wear nursing uniforms and white lace stockings, how they recruit them is beyond me, its a tiny place, and the traffic stops there alot LOL Love, William

Karen, I am doing ok, you are all set up for the snow, the SUV and warm food Sadie sounds like a kid just playing without a worry, can you send me some of that food? Its a relief knowing you are ok there... Love, William

Christian, There is great advice here, perhaps you didn't know I am bipolar, and my experience is this: often times it takes 2-3 different combinations of meds to even out depression, also keeping the "highs" in check, how ever good it may feel it is bad, a psychiatrist is much more experienced with the problem you are having. Bob, I see a pretty lady always walking in my doctors office with a suitcase LOL a good selling factor LOL

Maury, You took alot of steps in the grieving process, relocating, suffered loss of a prospective future of what may have been. basically your whole life was painted black from white and inflicted extensive stressors upon you, my experience not with the dating, I gave that up months ago, but I found I Changed spiritually, emotionally, mentally and you are realizing your new self, with Melanie walking the walk with you, you both are discovering YOU post grief. I personally believe your outlook with your new partner is good, she knows and understands your loss, accepts it, and nurtures you in her own special way. She is a rational woman with a strong mind obviously in the work of medicine. despite the timing of your relationship, it just more complex, not necessarily prone to failure. Blessings always, William

Corinne, Thats good you sought treatment, a big pat on the back Did the doctor give you an estimate of time of the medication effectiveness? I was always told its 2 weeks to build up in your system. I pray for a safe journey for you. Lyn, Just reading that makes my night so much better, Ok but its kinda too late, I socked him a leftie but he'll be good for Christmas day LOL You guys are the best! Luv, William