avsqr_dancer

Hi Maylissa, Thank you for your understanding. And I agree with so much of what you have said-esp about worrying. I worry more intensely at same times than at other times, but it is also only with GREAT effort that I can cut down on my worrisome nature. I have even worked with that in therapy, but it involves a lot of self-talk and sometimes, it is just too much effort honestly. Tanner has seemed just fine from that morning on-eating all his food up right away, so I did worry way too soon. I can't really use his weight as a measure though cuz he is slightly overweight, so I have been cutting down just a bit on his food-actually for quite a while now, which is usually why he gulps it right down. But he is actually looking better weight wise, and really looks and acts fine in all other ways too. It is just so tough after what I went through with Tawny, and not knowing if it was genetic or something else. Then I have noticed that Sweet Pea hasn't been gulping down her food quite as quickly either, but this time I was able to keep it at just concern, not worry-a major accomplishment for me. And like my DH pointed out, she may be out of a growing spurt and not need quite as much food. I can only imagine how tough all those years with worry over Nissa must have been, and I do understand what you are saying about at least having the relief of not having to see her so sick and in pain and the wondering. That was Tawny's last few days, and we watched her eating and drinking less and less-me trying to force her to eat something, anything-and then some of the other symptoms she exhibited at the end. As I write this tears are covering my eyes, so enough on that. I know that animals, particulary dogs, don't live as long as humans, but I just hope/pray for a normal healthy doggie life span for my precious Sweet Pea and Tanner.

Hi Maylissa, I am so sorry to hear that you are mostly surrounded by unsupportive people. Truthfully, I still do not understand why your so called "friends" cannot be more understanding or emphathetic, even if they don't accept or cannot relate to your depth of pain here. As I read what you said, I again thought of one good friend in particular, Liz. She has freely admitted to me on more than one occasion that she is not a particular animal person. When I told her about Tawny and my depth of grief being more intense than for my parents, she was truly surprised and could not relate. However, I NEVER felt put down by her. We have always been honest with each other and I truly appreciated when she sent me a sympathy card for Tawny's loss. When I thanked her, she said even if it was difficult for her to relate to my pain, she clearly heard how much pain I was in and felt the card was the least that she could do. On this board, we see others who suffer the loss of their furbabies deeply. But the truth is there are many more people out there who simply feel that their animal is a pet, are saddened by their loss, but do not feel like they lost a member of their family. For both of us, having to endure so much loss over such a short period of time only makes this time of year that much more difficult. I am glad that your husband bought you that book, even if it is proving not to be that helpful. He IS reaching out to you, which is the important thing. I have found that since losing Tawny, I do not trust much of anything anymore-at least of those I love being around for the long term. And I worry even more now-if that is possible-LOL! This morning, Tanner did not eat his breakfast right away, although he usually gulps it up right away. So I got worried-and yes, scared! Then I checked his fur at the neck to see if he seemed deyhadrated, as the vet had shown me to do for Tawny. I checked it several times, and he seemed just fine, if I did it right, but still I worry. He did eat all his food just a bit later, but still I continue to be worried. Ah, Maylissa, this worry is going to kill me yet. The pain of all our loss is more than enough, without having to contend with this constant fear.

Oh, dear Maylissa, I feel so sad as I read your post and see how much pain that you are still in. I am so sorry that you went to a party that only made you feel worse not better. I truly do NOT understand people who get animals and then abuse them or neglect them. No one is holding a gun to their head. I just do not get it, esp when animals really expect/need so little from us and give us so so much in return. I too would be angered by that. But that you were filled with a room with those kind of people still seems unbelievable to me. I have been lucky because I have had others who do understand my grief and even if they do not understand the intensity of it, they have been supportive and never have put me down. I know how much harder this is on you because you are not getting the support you need from your husband. I did have that too, but I was finally able to realize that he was saying things to try to help me although it didn't. But I also realized that he had his own needs too-one of which was to NOT continue to have a wife who was moping around and not wanting to do anything. I'm not saying that either of us were right, just that is how it is/was. I very much resented him, but that only made things worse. For me, I did have my therapist and a few friends I could turn to. I guess that is what I am trying to say to you. Unfortunately you will NOT get what you need from your H, but I still think that you do need him. You started therapy, are you still going? Are there others (besides here) that you can turn to? I hope that you can find what you need from someone. Yes, animals give us the unconditional love that we cannot or do not get from humans-human relationships are just too complicated. I don't know what else to say and I am sorry that you are sick to boot, which always makes me more depressed. Sounds like you have/had what I had-my eye was watering so badly, it was SO SO Painful, and filled with puss. Okay that is all for now. Please take care and respond when you can-and don't give up!!

Hi Maylissa, I had a really busy busy week at work. Finally have a chance to answer this post. Yes, being forewarned is helpful. And loss, both expected and unexpected is an inevitable part of life, unfortunately. We are planning another RVing trip for the Christmas break. Maybe given your winter weather I shouldn't tell you-LOL!-but we plan on going again to the beach-this time up north of us-Pismo Beach and Morrow Bay. And we will also be in San Diego for New Year's Eve. I'm glad to see that you have plans for your upcoming holidays. I hope your regime will help you stay healthy, although I definitely agree that stress can make that even more difficult. I hope you will be able to enjoy all that you have plans. I agree that keeping busy is a good distraction. Sweet Pea goes into be fixed in January and I am hoping that all will go well. Yes, I know it normally does, but ever since what happened to Tawny, I do not trust anything any more. Anyway take care. Hope you are doing okay.

Lani and Bob, I want to add my condolences to the loss of your precious Boy. You have come to the right place, as we are all animals lovers here, and most of us have experienced the tremendous pain that follows the death of our beloved furbaby. What a beautiful and fitting eulogy! I so admire you for rescuing him from sure death and caring for him physically and emotionally all these years. Yes, the pain does lessen with time, but it is a process that has to be gone through in ones own way and one's own time. 5 months ago I had to put down my precious girl, Tawny (a canine) who although she wasn't even 2 years old, had suffered from kidney failure. I too, expected to get a prescription for a kidney/bladder infection to be easily cured. It was devastating to get that news, as those who have been on this board all this time with me can attest to. But with the support of these wonderful people and the truly healing powers of time, I am getting better. But I will always miss my dear girl. I agree with Maylissa that you should take your time and watch Allie and judge from her reactions what may be best for her. We have another dog, the littermate of Tawney, named Tanner and since he had basically been with her all his life(albeit short), we felt that he would want another companion. So my DH found out that the same owner that gave us Tawny and Tanner had a new female puppy needing a good home (the last one left). I believe that Tawny sent her to us so we would not be lonely. I named her Sweet Pea, as that was Tawny's nickname. These are all wonderful dogs, and although Sweet Pea will never take Tawny's place, she has added new joy to our life and I believe to Tanner's as well. Bless you and I hope your journey through your grief will not be too difficult.

Ah, Maylissa, You continue to be faced with such difficult situations and decisions, which only complicate your grieving process. I am sorry to hear that your "friend" does not understand your grief and wants you to act in a certain way. I don't really have any sage advise because I do understand your dilemma. All I can say is that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost, as it seems no one else will do so for you. You cannot deal well with these issues until you have given your self the time and the permission to grieve and to put yourself first-be selfish for once-although I don't really think of it as selfish, only again as taking care of your needs first. You cannot save every cat no matter how much you try. But you can save yourself and I pray for you to have the strength to do just that.

Maylissa, I'm so glad that you were able to find a satisfactory solution to this lastest dilemma. It is so difficult and time consuming to be a caretaker. You loss yourself in the caring of another. I am glad that you are finally realizing that it is time to focus on yourself. I know it is difficult to find out what really know what it is that you want or need, but perhaps you will be able to find out during this time of exploration in your life and to even reconnect with your H and your friends. And in time, you may want to take in another animal, but if not, that is fine too. I sure understand about the worry. As I explained before, I am also a huge worrier. But ever since Tawny's death, I watch Tanner and Sweet Pea even more closely and any little thing that seems out of the ordinary has me scared and panicky. It is not a good way to live. Tomorrow we leave for the beach-Thanksgiving here is this Thursday. It will be the first time we have gone there since Tawny died, so I have mixed feelings about going. Also my MIL was going to join us for T-day dinner. So it will be a tough day in certain ways, but also nice to get away. And it will be Sweet Pea's first trip there, so that will be fun to watch. I'll talk to you when I return on Sunday.

I too want to add my sympathy on your loss. Any companion that we love is precious to us, no matter what anyone else says or thinks. Take the time to grieve and feel your pain, no matter how difficult it is. It does get easier with time, but loss is so difficult and one of the most devastating aspects of our lives. I wish you well in your journey toward healing.

Maylissa and other friends, Just wanted to let you know you are not forgotten. But I have been very sick all week with of all things-pink eye. The pain was just about unbearable esp the first few days. First day I dare get online. So I will end now, cuz I don't want to overdo. Just want to let you know I am thinking of you, and as soon as I'm feeling good again, I'll be back to responding.

I am so sorry for you loss. All that you are feeling is normal, and the fact that you are not sleeping does not help. It just magnifies all those feelings. Try not to stuff down you feelings. As hard as it is, feeling the grief will help you to eventually heal. Accept your feelings and try to understand that others in your family are just trying to help you in the best way they know how, even though they making you angry and you are only feeling worst. Hang in there and know that it will get easier with time. Here are other animal lovers who do understand, and perhaps by reading other posts here as well, you will find some comfort and comradiary with others in your situation. I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers.

Why does it always seem as if so many painful events are clustered so close together? I am still feeling exhausted, and managed to catch my cold again, or maybe it is a sinus infection or just bad allergies. I'm not sure. I just know I feel lousy physically, which always makes me feel worse emotionally as well. On the way back from the store today, I saw something that reminded my of Tawny, and the all the tears and pain started anew. These are the times when I really wonder if "it" will every be over or I'll ever really feel okay again. And the at other times, I do feel okay, so I don't know. All these devasting losses, and Tawny's continues to be the most difficult to get over. I don't really have much else to say today, guess the cold or the whatever is taking it out of me. But I do hope you are doing okay or at least still hanging in there-what else can we do?

Hi Maylissa, I am sorry to hear of how you are dreading the holidays, but I do understand. It does sound like you have some good plans, and I hope that you will be able to go through with them, and get some joy and contentment out of them. Firsts are always so hard. Tuesday would have been my mom's 85th birthday. It is hard to believe that was the second birthday without her already. We are going to the beach for Thanksgiving-the same beach we have gone to for the last several years. Tawny loved going there, so I do wonder how I'll do there. But I did better at the lake than I expected to do, and I think that was even harder. This will only be Sweet Pea's second RV trip, and the first to the beach. So I can at least look forward to her having fun. But we had also planned for our MIL to join us on Thanksgiving Day, as she did last year, so again a mixed holiday. My sister-in-law and her dog will still join us. We will also take an RV trip up the coast (of CA) during the Christmas break. One of the reasons that we orginally got small dogs is because I wanted them to be able to join us on our RV trips. I've seen lots of RVers with much bigger dogs, but these are the right size for us! I remember last New Year's Eve (we were also away) thinking that this will be my first New Year without my parents. Now I will be entering my second year soon. It is tough. But I think having friends around you and having plans will help. It also sounds like you have some good ideas for memoralizing you dear Nissa. That is something I still want to do, but also don't feel ready for yet. But I am sure with time. I still have a ton of pictures of my parents that I want to put into an photo album, but I also haven't done that yet! Take care.

Ah Maylissa, I just had a chance to fully read your post, and my heart aches for you. Allowing the pain fully in is a brave step. And I think that is why you are feeling worse now because you are allowing this horrible pain in, and not doing whatever you can to keep it out. Everyone grieves in his/her own way and in her own time, but as hard as this is to believe now, I truly believe that you are now on the road toward recovery and healing, even though it feels just the opposite. Again, I am not trying to compare you or your grief journey to mine, but for me, those first days were just SO horrible. unbearable, really-I apparently let in the grief immediately and could not stop crying for more than a few moments at a time. And I thought the pain would never leave or never get less intense. Well, it has, although I am certainly not "cured" yet. I think I now realize I will never be completely "cured" or over her, and certain things will bring it all back-including that intense pain that was with me constantly at the beginning. And you are the only one who can know if/when you will ever be ready to let another cat into your life and into your heart. I understand your fears, I have the same ones. But I also remember all the joy that Tawny gave to us and that Tanner continues to give us, and that is why I choose to let Sweet Pea into our lives and yes, into my heart. I dread the day I will have to go through this again, but I just decided that I wanted to allow more joy into my life again also. And I know that I have given her a good home. Here you have people who care and understand. I can only send hugs and kisses through this post. But know that I think about you and that I care. And I agree with Lori. You were a truly remarkable mother, and I know that if you are ready, another animal will be blessed to have you as her mom. Shelly, I am so sorry to hear about more loss for you. Believe me, I do understand. My mother-in-law just passed away last Thursday, and today was her funeral. I have had a year and half of tremendous loss. So I understand how you can wonder and worry what is next. I worry too. But I have also decided/decreed that this is it for me-for a very long long time, and I wish that for you as well. You are in my prayers.

Thanks, Maylissa, Today was my MIL's funeral. I am just glad that is over. Each new loss just reminds one of the losses before, as I am sure you are all too aware of. My MIL was a great animal lover, and was always surrounded by pets. I still remember the day I told her of Tawny's illness, and of how sad she was and how supportive. My wish is that she is now there with Tawny and they are giving each other all the love that they both so richly deserve.

Thank you Maylissa and Marty for your kind words of support. Maylissa, I actually first came to this grief loss board a year and a half when my parents died, and it was then I saw the many different loss boards within this umbrella, including the pet loss board. I was glad to see there was a board for pet loss, but I never imagined I'd be visiting it so soon. I am so exhausted now. But wanted to say hi and thanks for being here.

I realize that this not really the "proper" board to share this particular loss, yet I feel very close to many of you here, so I am choosing this board to share more bad news. Yesterday morning my dear mother-in-law died from a heart attack. Both my husband and I have had so much loss in the past year and a half that I really wonder if it will every end. Although she had been in poor health for awhile, this still came as a shock. And it was only two days before a surprise 50th birthday party for her daughter that we had been planning together. She was so looking looking forward to it, and I feel so angry that she was cheated of this. Also each new loss brings up all the old losses, and when I went with my husband to the mortuary, I remember my own experiences only a little over a year ago, planning the funerals of my own parents only 7 weeks apart. And I thought of Tawny again, and of how much I miss her and miss my parents. Life just is so tough sometimes. Thanks for listening to me and I am sure you understand why I felt better sharing this loss on this board than on another board where I don't know anyone.

Thank you so much for the recommendation of this book. As you know, besides the pain of missing Tawny, one of the hardest things about her untimely death was my worry about her still-where is she? Is she okay? Is she lonely? She was such a loving dog that I cannot stand to think of her alone or without all the love she deserves. I have also shared that I don't really know what I believe. I definitely look forward to reading this book and hopefully gaining some comfort or some relief from my confusion. Every time that I think I am better, than the tears start flowing freely, as now. All part of the process, I know.

My first reaction upon reading your post is that you have to do what is best FOR YOU, and not for others. I know that you are having trouble deciding what that is, but it sounds like this might not be the time or the cat to take on, even if only for a few days. When I read Lori's post, everything she said made perfect sense to me. Especially leaving the cat at the vet since he has medical issues. No, he won't get the attention he wants/needs, but it seems to me, he'd be safest there. If not, then keeping him at his own home makes sense to me too, and having you visit him when you feed him. I'm sorry you had such a hard first grief session and I know how hard and scary that was for you, but I think your therapist is right. Only by realling feeling and releasing this pain will you begin the slow process of healing. Good luck in your decision.

Hi Maylissa, Yes, by useless, I do mean things that can't be changed now. But it is true that I know more about what signs or symptoms to look for with kidney problems. Yes, so far this vet has addressed all that I have asked. If you call and he is unavaiable, he will call back as soon as possible. And he knows how devastated I felt when we had to put Tawny down. I know too well the feeling of going to the vets expecting something to not be that bad, and that getting such horrible news. And only 2 weeks after the death of Sabin-no wonder you were such a basket case, how horrible that must have been for you. Thanks. I will give Tanner and Sweet Pea all the loving they can stand, which with animals is so so much.

Hi Maylissa, I agree that mysteries are not always better, but I do feel better because the vet said that she looked and acted so healthy. And she and the rest of us do seem to be getting much less itchy. I have mixed feelings about Benedryl too (and I knew you would!), but for now, I'm just going to watch her. I really do like this vet because he is very compassionate and obviously cares about both the animals and their owners. But going to him does bring back bad memories. When sitting with Sweet Pea waiting to go in, I told her everything would be fine. Well, I told Tawny that too, and obviously everything was NOT fine. I know at some point, there is nothing we can do for any one or any animal that we love, but that memory brings new tears to my eyes. Then I was also thinking about how healthy he said SP looked and acted. And I was remembering that Tawny really wasn't acting that healthy when we took her in (well, of course, that is why I took her in the first place), at least she didn't have SP's energy, or probably her appetite. Anyway, I'm thinking of things that are useless now, but I knew you'd understand so that is why I wanted to share it here.

Shelly, Try not to be hard on yourself because you are not grieving the way you think you "should" be grieving. There are no shoulds in grieving. Perhaps it doesn't feel as bad because Shamrock is no longer suffering-as you yourself expressed. I'm sure he is missed, but you also have other animals to take away some of the pain.

Maylissa, I will read your post later, as I am very interested in this. I have been so busy and so tired these past few days. But I just wanted to let you all know that the vet couldn't find anything at all wrong with Sweet Pea. He checked her out thouroughly and couldn't find any bugs/parasites or any skin lessions or any skin trouble at all. He said she looked and acted very healthy, and was happy to hear that she drinks and eats real well!! And ironically enough, we are all beginning to feel better-less itchy. Maybe it was some kind of allergen, and it is also very dry up here, so it might be that too. He did say children's Benedryl can be used if it gets real bad. But I may try what you recommended first, Maylissa. But for now I'll just watch her. Needless to say, I am relieved!

Thanks Maylissa and Diane, for helping to put my mind at ease! Yesterday was when DH recommended taking Sweet Pea to the vet after finding out that I am also itching, as is he. I had trying to give her cool baths, but that didn't seem to help. So yes, it does make sense that if we are all having this problem, that it is more than likely some kind of bug or an allegen recently introduced into the house. Maylissa, I don't mind your suggestions at all. Actually ever since I have "met" you, I have been considering a homeopathic vet also. I'm not sure if we have any up here, but I am planning to look into it and to consider it. You went to both vets with Nissa, didn't you? Both a regular and a homeopathic vet? I hear what you are saying about the possible "cures" for the various problems that she may have. Just like with humans, huh? Drugs that can help one problem can also cause another problem. Frustrating to say the least. One of the things that I do like about this vet is he doesn't rush to do anything too drastic. So we'll see what he says and I'll certainly let you know. At this point, honestly, I hope he can find a cause that can help all of us. You know about the power of suggestion? Every since Rick, my H asked about my itching, it seems to have gotten even worse. LOL!

I just had to write this post, and this is the right site because I know that you will all understand. I need to take Sweet Pea (my new puppy) to the vet tomorrow. The reason: excessive itching/scratching for the past few days. Now it seems that the rest of us-my other dog, as well as my H and myself also feel itchy all over. Now-the reason I am worried is cuz I looked in a dog book, which listed the most common reasons, and the last one on the list was total body immune-system disease, like liver disease, or even cancer. Now I realize that cancer or other diseases are NOT contagious, and if we are all itching for the same reason, it is much more likely to be some kind of bug/parasite, or maybe even kind of infection. We don't have fleas up here, but of course, we have many other culprits. But ever since what happened to Tawny, I don't trust anything, and now know that anything is possible, no matter what the age of the dog. Okay, I knew that before, but now I have lived it! As much as I like the vet we go to, I really hate going there, ever since that horrible day that he had to deliver the devastating news-for those who don't know me-she had kidney failure at only 2 years old, and a week and a half later, she had to be put down. Anyway, I should know better than to look at books-they present all scenarios, including the worst. But I just had to write here to express my fears with people who would understand and not just think I am crazy and paranoid. We go tomorrow afternoon, so I'lll write what happens after that. Thanks for being here. Serl

Hi Dianne, I have found the same thing that you are saying about painful losses. Last summer, only 7 weeks apart, I lost both of my parents. Then a little over 2 months ago, I lost my precious Tawny, who died of kidney failure before she even turned two. I found her loss much more difficult than the loss of either of my parents, even though I was so close to my father, a real "daddy's girl." But with Tawny, I felt like I had lost a child-a dog child, yes, but still my child. With time, it has gotten a bit easier, but I still miss her every day and still cry most days. I also noticed your other post about your puppy. It is also similar to my situation. I hadn't planned on getting a new pup so soon after Tawny's loss, but the owner of Tawny and her wonderful brother, Tanner (who thankfully is still with us) told me husband about his newest litter of puppies and that he had one girl puppy left that still needed a home. Once I saw her, although a difficult decision, I did take her home with me. And she has brought us such joy, and at least some "good" has come out of the tragic death of Tawny, watching the life and growth of our new baby. And I also feel that Tawny sent her to us because she did not want us to miss her so much or to be so sad. Dogs are truly amazing, aren't they?