avsqr_dancer

Ah, Maylissa, I just got a chance to read this post of yours all the way through. I am so sorry that you had to listen to all that-you absolutely did not need that at this time. She definitely sounds totally selfish. I know this doesn't really help, but she sounds like a person that is totally unaware of others needs or feelings, and totally incapable of any empathy or validation of your feelings. She may not even be aware of how hurtful her words are, but even if she does, she certainly does not care. But esp. in times like you are going through now, that is esp. hard to deal with. Unfortunately, my mom was like your aunt in certain ways-really incapable of understanding, accepting, or validating my feelings. She often said hurtful things to me, always in the guise of helping me as my mother. Thankfully I was able to make peace with her before she died, but sometimes that just is not possible. Luckily I was in a good place for the last few years of her life or I would probably not be able to do so. I hope that you will not have to deal with again-or at least not until you in a better place than now.

Thanks, Maylissa, for welcoming me back-not that I've really been gone. But I have started working again-part time-so I don't have as much time now. But I will definitely still be checking in here to see how you and the others I have met through this board are doing. And also to continue my own grief journey. Yes, Sweet Pea is a joy and is really a comfort to us all. As for Tanner, I am so proud of him-he is being a fabulous big brother-and she just loves and so looks up to him. She gives him a companion to play with again. With animals, it is so hard to know what they are feeling, but I know that he, too, has been affected by Tawny's loss. When she got sick, he reverted back to some puppy behavior-peeing in excitement when he see us or other people he likes. We are still working with him to end it-it ended on its own when he was younger-but it is taking some retraining at this point. The vet agreed that it was a reaction to Tawny's death, as well as reacting to how I, in particular, was reacting-my own increased stress. Fern-I understand what you are saying about not wanting a new dog at this point. It is a very individual decision. I am glad that you have other pets to still bring you comfort. Tanner has been a great comfort to us also. And although, bringing Sweet Pea into the family involved some adjustment for him, I also believe it has been good for him to have another dog again. Tanner and Tawny were littermates, and although I got Tanner a month before Tawny, before her death, that was the only time they were seperated. Anyway both of you take care and I will continue to pray for your eventual recovery and for relief from your intense pain.

Dear Maylissa and Fern, I am so sorry that you continue to feel such deep pain. I can totally understand and empathize. It was 2 months that my Tawny died last week-the 12th. But I must admit that MOST of the time I do feel better, although certainly far from great or over it. I don't think that we will ever be completely "over it," and I know that we will never forgot our dear furbabies. Just when I do feel like the worst is over, then something will happen or I will see or hear something, and the tears and pain will start all over again. Fern, no one should tell you what to do or how to grieve, but I will share with you that I did get another puppy, although it was far from an easy decision. She is almost 4 months old. No, she does NOT replace Tawny, no one ever could. But she has brought some new joy into my life, and even made me smile when I thought nothing could. We didn't really go looking for her. In fact, I believe that (in a way), Tawny sent her to us. She is from the same owner (who has both the parents) as Tanner and Tawny, and the owner works with my husband. He knew about Tawny (DH told him) and one day he came to Rick-H-and told him he had one female puppy left in the new litter that still needed a good home. I didn't know what to do, but I did go look at her and she just sat and cuddled so quietly in my arms for 10 min. while I tried to decide what to do. I finally did decide to take her home and I am not sorry, even though it did mean a lot more work. I named her Sweet Pea (my nickname for Tawny) as a way to honor Tawny's memory. Anyway, I am definitely NOT telling you to get another dog. And I too dread the day when I will have to go through this horror again, both with Tanner and now with Sweet Pea too. But there is so much love and joy that they both give me that I did decide to take the risk. As for husbands, I think, Fern that he wants to help you, but just doesn't know how. And of course, he is grieving too. Men want/need to fix things, and when they can't, they say wrong things. My H did the same thing, and I was so angry and resentful at first, but now I understand. We need each other now, as do you and your husband. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I too know how you feel. We all heal at different rates and in different ways. When I was going through the worst of it, I couldn't believe that it would ever end. And although it hasn't ended, as I said before, it is better much of the time, and I believe that in time you will go through this horrible grief tunnel and also come out at the other end. I wish this for you both, Maylissa and Fern.

I too want to add my condolences to the loss of your precious Marco. Two months ago I lost my precious dog, Tawny, who wasn't even quite two years old yet. She had kidney failure and there was nothing that could be done(although we tried,) so we had to put her down. The loss of a pet at any age is devastating, but I think part of the pain of losing one so young is the total shock and unexpectedness of it. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? I also understand and share your concern about where is he now and will you see him again? But all the wonderful responses you have had here and that others have written to me have helped me to believe that I will see my dear Tawny again and that wherever she is, she is fine and happy. It is true (unfortunately!) that none of us can take away your pain, but in an ironic sense, feeling this pain will help you to heal. It does take time, but it does get better, trust me. The first few days are the worst, when the pain feels almost constant and never ending-at least from my experience. But I also found that with each day, the pain, although as intense, did not come quite as often. Now I think that for the most part, I am over the worst of it, but then there are still those moments when just thinking about Tawny brings tears to my eyes and deep pain and sadness. I am so glad that you found this board and that you are able to write about your feelings. Be assured that we all understand and that we do not take any of your feelings lightly by any means. Although I suffered many losses over the past year and a half (including the loss of both of my parents) the loss of Tawny was by far the most devastating. I hope that you will keep coming back for the love, support, and understanding that you can find here. And I wish you peace and healing in this very difficult grief journey.

Wow, I can relate so well to what both of you are saying. I too felt I had a really good life with my husband and my 2 young dogs, and only 6 year old cat. I have been a worrier all my life, but for at least a few short months? I felt relatively calm. But then my brother-in-law (Hubby's brother) died of a heart attack at only 55 (a week shy of his 56th birthday) and his father also died young (58) from a heart attack. Now my DH is in much better physical condition that either of them were, and is going to a cardiologist regularly (because of my request), but I know that there are no guarantees, and he certainly has a this genetic predispostion now. Then 4 months later, my dear Tawny dies, and now I worry for Tanner, in case the kidney problem is also genetic. Darn genetics, anway!. So truth is, although I try to stay calm and not dwell on it, I live in fear/anxiety that I too will lose all that I love. Now my parents lived long, although certainly not always healthy, lives. And I also fear that could become my "curse"-to leave a much longer life than all those I love and also end up alone. Again, it helps to have others who understand these feelings. I think after all these losses, it isn't uncommon to feel as we do, but it sure doesn't feel good, does it?

Hi Lori, I don't think that is selfish at all. I do not think that we are really ever ready to lose those that we love no matter how old they are. My mom was 83 and my dad was 89, but I was still not ready. Losing your parents at any age is tough. And then to lose such a faithful companion on top of that makes it all that much harder. Although I only had Tawny for a year and a half, she had become so much a part of our lives and our hearts that it was devastating to lose her. She too was there to comfort me through the loss of my parents, always licking away my tears, and cuddling up close to me in bed. Although my pain has eased, it has not gone away either. Intellectually I know it will some day, but emotionally I too wonder.

Fern, I am so sorry for your losses-so (TOO) many in such a short time. If you have been following these posts, then you know my story, so I won't bore you with the details. But I am also a middle-aged woman, but the loss of Tawny was the most devasted loss that I can remember. And that is in spite of still having 3 other pets, and a husband. (And losing both my parents 7 weeks apart last summer and my brother-in-law in April.) And I can tell you that some days or some times of the day are better than others. It has been 6 weeks since Tawny died, and I still cry every day. But, I don't cry nearly as often as I did at first, and I don't think the pain is as intense, but it is still there. Give yourself permission to grieve and don't make excuses why you shouldn't. You have every right to feel what you feel, and as you see here, we certainly understand the depth of your pain. I wish your peace and healing on this very difficult journey.

I am so sorry for your guilt and for your pain. But it sounds like he was probably suffering for awhile, as you grappled with this very difficult decision. But you did NOT kill him, you had him euthanized, probably on the reccomendation of the vet, when there really wasn't anything left to do. You ended his suffering, the ultimate unselfish thing to do. I understand your feelings. I had to put down my not even quite 2 year old dog who had kidney failure. As her symptoms began to worsen, I took her in to the vets. She might have been able to go on another few days, but I already knew what would happen as she got sicker and sicker, and since nothing more could be done to save her, we (husband and I) decided to let her go before she suffered anymore. At first, I also felt like I had killed her, but again, what I did was end her suffering by euthanizing her. I hope with time, you will come to accept this, and at least feel some peace.

Hi Maylissa, I am so glad that the last vet that you spoke to was finally able to put you horrible guilt to rest. I also am glad to hear that you have a few leads on counselors that may be of help to you. The road of grieving and healing is never easy, as you too well know, but at least if you can release that oppressive guilt, and then just focus on the grief and the eventual healing. I'll write more later, but I wanted to let you know that I am happy that you are now on another plane of the grieving process.

Thank you, Marty and Maylissa, to your response to my inquiry. It does help to hear what others do and feel, but it is true that we must do what feels best for us at the time. That is all we can do really, isn't? Sometimes, I fear that I wll forget what Tawny looked like also, esp. since she looked a lot like Tanner. So yes, on the one hand, I see Tawny in Tanner, but on the otherhand, she definitely had her own look too! But in time, when I feel more ready, I will take her pictures and make a memorial to her that feels right. My husband took a picture of Tawny and I on her last day with us, as I took one of him with her. These will be a key part of her scrapebook.

Lori, Could you give me that website that makes jewelry from pet's pictures? As a Jewish person, we do not believe in creamation, but I love the idea of jewelry with my beloved Tawny's picture. Marty-I have a also read that remembering is an important part of grieving a lost loved on. I even got a few of the pet loss books that you recommended online. However, I am still at the stage, where every time that I think of Tawny, I start to cry. And looking at her pictures is still so painful for me. I realize there is no timeline, but I am wondering if it is still too soon for me to work on the remembering, memoralizing her, part. One of the books has its whole middle section, dedicated to just that-different memories of the pet. Every day, I say tomorrow I will start that-ah, kind of like Scarlett O'Hara, huh?

Thanks, Maylissa, for all the info. I knew you'd be the one to go to for kidney problems. I'm not sure why Tanner was dehydrated either, although I took him early in the morning, so maybe he hadn't had much water yet. He does eat dry food, so that is something to consider, switching to wet. I may pm you later for the book you recommended. Keeping Nissa alive for 6 1/2 years is truly amazing. Right now, like I said, I am just trying not to overreact or get too upset! It is tough finding a good counselor, and I understand your dilemma. I actually first starting seeing my therapist last summer when my mom died. I originally called someone else that I used to go to, but she know longer works here, so she refered me to the one I work with now. Without word of mouth, it is hard to know. Perhaps you could speak with a few by phone to see if you have any connection. I can understand feeling that Nissa did not want to leave you, I felt that about Tawny too. But at some point, if the pain was too great, as you suggested, letting them go so they don't suffer anymore is a great gift. When my father was dying, and there was nothing left to do and we refused extradionary measures, which only would have prolonged the inevitable, I wished then that euthanization of humans was an option. He had pnuemonia, so he basically drowned in his own fluids, but at least he was unconscious, and I made them promise they'd give him morphine if he needed it. Once I said goodby to him, he died a few hours later instead of lingering up to 2 more days. I guess I'm trying to say that at some point, we do have to let go as hard as it is, and decide that enough is enough and believe that we have done the best, most unselfish thing for the one that we love.

Hi Maylissa, The "D" in DH stands for "dear," which is ironic considering how I feel right now, but also why I purposedly used it! The vet appt for Tanner wasn't as good as I hoped, but not terrible either. Basically his BTU(I believe that is what he called it?) was 37, and he (the vet) prefers it under 30. But another number indicating dehydration was also elevated, and he believes that the 2 numbers are related causing the first number to be up a bit. He (vet)says it's premature to do anything else now, but he recommends rechecking numbers again in a month, and if it is still elevated, then more kidney function tests will be indicated. Basically I'm doing okay, although NOT thrilled, of course. But this vet is the exact opposite of the last one, having a fantastic bedside manner. He is very caring and calming, while also being honest. So I will take his advice, and try to stay as calm as possible! Very hard for me! As for being sensitive, I am very sensitive, which like you I believe can be a good thing most of the time, but in times like this, it can be very tough! Honestly at these moments, I wouldn't mind being a bit more like my DH! I'm so sorry that your first vet could not take away your guilt, and also sorry you don't have a pet loss counselor in your area. I understand why you would prefer to go to that kind, but my therapist is also not a pet loss counselor either, although she does work with grief counseling in general, and is also an animal lover. She has already come up with a few insights that have helped me. I want to share one with you now. Whether or not it will help, of course, only you can know. But I have also had my own share of grief over euthanizing Tawny, and wondering if I did so too soon. Yesterday, I told my therapist again I feel so bad because it was so unfair that she died so young, so unfair to me and to her also. Her take on this is that is was UNFAIR to me, not UNFAIR to Tawny. That sTawny was fine, and was ready for death, and that as you already know, animals do not fear death like we do. She said that I was projecting my own fears of death and dying onto Tawny, and that is what I need to stop doing. Anyway, I don't know if I made it real clear to you-what she said or what she meant, but hopefully you understand the basics. I think what I am also trying to say to you is that you did NOT FAIL Nissa, that she didn't think like her, and that if you failed anyone,it is more that you failed yourself, because you weren't able to keep her in our life any longer. Does that make sense? Okay enough for now!

Hi Maylissa, I'm glad to see that you are okay, or at least hanging in there. My heart wept for you as I read your post. You are definitely having more than your share to deal with. I understand your sorrow at hearing about that medication after Nissa's death. And of course, you would wonder, and only you will know when enough is enough. I think that we have all been through those "if onlys" and even knowing they are useless, after the fact, doesn't help. Yesterday I was cleaning my "clutter desk," and found some vet bills for Tawny. And the tears came instantly and hard. So I had to shed all those bills immediately. I keep thinking I am over the worst, and then something like that happens. I am so sorry for your aunt's reponse, and can understand how hurt and disappointed you must feel. I grew up with a mom just like that. She was always telling me that I was too sensitive, and would always tell me to stop crying, that I was crying for no reason. She would never validate my feelings so I truly do know how devasting that is. And not having your hubby's support-unfortunately, I relate to that too. That is the worst. And for him to feel he had to get drunk and then not even call you, is unforgivable in my opinion. You need each other, but for whatever reason, you seem to be working at cross purposes now. Yes, animals can give us that unconditional love that we so long for, but rarely can get from our human companions. I am now trying to accept my DH for what he can and can not give me. I am also disappointed in him and felt resentful when he basically told me that enough was enough-I'd done enough "moping" and time to move on. But I really want to get past that feeling because I love him and I need him. I knew when I married him that he had difficulty with these kind of emotions. Resenting him now is only hurting myself and my marriage. That is why I come here and also go to therapy for the support I need. We all can give only what we are able to give. I hope that the vets can help you relieve your guilt. Today I am taking Tanner to the vet for his 2 year "well doggie check" and for his shots. I have also decided to have the vet check his kidney functions. I am so afraid that he may have something wrong too (cuz it might have been heriditary), although he seems okay. But I have finally been convinced that it is best to check to make sure. Talk to you later.

Hi Marniesmom, Doofus is so adorable. We too got a new pup, actually from the same parents as Tanner and Tawny. I believe that Tawny sent her to us in a way because we did not go looking for another dog. But my DH works with the owner of the parents of these dogs, and he told Rick that his dogs had pups again, and that he still has one female pup left that needs a good home. It was a hard decision because I didn't want to feel as if I'd betrayed Tawny, but like I said, I believe Tawny wanted us to have her and give another dog a good home. So I named her Sweet Pea, which was my nickname for Tawny. I wanted to honor her memory. I understand about still feeling pain over Marnie's loss. I still miss Tawny so much. No, one animal does not replace another, but it does help to have a new one to give our love to and to see the cycle of life continued. Here is a picture of our precious Tawny. [attachmentid=59] Hi, I will now post a picture of Tanner (the big, older one!) and Sweet Pea, who is about 3 months now. [attachmentid=60]

Maylissa, Are you reading any of these posts? I understand you not wanting to write anything now. But I am concerned about you and I am sure other are too. So if you are lurking about, could you please just let us know that you are okay, or at the least hanging in there? Best. Serl

Hi, I am sorry to hear that whatever the animal communicator said upset you more. The truth is-at least as I see it-is that no one really knows what happens after death, and that if it comforts you to believe that Dulci is happy in heaven with Jesus, then I encourage you to try to think those thoughts. I have been trying to do something similar, thinking of my dear Tawny happy and healthy and well taken care of by my parents already in heaven, and having all the pets both they lost and I have lost there to play with. It is not always easy for me to believe this, but it is something I am working hard on. I don't know how old Koko is, or if she is ill in any way, but I think that her reaction to Dulci's loss is common. I know that Tawny's littermate, Tanner moped around after she died, although it didn't effect his appetite-nothing does-LOL! But he also reverted to some bad puppy habits (although he is now almost 2 years) and hadn't done these things in many long months. Animals also feel the loss and it is so hard because we can not explain to them, although I have seen suggestions that you talk to them as you would to a child and tell them what happened. I did that, but I don't know what, if anything he understood. My point in all of this is that our remaining animals also need to grieve, and like us, they too will heal in their own time.

Hi Sarah, I just viewed your amazing video of Marnie. What a truly beautiful dog who obviously gave you so much love and joy, as you did for her too. I so admire you for doing this. I also want to do this for my dear Tawny, but so far (after 6 weeks), it still hurts too much to view her pictures. But when I am ready, I will take my cue from you, and at least try to create something as beautiful and moving. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Hi Derek, I was on a trip last week, but I have been posting and reading before that, and of course, I am back now! I am doing a bit better, slowly! The pain is still there, and I know that I will always miss my dear Tawny, but it does seem to be a bit more manageable. I realized that part of my pain was worry over her even now, where she was?, if she is lonely without us? Is she healthy and happy now? Unfortunately I am not a spiritual person as you appear to be, but I am replacing my negative thoughts (or trying to) with positive thoughts that she is okay, healthy and happy, that even as young as she was because she was ill, she was ready to go, and even trying to imagine that she is with my parents and all their (and my) animals who have passed away already. I didn't realize that you had lost your wife. I am so sorry, although I know that those words are so little for such a devastating loss. I am glad that you can be there for you son, although I imagine some days are harder then others. When my parents died, my Tanner and Tawny were there to lick away my tears and cuddle close at night. I am glad that you have a furbaby to do that for you too. All my furbabies are fine and are helping me to heal slowly. Bless you for taking the time to come to this forum and respond to others in need.

Hi Kim, I know exactly where Apple Valley is. It is about 50-60 miles east of where we live. So definitely the right state, although I have to admit I didn't think of Apple Valley-when I used av! One of the dogs is from the same litter, so they were almost constant companions. But the other dog is younger, still a puppy. But these are such great dogs, that is why we ended up with 3 from the same parents. My DH works with the owner, and that is how we first heard of these dogs. And yes, I just have to hope that even if it was genetic, it was still a fluke. I don't even want to think of the possibility of losing the others too young! Even in Tawny's too short life, she gave me so much joy, and now Tanner and Sweet Pea continue to do so. Take care. Serl

Thank you, Kim. avsqr_dancer actually stands for Antelope Valley (where I hail from) square dancer. Yes, Tawny was so young and it was a total shock. When I took her to the vet, I figured she might have a bladder infection which would be totally curable with antibotics. We do not know what caused her kidney failure. It could have been genetic, which is scary cuz we have 2 other dogs from the same parents. But the vet said even if it was genetic, it isn't likely that the other 2 would have that same condition, and we do know that the parents and other known puppies from them are fine. Other possibilities were some kind of poison even though we thought we were so careful with her. But you can't watch them every single moment! Anyway, we decided to spend the money trying to treat her rather than possibly finding out what caused it. What an adorable dog you had! Yes, I totally agree. If only people could give that kind of unconditionally love. The only person who ever gave that to me was my dad and he has been dead for over a year now. Anyway I wish us both peace and healing in this grief journey.

Oh, Maylissa, I wept for you as I read your post. There is nothing I can add to what Marty has said. But I am definitely one of those people who care very much for you and who constantly remembers how you were able to reach out to me in my hour of need in spite of your own pain. I cannot imagine anyone doing anything more for Nissa than you have done. But I can well imagine people doing so much less. I am so sorry that you feel abandoned by your husband now when you need him the most. I understand that feeling only too well. You are a person with such a deep capapcity for love. My hope for you (and for some lucky animal) is that sometime down the line, you will feel ready to take another animal into your heart and into your home. I know now is not the time, but I just wanted to put that out to you because I so respect all the love and care and devotion you gave Nissa for all her life.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Blacky. I understand how hard it is not to blame yourself, but I am sure that you realize that guilt is not only useless, but also harmful. It WAS an accident and as hard as that is to accept, in time, I believe that you will accept it and move on with you life. I am wishing you peace in your journey toward this self acceptance. Kim-I understand just what you are saying about the loss of a pet being more difficult in some ways than the loss of a person. Last summer, both my parents died within 7 weeks of each other. Then my brother-in-law died suddenly last April. But the hardest loss I have faced was the death of my dear Tawny only 5 weeks ago from kidney failure at the young age of 2. It has been devastating and the worst pain I can remember in such a long time. BTW-she was a doxie-corgi mix and just adorable and such a good dog. I still have 2 other dogs-also both doxie-corgi mixes from the same parents. They are definitely a comfort, but nothing cam replace my dear Tawny.

Hi Maylissa, I'm so sorry that you now have the added burden of guilt over your dear Nissa to deal with. I also am sorry that your husband agreed rather than trying to talk you out of it. Could he perhaps be projecting his own feelings of grief onto you? I sincerely hope that your seeing the vet will put your mind to rest. I understand the "what ifs" and also know that intellectually they are not only useless, but also harmful to our overall recovery, but that emotionally we cannot help but feel these feelings. We were their mommas so we always think that we should have been able to do anything to save them, even if we really know that cannot be true. I keep hoping that you will begin to feel a bit better, and will continue to pray that you will. Let us know what the vet tells you. Serl

Hi Maylissa and all other pet lovers on this board, Just wanted to let you know that I am back from my trip. It was not as painful as I anticipated, but those painful moments were there.(Remembering Tawny on her last trip with us). But then these painful moments are with me here at times as well. I hope that you are feeling at least a bit better. To Button's mom-I also enjoyed reading about Button-esp. cuz this is where I struggle the most-how is Tawny now and where is she? I still worry about her. If only I could really believe that she is okay wherever she is, that there is some type of afterlife, then I know I would feel better, at least in this regard. So hearing of your sign from Button was very comforting. I continue to wait for a sign from Tawny, but perhaps I have already received one, but wasn't aware of it. I just don't know. Anyway, hope that all are coming along in their grief journey, as I am doing, and hope for peace for us all.