I feel so alone...

[AB3]

My fiance passed away 2 weeks ago and I'm having such a hard time continuing on without him. We have been together for 6 years and most of the time he has struggled with heart problems after a heart transplant back in 2009. For awhile everything seemed blissful. We lived our lives together without a worry for almost 3 years. However, August of this year he began getting sick and we found out he had been suffering a rare form of rejection of the heart in which there was no formal treatment. After two test treatments and several hospital stays he seemed to be getting better. We haven't been able to spend much time together because of issues that split us into two separate households and in recent months he suffered a foot injury which left him house bound.

I feel so guilty because I wasn't able to be with him or see how sick he was getting. I had been focused on getting my life together and working towards bettering myself in hopes of getting us where we wanted to be at in life. The guilt I feel is so strong because If I only knew how sick he was....how much pain he was really in maybe I could have saved him. 

I feel like I have no purpose without him. He was everything to me, I invested so much of myself in him and our relationship that I don't know who I am without him. Where do I go from here. How can I live without him?

[rdownes]

AB3  I feel your pain it is so hard losing someone we we so close to who was our world, I lost my husband of 26 years to drug addiction, you should not blame yourself in any way you had no control over it being his time to leave this world trust me I know how you feel I blamed myself for so long so many would a, could a , should a that now mean nothing because he is gone and it hurts, I can not tell you how to keep going someday I am not sure how I still keep going at seven months, I can say I try to remember his love and it gives me strength I know he wouldn't want me with him, this site has helped me very much it helps knowing that other people know and understand what you are going through and it's nice to know you are not crazy when you feel like your losing it take it slow, baby steps, one day one breath at a time if need be, try not to be hard on yourself it was out of your control, we are all in this world we did not ask for now trying to find our way hoping to find some sense of peace one day my heart goes out to you post whenever you feel the need it truly helps I am welcoming you with open arms but am so sorry for what brings you here hugs. Robin

[AB3]

1 hour ago, rdownes said:

AB3  I feel your pain it is so hard losing someone we we so close to who was our world, I lost my husband of 26 years to drug addiction, you should not blame yourself in any way you had no control over it being his time to leave this world trust me I know how you feel I blamed myself for so long so many would a, could a , should a that now mean nothing because he is gone and it hurts, I can not tell you how to keep going someday I am not sure how I still keep going at seven months, I can say I try to remember his love and it gives me strength I know he wouldn't want me with him, this site has helped me very much it helps knowing that other people know and understand what you are going through and it's nice to know you are not crazy when you feel like your losing it take it slow, baby steps, one day one breath at a time if need be, try not to be hard on yourself it was out of your control, we are all in this world we did not ask for now trying to find our way hoping to find some sense of peace one day my heart goes out to you post whenever you feel the need it truly helps I am welcoming you with open arms but am so sorry for what brings you here hugs. Robin

Thank you so much and I'm sorry that you have to endure this pain as well. 

[Marie Lee]

Hi AB3... Very sorry for your loss and the pain that comes with it.

Try to be kind and gentle to yourself.

Everyone here on this site is amazing...

It appears that grief has many different experiences for everyone but the common journey appears to be an up and down battle...that can be long...and lonely..

Take care.

Hugs, Marie

[Guest]

AB3 I hurt for you. I so strongly know and feel what you are going through. I could make this one of my long ones, but this is about you. Not me. Try to take comfort in the fact that many of us have and are still experiencing what you are going through. That isn't meant to downplay what you are feeling. I hope it comforts you in some way to know that you will survive all the pain and loneliness you are going through and feeling now. It's painful and its awful, and you will most likely find yourself thinking about how unfair it is to have to go through it, I guess it's a price we have to pay for being able to feel, give and receive love. You have a good heart and soul or you wouldn't be feeling what you're feeling now. Allow yourself the time you need to get through it to the other side. There's no need to rush or force anything. You will heal better if you don't. Godspeed in your journey through this.

Darrel

[kayc]

AB3,

It's common to feel guilt following loss...we rehash everything over and over, wanting to find a different ending, one we can control, only it's not there.  The truth is, it's not likely to have had a different outcome no matter how much we wish it so.  We look for answers and hear nothing in return.  It's a hard existence, this beginning of our grief journey.  The whole thing is such a process, it goes on and on but it doesn't stay the same.  In the beginning, the pain was so intense, I did not see how I could live without my George, I didn't want to, I didn't see it possible.  I've learned to adjust little by little, and have somehow survived the eleven years since.  I talk to him, no one has hauled me off yet.  There is always still that distinct possibility.  I've learned to cope, but I continue missing him.  I've learned to coexist with my grief.  There are times it flares up so hard, like when I had surgery and came home alone, no one to take care of me or care if I survived...that was hard.  Or when I lost my job, no husband's income to help defray the loss, no one to tell me I'll clinch it in this interview.  Sometimes it's just the mundane things that are hard...no one to leave the garage light on for me.  No one to pick me up when my car breaks down.  No one to appreciate the meal I've just made.  And of course the holidays...this was my first Christmas all alone.  A far cry from the ones spent with him.  Those days are gone, but my memories are intact.  I remember his voice, his smell, how it felt when he held me.  Sometimes it feels like my life with him was all just a dream, then I go look up his birth certificate, our marriage certificate...his death certificate.  No, he really was here.  He really did love me.  He STILL loves me, nothing, not even death could end that!  Wherever he is, our love continues to exist...and we both await our reunion day, that day he can hold me once again and never let go.

[brat#2]

19 minutes ago, kayc said:

Sometimes it's just the mundane things that are hard...no one to leave the garage light on for me.  No one to pick me up when my car breaks down.  No one to appreciate the meal I've just made.  And of course the holidays...this was my first Christmas all alone.  A far cry from the ones spent with him.  Those days are gone, but my memories are intact.  I remember his voice, his smell, how it felt when he held me.  Sometimes it feels like my life with him was all just a dream, then I go look up his birth certificate, our marriage certificate...his death certificate.  No, he really was here.  He really did love me.  He STILL loves me, nothing, not even death could end that!  Wherever he is, our love continues to exist...and we both await our reunion day, that day he can hold me once again and never let go.

Oh so true, Kay

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

18 hours ago, AB3 said:

I feel so guilty because I wasn't able to be with him or see how sick he was getting. I had been focused on getting my life together and working towards bettering myself in hopes of getting us where we wanted to be at in life. The guilt I feel is so strong because If I only knew how sick he was....how much pain he was really in maybe I could have saved him. 

I feel like I have no purpose without him. He was everything to me, I invested so much of myself in him and our relationship that I don't know who I am without him. Where do I go from here. How can I live without him?

AB3,

I lost the love of my life, my darling wife Tammy, on March 6, 2015. Tammy was absolutely my everything and my soul mate. She died less than two days after coming home from a long hospital stay. She was only 45. I understand the devastation you feel. The guilt. The questioning. The what-ifs and if-onlys.

The thing you have to remember is that you loved your man with all your heart. And he loved you. As much as we'd like to think we can control things, death seems to have a mind of it's own. In other words, I know you feel guilty that you weren't able to "save him" at the end but even if you were with him 24/7, that doesn't mean you could have saved him. It's hard to accept but life is so very fragile and unpredictable.

This early in your grief journey, you're bound to feel like life is meaningless and that you have no purpose. That you've lost your anchor.  I felt that way for a long, long time. Some days, I still do. Grieving a soul mate is a one day at a time life. And for you, this early in your loss, it's moment by moment.

For now (and I know it's hard) try to get your rest and eat well. Surround yourself with understanding, compassionate people if you can. Post here as you need to and read our stories of loss and pain and comfort and hope.

My heart goes out to you.

Mitch

 

[Guest]

brat#2, your comment about leaving the garage light on, etc. made me laugh at myself a little. My first year will end on Jan. 1st, and I still catch myself making sure to put the toilet seat back down. And then I get that little lump in my throat when I realize that there's no need to do it anymore. It's somehow all part of the healing process.