Stallyn

I recall the dreams are always about the end of Myrna's life, the last few days, maybe once I had a good dream, its been some time now. having the same problem, getting depressed and physically ill for a day or two for no probable cause, how far can one crash? I think I gone to the lowest its ever been, it outweighs the little joy that does come along. Karen is that the hope we have to look to, getting above it, guess another 2 years, but gosh hope sooner!

Hello Fred, makes alot of sense to me, I guess being the self destructive personality which Myrna would keep in check. Kathy I really thought also that non-communication was a guy thing, maybe its the way I was raised, if we had a problem, don't talk about it, to this day I cannot change that additude, definitely not marriage material, ok I am trying to justify being content alone. Never say never, scares me, if it happens ok if not oh well Derek, you breathed new life in reading your post, I forgot its been 3 years for you, does it get easier? you are far along this that most of us, what happens in another year? revisiting the same hellish nightmares, or moving on slowly? Wendy, no matter what you could have said, the outcome would have been the same, many what if's still pacing the mind of us, survivors guilt maybe. Love, William

Guys, the question is how long do we live, like this? I am 41, maybe 20-30 years, gosh, Believe me, my sentiment is the same, being home with this dreadful silence, no one to tend to, laugh, joke, tried anything and everything to fill this emptiness with fixing things up, cleaning, doesn't work, its a little reward that I only see. We didn't go out much either, maybe a week or two shopping or dining. counting the times doing it alone, 5-6 times, no enjoyment like it was almost 2 years, she was deteriorating long before she passed. Well life indeed stinks, its existing now, humdrum of the clock ticking anticipating maybe a joyful day will come.

It hasnt worked to well for the both of us, I feel the burden's heavy, talking if a few or many words helps. I do not have grief therapy anymore, seeing things differently fending for oneself, all there is faith. not much else

I miss you guys too, it can be hard to put the feeling in words here, I realize if I just check in and say something and know I am thinking of all of you. Thanks for sharing your feelings to me, feels I ma not alone even through this time, Art, I am trying like yourslef to break the cycle and I feel the same with the "old" life still inhabits my space. never in my life has depression been so prolonged. Missing Charlie, I don't know if I can make it to that area, I am about 45 mins away, in East mesa by power and main, nearly outskirts of the city. if a meeting comes closer I am open to it. Teny, please dont apologize, the wonderful thing about the internet brings us in the same virtual space and we stand close to each other, I worry about you, can you take a short trip by yourself? You need time to recover and regenerate, I know my body has been breaking down in areas and I am just tired all the time, just gathering the strength to communicate but sharing our feelings has been beneficial for all of us right guys? Love, William

Hey my friends, I havent been around much, it started the first of the year with my wedding anniversary, February 27th was the last time I saw my dear wife, March gave me the year of loss, and april 1st she would have been 40, Its been a long year already, I decided to deal with this internally than opening up, maybe to prove myself of dealing with this. Time has been hard on me, its been so long it seems, the oneness, love, can't remember what it feels like. well, wanted to express my friends here, I have you in my heart and spirit guiding me along in this difficult journey. I am honored for some of you to message me privately just to check up on me, bless you!

Robert, many times I awaken myself reacting to what occurs within the dreams, though theres no recollection of anything, the end result is disturbing

Thanks for the hug, I really needed some comfort, I don't feel her anymore and dismayed by it too, it felt wierd like utter despair later through the day. I been taking my meds regularly but somehow its not working effectively. Too tired really to deal with it. Karen, I completely understand, and myself also been trying to put the pieces back together, I wonder about the problems I had over the last 41 years, the hearing loss, the chrohns's the diabetes, I always had the notion of this hell has been filled, and when losing my wife, i haven't felt much hope since then, even a year later it drags me down, if I relax, it haunts me, always staying busy but it has a price. I just wantn God to redeem me again and heal my bitter soul. There has to be more to this life than fixing, paying the bills, surviving. Its lost meaning to me.

Suzanne, I been thinking too much about life, my family tells me I been dealt a bad card in life, with my past medical issues, partial deafness, I wonder is this life? or a bad dream? When I woke up crying, i couldn't remember if it was cry of joy of seeing her in a dream or sadness. I am confused, dont you desire to hear them give us some affirmation? She passed so suddenly and still feel pain of no closure. I wondered if she heard me tell her I loved her. Sometimes I just cant take this anymore.

Its been some time I posted,I have been trying to avoid talking about my loss anymore, but a reality hit me this morning when I found myself crying and thinking of Myrna, which woke me up. I come to realize, it doesn't get better but remains dormant, I see the signs of pain, my body aches all the time, I am lethargic almost every day and I can't enjoy myself and get out to socialize, I fear change, always had. I am tired of running and living every day as if nothing happened and within myself I know it did. Life is not pleasant anymore, I wonder how long I am going to live and living like this. My self esteem suffers, my heart aches. and not a thing to do about it. Where is God? I dont feel him, has he denied me the joy of life?

Shell, I am appalled at such peoples behavior, what ever happened to compassion, thats plain cruel and not worthy of your presence, you are much better than that! Maybe someday they will experience the negativity and think twice about their actions how have you been otherwise? I am sorry about getting upset, but I seen mucch hurt from others and just no patience for such rudeness, you always need to talk and express yourself, thats part of who you are, reaching out, seeking solace, you will find it. Love, William

Corinne, I enjoy talking and making you laugh, you are awesome too! Oh now we for sure have a volatile mix going on, thank you for your support too, I can count on you guys being here Huhs & love, William

The good kndhearted ones always get a broken heart, why is that? Now Wendy is upset Karens Irish and Wendy and I's Italian, well it bea force to reckon with

That would be nice if you could do that, health insurance so outrageous now, what kind of work in a office? could you sell your paintings on ebay or word of mouth? It can be so complicated doing everything yourself, but are things looking up now otherwise? hugs, William

You welcome, we can always send Wendy too, happy to make you laugh, I like that Hopefully it come to a restraining order, not too bright for them not to back off, what kind of job have you found lately? Love, William

Corinne, thanks so much, I wondered about you too, its been a rough patch for you with his family poring salt on the wounds, why dont they realize just to go away and live their lives away from you, Kudos to standing up to them, how did they manage to get your number and why do they insist on bothering you with their drama? No way is she able to take the children away, her behaviors itself is against her if she ever tried. Maybe sending some "boys" over there and straightening them out please don't apologize for the post, if you cant talk about it here where can you? It disturbs me they just cant lay off you, can you resort to a restraining order? thought thats another headache you don't need. Love, William

Hi Shell, Its pride getting in they way for me, Of course when feeling bad who wants to hear it? It is a loss of words in such a way. I have my friends here I miss Love, William

Wendy, I believe everythign happens for a reason and us meeting is a divine purpose, to share and show me there is a purpose and life to be made ahead, and keeping tabs on me, I always respect and honor your words and intentions. I f I stumble it affect you guys and i need to stay upright, and rememer, being alone is not really alone despite the distance. Just to reach out and express, is a milestone, and I learned so much from you guys, in this life to the next. You are right on, I feel only to post when things are ok, but if I can get past the pride, numerous times I been told i have to just be myself and realize to open up and get past the macho ism. Suzanne, you not alone, right? I guess taking on the world in ones palm eventually just becomes a two handed burden. I love each and every one of you, if I cant show it, I mean it from the bottom of my heart Love, William

you too my dear have a good night and rest William

Karen, I misprhased that, usually they should apprise the doctor of it, he became very vulnerable and they took a big advantage of him, and it does not help his condition either, I had a neighbor years ago that lost his apartment due to his crazy lifestyle and eventually people give up on him, he was a great guy sober but the drugs and lack of familial support eroded his life away, I havet seen him since. I can relate to the sheer panic you felt, wondering if violence or shady dealings going on, The meds do help, and I suppose he misses a dose or two at times? I think you have done alot for him and his job will keep his mind off the vices, you amaze me handling it the way you do, alot of families just give up, but you keep forging ahead, I hope you realize how special and how much of a impact you have om people including myself, I feel understanding talking to you, you have some incredible faith and i find it inspirational!

The best I been busier than I like to be, but I need to attend some groups and its been in my mind alot lately, making a small change needs to grow further, but its a new challenge I need to muster some energy to do. Wendy is really something, very big heart and a great sense of humor Thank you Karen for that affirmation, its been very infrequent to hear it. huggs!

Hi Suzanne, how you been? it was the 2nd for me too, I came out being sick the days leading up to it and no one was available to come by and see me through it, as a result I been holding in the emotions and sorrow, putting up a fake smile and saying its "ok" Karen, you too, I hate the past, and it does creep up on me sometimes, it now feels it was just a dream, a bad one at that. I need to find a feasible way to break out of my shell and just talk about it, old habits ar just hard to overcome. Of course here is my family, though I don't follow through it, sometimes I am at a loss of words or scared to open up about whats bothering me or helping someone else. I give Wendy alot of credit bringing me back to this place, I couldn't imagine life without this. Love, William

Hi Karen, 15 years is a good time to know someone, did the case manager intervene with a med adjustment? what happened to instigate all of this? I miss you alot, if you want to email me, I am always checking my email, he knows if hes doing something wrong he is accountable to you, hope he is okay now, it sure puts in the paces. If there is anything I can share I will do my best to make it easier for you and anyone to deal with the issues. one thing I learned over the years with my illness is to share my journies and trials to anyone that is open to it, it has many challenges, stigma with it, and sometimes mental illness causes us to do irrational things and thrust us into a dark place. Gosh I wish I had a mother like yourself love, William

Hey all, Wendy's been on me to post, lately I been running away from the things that bother me the most, maybe not successfully, now others push me not to talk about it, and trying to handle the load typically the way its always been, no one wants to hear my loss anymore being a year already, when I do talk of it, I try to forget it ever happened. I am still here, lurking in the shadows. God bless, William

Oh gosh Karen, I wish I was here sooner, fortunately the case manager is proactive and following up on him, I seen many a time falling through the cracks in the system, importantly Karen, you doing what a good mother would do, Is today a better day? Love, William