Corinne

Nathan's Sister, You have lost so much so quickly. I am very sorry for the loss of your brother and great-grandmother. My prayers are with you. I lost my precious Nana on August 30 of last year, she was 98. Nana was a wonderful person she always took care of everyone in the family and made us laugh and of course always making sure we were fed well. When she died, yes I was sad but I also felt she led a wonderfully full life and had to be tired of taking care of all of us for so long so there was also a peace that she was finally getting the long deserved rest she needed. As for your brother that is so sad to lose someone so young and so full of life. I will keep you in my prayers so that you find peace. Hugs and prayers, Corinne

Derek, Thanks! Corinne

Karen, Thank you so much for your response. Sometimes I think I really messed up and I would sometimes feel Jimmy saying what are you doing. I am very thankful that most of the nonsense was saved for after our girls were asleep. He would occasionally wake them up. I think my older daughter was starting to pick up a little that there was something not right when she would see him totally hung over and sleeping on the couch all day the next day. He was very good with them though, Thank God. The Tuesday before he went missing I had given him an ultimatum that he had to quit drinking or he would have to leave, because of the girls. He told me that he had a pool tournament Sat. & his last night of darts the following Tues. and then he would quit. I really don't think he would have quit, but I will never know because he never made it home from the pool tournament. Thanks again for listening! Corinne

Karen & Kayc, Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I know when I post I speak mostly of Jimmy my husband and not so much about John. That is because I met John while I was drinking to cover my grief of losing Jimmy. I loved John dearly but he had a lot of baggage also. He would drink until he dropped on Fri or Sat nights. He would stay at the bars until they closed and then come home and be upset because he gambled all his money away or somone upset him and take it out on me. He was not physically abusive but he was verbally abusive. We were together 9 years but I would not marry him because of his drinking and gambling. He did not pay his bills and I knew that I needed to keep my credit good in case I needed anything for the girls. His death is bittersweet because I did love him and prayed for him to change but there is also guilt involved because I also feel a release from the verbal abuse. I know that I will love again some day but it will not be until after I have healed and found me and have become whole again. I don't know how long it will take, but I do know in my heart it will happen again and this time I will go very slowly and be very cautious! Thanks for listening, Corinne

Hi Karen, I too have one of those stories about Jimmy's ashes. I am not being disrespectful, I adored him and still do. Jimmy always made me laugh. When I received his ashes back from the crematorium, I opened the box and they were in a plastic bag. I lifted the bag out and there was a small hole in the bottom and some of the ashes trickled out. I was mortified at first and then all I could do was laugh because I could picture him having done it to make me laugh. I kept his ashes in my bedroom for 10 years until just recently when I moved. I decided to spread the ashes in the woods behind our house which he loved. Well, needless to say he got me again as I was spreading the ashes a gust of wind picked up and blew the ashes on my sandals and legs. Once again all I could do was laugh because I felt it was him letting me know he is still with me. Giggles, Corinne

Walt, Thank you for sharing that song, it is beautiful! Happy anniversary. My thoughts are with you. I know how you are feeling. Yesterday was the five month anniversary of them finding John and today is Jimmy's birthday. It has been difficult but today I did not stay home I went to the hospital with a friend who is a breast cancer survivor because she had to go for her mamogram and was afraid. Everything turned out OK and it did help me not being home alone with my thoughts. Wishing you peace, Corinne

Teny, Your work is magnificent! Please keep at it the world would be at a loss without it's beauty! Keeping at a your work will keep you close to Yiany since you worked together and he will be with you and guide you. Thank you for sharing your work with us. My prayers are with you! Corinne

Anytime! The faith of all of you here is helping me to reopen my heart and mind to God who has always been here for me even though it did not feel like it. Corinne

Teny, Please know that I too am praying for you and asking that God's peace which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus (Phil 4:7). My prayers are with you! Corinne Derek, The verse you were looking for is James 4:2. Corinne

kayc, Your card is beautiful and the words so true! I too find projects to ease the stress. When Jimmy died I started drawing and painting (which is funny because I always had a hard time even with stick people), but I decided to give it a try and amazingly I was able to do it. I consider it a gift from Jimmy because he knew I had always wanted to be able to. I tried to attach a copy of my last painting but could not. Just a suggestion, if any of you out there have noticed a desire to try something different, give it a shot you never know! Corinne

Teny, How is your sister-in-law? I know that it was very hard for you to go back to the same hospital where your husband died. When my husband died it was very hard, for a while, for me to go to hospitals and doctors offices since we spent so much time in them when he was sick. Please know that God is right there with you even though it does not feel like it. Sometimes we think that God has left us but in reality we have left him. He says in the Bible "I will not leave you nor forsake you." Heb.13:5. When my husband died 10 years ago I gave up on God and I have not been truly happy since. In finding this group and listening to the strong faith of everyone here, especially Derek, my heart and mind are once again opening up and yesterday while doing work around the house I could almost here God saying "Where have you been?". Please know that he is there for you and that we are praying for you and interceding during your time of great pain and stress. God and all of us are here for you! Love and prayers, Corinne

Hi! Thanks to everyone for their replies and kindness. In all my time going through this journey I have felt it is really helpful to have a place to air your feelings without being judged. Most people do not understand, no matter how long your loved one is gone, you can still have bad days or sad times. Sometimes all it takes is seeing something you used to look at together or a song you hear. I have found that some people look at you like "Get over it." and all I can think is I hope you never have to experience this. The hardest part of this for me right now is my daughters. My heart breaks when I watch them growing and learning new things and I wish that their Daddy was here to watch them. Sometimes I get so mad at him for leaving me to raise the girls by myself and for not being here for them. When my husband died he did not have a choice, you cannot choose to have or not have cancer, but John did have a choice and he made one that cost him his life, left me alone to raise the girls and left the girls without their Daddy. Thanks again for listening. it really does help. Corinne

Hi! I just found this website. My story is long but I will condense it. In 1996 I lost my beloved Jimmy he was my husband and soulmate. He had cancer and in this his last days he commited suicide on Christmas morning. I could not deal with the loss and pain (I was 34 at the time), so I chose alcohol to cover it (bad choice). Two years later I met John while drinking. We fell in love but John had a lot of issues. He grew up in a very disfunctional family. We have two beautiful daughters together. After I had our first daughter I cut back on my drinking and after the second I quit. John however continued and in February he went to a pool tournament and drank too much and decided to walk home through the woods (which he had done before)in 17 degree temperatures without a jacket, needless to say he did not make it. They found him in April. My problem is now that I have lost John and I covered my loss of Jimmy with alcohol I never really finished grieving for him so I am now grieving for both. I am also like some of you finding my patience with my girls very short. People tell me I am doing great with what I have been through but they do not realize that I am keeping a lot of it inside because I am a very private person. I know that I need to let it out and would love to go to a support group but with my two daughters it is hard. I had to leave my home and move because John's family needed someone to blame and they chose me. I know it was not my fault and some people need to blame someone for a loss, but it was too painful with everything else I was going through. I had been thinking of moving out of the area before John had died to give my daughters more opportunities, so I do not feel like it was a bad choice. Thanks for letting me vent to others who are going through what I am! Corinne