DaveM

Cookie, I had no idea. It seems to me once a widow or widower, always a widow or widower, unless one remarries, I suppose. The world plays cruel tricks on us sometimes.

Gwen, It is fairly obvious that whosoever wrote or said that probably never intended it for grief. It got hijacked and sent our way. I heard it when my son died, I heard it when Dana died. I could hardly contain myself from responding, and not in a good way. I have not been active lately, but I come in and read pretty much every day. I really feel bad for what you are going through extra these days. Shoot, what everybody is going through. There's no end to it. I guess we just do the best we can. Dave

Gypsy, I am so sorry to hear that. There are dozens here that share that pain, and hundreds who have been here before. I have been here a year but we have some members who have been here many years. We will lend shoulders when you need us. When you can, look through some of the threads here, and read some of the information Marty has provided for us.

Allen and Katie, Words cannot express what I feel right now, but please know your family is in my heart, and the hearts of the rest of us here. Dave

Gwen, All I can say is I am so sorry you have to go through this. When you bring the new boy home, talk to Steve, and ask him to help you pick the right name. I am sure at some point you will think of someone Steve liked or enjoyed playing music with, or someone he and his buds teased from time to time. Maybe even a favorite listener. One of my old bands took the name of a guy who came to every show, only to drink too much and pass out during the first set. His name was Leo, so we named our band Sleepy Leo.

Marg, we made snowcream the whole time I was growing up. Mom never made it with the first several hours of snow. She would clean off the picnic table after 2-3 hours, then make snowcream from what fell next. I only made it 2 or 3 times in all the rest of my life, but what a good memory.

Ana, that is so true. The feeling deep in my chest or in the pit of my stomach feels exactly like fear to me. My adrenaline pumps and I find myself looking from side to side.

Allen, your family is in our prayers, thoughts and wishes.

One thing that I got from losing Dana was a new attitude. There is constant pressure at work for us to do more with fewer people. Our system is Oracle-based, and when we purchased it, Oracle projected and suggested our department should number about 40 based upon the company, business we do, and necessary support. Our company elected to ignore that, and we have about 25 essentially doing the work of 40. And we constantly get hammered because projects are postponed or not completed on time. So my attitude is that I will do what I can, then my time is mine. I was working 50+ hours a week in addition to having an hour commute each way. I have lost all that was dear to me, so there's nothing else they can take away that makes any difference to me. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, and my co-workers are probably the best of anywhere I have ever worked. But I no longer take any crap. My heart goes out to you, Kay, Tom and all who have had similar experiences. Dave

Everyone here is so right. I am glad people are being spared every day, but I die a little inside when I hear details of something similar to Dana's situation going right for someone else. I don't begrudge them, I just don't want to hear about it. Since we never got to the point of being wed, I don't get calls or mail for her. But my heart really aches to hear that the rest of you do. My youngest son has been gone for 18 years, and believe it or not, I still get the occasional 'offer' or 'appeals' for him. And I have moved 3 times since he died.

Kay, that is absolutely spot on. We each had a unique and wondrous relationship that not everyone ever has a chance at. I was divorced twice, but my brief time with Dana was the pinnacle of my life.

Janka, it is beautiful. Thank you.

Janka, The pictures are terrific. I think I passed through Bratislava many years ago (in the 1980's) when I visited Poland with the Friendship Force. We took a train from Kraków or Zakopane through what was then Czechoslovakia to get to Vienna. It was overnight, so we could not view the countryside. It seems that Bratislava was one of the stops. It is a beautiful area. Dave

Bill, she's lovely. My heartfelt wishes to you.

Gwen, I am sorry not to have known it was your birthday. I am not great about birthday and the holiday gift pushes, because growing up there was not a lot of attention to it in my family. We always had a decent Christmas, but birthdays were a cake and a small (I do mean small) present. Thing is, I didn't realize we were 'poor,' because it wasn't whined about, and so the recollections I do have from growing up are pleasant. With TV advertising and the whole 'Hallmark' emphasis on birthdays, holidays and 'special' days, the weight of emotion tied to all that is sometimes overwhelming anyway, so the difference when we are now alone is heart-rending. Dana and I were together such a short time, barely over 6 months, so I don't have to face these 'celebration' days with the same pain as most on here do, but I was with her for her birthday. THAT was hard this time around. THAT tore me to pieces. If I had to factor that with Christmas, Thanksgiving, anniversaries, my own birthday and Valentine's Day, I don't know what I would do. My heart goes out to you and everyone here for the holiday just past and those upcoming that we have to endure without our loves. Dave

Tal, that is so true. There is no loneliness like that we experience. After being part of the team we have been a part of, we are all torn asunder. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Please come here and vent and fuss and cry and yell as much as you need to. We hear, and we understand. It's because WE KNOW. And Tal, we care. Dave

George, 335 days since I last spoke with my love.

Marg, by the way, when Dana and I got together for the first visit last summer after 32 years, we were like Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Cole (Rene Russo) comparing the scars they'd accumulated over their years as cops in one of the Lethal Weapon movies. Between us we had been through several accidents, a burst appendix, a collapsing stairway, a kidney operation, and my dogfight. We had so many parallels over the years, including injuries and scars of all sorts. I laughed out loud when I made the Lethal Weapon connection. She had never seen it, but enjoyed the whole idea. BTW2, she was the one on the collapsed stairs, so I have to say she had the most scars.

Marg, I have heard all my life, never get between two dogs in a fight. I learned why in 2013, when Nate, a friend of my son, came to stay with us for several months after a breakup with his long-time, live-in girlfriend. Brought his girl dog, Callie. She got along great with my two boy dogs, but not my girl Lily. They often tussled a second, then would back off, growl and bark, but generally behave after a bit. One night they really latched onto one another, so I tried to grab their collars to pull them apart. BIG mistake. Lily bit into my right leg while Callie tore into my left arm. Best I can tell, only one real bite from each dog, but the leg wound was deep while the arm was ripped. Not sure I have ever cussed and yelled so much before or since. Both dogs were immediately cowed and contrite, but I was bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig. My son's friend was weak-kneed over blood anyway, and I thought he was going to pass out. Wanted to take me to the hospital, but I knew they would probably report it, and I would have animal control and half the Sheriff's Department out there. So I got in the tub, washed and washed with germ-killing soap, pulled the skin back to and taped and super-glued some of it back together. Fussed and cussed loud the whole time. My son and his Bud were about as cowed as the two dogs. They never fought like that again, but more importantly, I certainly learned MY lesson. Never get between two dogs in a fight.

Marty, Marg and Kay, Thank you all for your kindness. This site has been a Godsend. I hope I can comfort others here sometimes the way you all do. I cannot express how much it means to me.

Absolutely, Brad. With Dana back in my life, I was always working to be a better person, she was my inspiration. Right now I am just lucky to get through the day.

A year ago today I was just finishing up a morning chore I assigned myself before an Uber driver was to pick me up and take me to the airport in College Station, TX, to fly back to NC. Dana had not been sleeping well for some time, and would drift off during the day for a few minutes. Since it was my last day in Texas, she had coffee with me that morning, wanting to be awake for the last few hours we had. Didn't work, she dozed on the sofa between 10 and 11, but I didn't wake her. She always had insomnia issues, but things had been worse for several weeks. Could not stay asleep for more than an hour or so for several weeks. I had been there for 8 days for her birthday, and did as many repairs as I could get to. When the driver arrived an hour early, we were both upset, but I had to take that ride, because there were no local Uber drivers in Navasota. The girl had driven down from College Station, and had over-estimated the time it would take to get to me. I was disappointed but didn't overly fret about it at the time, and of course didn't know then that this would be my last time to ever see Dana. We had both acknowledged that we would not be together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I was working my way toward moving to Texas after the first of the year. She was saddened because this would be her first Christmas away from her sons. They were both in college in New England, and were not able to make a trip to Texas. Between her ongoing health issues and nowhere to stay up there other than a hotel, she was not going there, either. But she was quite stoic, the only child of two only children. Always stood on her own, because that's the ways she was raised, by a mother and father who were raised the same way. I fretted about her being alone for the holidays, but she insisted she would be miserable but fine. Thanksgiving came and went and we got by. As Christmas approached, she indicated she needed to get through this on her own. Did not want a lot of missing and fussiness over the phone, so said she wanted to get through it on her own. I wanted to talk every day, but she insisted on weathering it on her own. Asked me to let her call when she wanted to talk. We last spoke on the night of Friday, December 16. Her laptop had been fried when her dog knocked over a bottle of Ensure into it, so I got her one and shipped it Monday the 19th. Texted her it was on the way on the 19th but got no reply (she did not care for texting much, so I was not surprised or alarmed). I received acknowledgement that it had been delivered on the 21st, so texted her again. Still no response, but I was not alarmed. We had gone through a similar spell of no communication when her youngest's birthday came around in September and she couldn't see him then, so although I wanted to talk, I respected her wishes. Christmas came and went. I texted a couple more times, but again, no response. On December 28 her best friend in Texas texted me that she had died. Another friend there had gone by her house and got no response for a couple of days, and finally asked the police to do a health check. Mail was piling up, and some packages had been on her porch for several days. Including the laptop I had sent. The police found her on the floor, and she had been gone for days. Last completed call on her phone was ours from the 16th. That is the only reason I got any information from the police down there, as being "only the boyfriend," I was not next-of-kin, or a responsible person. Her best friend was her emergency contact. But since ours was the last known contact she had with anyone, a police investigator called me. Although he really didn't have to give me any information, he was very kind, and gave me as much as he could. I have been broken since. I should have not been conservative about extra traveling around the holiday, and should have been there. She might still have died, because she had ongoing medical issues, but she wouldn't have been alone. And wouldn't have laid there for 10 days. I still can't get past that. So this week has been hell for me. I took Wednesday off, as that was her birthday, but I've essentially been a wreck the whole week. Thanks to all of you for a place to come when things like this come up. No one else understands except those who have lost THE ONE PERSON in their life that mattered most of all. Dave

Cookie, I will be thinking of you as well. I hope your day goes okay and your singing plans play out. Dana and I both sang to each other every time we spoke. Well, a snippet of a song, at least. Neither of us had quality voices, but she did have good pitch. Me, I have no quality and little pitch control, but I love to sing out just the same. It hardly mattered what the subject was, one or both of us would always find and sing a lyric to match the conversation. I was with her in Navasota, Texas this time last year. Drove to College Station to find a seafood distributor who got fresh stuff flown in every day, and got her some shrimp and crab legs. That is what she wanted for her birthday. Steamed everything and melted some butter for her to dip. I hope some good memories of things you all did for John's birthdays will comfort you some today. Dave

Cookie, November 8 is also Dana's birthday. She would have been 60. I too have been feeling lost and hopeless the past several days. I'm taking that day off from work, so that I don't totally lose it. Her favorite thing that I arranged or scheduled when she visited me here last year was the NC Art Museum, so I shall spend the day there.

Mary Beth, I am astounded and humbled by your words. I pray on almost a daily basis for God to give me a chance to go back and figure out a way to save her. I too say please, Please and PLEASE! My Dana was also a poet, also an editor and she was a teacher. I speak to her every day, so tonight I just read your poem to her. I am sure she would have been moved to tears by your work. I am so sorry for your loss, and for each of us. As others have expressed here, you have captured the pain we are enduring, the melded emotional and physical pain. I know we are more prone to the physical, because the emotional has already brought us to our knees. I hope and pray for Him to hear your prayers. Thank you so much for this. Dave