kayc

Yeah, it just got over, it was good

All I wanted to do was encourage you.

Arlene, I realize there are differing degrees of CFS, some can be managed, some cannot. I feel I deserve to be treated with respect and not sarcasm. I care very much about people on this site and take it very seriously. Perhaps someone else is better able to respond to you, I am not sure what you are wanting.

Oh Mary, what luck! Some of the news is good, some of it is less than hoped for. All in all at least it'll work with corrective lenses, but it's so hard to wait. I can see why they want to wait, make sure it doesn't do any more changing. I am NOT looking forward to getting cataract surgery. They ruined my mom's eyes and my sister's (both had different types of surgery) and frankly it scares me having anyone coming at my eyes with a scalpel (or laser). But when it reaches the point there's no alternative, I'll have to deal with it. I hope you and Bentley have a good night tonight and get lots of rest, along with Anne and Benji. Extra hugs!!! Kay

True. Jim was on my cell phone plan, that was how I discovered he'd reconnected with Stephanie. She lives in OK, we're in OR, so it's quite noticeable esp. when it showed up as the first item on the phone bill, which happened to be on his birthday. Kind of a dead giveaway. I always went on line to get my bill right after the stmt cut so I couldn't help but notice when that's the first thing on the screen! I was hurt because he hadn't answered my bdy call...too busy talking w/her I guess (it was over an hour). I don't think he's interested in her beyond friendship, that's not what it was about, what bothered me was not telling me about it. Oh well, I don't have to worry about such things anymore! Your pain will continue to lessen with each passing day...I hope for good things to start coming your way!

Well all I know is, someone doesn't "fall in love" THAT fast! So unless there was something going on before (when she was with you), it's not likely she could already be deeply in love with this guy. But she could be fooling you on the first point. But that wouldn't speak well of her character and I wouldn't want her if that was the case. The second thing is, people don't get over their love that fast...so give yourself time, cry if you feel the need, it's okay to shut it off in order to do your work, but give yourself a time/place to grieve her when you're off. It's part of the healing process. I know it sucks, and I'm glad you have your mom and friends to talk to, it helps.

Yes Arlene, I read. You could go over to see your friend then since she can't come to you. I'm trying to come up with ideas for you but you shoot them all down, still I'm brainstorming. I'm sorry I've somehow managed to offend you. And yes, I am familiar with CFS, I was diagnosed with it years ago. I also got Mono but I still made it to work every day, and oh yes I do know how hard it is. All I know to do in life is put one foot in front of the other and keep going, it's all I've ever done, no matter what I've been through. (((hugs))) I won't give you any more suggestions then.

Oh Anne, hoping and praying along with you that your little Benji will be fine and the Phenobarb will do the trick. I bet you are exhausted! ♥

Harry, I'm sorry about your yard problems, and that you have to wait another week to learn anything. I had to laugh when you told me you'd opened Job...it's pathetic but laughable too because that sounds like my kind of luck...looking for hope and inspiration and getting Job. I guess the inspiring part about it is that no matter what happened, he kept the faith. Sometimes that's about all we have to hang on to. (I would say sanity but sometimes I'm not sure about that.) The donations are wonderful! That is exciting and what a tribute to Jane if this could be beat! I know it comes as a double edged sword as it'd be better if it could have come in time to save her, but by the same token, if it's happening at all, at least it's a great tribute to her that others wouldn't have to go through the path she traveled.

I think the number one reason is they don't have it in them to deal with a relationship on top of their grief/loss. It's obvious that they view the relationship as requiring something from them, otherwise, wouldn't they be more apt to receive our support in the way they do from their friends? I don't think this necessarily speaks to how we are with them, so much as their internal perceptions/experience. Perhaps there were flaws in the relationship to begin with that we weren't aware of or they have some bit of information that we aren't privy to. My Jim vehemently said over and over again that he saw us spending our lives together, just as your GF did, and others here. Yet that is contrary to what their final actions demonstrate, isn't it? Perhaps they secretly had reservations or qualms they didn't share with us out of their own lack? I know Jim struggled with communications, as an Aspie, and it's definitely a weakness of his to not be able to openly discuss points of conflict, I think that may have weighed in, but so hard to know when everything from my end is speculation and can't be confirmed...he still isn't getting real with me. And that's all I ever asked for! Funny how the one thing we want (honesty) is the one thing we're denied! I do see a bit of pattern in that Jim broke up with his previous ex by leaving in the middle of the night to fly back to his hometown...I don't even know if she got a goodbye note. He explained it away by saying something she said made him afraid of her. Seriously? Then why did he resume talking to her when we were engaged and friend her on FB? That's not something you'd do if you were truly afraid of someone. I know...I have an ex I was afraid of and I am careful not to have contact with him, even after 37 years! So that doesn't hold up. I think the real reason is he didn't want confrontation/conflict and he was a coward so he snuck out instead of giving her what she deserved...honesty. I don't know if your GF ever did this before or not, but it'd be interesting to know. Have these others had a history of being less than candid or running or failure to follow through on commitment? Just speculating. How can we know but what they tell us? You are right, we needn't have or seek validation outside ourselves, we are quite enough validation in and of ourselves! And I have learned to do just that and am happy with myself. This "self talk" is so important! We must learn the art of self validation. Of realizing we are not a "half" but a "whole" and whatever we and someone else bring to the table may enrich each other, but we are whole, all the same. I would not receive their trying to put the blame on us, thankfully, Jim hasn't done that, at least I can say that for him!

You don't invite yourself for dinner, you have a barbeque and invite them over. Sometimes it helps to have someone else there to help entertain them while you're tending the meal, but if it's a barbeque, they can all be out back while you're slinging hamburgers or whatever. Opening wounds is the only way towards healing them. Ignore them and they don't get better, they fester. Don't back out now, go through with this! You ask what you have to offer others when you're still so broken yourself...caring. There are so many others in the same boat and our tendency is to isolate ourselves. Wouldn't it be nicer if we reached out to each other so none of us would feel quite so alone? Married couples tend to fill those needs in each other so when we're married, it's easy to get in the habit of nesting in our homes, but once our spouse dies, our very home seems isolated/lonely. After much passage of time it seems to pass some, but as Marty's pointed out, it's not time that heals so much as what we do with it.

I am lucky in that Jim hasn't chosen to date since me, but I feel the same feelings as you. That's not to say I'll never feel different, but if after three years I don't feel different, I don't know that I will. I know the true test whether we're over them or not is indifference, not love or hate, and I'm not totally there yet.

I know, but that's not the same as interacting with others while you're out, do you have a friend you could meet when you go out for your nails? It'd be a good time for lunch out.

Oh Anne, I know how hard this is for you to go through...and Benji too. I know there isn't much you can do when he's having one, but perhaps you can just hold him afterwards and comfort him, let him know everything is going to be okay. I'm glad he has you in his life. It's the two of you going through everything together, caring about each other, helping one another through it. Do let us know what they say after you've taken him in to the neurological center. Perhaps a medication would slow down the frequency of seizures. My uncle was epileptic and endured seizures throughout his lifetime, and I knew another lady who had them quite often...they've learned so much more since that time, I'm sure they can help him.

Anne, Thank you for the great spirit prayer. Mary, You are on my heart today...am wondering what you learned.

This picture reminds me of us waiting, getting in touch with our soul, our purpose.

I remember Dwayne, on this site, after his Paula passed, he would do things for people. He'd go spend time with a lonely friend that was disable, make home repairs for widowed women in his church, joined his church choir, went back to school and became a nurse. I know you are disabled, but you can still reach out to others with what you CAN do. Even if it's hard to get out, you can call people, be a friend to those who need it. Take up baking...bake something to take to others who could use uplifting. When my son-in-law lost his job, he was out of work for two years, getting odd jobs here and there. He could have stayed home and felt sorry for himself, which wouldn't have helped his situation, but he started volunteering at the food bank, to pay back some of what had been given to him...he still carries on this volunteer work years after being back to work, using his days off to do so. The point isn't so much WHAT you do, as figuring out that niche for you, what you feel called to do. My sister no longer drives and has to use a walker, she falls real easy so it's hard for her to get out. But she makes it a point to call our disabled sister every day, and her widowed neighbor, and me...she brightens up other people's lives just by her caring. I try to do the same for those I can reach out to. Sometimes we have only to look around us, beyond our suffering, beyond our lonely existence, to see the needs of others.

I heard someone say they wanted their ex to have someone else, they just wanted their happiness. Not me, I'd feel angry! I guess I haven't reached the "it doesn't affect me one way or another" stage yet. But I'd feel mad that he didn't come through for me but would someone else. After all, he pursued me, he asked me to marry him, he said he saw us spending the rest of our lives together...and then just breaks up with me with no explanation? It's funny after three years to still feel angry about it but I am. I don't feel he deserves happiness after how he dealt with me. Yet I care about him. How can that be? Love is such a strange thing...

I realize you have a lot of health problems to contend with, I just thought perhaps getting out once a week would help your mindset. I'm in the same boat with support groups, for me it'd be 100-120 mile round trip and in the winter especially...just not feasible. With all of the commuting I do, the last thing I want is more driving. Would it be possible for you to visit your friend, since she's shut in? Or is it just too painful? That much medication must make you feel sleepy. My GF is on heavy medication and it wipes her out, she loses days.

My mom had made the horrendous decision to put a heavy stained lacquer over the bookshelf, in my estimation, it ruined it's value as solid wood, it covered it up way too much. Perhaps they wanted to start with a clean wall and amplify the room. Her living room was way too narrow, I never understood why with (four at the time) kids they'd build it so narrow. Ahh, every house has something to contend with. It sounds like you, thinking of the rabbits. There is a wild bunny across the street from me, Arlie wants to chase him but I don't let him. (I know it looks like great fun.)

You are so right...sometimes I think the harder part is AFTER they turn 18, readying them for adulthood. I smile as I read: "And you are so right. I do still have a purpose. Tending to my small flock." Much the same as I feel, even if I don't hear from my kids all the time, still, they need us there in the wings.

You all and your artistic (yard) ability puts me to shame! My place fits into the natural surroundings, and my beautiful green grass just turned straw colored from lack of rain. No one has extra water for their yard as we're on wells. I want to post a picture of my mom's house...I was ecstatic after seeing it last night, they gave me a tour. They had to replace the roof/upstairs ceiling so while they were at it, went up four feet and vaulted it and added skylights. They turned the attic into a loft bedroom and the shop into a downstairs and added bathroom etc. so it's a fully contained unit in itself. They removed the cupboard/counter in kitchen so it now is open (next to dining room) and they installed granite counters and beautiful wood cabinets on the opposing wall and I think are putting in the appliances on the brick wall. All new windows throughout, enlarged/changed bathrooms, restored hardwood floors, new linoleum for kitchen, carpet upstairs. Changed some walls, everything freshly textured/painted. Removed the large built in bookshelf. Painted the middle brick wall cream. Made the upstairs into separate bedrooms with new closets. It's really quite phenomenal! My dad would be so pleased that they not only saved it but made it a work of art! It was hard to see all of the rhododendrons and rosebushes go, as well as the trees but they plan to do some landscaping after they build the house in the back.

I hope you can think of this move as a fresh start and wiping him out of your heart, like a breath of fresh air. I had someone really lamblast me on another site, after Jim broke up with me. I was so heartbroken and she basically told me I shouldn't think of myself, that he should choose his mother over me and how could I be so selfish! I disagreed. She said forums people should be able to express what they want and if I couldn't take it to stay off. Wow. I only hope she gets to experience it first hand someday. I, like you, feel that grief is not an excuse for bad behavior. If he'd wanted some space, needed a break, I'd understand. But for long term, to just break up with no warning, no explanation, and do it the chicken way he did...no excuse. And the trouble with that is, it breeches trust so bad, it'd take major effort to put humpty dumpty back together again...which I don't see. Good luck with your move, I hope this is the start of a much better life for you, you deserve it!

Arlene, Well if it's any consolation, the Bachlorette is a huge disappointment this year...soft and subtle revenge to your sister. I don't think it's abandonment you're experiencing, so much as loneliness. It sounds like you have a good support system with the neighbors next door and with those who call and check on you on a regular basis. It took a lot for your friend to show up at the emergency room, people with that condition just don't go out, it requires extensive therapy to help them begin to emerge, so she must really love you. My best friends did not attend my husband's funeral, which made me realize we weren't as good friends as I'd thought. I'm sorry your sister is lacking in her ability to care for others...sometimes that comes from having had life easier and not having experienced hard places ones self. I appreciate the internet myself so much, as only one who lives alone can relate...but it doesn't substitute getting out and around people. Have you considered getting out once a week to a grief support group, church, or other activity, just for the contact? It might help you feel more connected.

Niamh, You have been through so much, perhaps counseling would be of great help to you. Have you talked openly with your friend about the distance you are feeling? It could be a misunderstanding or communication problem...or it could be he feels you need the self-reliance. At any rate, I'd let him know that you value him but try not to come across as over-needy as that could overwhelm him and cause him to pull back even more. That you know he's not deserting you is good. I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your mom. These last couple of years have been quite an emotional journey for me as well, as we had to take my mom to court to get her diagnosed (she has Dementia) and my brother became power of attorney and she's been placed in a Dementia Care Facility as she needed 24/7 lock down. It's been a period of learning. Sometimes, as Anne says, when we are going through something it can cause the old feelings of grief to resurface and compounds...and grief counseling can help us find a road map through it. Please keep us posted...we care. Kay