avsqr_dancer

Dear Marniesmom, I want to add my condolences to those who have already written theirs. I too (unfortunately) have had a similar experience to yours. I had to put down my beautiful girl dog, Tawny, who was not quite 2 yet. I still do not understand-emotionally-why/how this could happen in one so young. We found out that she had kidney disease, and spent the next week and a half hopeful that the treatment would help. Well, it did, but only for a few days-enough to bring her home and say our goodbyes, which you could not do. But then her numbers went up again and her symptoms worsened and there was nothing left to do but end her suffering and not let her get any worse. But until the day we had to put her down, I just do not think that I actually accepted the fact that she wouldn't make it. We put her down 5 weeks ago and it has been very hard. This is the first experience I've had with having to put a pet down as my few other pets have died naturally. It is the greatest grief I have ever felt-including experiencing the death of both of my parents last summer only 7 weeks apart and the death of my BIL last April. The only thing I can say is that it does get easier with time. But I am still unable to look at pictures of her without crying, although I would love to make a tribute to her, as you have done for Marnie. I hope for you too, with time, your pain will ease and you will start to know peace again. I wish that for all of us who have suffered the devastating loss of our furchildren. Serl

Thanks for your comforting words, Maylissa. I will respond more fully when I return, but I just want you to know that the things you said have brought me comfort and I appreciate that. My H also said something similar to what you said about the trip-that I need to "get back on the horse" so to speak and confront my fears-of my intense feelings of sadness, which I guess makes sense. I am sorry to hear that your pain intensifies as each day goes by. I wll talk to you when I return and will continue to pray that you will begin to feel at least some sense of peace mixed in with your intense feelings of missing Nissa/

Hi Maylissa, Although it is harder to feel the pain, than to continue to feel numb, I also believe that this is still another step toward the healing process. I'm glad that you have finally felt that you had a sign from Nissa. I have asked for a sign from Tawny for some time now, but have not recieved it yet. But I think that part of my problem is that I am not really a believer or maybe more accurately that I do not know what I believe. Part of the difficulty I've had over Tawny's loss is that I continue to worry about her. I worry about if she is alright, is she happy, loved, at peace etc. And especially since she was so young, was she ready for death or did she struggle against it? Those are the issues I continue to grapple with along with the feeling of the loss of her physical prescence. For me, part of the difficulty was that she was SO young, and I just do not think that it was fair to her and to all of us who loved her. But I know that life is often not fair. For you, I realize that it was so especially difficult both because you had your dear Nissa in your life for so long, and also because you were her main caretaker so you cannot help but feel her loss all the deeper. The crying is awful, so so painful, but also healing in the end. One day I believe that you (and I) will feel better and feel some peace again, which is certainly what I want and what I pray for us, and for anyone else in this kind of pain. I also want to let you know that I will be going out of town for a week-leaving this Sat and returning the following Sat. We are going on a boat trip, our last for this season. And although I enjoy them, and usually look forward to them, I am actually dreading this trip because our last trip ended up being Tawny's last trip with us, and also where we first saw some of her symptoms and realized that something was wrong. I dread walking back to the RV early in the morning after we have waterskiied cuz Tawny will not be on the dashboard wriggling her whole body in total excitment upon our return. I know the tears will come at that time. But Tanner will be be there, just as excited once he knows where are back, even if he won't be on the dashboard. And he will accompany us as always the rest of the day. And we are going nevertheless. So I don't want you to think that I am ignoring you. I will check the board when I return, and tomorrow as well. I will wish you continued heaing during the week to come. You will remain in my thoughts and in my prayers. Serl

Hi Maylissa, I read your last post and was also thinking about some of what you wrote to me before. Although your husband has been more supportive than my DH, he is not as supportive as you would like. The truth is that we all mourn in our own way and in our own time. And although it definitely helps to have others around, I think, in the end that grieving is basically a solitary endeavor. Even as in our cases, when our husbands also loved our dear furbabies, and miss them now, we each had a unique relationship with our pet that they did not share. Also some people just feel things more deeply, as I suspect is the case with you, and know is the case with me. At times like this, this deep emotion causes us so much more pain. But we are also able to experience a lot more deep love. As for going to counseling or a pet loss group, I believe that in time, you will be ready to pick up that phone or get yourself to one of those meetings. Don't push yourself, do only as much as you can do, one day at a time. Unfortunately, we don't have a pet loss group where I live (at least not one I'm aware of) because if we did, I'd be going there now. So this is also my best resourse too, although I do also go to therapy, which I started last summer with the death of my parents. My heart goes out to you and you continue to be in my prayers.

Ah, Maylissa, I am SO SO sorry for you intense pain. You and Nissa surely shared such a special and unique relationship, which is of course, why you are in such pain right now. Sometimes, I too wonder when/if this awful pain will ever end, but I also know (at least intellectually) that all this pain/crying is part of the eventual healing. For me, honestly, although I have had a few other pets before, the death of Tawny has hit me so much harder than any other pet death that I have ever experienced. The love of an animal is so special and so wonderful, but unfortunately we know this day will come-but are we every really prepared? I think it is very important to validate whatever one is feeling because we feel bad enough without others trying to talk us out of our feeings. I'm glad that you do have the support of your husband. Unfortunately I can not say the same thing. Although he also loved Tawny and I am sure still misses her, he is not one to dwell on things, and so he cannot understand how I can still be in so month pain, a (mere to him) month after! So that is why I seek support here and through a few of my friends who do understand. Try to be as kind/gentle to yourself as you can. We're here for you. The journey of grief is not a smooth, upward journey only by any means. As I wrote here before, each day, although the pain was as intense, it did not seem to come as often. Then earlier this week, I had a "relaspe" of sorts due I think, partly to seeing my friends' 2 healthy dogs that we (Rick, myself, Tanner, and Tawny) have done so much traveling with. I found myself resenting his 2 healthy dogs who are older than Tawny. But now I am feeling a bit better. So goes the course of grief. Take care and keep in touch. Listening to you and writing to you also helps me! Serl

Hi Maylissa, I'm glad that you realize how much your support has meant to all of us on this board. For goodness sakes, in the midst of your own grief, you took the time to send me a personal email. That meant so much to me! As for guilt, I am so sorry you are feeling that, but unfortunately that is another emotion we feel with the loss of a pet, no matter how great a mom we were. The "if onlys!" So I won't try to tell you not to feel guilty or try in any way to invalidate what you are feeling. But it is SO ABUDANTLY clear how much you loved Nissa, and all that you did for her-so much beyond what many other pet owners would have even considered. So with time and as you heal, I hope that the guilt will go away and you will be able to aknowledge what a remarkable mom you are, and how much love you gave Nissa every day of her 19+ years! I have no doubt that Nissa felt that love always and that is why she gave you so much love in return! Serl

Hi Maylissa, I have no words of wisdom to add, and all those who have already posted have also expressed my feelings well, and appreciation for your always being here for us, in spite of the hard times you were having with Nissa. But I do want to say how very sorry I am for your profound loss. There are no words to take away the pain. But I do hold you and Nissa in my prayers, and wish you serenity in your very difficult journey ahead. We are here and we care. Serl

Dear Judith, I am so so sorry for your loss. I know only too well the devastation of lossing a dearly beloved dog, as I had to put my dear Tawny down 3 weeks ago. She was not even quite 2 years old, but she had kidney failure. The vet did what he could, and did buy her another week at home with her family, included her littermate, Tanner. But then she got worse again, and before she suffered any more, we had her put down. There is no way to repair kidneys and we would have only prolonged the suffering and the inevitable, which we knew was not right for our Tawny. I know only too well the pain that you are feeling. Know that you are NOT alone, and that there is nothing wrong with you. You said it yourself, she was your constant companion, and she gave you so much love and you gave it back to her in return. I wish I could give you a magic pill to take away the pain-if so I'd take it myself!-but I will tell you what has been my experience so far. Although when I think of Tawny, the pain is just as intense and I continue to miss her so much, I do find that as each day passes, the times between thinking about her and hurting are lengthening. You have probably heard this before, but unfortunately the only way past the pain is through the pain. But I also believe that as difficult as it is, crying is also healing and by allowing yourself to fully feel your pain, it will become easier and not take as long to begin the healing process. I am glad that you do not feel any guilt because she certainly have no reason to. And I can tell by what you 2 did together that you were a wonderful doggie mom and that you loved each other very much. If you would like to talk anymore about this, please feel free to email me, as it also helps me to talk with others who love/loved their animals as much as I loved Tawny. I wish you serenity as you go on this very difficult journey of grief. And know that there are others on this board who understand how you feel.

Wow, Sue, I never thought of euthanasia that way before, but that is so true. My DH has often said that we are actually kinder and fairer to our animals than to human beings. I remember when my father was dying from pneumonia, with fluid filling his lungs, I made the difficult decision not to use any heroic measures. It couldn't save him, but only prolong the suffering and the inevitable. At that moment, I wished they could just have given him the shot to end his life. But we don't do that for humans. So he basically had to drown in his own fluids, but at least he was unconscious with a morphine drip, as needed and was able to die peacefully a few hours after I said goodby and gave him "permission" to leave. I'm sorry I got off the topic, but I guess I never really understood euthanasia until that moment in the hospital.

Hi Shiloh's mom, Yes, I believe that Shiloh will let you know when it is time. With Tawny, she stopped eating and stopped drinking, especially critical for kidney failure. Her last night with us, she started having some tremors and a bit of difficulty breathing. But her last morning with us, she did play a little bit with her brother, ate a few treats, and was coaxed into drinking a bit of water. Hard as it was, we decided that it was her time, and no use prolonging the inevitable so that she would suffer any more. I too worried about her brother as they were littermates and constant companions. It hasn't been easy, I know that he misses her, but I have explained it to him as best I could (considering) and he is basically doing okay. Animals really are remarkable in so many ways. Feel free to write here or to email me any time you wish. It helps me to both read and respond to others going through the same things. You and Shiloh remain in my prayers.

Hi, I am avsqr_dancer that Derek wrote about. He is right. You will know when it is time. It was one of the hardest decision I ever had to make, but when I realized that the treatment didn't work, and there was nothing left to be done, I let her go. I did not wait for her to suffer horribly, but soon after she started exhibiting some of the symptoms the vet warned us about, My DH and I decided it was time. I won't pretend that it was easy. But it was the last "gift" that we could give her, to let her die in peace without having to suffer any more than she had already. It happened 2 1/2 weeks ago,and I still miss her every day and the pain is intense. But I do notice that each day, the time between the pain lengthens, so in that way it does get easier-slowly. I wish you strength in this very difficult decision and do know that those of us on the board do understand what you are going through. Tawny was my "child" so it is a terrible loss and will take time to work through all the grief. Unfortunately, none of us can take away your pain, but again, we do understand and it definitely helps to know there are others who share this intense grief over the loss of a beloved pet.

Thank you, Derek, for your response. I feel for your friend too because I now know it is never easy to lose a pet. I dread the day that I will loss Tawny's littermate, as well as my other pets. I just hope that they will be granted long lives. Your belief in where Tawny is now brought tears to my eyes, but is also very comforting. Missing her is part of the pain, but still worrying about her has made this all the worse. But I like the image that you gave me, and I will try to hold on to that when I I think of Tawny or when I get particularly depressed. Bless you for taking the time to respond to my post.

Hi Shelly, I am sorry to hear that you are also still in pain. I guess my hope for both of us-for all who are suffering from this kind of loss-is that with time the pain will ease. And like I said yesterday, that the memories will be replaced with joyful ones, rather than this pain. Thanks for answering. I wish us both luck through this very painful journey.

But other times, I feel like I am starting to heal. But when I do think about my dear Tawny, the pain is just as intense as ever, and I just feel like it will never end, that I will never be able to think about her and remember the good times without all this pain. I am having so much trouble accepting her death, because she was so young, and the diagnosis was SO unexpected. I am not a particularly spiritual person and I do not know what I feel about life after death. But I keep feeling tortured by wondering if Tawny is at peace and if she is also happy and is loved as much as she deserves, as much as we loved her. I also fear she is lonely without us. I wish I could have strong feelings about death, the afterlife, etc. one way or another. Due to all my loss in the past year, I have thought a lot about it. But my own doubts are making this all the more difficult. I am thankful for a place where I can express these concerns and will not be thought of silly of foolish. Serl

So sorry to hear of your loss of your beloved kitty. Two weeks ago, we had to put down our beloved girl dog, Tawny, who was not even 2 years old. She had kidney failure, and although we tried, there was nothing they could do. It is always hard to loss a loved one, but I think it is particularly hard when s/he is so young. I too hope my Tawny is now in a peaceful, happy place, and has plenty of people/animals to love and to be loved. She deserves nothing less.

What a beautiful tribute and a wonderful idea! It brought tears to my eyes as I saw all the love you had for one another, and also as I thought of my dear Tawny who we had to put down 1 1/2 weeks ago. Although not even quite 2 years old, she had kidney failure. Right now I find it very painful to even look at her pictures, but because of what you did, I will do something similar for Tawny after I have healed a bit more.

Hi Marie, I am so sorry for your loss. I do understand your pain. I had to put down our dear girl dog, Tawny, a week and a half ago. It is one of the worst things I have ever gone through, and that includes the loss of both of my parents within 7 weeks of each other last summer. Tawny wasn't even 2 years old, but she had kidney failure, and although the vets tried, there was nothing they could do. I have no children (human, that is), but she felt like a child to me. That is part of why I feel the pain is so intense. I also had trouble eating when we were going through the ordeal, the hope, the fear, the horrific anxiety. What I have found, at least so far, is the pain is just as intense, but it comes less frequently than at first. I even find some smiles and laughing between the tears. When I do feel this pain and this missing of Tawny, I too, wonder if it will ever go away. But with time, I think it will continue to lessen, be less frequent, and also the good memories will overtake the bad ones. I wish you the best as you go through this very difficult process, and know I am here for you. It definitely helps to know there are others here who truly understand. Serl

I know that you wrote this post over a month ago, and don't even know if you will check this board again. I hope you are doing better. But I am writing because I had to put my dear Tawny down just a week ago, also due to kidney failure. And she was not even quite two years old. The pain is still so intense and I miss her so much. The only think that I do notice is that the pain comes less often, and I am better able to focus on other things. But I will always love her and always miss her. I'm honestly not sure what my beliefs are, which may be even harder than knowing one way or another. But I don't think I will ever be able to understand why she was taken from us so soon, or why her left had to ended so prematurely. It is just really tough, but I still have her brother, Tanner, who does give me some comfort.

Thank you again, Maylissa. Yes, unfortunately this has been a very tough year or 14 months to be exact-that is when my mom died. Thanks for your suggestions for Tanner. I did exactly what you said-I tried to tell him in simple terms what happened to his sister. I couldn't really explain it, cuz I don't understand it myself-except in a medical way. As for becoming anorexic-I can't imagine Tanner having that problem!! In fact, the vet put him on a diet several months ago, and he has actually lost a few pounds. Of course it wasn't his fault, it was cuz I was overfeeding him. But I will be watching for any signs of depression on his part and am showering him with all the love and attention I can, and DH is doing the same thing.

Thank you your words of comfort and of hope. Today I had to put down my dear dog, Tawny, who wasn't even quite two years old. I am now in such intense pain and find the only comfort I get at all is coming to sites like yours. We still have her littermate, Tanner, and he is also a great comfort to me. But I also worry about him because he does not understand where his constant companion of almost 2 years is and of course we cannot explain it to him. Tawny's kidneys failed and although the vet tried, there was nothing that he could do for her. He was able to give her one more wonderful week with us so that we were able to shower her with love and all the doggie fun she wanted and she could also shower us with the kind of love that can only come these amazing animals. And we were able to say goodby. But she started to weaken and show the signs that her kidneys were shutting down completely and we knew it was time. At least we were able to give her this last gift-to put her down before she began to really suffer. Last summer I lost both of my parents-only 7 weeks apart. In fact tomorrow will be the first year aniversary of my dad's death. But I also find this pain more intense, as some others mentioned. And also as others said, I have no human children, although I lost a child many years ago in pregnancy, so these sweet furbabies were our children. And now we have lost one. Anyway I will probably be visiting this site for awhile. And I want to extend my sympathy to all those who have also lost a dear furbaby.

Thank you, Maylissa and Shelly. I will probably be here a lot right now because my heart is breaking. Tawny was a truly amazing dog. She was so sweet, so cute, so giving, loving etc etc etc. Actually so is her dear brother, Tanner, who I am drawing comfort from now, although I am also aware that he does not understand what is going on and is probably grieving himself. I tried not to cry in front of her this past week, but sometimes I could not help myself. And there she was to kiss away MY tears, in spite of her now feeling quite up to par. That is only one of the truly amazing things about animals! Anyway it is hard for me to understand why this happened to such a young, formerly vibrant dog. But the whys don't really matter now. I also pray that whever she is now, she is okay, in peace, and not too lonely without us. Serl

For those who didn't see my last post, my dear sweet furbaby, who wasn't even quite two years old yet, was diagnosed with kidney failure almost 2 weeks ago. We did what we could, including IV fluid treatment in the animal hospital for 4 days. It was a temporary fix and she was able to come home with us for one final week. But when she was checked again on Thursday morning without treatment, the critcal BUN number was way up again and so we knew (unfortunately) that we'd have to put her down soon. She was starting to weaken slowly, not eating, not drinking enough water, lethargic. Since there was nothing more to be done, we decided to put her down before she really suffered. That is the last gift we could give her-not allow her to suffer. But she did have one more great dog week with us getting and receiving lots and lots of love and also still able to enjoy her favorite doggie activities and treats.. I'm in a lot of pain right now. I know (from what "they say" and my own experience with loss) that "time heals all wounds," but it's just really tough right now. Thanks for those of you who responded to my earlier post and for keeping her in your prayers. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Thank you, Shelly. I suppose at this point that is all I can hope for. That some how with God's help, I will get through it. Actually, no matter what I know I will get through it. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life and have always gotten through, but not without a lot of grief and pain. But unfortunately, I realize there is no way around that! Serl

When my dear husband came home yesterday afternoon, he totally "burst my bubble" and totally upset me, although that is not what he meant to do (about Tawny's chances). But he does not believe that I am being realsitic. He says that her BUN number doubling in less than 3 days without the treatment is a VERY BAD SIGN. He says he just wants me to be prepared so I won't come crashing down again. But how can one prepare for the possibility of having to put down a beloved dog who isn't even 2 years old, much less, at any age? He loves her very much also and does not want to lose her. He wants to have hope and see her continue to defy the odds, but he just doesn't really believe that realistically that can happen. So now all I feel is intense pain and total fear. I can't even hope anymore and even praying and talking to Tawny is hard. I think I already shared that I just finished school-I got an MA in English, and am now looking for a job. So the fact that I home alone all day doesn't help. Well not alone, but with my 3 furbabies, Tanner and Tawny, and my cat, Scooter. I know that no one can take away my pain, but as I've said here before, being online, writing and reading replies is my one small comfort. Oh, I read some more articles on kidney disease in dogs-wish I hadn't-one thing they said is dogs don't normally do as well as cats. And I have heard of a few cats that have survived, like yours, Maylissa. But truth is I've only heard of one dog. Okay, thanks again for being here.

Thank you so much, Shelly. We both very much appreciate your prayers!