aeval Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 It’s been a month and a half since my mother’s death — a month and a half since I held her hand and kissed her forehead as she took her last breath. I knew that she was so important to me. I knew that I loved her deeply. And still it wasn’t until her death that I realized the scope of it. I loved her so much more than I ever knew. I relied on her so much more than I ever knew. The loss just seems to mount everyday that she’s gone.I miss being able to pick up the phone and tell her about my day and listen about hers. I miss being able to share those little trivial things that just aren’t worth mentioning to most people, but mom would still want to hear them. And I don’t just miss her — I miss being unconditionally loved. I took that for granted. There’s nothing that would have changed her love for me. I could have been the most horrible person in the world and she would have still been in my corner. Now that’s gone. I’m in my thirties but there’s a part of me that has regressed to a six-year-old who just wants to shout, “I want my mommy!” She used to tell me that I was her best friend and her bright and shining light…I just wish I could throw my arms around her and tell her she’s all that and more to me. She was just 60 and I thought I’d have plenty of chances.I was staying with her because she wasn’t feeling well and needed help getting around. I had gone up to take care of her several times before — there was no reason to think it would be different this time. She started to get better. Then one afternoon we were having a chat — everything was normal — and suddenly she got really sick. Next thing I knew I was on the phone to 911. After that my memories are like a surreal film. Before the night was over she didn’t even know who I was. A mysterious infection had just overwhelmed her body. I saw her everyday while she was unconscious in ICU for two horrible weeks before I had to sign the paper for the machines to be removed. I read the 23rd psalm over her from her christening bible and she died shortly after that. I tried to take care of everything she would have wanted me to take care of. I even went to the funeral home and did her hair and make-up for the viewing. And yet I still feel like I didn’t do enough. I have dreams where I’m going through it all over again — trying to find a way to save her, to do better by her. I’m sorry this is such a long and rambling post but I’m really feeling the pain right now. Thank you for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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