avsqr_dancer

What a beautiful tribute to your dear Marnie! I am so sorry for your loss and your deep pain. I don't think that anyone can touch our hearts the way that a beloved pet can. I also lost a wonderful dog at a very young age-she wasn't quite 2 when we had to put her down due to kidney failure. That was 7 months ago and the intensity of pain, as well as the frequency of pain has lessened with time, but I still think of her everyday and miss her and think how unfair it was that she should have been snatched from us at such an early age. Losing a pet of any age is hard, but for me, trying to deal with the shock of losing her so young has been hard. I do hope as time moves on, you will begin to feel a bit better.

Dear Julie, I am so sorry to hear about your dear dog being stolen. How awful for you-I often wonder what kind of person could do such a thing! I have 2 daschund mixes myself, and they are just the best dogs ever! As for "friends" they so often try to say the right thing but always end up making it worse. I don't think they mean to be insensitive, but that is what ends up happening here. All of us have here experienced the loss of a dear pet and we do understand and emphathize with you. Take care.

Hi Maylissa, I'm glad to hear that you are planning a trip and that it is bringing some comfort and interest to your life right now. It sounds exciting. So much of what you say is true. I know as much (or more than most people!!) that you can not rush through grief. I've told many people (on this very board!) that the only way over the pain is through the pain. And I believe it too! It is just so hard to feel this terrible pain, no one likes these horrid feelings, so I guess we all try to rush through it, deny it, and try anything to make ourselves feel "better." People want to say the right thing even though in truth there is nothing one can say, except give sympathy and understanding. I admit that one of the reasons that I got Sweet Pea soon after Tawny's death was the hope to lessen some of the pain over Tawny's loss. It worked, as she brought new joy during the pain. She is not a replacement for Tawny nor did I ever expect her to be. And I still felt all the pain over her loss,along with some joy over a new life. I feel getting SP was the right decision for all of us, including Tanner and definitely for SP, giving her a better life than she would have had where she was living. Anyway the truth is that grief is not a smooth, easy path nor is it one that only moves you forward with time. I know that also, so there will be these bumps in the roads and down times or what feels like back sliding to me. I was feeling sick earlier in the week and that also always makes me feel worse mentally as well. Also I had a few people remind me of Rick's bad family history, as if I need any reminder. People can be so helpful sometimes-NOT! I was also glad to hear that you actually met someone who seemed to understand your grief and was sympathetic to your grief. I am doing better today-physically and mentally. It is a day by day thing, isn't it? I haven't worked for over a week either cuz of being sick, so I probably need to get back to working since that also keeps me focused on other things but myself and my worries.

That's okay, Maylissa, I know you continue to try to work through your own grief. I understand what you say about it sometimes seeming to get harder instead of easier. That is how I have been feeling lately. I just cannot seem to let go and let be. Those wonderful words of wisdom (?) from whomever! And I feel in a defiant mood lately, although if asked, I'd be hard pressed to answer how or why. I'm sorry you had to deal with the 7th yr anniversary of Sabin lately. So long and yet not long at all, it seems, doesn't it? I'm kind of responding to all of your posts here, as you see. BTW-Sweet Pea is continuing to do just fine. When they did blood tests before her surgery, all her bloodwork was normal, including her kidney fuction. That was nice to hear, but of course, I keep thinking "for now, that is." I think what continues to be so hard for me besides the pain and missing of the loss itself, is all the loss of any sort of peace in my life, waiting/dreading for the next "shoe to drop," so to speak. Between Tawny's unexpected death and the unexpected death of my brother-in-law, I continue vainlessly to seek peace and relief that just don't seem to come my way. Maybe I expect too much given the circumstances. I know that I have spoken of this before, but it just seems to constantly be there, gnaw at me, whether or not it is in the foreground or the backround. As for the sadness in reading Kim's book, perhaps part of it came from the envy of not having any ADCs or at least none that I am aware of! But more than that, it came from reading of the deaths of the beloved pets that got me sobbing so hard that I could NOT stop. Instead of focusing on the ADCs and hope that might bring, I could only focus on the loss of the pet, remembering the painful loss of Tawny, and it just made it all the more real and painful for me. So, at least for now, I have put away the book, to perhaps start later when/if I am in a better state of mind. That is about it for now.

Hi, I'm glad that you have decided to go see Chelsea/ I think it'll do both of you a lot of good! BTW-this forum is called "pet loss," which encompasses a wide range of "loss." So I don't see any need for you to apologize, and I know I appreicate all your imput and sympathies that you've given us in the past.

Although I am finding her book fascinating, I am also having a great deal of difficulty reading it because every one of her stories just bring tears to my eyes. I was reading some of the stories about ADCs-"after death communications," but I was crying so so hard that I had to stop. One of my dogs, Tanner, Tawny's littermate (the dog I lost 6 months ago} was so worried about me, he just kept licking my tears away and wouldn't leave my side until I put down the book. I want to continue the book as I try to find some comfort from it, but so far I only seem to feel more pain. My question to any others who have read it- has this happened to you? And did you find comfort from this book? I so want to believe in an afterlife for my dog, and that she is okay-actually more than just okay, but happy,loved, and healthy again, even if I haven't had any signs. Perhaps I just have to believe and stop trying so hard to "see" signs or to find some kind of "proof." Anyway, I would be interested in any thoughts on this.

Hi, I'm glad to know that you are slowly getting better. It is difficult and can take a long time to completely heal. Six months ago I had to put down my precious dog, Tawny, due to kidney failure, even though she wasn't even quite two years old yet. It was devastating, and is still difficult at times. The worst of it is over, but when I think of her, I still feel pain and miss her so much. I also still cannot look at her pictures without crying, but am hoping with more time, I will remember just the happier times. It must be really hard on your daughter too, esp losing so many dogs in such short a time. How is she doing?

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Jake. I know how difficult it is to loss a pet. But as you said, he went peacefully so you didn't have to watch him being put to sleep. I hope in the coming days, you and your family will begin to feel a bit better as you process your loss and grieve.

Dear Malcom's Dad, Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain your suffered, and esp for having to go through it alone. But I am glad that you are here now. And you are absolutely right-we all totally understand when you say he was your boy and your dogmate. I had to put down my female dog, Tawny, 6 months ago. She wasn't even 2 yet, but she had kidney failure. Her littermate, Tanner, is still with us and so far so good, but I do worry for him also, in case this is hereditary (We don't know the cause for sure and never will). We too got him a companion, also from the same parents. They are miniture-daschund/corgi mixes, and even though Sweet Pea (the puppy) is from the same parents (the possible hereditary link?), I got her because they are just the best dogs I've ever had. I didn't obviously wait as long as you (we are all different in that!),l but I believe it helped Tanner, and I know it also helped me! I also have more good days now than bad, but it was a devastating loss. As Maylissa was also sharing, I have had many (far too many) losses in the past year and a half-both of my parents died only 7 weeks apart-and yet Tawny's loss was by far the most devastating. Anyway thanks again for sharing and jumping aboard. We welcome your imput on this very difficult, painful process.

Hi Maylissa, You don't need to apologize for not writing sooner. I'm just glad to "see" you again, even if you are mostly "lurking?" I'm doing better. But like you said, 6 months is both a long time, and not nearly enough time at all. Sweet Pea also got spayed this week, and is doing just fine, but I was probably worrying about that last weekend too. I'm sorry that things just do not seem to be getting any easier for you. Was it yesterday you had to face your kids birthday? I hope you somehow got through that very difficult day. What are ADCs? Maybe I haven't gotten to that part of Kim's book yet. How exciting that your early musings on her book will be included in her next book. What will that book be entitled? I understand what your are saying about still wondering how they are really doing no matter what. And the pain and missing of their physical prescence continues. Anyway, I hope that you will continue to come to this board, even if not as often, and when you do, let me know that you are at least "hanging in there!"

I cannot believe that it has been 6 months, but I passed that dubious "anniversary" on Friday. It was a tough weekend. I still miss Tawny a lot, and especially at times like these, it is still very painful. I continue to worry about if she is alright and getting and giving all the love she deserves wherever she is now. I have begun the book by Kim Sheridan, Animals and the Afterlife. It is a very interesting book. Although I admit I am a skeptic, she has some very convincing evidence and I hope by the end of the book, I can at least believe that Tawny is a good place,happy, healthy, and at peace, and can gain comfort from that. I must admit that I am already starting to rethink some of my dreams and seeing them in a different way. I have only had one dream about Tawny that I can remember, but I have had many dreams about my parents since they died a year and a half ago. Anyway I am grateful for those of you on this board, who truly understand the depths of feelings we have for beloved pets.

I agree with Stoo. Grief takes a long time to work through, and memories like those will trigger these intense feelings of pain. Please don't regret things that have already passed, as the guilt can "kill" you. You did a wonderful thing when you rescued her and gave her a terrific life, one I know gave her much joy and love, as she had for you. It does get easier as time passes, but it is not an easy road.

I've been meaning to respond sooner, but time just seems to get away from me. First I am so sorry for your loss. But what a wonderful dream you had, and I am so happy for the peace and comfort that it has brought you. I am still waiting to have a dream from my Tawny to let me know that she is okay, but your experience gives me comfort also, and hope, as well. Thanks for sharing in your time of grief and for reaching out to us!

Thank you, Marty. As usual what you say is very true and illuminating. When we are in so much pain, we just want someone to listen, to understand,help us, and we are not nurturing or working on the friendship. That is one reason that I have always believed in therapy, and sought it out whenever I have been in particular pain or in a particularly bad place in my life. One of the other things that I think is so great about therapy is that even when you are not in a dark place (or especially I should say), you can learn so much about yourself. And in therapy, you will not be judged and will be given the validation for your feelings that we all need. That book sounds very interesting and I will also look into reading it.

Hi Maylissa, Sorry I couldn't answer your post sooner. I'm back to working part time so I don't have as much time on this board. But I am so sorry to hear that you continue to be in such pain and that you cannot find at least some friend who can be there for you. Again, I think it is a combination of things happening to you. You just, unfortunately, have seemed to meet an incredible number of insensitive people in your life. And also, truth be told, most people just don't want to listen to us grievers for very long. What was it that article of Marty's said on the time of grief? It was also saying something about how people give us just so much time (what THEY consider appropriate) to grieve and then that is it-often a month. Without any true regards for our feelings or what we need. I remember talking to some people at work about a very painful divorce I was going through at the time, when this woman told me that it usually takes about a year to get over a loss. I bet you've heard that one before-that first year stuff. Well, I wasn't in the mood, so I literally yelled back at her, that it might take me longer than that or shorter than that, but that it will take ME however long it takes ME. Well, she was taken back by my tone, but I didn't care. But after that, I did stop talking about it there, cuz no one cared to listen. And yet, like you, the pain was still there with no one to turn to. I am wondering if in addition to everything else, you may be considered "clinically depressed." Trust me I am not judging you nor am I a doctor. But I come from a place of knowing because I was diagnosed myself with clinical depression several years ago. I was always a "depressed" personality, but I never thought it was chemical. But I finally had a therapist who suggested that it might be. So I have been on anti-depressants for a number of years. I've been blessed with a wonderful psychiatrist up here who works with me and helps me either change the dosage of meds or even proscribe new meds, esp these past few years with all these losses. I only see him every 2-3 months, but he really listens to me and acts accordingly, instead of just throwing something at me and assuming I'm "cured." Trust me, it does NOT take away the pain, but I think it might make it more manageable. It may also take away some of those horrid feelings you have of uselessness and of just wanting to die. I worry about you and that is why I am telling you this. Something to consider, maybe to discuss with your therapist. For me, even though intitally I didn't want to go back to work, it has helped me focus on something other than myself, which is always good. I don't know if part time work is an option for you now. Anyway take care and hang in there as best you can. I'm sorry you can't friends closer to where you live, but remember you have us on the board and we care about you!

My heart goes out to you in the loss of your precious dog. But I also bless you for rescuing her and giving her such a wonderful life for these past 12 years. I lost my precious Tawny almost 5 months ago and the pain is still there, but I will tell you that it gets easier. As hard as it is to feel the horrible pain you feel now and experience all the crying you are doing now, I truly believe that it'll help you "heal" sooner in the long run. I found the first days after we put Tawny down unbearable with such intense pain that lasted almost every minute that I was awake. But as the days SLOWLY moved on, the amount of time I spent in agony lessened, and eventually even the intensity lessened. I wish I could take away your pain, as I so hoped someone or something could take away my pain. But I knew no one could. But being on this board helps and that is one of the reasons that I am still here. Please know that everyone here understands and cares, and write again when you feel up to it. I wish you some peace as you continue in this very difficult grief journey.

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your 2 dear dogs. How especially hard it must have been to lose them both so close together. I can imagine how you are still reeling from the shock and the pain. In the summer of '05, I lost both of my parents only 7 weeks apart, so I do understand. I also had to put my precious Tawny down almost 5 months ago due to kidney failure, and she wasn't even quite 2 years old yet. She also had a littermate, Tanner, who we now watch very closely-and so far so good. But I often imagined that the horror you are going through would also happen to these 2 littermates. I cannot take away your pain, but again since being there, I can certainly understand and feel for you. The only comfort I can give you is that I found that each day that passed after Tawny died, the pain didn't come quite as often and eventually wasn't quite as intense. But I still miss my precious girl, and still cry when I think of her. But as hard as it is, it is better to feel the pain because I truly believe that in the end, you will heal more quickly. We are here for you, so please continue to write. I wish you luck and peace in your grief journey.

Hi Maylissa, I am sorry to hear that the holidays were mostly very difficult for you, but glad to hear that you were able to find some good moments, and were given some thoughtful gifts by at least a few people in your life. But I continue to be amazed at how many people you know that are so insensitive to your grief. Unfortunately, people just do not want to listen enough to grieving people for so many different reasons, I think. They (most people anyway) will give that person so many days or weeks, and then decide for them IT (grieving) should be over, no matter what the grieving person thinks. I don't think too many people, even many animal lovers, really understand how we feel that we are/were parents to our furbabies. But everything that you did for your Nissa (and Sabin) you were definitely their mamma, no matter what anyone thinks or says. I often think of all that I have done for my doggies and I still defy anyone to say that I am not their mommy. They are totally dependent on us for just about everything, and as my H says, they will always be so, unlike human children, who eventually leave the nest. I hope that the books that you were given will help give you some much needed comfort. And what a lovely thing that your MIL made for you. Are you still going to therapy? Yes, there are many unanswerable questions in ones life, and most of the time, I don't even think about no children in my life anymore. But as I age and remember all the things that I had to do to help my parents in the last years of their lives, it scares me some times because I wonder who will be there to help me. Very selfish, I know, and not the reason one has children-esp since there are no guarantees even with children. My brother wasn't too much help to my parents, but then again I was always there. But as I age, I also realize that I will miss the joy of having grandchildren. My brother also has no children, and that was a constant lament of my mom's in her later years-no grandchildren. Oh no-I'm sounding like my mother!!! Anyway thanks as always for being here and for understanding. I know that loss for everyone is an inevitable part of life, but I still think that for whatever reason, some people have more than their share of it throughout their life. You take care and I'll talk to you soon.

Oh, Annie, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and of your dog both on the same day. How horrible that must have been for you. Why does it seem that so many losses come at the same time? My mom died 1 1/2 years ago and then my dad died only 7 weeks later. Then last year I lost my brother-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my dear 2 year old dog, Tawny. It has been a lot of pain to endure, but it has helped to be on these loss boards to have others support and to read others' stories. I hope that you will gain some peace and ease of pain as this year moves on. My MIL loved my dog, Tawny so I also hope that they are now together, giving each other love and comfort.

Hi Pamela, I hope that as the days have passed, you have at least begun to feel the pain of loss a bit less intensely. It is not uncommon to feel depressed after a loss so what you are feeling sounds totally normal, and what we have all experienced to one extent or another. I hope that you can find some comfort and support in the pet support group you mentioned. I will be interested to hear how it goes. Please share that experience with us if/when you feel up to it. As for giving to you in your hour of need, Maylissa is right, it does help us also, and because we have (and to a certain extent still are)experienced this pain, we truly care and we understand. I hope that you also find comfort in the books that you have ordered. After Tawny's loss, I also ordered some pet loss books (from Marty's site), which were helpful, but I got stuck on the memorial section. Everyone reacts to grief differently (as I have said before), so I am hopeful that memorializing PJ wil help you. I want to do that some day for Tawny, but right now thinking of her and looking at her pictures still brings me too much pain. Maylissa-I finally ordered the book you recommended on the site awhile ago-about the afterlife of animals. I don't know why it took me so long-sometimes I really do procrastinate. But I am looking forward to getting the book and hopefully getting some comfort or some kind of assurance because I still worry so about Tawny. I also have the Chicken Soup for Grieving Souls, which I did find very helpful. However, I bought the Chicken Soup for Dog Lovers Souls and I found that book extremely depressing. I guess the stories I read were supposed to be inspiring, but at least the ones I read were mostly about having to put down a dog and I just found myself crying so hard and so long (and this was before I lost Tawny). So after about 6-8 stories, I quit reading the book, so I don't know how the other stories are. Let me know what you think of the one for Cat Lovers. That's about it for now. I hope, Pam, that when you feel ready, you will write us again. Remember your posts help us as well.

Hi all, I'm back!! I had a fun trip, but I also had some bad times during the trip. Although I know one SHOULD not do this, I could not help but look over the last 2 years of my life and of all the loss that I have had to endure. That is why I am so hoping for a year filled with peace and NO MORE LOSS!! Maylissa, How did you fare through the holidays? I still cannot "conjure up" memories of Tawny without feeling the pain of her loss and the tears freely flow again. I do remember happier times, but it is still with such pain attached. I look at my precious Sweet Pea, now almost 6 months old, and know that she was truly a gift from Tawny, but I want my sweet Tawny back to!! This is so hard. Friends that we went with on the trip (actually more my DH's friends than mine) are now expecting their 3rd grandchild and their first granddaughter, and I cannot help but feel envious! Although they are both a bit older than me, the wife still has her mom and the H still has both of his parents. I know this type of thinking is useless, but I also know that those of you on this board will understand. Since I have no children, I will never know the joy of grandchildren, and sometimes I cannot help but wonder why life is more difficult for some than others-why I had to lose my only baby-during pregnancy-while others have more children than they want or need. Time to stop this negative post. But I am glad I have a place where I feel safe to vent. Thanks.

Dear Pamela, My heart goes out to you on your recent loss of your dear PJ. She was gorgeous indeed! Please do not apologize either for what your wrote here and for what you are feeling. Please know that we here on this board DO understand and do empathize with your pain. Although each loss is unique and each person feels grief in his/her own way and time, know also that this is a place where we do understand because we too have lost a beloved pet. Four and a half months ago, I had to put down my beloved female dog, Tawny, who wasn't even quite two years old due to kidney failure. Although the vet tried, it was too late, and there was nothing they could do for her. So I understand your pain about having to make that decision. It is one of the most difficult decisions I have made, so painful, but yet I know it was the right thing to do for Tawny. I can also relate to your concern about how she is now because I too have gone through that, and still do to a certain extent. I finally had to tell myself that she is fine where she is-happy, free of pain, surrounded by all the love she needs, and free to run, play, eat, and drink all that she wants. She was my "child" so of course I would continue to worry about her. I have also experienced guilt because I feel like I should have been able to protect her or if only I had caught it sooner. But I have also made peace with this too, and know that sometimes there is nothing that we can do no matter how much we love our pet or hard we try. I also lost both of my parents the summer before-within 7 weeks of each other, but Tawny was there for me then too. I also lost a child during pregnancy and was never able to have a child. I share all this to show that we have had some of the same experiences so I truly do understand your pain, and I care. I can tell you that losing Tawny was one of the most devastating of my losses, and I am still not completely over it. It still hurts and I still cry when I think about her. But, I can also tell you that it DOES get easier. The pain of the first few days was so intense and so unrelenting. But as the days and weeks went by, I felt the pain less often and it gradually became less intense. But unfortunately you have to allow yourself to feel that pain, but to also somehow believe that it will get better with time. Having her for 16 and a half years, it only makes sense that you would feel her loss so intensely now. Keep writing here, it helps and we care. I continue to check in here, both to help others and to further help myself. If you want to talk more, feel free to email you. I wish you peace and healing as you travel this difficult grief journey.

I just wanted to let you all know how glad I am to have found this board and for all of you who have responded to me and helped support me over the past 4 1/2 months following the horrible loss of my precious Tawny. Tomorrow we leave on our anual holiday trip and will return in 2007. I want to wish you all a good holiday season and hopefully some good memories of those you have lost. I also hope for a good. peaceful, and joy filled 2007 for all of us and one that is definitely loss-free (unless it is lost weight-LOL)-or anything else one wishes to shed. Maylissa, I know what a tough time this has been for you and I still cannot believe all of the insensitive people you have had the misfortune to come across. But I hope that you will be able to find at least some joy and some peace during this time and I look forward to hearing from you come 2007!

Hi Maylissa, Holidays are tough, and although you are trying to get "into" the mood, I do understand how difficult that can be. Sometimes memories can be comforting, but other times, they still bring a lot of pain. I guess it just depends on where you are along the grieving path. I bought a couple of books on grieving pet loss, and I got stuck on the part about memorializing your pet. I still can't look at Tawny's pictures, which is the first part of that chp.(putting some pictures in the book). But I do have one (of many great pictures) me holding Tawny and somehow smiling, on her last day with us. I also took one of H holding her. I really do want to put that picture in the book. Then it asks you to write about some of your favorite memories. I feel more ready than before, so I might start that today. Writing about some of our memories together. Try to take each day as it comes, and don't put too much stress on yourself. Do what you can and what feels right, and forget about the rest of the stuff.

I am so happy for you, Maylissa, that you finally had a visitation from Nissa, and for the comfort it brought you. I hope to some day have a visitation from Tawny and from my parents too. But perhaps I do not have enough faith or am not a "true believer," I'm not sure how to put it. All I have had so far iare dreams about all three and none of the dreams have been happy ones. Most have been sad or worrisome, just mirrowing my own feelings. This is such a tough time for me now. I feel like I am regressing and I am so thankful for this board and for people like you who I can openly and honestly express how I feel. Yesterday I was going through my drawers and found the sweaters for Tanner and Tawny, and that just started up a well of tears. Rick's (H) only comment was that she barely ever wore that sweater so why would seeing it make me cry. Again he doesn't get it! What I realize (probably again!) is that the loss of my brother-in-law (about 9 months ago) and the loss of Tawny is about more than just the pain and missing of them-esp missing of Tawny. It also ended my relative feeling of calm and my feeling of being finally in a good place in my life-even though my parents were gone. Before BIL and Tawny's loss, I felt that things were good in my life and that I had 2 young (and supposedly healthy) dogs and a relatively young, seemingly healthy husband and that I could look forward to a lot more time with all 3 of them. But now, of course, I worry about Rick and about Tanner and Sweet Pea, and any sense of calm is over! No, it isn't a constant worry-even I can't keep that up-but it is there and I HATE that feeling. Thank you for letting me share and get this off my chest. I know that I cannot change the fate of any of us, that worrying about it doesn't change it, but only makes me feel worse, and that I just have to try to stay calm and to believe. So hard for me.