JJ660 Posted September 23, 2016 Report Share Posted September 23, 2016 It's been a while since I've posted, but I need some neutral advice. It's now 5 months from my BF's suicide, and I'm still feeling like my future is so uncertain. I am still waiting on some legal matters to be completed so I can apply for SS and military benefits for my daughter. I just returned to work from maternity leave, so my bank account is slowly climbing again, but the expenses are still coming. My lease is up in November, but I don't know what I'm going to do without the benefits. I can't apply for places in case I can't afford them or be able to commit. I'm guessing I may have to put my items in storage and stay with someone? My inlaws live over 3 hours away, and I don't talk to my parents. I keep feeling overwhelmed about the baby, and whether I am going to be able to handle being a parent. She's a good baby, but I just feel so stuck, and it's even more difficult with family so far away. I have lots of friends, but I don't want them to feel obligated or like I'm pawning the baby off on them, so I'm usually hesitant to ask for help. I feel like I'm the last to know about family events and happenings lately. They had bought tickets for an event, but the type they bought were unavailable when they eventually asked me to go. I was also especially hurt because my daughter was not in the family photos at a major event. Maybe I'm overreacting here, but things like that irk me. She's the last piece of him left. I really wish I could have a week to grieve and just be by myself. No phone, no baby, and no responsibility. I come home from work, and don't feel like dealing with the baby. I've considered giving her to his family if I am still feeling this way several months from now. I'm not sure if I can handle this whole parenting and grieving thing, but I do feel like I would miss her to a certain extent if I did choose that option. I also fear some of my family members wouldn't speak to me if I went that route. I just don't know what to do. Any constructive advice is welcome. Thanks for hearing me out. I needed a safe place to vent tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 23, 2016 Report Share Posted September 23, 2016 I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss though I did not loose my husband to suicide I came close to it he attempted many times and I remember how it made me feel and it was very painful, I am sorry that your family is not there for you grief is such a hard journey, I don't have babies my kids are older but they are truly one of my reasons to face each day, our grief is our own personal journey and we all must find our way in our own time at our own pace, I would say take it one moment at a time, maybe his parents could take her for a little while so you could have some time to grieve, no that you are not alone we are here for you hugs Robin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 23, 2016 Report Share Posted September 23, 2016 I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and overwhelmed. Have you considered getting a roommate to share in expenses? It might be nice if you had one that also had a child and you could trade off babysitting. I would tell my parents how I felt about the baby being left out of the picture...it could be they just didn't think, but if you don't communicate it to them they won't know you're upset about it. Some people weren't born natural parents or grandparents and it sounds like that might be the case. It doesn't mean they can't become that, but sometimes they need things pointed out to them, some gentle training, so to speak. I'm sorry you weren't thought of on their holiday. Maybe talk to them about feeling ostracized and needing family unit, a little support would go a long ways. I wish your inlaws were closer. Is there any possibility of relocating closer to them? Would they consider letting you stay there until getting a new job in that area? Your family members shouldn't judge your actions esp. since they aren't helping out. Giving her up is a permanent decision with lasting consequences, so not to be considered lightly, but then you know that, however, it doesn't mean it isn't worth consideration. You have to listen to your heart. If you don't feel ready to raise this child on your own and fear it isn't likely to change or get better with time, it might be the best option for you. No one can tell you what to do, that's something only you can decide for yourself. I do think it'd be very worthwhile to see a counselor and voice all your concerns. You are grieving, caring for a baby, and are feeling overwhelmed, so many major decisions weighing in on you. My heart goes out to you. It's very hard. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted September 24, 2016 Report Share Posted September 24, 2016 Dear JJ, There are resources out there to help you financially -- especially for widows with young children. http://www.widowshope.org/resources/financial-resources/ Your choices for your daughter are very difficult ones, I know you want the best for her, and your grief is overwhelming at the same time. Have you considered therapy to have someone not in the family dynamic and with the tools to help you work and talk through these incredibly hard decisions? Sending healing energy, Patty 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 I'm thinking of you and the struggles you are having. I can tell you that feeling overwhelmed and depressed is not unusual considering the load you are carrying. To have a week to yourself is not a bad idea, I wish I could help you with that. I am praying for some inner direction for you and some easing of all the struggles. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ660 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2016 Thank you @rdownes @kayc A roommate might not be a bad idea, though it would have to be someone I know very well. I am not comfortable living with a stranger or acquaintance, since I have an infant. I have a very good job in my city, and the city my in-laws reside in doesn't have the type of industry. I think the closest is 50-75 miles away? It would be incredibly difficult giving up my awesome career here. I am going to be seeing them this weekend, so I will do my best to be transparent about my feelings. I can't keep pretending things are okay when they're not. The same people involved with the wedding photo snafu had a celebration this weekend. Neither me nor my daughter were invited. It hurt because once again, we were excluded when I've done nothing but be kind. I'd really like my daughter to be familiar with her dad's side of the family, especially because I never had that opportunity when I was a child. I've even had friends say they were surprised the in-laws rarely post pictures of the baby, but in my FILs opinion, the baby was my boyfriend's tipping point. (I disagree!) Yes, she was unplanned and we were not married yet, but I loved that man, and he seemed to be okay with it. I'm definitely interested in a counselor for advice on this topic. I need to make some serious decisions. Thank you for that information @Patty65! I'm going to look into those resources until I receive the court order. I appreciate that, @Widowedbysuicide. I took the first step by deleting social media. I had no clue such a heavy weight would be lifted from my shoulders when I deleted it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 25, 2016 Report Share Posted October 25, 2016 Dear JJ, My heart goes out to you dear! I hope you find some one to help you, direct you... I can't imagine the burden you have, loss of significant other, the guilt and grief left with a suicide and a young child to attend to all by yourself. I am so very sorry. Be honest with yourself and patient too... Yours is not an easy decision. love and prayers, Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 25, 2016 Report Share Posted October 25, 2016 My approach would be to be direct...I would talk to them and tell them how excluded it makes you feel and how you want your baby growing up knowing all of the relatives. Maybe they're not thinking straight or have some preconceived notions that are off. It can't hurt, anyway. My heart goes out to you, I know this has to feel overwhelming and it's hard to know what to do. I pray the answer comes to you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 28, 2016 Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 JJ, thinking of you and hope you are doing good today. hugs and prayers for peace, Marie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 28, 2016 Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 Hello JJ.........heavy burdens you are carrying! If your friends are good ones.....don't remain silent.....LET them know how overburdened and overwhelmed you are feeling! I would want any friend of mine to let me know if she were going through something like this......even if I could not directly help, at least I could listen, and give her someone to vent to.....and, if I COULD help, how could I, if I did not know how things were for her? In addition to your grief over his passing....you could also be having postpartum depression added in.....I had this w/my firstborn.....it CAN last for many months, untreated....and there IS help available. I too, hope you will seek out counseling, it could be a great source of help for you, and a good counselor could help you think through such major decisions as moving or relinquishing your daughter, if these would be the best decisions you could make at this time, for YOU....it seems you have minimal support from either his, or your, families.....so sad. You have SO much on your plate right now, I so hope you will find some respite from the worry, and a measure of peace, asap. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted October 29, 2016 Report Share Posted October 29, 2016 I too wish I could do more to help you. If you have friends that you can call and let them know you need some tlc you might get some great help. A sitter for the evening or maybe overnight would give you a well deserved break. Going through the loss that you have isn't easy in the best of circumstances, if you can get some support in any way I hope you will take it. It has been nearly 10 months since my husband's suicide. Although I am older than you, and my child is 29 (but lives with me) I know I would appreciate some me time. The other thing is having someone you can call to get help with household or car type stuff. My confidence has taken a real dive and I don't trust my judgement on a lot of things: I would be so greatful to have someone I could trust to advise me on things. I am isolated because my husband and I were the helpers, both of us too stubborn to ask for help but always there to help others. That was a big mistake. I don't have any family support here either. It is tough to keep trying to move forward when we are so alone. If you can see the mistakes I have made and can ask for help I'm sure you will get some assistance. As WolfsKat said, other people are not mind readers, and if they haven't walked this walk they don't know what questions to ask in order to help you. I too wish you will find some relief and peace. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ660 Posted November 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 Thank you @Marie Lee @WolfsKatI will be the first to admit I am terrible about asking for help. I'm so used to doing things myself and being my sole provider that sometimes I tough it out at my own expense. I'm going to be visiting family this week, and I'm going to talk to them about what to do. Most of my friends have been helpful, but I also have a few who don't like to talk about his death and like to pretend everything is okay. I am indeed battling postpartum depression. Some days are better than others. My in-laws are 3+ hours away, so I can't just drop her off with them on a whim. They're also having maritial issues because of his death, which makes interactions tense. Fortunately, they are going to take her one weekend this month, which will help a lot. Maybe she will bring them together again? I just wish they were closer. @Widowedbysuicide You sound a lot like me. I'm hoping I can go get a massage and spend time with friends while my in-laws take the baby for the weekend. I haven't told them how I'm feeling because of their existing maritial issues and their reluctance to talk about his death. I'm afraid admitting my thoughts will make things worse for them, so I think I will tell my family first. I also talked to a widow friend who may need a roommate in a month. I'm hoping she picks us until I get back on my feet financially. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted November 2, 2016 Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 @JJ660 It sounds as if you have indeed, taken some very good steps to help ease your situation! I hope that when you do speak to your family, that they will be supportive and perhaps offer some good advice....listen, but make certain that any final decisions are yours alone....and do not make them in haste, carefully weigh your options. The weekend "off" from parenting should be a great help to you....all mothers, especially those with infants, need a break now and again! Perhaps your in-laws would be willing to do a weekend a month on a regular basis? That might be beneficial for both you, baby and them.....you get a break, they get to have time with their grandbaby, and she gets to know them, as well. Perhaps just knowing you have that "baby-free" time coming will keep you more relaxed. I also hope that your living situation will improve, and that your widow friend may indeed chose you as a roommate, at least until you are on more settled ground, financially. Keeping you in prayers.....please let us know how you are doing! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 2, 2016 Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 JJ, I so hope it helps bring them together again. I often think about how much my George would have loved our granddaughter, plus the ones he is missing out on from his own kids, several states away! I hope it bonds them together, they have been through so much together, I'd hate to see them lose their marriage due to the death of their son. I'm glad you'll get a little break this weekend. Raising kids takes a lot and it does help to get those breaks! I hope you enjoy your weekend. I so hope being a roommate works out for you!! Keeping you in my prayers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 4, 2016 Report Share Posted November 4, 2016 JJ, You're quite welcome. Glad you are seeking out family and getting help with your childcare. sooo... Last night and today : I joined some of my husbands old buddies for a couple of drinks last night...they used to meet regularly on Thurs. night.. I kept looking at the empty chair beside me, as that is where he would normally be, when I joined them... It was very good to see them...and it hurt some too...On the ride home, I thought about the many times we drove home together..sometimes on his Harley and sometimes not. Of course it was tear filled ride home. I tried to watch Breakfast at Tiffanys today ...but ended up feeling the need to get out of the house and drove to our beautiful river in our Fl town...Moon River played over and over in mind...missing my " huckleberry frd" on this next leg of my journey... it was a beautiful day on the river though..peaceful. Sunny skies..blue ....that always helps. When I try to talk to others about Kev, it seems they become uncomfortable ..and say maybe I need grief counseling... I think to myself ; After 30 yrs, I think I would be a very cold person not to have my mind and heart filled with memories of my lost love... So, I come home to chill before I pick up my grandson from school..and share with you all my thoughts today. I spoke to the gentlemen who has done our taxes the past few years...it's always emotional to talk to someone who knew us both when they are just finding out about Kev passing...I wanted to see if I needed to be aware of anything regarding taxes this year due to the loss of Kev. I am sure that added to my melancholy day... I am getting frustrated with the insurance companies as I need to consult with a neuro surgeon about my lumbar MRI...I gather this normally how insurance runs in these situations..sigh...It's not like I asked for this back issue...grumble grumble... Been trying to keep myself busy and away from the cyber world some and it has helped. Not all memories are sad, may good memories bring all some warmth to your heart ..as we all grieve. Cheers, Marie Thanks for listening..:-) 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 4, 2016 Report Share Posted November 4, 2016 Here is a pic I took today at the river. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted November 4, 2016 Report Share Posted November 4, 2016 4 hours ago, Marie Lee said: Here is a pic I took today at the river. Gorgeous day, yes.....I'm in Florida, too! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 5, 2016 Report Share Posted November 5, 2016 Marie, Beautiful picture! And you're able to claim him on his taxes the year he died in, I hope they let you know that. I learned that here, might not have realized it otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 6, 2016 Report Share Posted November 6, 2016 Thanks Kay... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ660 Posted November 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 Thank you all so much. I thought I'd update since it has been a while... The roommate situation didn't work out because the room was WAY too small for the two of us. However, my current roommate is fine with me moving out (with proper notice) when I receive the benefits. If the timelines work, my widow friend said we could even find a bigger place. So it appears I have some decent options! I'm incredibly thankful my roommate has been so understanding. As far as the family invitations, they have been much better about inviting us. My brother in law has even opened up to me about D's death, which he previously wouldn't do. I'm hoping I can encourage him to come to one of the SOSL meetings with me, because I think he'd really benefit from it. Beautiful picture, Marie. Thank you for sharing that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 JJ, I'm so glad to hear it! Thank you for the update, I hope you'll continue to keep us posted. I'm glad options are starting to look better for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 Thanks for sharing your good news. I'm truly happy that you are able to be doing what you are. You are brave and smart. I wish you continued good connections with D's family and some happiness in your life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 Hi JJ, You're quite welcome :-). How are things going? Sorry it's been a while...I took some time off the electronicd grid .. Hugs, Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ660 Posted December 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 @Marie Lee I'm happy to say I finally have my court date next week. It will be so nice to have all the legal red tape out of the way, and to receive the financial help with the benefits. I'm also looking forward to moving to our own place! How have you been? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 5, 2016 Report Share Posted December 5, 2016 JJ so nice to hear! I am ok. The upcoming Holidays get to me sometimes... have a good one and thanks for asking :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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