kayc

Mary Q, please keep us posted about your BP, hopefully new meds will do the trick. I know how hard it can be to get it down, mine was too high for years, and rather borderline now although passable.

Stephen, I'm glad you got some rain...not sure if you've been in the middle of one of the country's "heat waves", but rain is welcome. Upper 80s is hot for Oregon, so I look forward to the rain/thunderstorm we're supposed to get Tuesday night as it's been 80s/90s for the last month! Arlene, I had to laugh out loud when you said people tend to think they were someone famous in another life. That's great! I don't know anything about "past lives" but I think most of us understand that our energy continues on, beyond when they pronounce us dead.

Harry, sounds like a wonderful ending to a very productive day! Mary, it's those anniversaries that hit us. I'm glad I'm not so good at tracking the years/months/days/hours, it's just that many more anniversaries to be hit with!

Succinctly put, Mary, I feel the same way. We have always shown such respect to each other and I feel Chris' post/s today to be lacking in that. We care, but we cannot help someone unless they want that help.

I did try to pin him down a bit but he seems to have a hard time admitting to how he feels...although he has said "I love you" and called me "Baby" (which he used to call me when we were together), he seems to make light of it at the same time, perhaps to save face or because he's unsure of how I'd respond. Honestly, I think I'd need more than I was willing to accept before, but I do still care about him...I'm just not sure he can give me more.

To feel it is different than to plan it or act on it. You are not ostracized, you are welcome to express yourself here. Yes it's been aired here...not to the extent of planning on it. As far as being willing to admit things, I don't think you'll find a more open group, we have been very vulnerable with each other. I am not going to debate suicide, if you care to discuss it with someone else, feel free, I just don't choose to participate, I have my own opinion which is neither here nor there to you. You should be seeking counsel from a professional...we've all encouraged you to but you ignore advice given you. Why do you feel you are turned away? We haven't done that. We have pointed you towards help that we feel you would benefit from in ADDITION to being here, not INSTEAD of being here. No one has ever said you are not welcome here, I think quite the opposite. I think you're way out of line for judging us as condemning, rebuffing, rejecting, none of us are that. Perhaps you should quote us when you're addressing something that way so we can better know what/who you're referring to. Chris, we are not your enemy...loss is. I understand your anger, but we are not the cause of it. We have all been there! Your insinuation that perhaps none of us had loved like you and Paula had was, while understandable, off base.

Good analogy!

Mary, thank you for sharing those links. The dog myths kind of rate in there with Spock's child care ideas. (holding a child spoils them, etc) I have a friend who is a dog trainer in "positive command" and he would never advocate negative punishment, or anything hurtful or harmful to the dog. I have learned so much from him and any time I have a question, I turn to him, personally I think he understands dog behavior better than most vets do. Karen, I'm so sorry about your dog, that's really hard. I'm glad another dog found you so you can share your life with him now. I looked at the FB link but am not sure what I'm looking for.

Beautiful, Anne.

DML, not knowing him, I have no idea. Pollara, I think I know you well enough by now to know you are not trying to change him, you know that that is not within your power, but as a friend, you are trying to tell him what is for his own good...that is the same as I do with any friend of mine...it's up to them to take it or leave it, but I think, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't tell them what I thought they needed to hear? I would want any true friend to do the same for me. Anyone who gives someone Prozac, or anyone who takes it, without being under a doctor's care for it, is an idiot, point blank. It is NOT to be administered or stopped without a doctor's care and guidance. It's heavy duty stuff and it messes with your brain. If what he has is normal grief going on and not a chemical imbalance, he's just going to mess himself up worse. Like you said, he undoubtedly is looking for an easy way to feel better without having to do the grief work. I don't think there's much more you can do for him. Pollara, interestingly enough, I'm not knowing what to make of Jim right now...he sent me a link to the Sistar song, "Crying". I asked him if he has someone in mind with it and he said lots of people, and I asked who and he named some names I hadn't heard of, then he said he was just teasing me, he made them up, and he said I'm on the list but Dietta isn't (his ex wife). Here's the words: My days without you I can’t focus on anything Never, no more Even if I regret, everything is over I don’t even have the confidence to turn things around You slightly come to me and slightly shake me up again Oh no oh no, stop holding onto my heart Only looking at you and crying seems so foolish of me Oh no oh no, this is not love Love – I pretend that I’m fine, that I don’t love you even though I do I can’t express it, crying, crying Love – I try to turn things around but you’re already gone I’m endlessly crying, crying I open my eyes and after coming to my senses, you’re not here I rub my eyes and look around but you’re not here I close my eyes again and open them but you’re still not here I thought I’d be fine without someone like you but I keep looking back at the memories of our give and take Tears and memories spill out as if I’m vomiting Everything is over I’ll stop for you & me You slightly come to me and slightly shake me up again Oh no oh no, stop holding onto my heart Only looking at you and crying seems so foolish of me Oh no oh no, this is not love Love – I pretend that I’m fine, that I don’t love you even though I do I can’t express it, crying, crying No, I’m not the me that I used to know I know this is just a phase But each time I breathe, I hate you I can’t sleep all night and I try to comfort myself, saying it’s alright But I can’t help it, I can’t turn things back, I only have regrets that are too late So don’t cry Love – you were different, you changed me Now I think I know everything No matter how much I push and shove you away You are my everything that can’t leave me I wanna go back I couldn’t love anyone but you I didn't know what to say. I would need communications, explanation, resolution, demonstration. I realize he's Asperger's and communication is difficult for him but...

I just got through walking Arlie down to see the horses...Ashley likes me to stroke under her chin, she pushes forward and lifts up her head for me to do so, it's really cute. She seems very interested in Arlie, I'm sure he must strike the horses as a very strange creature since he acts weird around them. I'm so glad you headache is gone, Mary! I hope your walk helps your back, and since you have Bentley to walk instead of Arlie, I'm sure it will be of benefit. I'm not a very good dog trainer, I'm afraid, Arlie sometimes thinks he's the alpha. Funny enough, when I'm injured, he seems to know and is extra good, like when I walked him left handed when my right arm was broken. It's another beautiful day...we've been having weather in the upper 80s for about a month now, it's only rained once, and it's supposed to rain Tues. night, we'll see, it may be when I'm asleep. Had a plumbing problem yesterday, water pipe to toilet leaking...quite a bit. I fiddled and fiddled with it, at first it seemed worse, then it finally stopped. I kept waking in the night and checking on it, but the floor is still dry, I just checked. The neighbor used it and tweaked the pipe (he's quite heavy), and I was really hoping to NOT have to call a plumber. So many things need fixed around here that I'm trying to figure out what to do first. And with my job/pay being so uncertain, I hate to spend anything right now unless I have to. So...waiting and seeing.

I am not interested in debate. I asked you to consider how this would impact your children and if you'd fully discussed it with them. Your response is that you don't really care what your children think. I don't care what you or I think religiously, what if we're wrong and what if you're damning yourself to hell for eternity while Paula exists in heaven? By the time you find out the answer to that, it will be too late...that is not a risk I would consider taking. Eternity is a very long time...no end. You will think what you will think and embark on whatever you decide upon and none of us can change your mind. I wanted to give you some thoughts to ponder before making such an irretrievable move, but you seem bent on what you want, without regard to how it will affect your children or grandchildren. Do you remember "It's a Wonderful Life"...it is true for each of us, that if any one of us is removed before our time, it will affect those we love and so many more, we can't even possibly know how many and to what extent, but it is great. You didn't answer what I pointed out about your grandson, but it seems not to matter to you. Marty gave you some excellent links to read, I hope you will read them. What all of us have tried to tell you is you need to give it time and see it through. No one loves anyone any more than George and I love each other...people used to stare at us because our love was so apparent, and that will never change even if I can't reach him or talk to him, he is in my memory and in my heart. But I'm hanging in there until the day the good Lord decides it's time that we can be together again. And my kids spend less time with me than yours do with you, but I understand that they have jobs, schooling, chores, spouses...that does not mean I don't matter to them or that they don't love me...nor does it mean they would not be greatly affected for the rest of their lives if I were to commit suicide. I would not do that to them, I love them more than that. I can't believe, as a mother, that Paula doesn't care about her children either.

Oh Mary, a headache AND a backache? I'm so sorry! Keep meditating, candles, soft music, Bentley by your side. And don't forget Anne's remedy of chocolate. (Actually, not if it's a migraine) Will say a prayer for you!

Chris, I strongly urge you to get professional help. If you won't do it for yourself, please do it for your family. Your family is trying to be there for you but people have to work and do chores, you know? Your loss is no greater or lesser than any of our losses, and I know many of us felt that urge in the beginning...but we didn't act upon it. I will say this: Suicide is the most selfish act anyone can make. It hurts families beyond belief. They face the compounded grief of not just losing the one parent, but now the remaining one. They feel tremendous guilt, the what ifs, and it's unfair. I can't believe Paula would want you to do that! She loved her kids and grandkids too! Have you thought of how it would affect your grandson when he's deployed? How would he do his job? It could make life and death difference to his focus! I don't think you are thinking clearly, most grievers cannot think clearly the first year at least! I could not. But I knew this, I did not want to hurt my kids, my sisters, even my crazy mom. And what if, just what if you faced eternity separated from Paula because of it? That's not my belief, but it's plenty of people's, and what if my belief is wrong and theirs is right? That isn't a risk I was willing to take. You have plenty to lose and who is to say it will release you from pain? How can you say with absolute certainty what would happen as a result of that choice? Don't your kids deserve to have you talk it over with them before making such an irreversible decision/act? We have had some people here that have lost their spouses to suicide, I can't begin to tell you the hell it put them through. Do you think so little of your family that you could do that to them? Whatever we do, it doesn't just affect us. How would Paula feel about that? You can call it anything you want, suicide by any other name is still suicide.

I have not experienced this, but I wonder, have you brought this up to him and just come out and asked him about it? Personally, I think I'd focus on trying to get a place of my own to live in so I wasn't continually slapped with this attitude. Have you explored every avenue?

Ahh, in reading further posts, I see that Mary mentioned that.

I add to your list of reasons to pray two more: To listen. To commune with God, for He is a being, a real live breathing being who longs to have relationship with us.

Chris, With your getting your affairs in order and talking about not having a reason to live one minute longer than necessary without your Paula, I worry you are contemplating suicide. It seems you stop just short of mentioning it aloud. But it's coming through between the lines, loud and clear. Trust me when I tell you that would be a big mistake...and an undo-able one at that. You act like there is no one there for you and that is just not true! Your kids and grandkids have been there for you as much as they are able. You tell us when they come over and how nice it is. But of course they can't be there every day, every moment. some of the time belongs to you to learn how to do with it as you will. And you need help with that. That help is found in a grief counselor. We have all told you, repeatedly, to the point where we worry we're nagging you, but it's true, until you make that call, set an appointment, there is nothing that anyone can do for you. YOU need to do this for you! They are trained to lend help and a roadmap so to speak to the grieving, and they will be happy to do so, but they aren't going to come to you, they don't know about you...it's up to you to come to them. Please call and make an appt. Monday! Please promise us you will! At least take that step! You do have family that cares about you. And I know you have at least one friend you can talk to, because you've told us about him. Call him when you need to. People's lives get busy with work, chores, house repairs, and their families. Our lives used to be filled with the same. Now we find ourselves alone and we notice the empty void that used to be filled...but it's up to us to do the grief work, to make the effort, to get out of ourselves, out of our house, and make contact with others. I lost my friends the day George died. I could have lamented over it for the next eight years, but the onus is on me to make new contacts, new friends, new activities, no one would do it for me. Some of the friendship I made worked out, some fell by the way, but I can't stop trying, it's up to me to keep going. I know you have the added complications of your disability, but we can never let that stop us. Many here are in the same boat...the physical infirmities may differ, but they exist, and they are hurdles to get through, not stop signs to let us quit. It is to be expected that you will have so much emotion to work through. You say you've lost respect for yourself...I say that's an inappropriate response. You have way too high expectation for yourself! It's unreasonable! If it were you that died and Paula that lived, would you place that expectation on her? No! You would be understanding of her. Why is it you can't give yourself the same understanding and be gentle and caring of yourself?! Please get some help. I'm sorry if I'm coming across rather strong, but honestly, Chris, I think you need it...you don't take gentle prods and suggestions, you ignore and procrastinate what you know to be true and right. We care about you, we've lived this grief, we do understand, and we want what is best for you. Do you believe that? Do you think you are the only one who has experienced profound grief? Do you think somehow that you alone cannot survive this devastating blow to your life? Because I'm here to tell you that each of us have, and we have felt just as you have felt. I am afraid that when you say "another step closer to my Paula" you are referring to your own impending death. Please tell me I am wrong.

Jan, I understand what they are saying, because they are no longer in our every day lives, they aren't talking to us, sleeping next to us, or fixing the roof. But as long as we remember them, and believe me, we do!...they continue to coexist with us. There is not a day goes by but what we remember. George will always be the love of my life and nothing can change that, neither death, nor lack of physical domain, nor time can take that away.

What do you mean by "another step closer to my Paula"?

Nope, no wonder. Your problem is opposite of mine then, but I can't have Aloe, allergic to it. I know oatmeal is good no matter which way your problem gravitates. (((hugs)))

Those skid socks are great, my daughter buys me them.

I don't agree with the post you linked here, I had "the one"...he died. But there was no doubt in either of our minds.

When Jim broke up with me, I came home and got rid of every trace of him...I packed up anything he had at my house and dropped it off at his house with his roommate the next morning and left immediately. Anything he'd given me that I didn't want to give back to him, not wanting to slap him in the face with it, I put away where I wouldn't have to be confronted with the reminders. Still, there were the places we used to go, the activities that reminded me of him, etc. It can haunt you for a long time.

Connie, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now, but glad you occasionally have your daughter there for you. You will never stop missing m8issing your husband, but you will grow more accustomed to these changes...it does take time and we've all discovered here, grief is a lot of work but if we put in the effort, it really does help. As was already said...one day at a time. When we go through something difficult such as a surgery or job loss, it makes our grief/loss seem all the more acute as the person who always helped and comforted us in life is not there to do so now, and we keenly feel it To the rest of you, Wow! Arrest me and everything?! I did not read all of these responses until I got back as I had not the time earlier. But a word of explanation...my sister Donna's life was turned upsidedown when she was 25 and had her accident. Her three year old son was killed and her four month old baby was taken from her and adopted by our parents, as she could no longer take care of him...she became quadriplegic and had severely damaged vocal chords so she can't communicate with people. It's very hard to understand her speech. Once a month we take her out (she's now 70) and she so looks forward to that. Once a month she gets to go out to eat and run her errands and get some love and attention...and that keeps her going. And now my sister Peggy no longer drives, she falls easily, and has to use a walker. She has an overbearing husband that none of us would choose to live with and this once a month, when I pick her up and drive her to town to meet the other sisters, it is her respite from the world. If I did not go, I would be letting them all down. And they are my mainstay, they have always been there for me...when my mom was abusive, when life was hell growing up, it was my sisters who were there for me. When a husband turned out to be a monster, it was my sisters who saw me through the difficult times and were my support. I cannot let them down, it is my turn to be there for them. They are aging, and all I know is, throughout our lives, it has always been us, together, making it. No matter what our differences, our choices, our opinions, our politics, our religion, we are still close. And I will always push myself for them...it is, after all, once a month. Anyway, I made it through the day and don't have any plans for tomorrow other than a few household chores, and perhaps lunch with a friend Sat. or Sun. My life really is very simple. I could not keep up with any of your pace! I just survived a hellish week at work and hopefully next week won't be a repeat. I am thankful I am only working four days a week, not five. I think I needed the "slow down".