DaveM Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Hello, I just joined. I have been reading here for a little over a week. My dear one is gone, and I am barely functioning. According to her phone, ours was the last call that went through late Friday, December 16. Because ours was a long distance romance for now, we were dealing with Christmas alone. She was in Texas, a ways north of Houston, and I am in eastern North Carolina. I am 66 and Dana was 59. We had a romance 33 years ago, in 1983 and 1984, and for some stupid reason I took a job a state away. She started her Master's program about the same time, so we focused on what we were doing, rather than what we were together. We gradually quit visiting back and forth, and then quit writing. Long Distance was a considerable cost back then, so regular phone calls were not an option. We both went on to meet and marry another, and we both had two boys. Somehow we briefly reconnected in the fall of 1999, exchanging emails for about a week, long enough to get through a few "Do you remember..." questions, and long enough for me to learn her new last name. Then I lost my youngest, my 10-year-old son. I withdrew from life for ages. We obviously lost touch again. My marriage became a relationship of shared grief, but little else. We may as well have been siblings anymore. We separated in 2013 and went through a terribly nasty divorce fight in 2014-2015. Dana's situation was similar. She spent years fighting through childhood cancer in her older son. Fortunately he survived, but her marriage did not. She also went through a divorce through 2014-2015. When it was over she moved from the Northeast to Texas, to be near her life-long best friend. In May 2016 I stopped in a sandwich shop on the way home from work, and the young lady who waited on me reminded me of Dana. I decided to look her up, and see how she was doing. We connected through Linked In, started exchanging emails first, then phone calls, and finally a visit in June. Everything was new again, and we were in love all over again. It was amazingly perfect. Except we both had lingering complications from our divorces to be worked through. So we were going to have to deal with long distance again. But now we could and did talk every day. Although I visited her the first week of November for her birthday, Thanksgiving was very hard on her. The first holiday like that without being with her children. As Christmas approached, she was facing the same. The boys were too far away, and in their early 20's too caught up in their own lives to come to Texas. Just a fact. We young males are clueless until we approach 30. I asked her to come to NC for Christmas, but she told me she needed to face this on her own and privately, and I agreed to let her initiate the phone calls in December. She called on the first, 8th and 16th. All were good calls, but she was still very depressed and still wanted her time to herself. Our call on the 16th lasted 2 and a half hours. The week of the 20th I broke and called most every day. Texted several times, with no response. Sent a message on Christmas Eve that she was in my heart, to be strong. During that week a local friend went by the house on the 22nd, and noticed a package on the front porch from me, delivered that day. She put it up on a bench, along with a package she picked up, and went on her way. She came back on the 28th and the packages were still there, so she called the police and had them break in. They found Dana. Apparently she went to sleep and never awoke. But it had been so long they could not estimate the actual day of her death. It could have been any time after our call of the 16th, as that was the last call that was placed on her phone. Her friend called me as soon as she could. I have been lost since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Dear Dave, Oh my....How very sad....I am so sorry for her and for you... I hope it gives a measure of comfort knowing y'all reconnected and found loving feelings still there. I can't imagine how hard not knowing her date of death must be...what her last days, moments were... I pray for Peace and love for you at this time. Welcome to our forum...it's a sad reality that draws us together .. there is much love here. Perhaps a reminder for me to extend the same kind of unselfish love and acceptance to the people left in my life to share my journey...as we never really know when it will end for any of us. Hugs, Marie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 14, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Thanks Marie, The death certificate will show December 28, the day she was found, as that is the way they handle the unknown in Texas. At least that what the folks down there tell me. But she could have been gone 11 or 12 days. You are absolutely right, the idea of the last moments haunts me. The investigating officer says she did not display any signs of distress or clinched hands, so he feels she went peacefully. Some small comfort there. Thanks again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 That is comforting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Dave, So very sorry you lost your Dana after finally reconnecting with her. It is a very hard journey we are all on. We are here to support one another. Gin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Dave, How very sad! How hard to finally reconnect and feel you have "we" time at last...only to lose her like that. Life can be so blasted unfair! I lost my husband suddenly and without warning, and it is a shock to one's soul. My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll find comfort here, keep reading and posting. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted January 15, 2017 Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 Dave, the blessing was you re-connected.........it was short lived, but lived....my condolences...kevin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 15, 2017 Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 Hi Dave, Hope your day is fairly good today. Just thinking of you. We are all playing out the scenes of grief in our lives and hearts.... Missing our other half ..living on different planes.... With much love for everyone as we partake in this lonely dance, Marie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 15, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 Thanks to you all. The pain is relentless and unbelievable. I don't know why sharing it helps, but it does somehow, even when constantly wiping my eyes to type. I was fortunate last night to have some friends from all the way back to Junior High come together and have me over. It was a sort of memorial service without structure. I sat at the kitchen table, and here and there old friends stopped by for hugs and tears. Many of them have health issues that come with this age, but all were there for me. None had met Dana, because we had not had time to take her around. But I had written a small bio and took what few pictures I have of her, and all met her through me. I was exhausted when I got home, but slept well for the first time since she passed. When I get a little better, I hope to give some comfort here as well. Thank you so much. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 15, 2017 Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 DaveM, I hope it helps you in some small way to know that there are many of us here who know what hurting and grieving is all about, and we grieve with you. My sympathies are with you not just because you lost your Dana as such an inopportune time (there is never an opportune time), but for the way it happened. Speaking for myself, I found this group just a day or two before this past xmas. Before then I had endured my grieving process totally alone. I have found it immensely helpful to have the opportunity to bare my soul, talk about what I wanted to and/or needed to and say it how I wanted to or needed to, and not have to worry about whether the people reading my posts could relate to what I was saying and have any understanding about it. Everyone here has "been there, done that". We can hide behind that screen of anonymity as much as we want/need to and still be assured of being among friends that "get it". We all take turns crying on each others shoulders. Somehow, there is some kind of emotional therapy in being able to do that. One foot in front of the other... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveM Posted January 15, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2017 Thank you Darrel, Somehow it does help. You are right about the inability of those who haven't walked this path to 'get it.' Not that any of us would wish this pain on others. But having someone speak to you who knows that suffering intimately and to have them share the burden for a while helps somehow. Dave 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 It does help indeed..glad you had friends that came together for you. Take care, Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 16, 2017 Report Share Posted January 16, 2017 Dave, I'm glad you got to share that remembrance time with your friends and that they were there for you. It's important to have a time to honor them, it helps us process our grief. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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