Crazy, Bombarding Intervention

[LighTrio]

OK. So I've been on the forum a while now and I really like talking to you all. It is really nice to have other people talking to me about something we share in common. And I hope it's ok if I vent for a minute about something that happened to me tonight that just has me VERY upset.

Right now, I am taking care of my 15 year old sister (I am 25) because both of our parents have passed away, our mom just last May. And we've had some problem adjusting and getting our lives back on track. Me personally, I was getting things together for us and myself when I got a new job that I loved....and then lost it very unexpectedly at the very end of january when the company went out of business. Since then, I have been in a big funk and not enthused about looking for a new one, but I've still been sending out apps and resumes. I also hurt my back in the process, so I haven't been doing much but sitting around the house for the last month.

Every once in a while, my sister will visit my cousins who really didn't know us that well until after my mom passed, and they decided to get more involved with us. My sis and I had a little fight this weekend with lots of emotions involved, so she went to their house for a little break. Just to mention a little about my cousins, they are in their 50's and kind of hippies. they tend to move a lot, and God love them, but they have bad drug related pasts and some run ins with the law. Their kids also have some problems and one of them is in jail right now. This will all have a point in a minute.

At about 9pm tonight, I got a call from my sister asking me to bring her her medicine she forgot and my cousins wanted to give me some money they owed me for a car I sold them. So I go out there, just to do that and it turns into some big old intervention for me! I spent the next three hours sitting there while my cousin tried to play counselor between my sister and I. I mean I got told all about myself and then some. gail (my cousin) kept comparing everything we had been through to herself and things she had dealt with and what kind of a person she was and how strong she was about bad things that had happened to her in the past and that there are no excuses for depression. And basically just kept telling me that I don't have any excuses, that I need to get off my ass and "get busy" I mean this all went seriously in depth into a bunch of personal stuff that had been told to her by my 15 year old sister. Not only about the death of my parents, but all kinds of stuff. She even went to the point of telling me that I had gained a lot of weight since the last time she had seen me.

So now, here I am, it is 1am....I got home at 12am...and I am just sitting here SO pissed off and upset. God love her for wanting to help if that was her intention, but I just don't see where she gets off trying to tell me stuff about myself living the kind of life her and her husband have led. She didn't even know me until my mom died in May when they decided they needed to get involved in our lives, yet she kept talking about how I had changed....and I had to call her on the fact that how would she know? It just pisses me off at they way she really thought she was counseling me and my sister by getting me there (lying to get me there at some crazy late time of night) and then throwing all this negative stuff at me. I'm sorry, but I just kept wanting to say "NO, YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND, YOU DID NOT LOSE BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS BEFORE THEY EVEN REACHED 50!" I just put in my two cents and said what I felt to wrap it up. And you know, some stuff I agreed with because I fully acknowledge that I've got probelms and need help. I fully admit that I have not been the same person since my mom died, but that I did try really hard until I lost my job (that I REALLY loved by the way which is probably why I'm taking it so hard) and the last month I haven't really done anything but give a half assed attempt at look for a new job. Which apparently, the job I had wasn't good enough either because I also got told about that and that I don't have any goals or want anything out of life! She literally told me that I was worth nothing and "didn't have anything to offer anyone" and that I had to be the person to change that.

Does anyone think that was a correct way to go about trying to get help for someone? If there are any counselors or professionls on the board, I would really like your opinion. I don't understand this whole thing and I know that sometimes you have to use tough love, but this feels ridiculous. Truthfully, right now I am just torn between being very angry and very hurt and bombarded and just wanting to sit and cry about all this stuff that was said about me. I mean it was EVERYTHING about me, head to toe, inside and out. How can anyone come away from something like that feeling like they are cared about or helped? I just feel a lot worse because not only did they confirm the worst things I thought about myself, but they added new ones.

Has anyone else had an experience like this? Is it a cool thing to throw a little late night intervention for someone who is grieving? Although it's been a whole 10 months since my moms death, and acording to them I should be over it and going on with my life.

I am just so upset. Your thoughts please.....

[shell]

Ligh Trio,

I'm not a counselor or professional, but I'll give you my opinion. First, you are so young to be taking on the responsibility that has landed in your lap. From the posts I've read by you, I think you are doing one hell of a job! It is natural to feel the way you do right now, about losing your job, and you are still suffering from grief. I would like to slap your cousins. How dare they lay all this on you! I wouldn't give them a moments thought and I would try to keep your little sister away from them, if you have that kind of influence over her. You are worth a thousand of both of them put together.

I'm so sorry you had to go through something like this. My best advice....stay away from them and do what you think is best.

Hang in there and hold your head up high...you are a remarkable person to be raising your sister and trying to keep everything together.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[LighTrio]

Ligh Trio,

I'm not a counselor or professional, but I'll give you my opinion. First, you are so young to be taking on the responsibility that has landed in your lap. From the posts I've read by you, I think you are doing one hell of a job! It is natural to feel the way you do right now, about losing your job, and you are still suffering from grief. I would like to slap your cousins. How dare they lay all this on you! I wouldn't give them a moments thought and I would try to keep your little sister away from them, if you have that kind of influence over her. You are worth a thousand of both of them put together.

I'm so sorry you had to go through something like this. My best advice....stay away from them and do what you think is best.

Hang in there and hold your head up high...you are a remarkable person to be raising your sister and trying to keep everything together.

Hugs to you,

Shell

Hi Shell. (my sister's name is michelle and I call her shell, too by the way lol) Thanks for posting. =) It is now after 2am, and Im still upset. The hardest part is knowing that I really haven't been myself and I've spent the last month doing nothing after losing my job. And I felt bad enough about myself and I didn't need someone to tell me that I've got problems and need to work on them...plus a whole lot of other stuff including the fact that I've gained weight! I hope she thinks about what she said tonight. I feel bad for my sister because she probably only talked to her out of needing to vent about me and because she felt bad and knows that we have some problems....I'm not sure if she knew my cousin was going to say all the stuff she did.

Thanks though Shell. At least I know that I'm not the only person who thought that was a little out of line.

Take care,

Kelly

[Maylissa]

Dear Kelly,

Oh, you poor dear! This was the last thing you 'needed' right now! How utterly non-understanding and harsh a thing this was for your cousin to do! Right up front, I have to say that you're already showing remarkable maturity, being open enough to even consider that some of what she said was valid to some point, and showing tolerance to your sister for wanting to vent to someone. That is very UNderstanding and open-minded of you....so hang onto that about yourself as you are now forced to work through yet another stress in your life!

There are always some people who think they know it all and are so wise compared to everyone else - I know the type too well...but often these are the types of people without any humility, either. If that seems to fit your cousin, then try your best to let what she did and said slip right off your back, as it's not worth the consternation it's causing you....yah, I know...much easier said than done, but still worth trying your best at. Perhaps she was trying to be helpful, in her own silly way, but really....people should THINK more before they speak or take action! If nothing else, you got it right - SHE doesn't have a clue what it's like to lose both of one's parents, especially as such a young age. Consider yourself more of an 'expert' in that and try to see her poor judgement as nothing more than inexperience in such a complex life and grief journey. She obviously doesn't even understand some basic considerations, like dragging you out so late at night when grief takes so much of our energy that we're oftentimes drained by midday! A maturer person would have set something up for a mutually-compatible time for discussion. This also doesn't sound like a discussion at all, but a 'dumping' on one person. I think I would have been asking her where she got her 'degree' in grief counseling from! You showed remarkable restraint and you're to be commended for that....unless your lesson is to stand up for yourself more ( I wouldn't know; just throwing the idea out there ), in which case, she's your teacher in facing this in yourself.

Also, she also doesn't even seem to understand the basic idea of people grieving for a lost job. What it was to YOU is what's important, not how SHE sees it. Many, many people go into deep depression just over job loss, but for you, this is another huge loss to add to an already-huge loss...something she's obviously clueless about. And the fact that she, personally, thinks 'keeping busy' is some kind of cure-all for what ails you, tells you that she's someone who runs away from and buries her problems underneath 'doing'...no wonder her family has problems. A common reaction, but not very wise.

It's also wise of you to be keeping in mind, as you are, this cousin's own family problems, which didn't appear out of nowhere, without her input into them. Pretty much ALL of my relatives have similar things that I have to remind myself of when they act like total nut-bars.

Overall, I'd say she's just very lucky you're not more like me, else she would have had a rousing good yell-fest on her hands for such an insensitive move on her part! Frankly, if it were me, I'd be thinking about printing out all sorts of REAL expert material on grief and giving her copies to educate herself with! No excuses for depression, my foot! PUH! UGH....some PEOPLE!

Edited March 26, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Kelly,

Like Maylissa, I can't believe a woman your age is so mature. Like Maylissa also...I would have been screaming at her and telling her off to totally. You have some problems you have to work on? Honey, I am 52 years old and have problems I need to work on! We all do, so don't put yourself down for that. You are headed in the right direction just by admitting and recognizing this.

As far as the weight goes, I think almost everyone on this board would admit to gaining weight at some point in their grief. I lost a lot of weight in the beginning and finally gained it back and believe me, gaining was better than losing and not being able to eat at all. So don't worry about that either.

Maybe you could get your sister to some kind of counselor...maybe someone at her school? I think it is wonderful of you to care about her having someone to vent to, but it would seem healthier for BOTH of you if she did it to someone else besides the wicked cousins! She is one lucky little girl to have a sister like you!

Hang in there and go easy on yourself....you are going to have ups and downs.

Hugs,

Shell

[tootie]

Kelly,

First off I would like to tell you how sorry I am to hear you have lost your parents at such a young age. That in it's self is a very hard thing to go through.

Second, honey I would love to tell you how brave & wonderful you are for trying to raise your 15 year old sister. OMG I have a 16 year old daughter & it is tough being the mom, let alone being the big sis & sitting in as mom.

Many many big hugs for that one.

As far as having troubles & being "messed up" well honey I guess those cousins of yours need to walk a day in your shoes before they can judge. Hell I am 36 & Thursday it will be 3 years since I have lost my mom, & amost 2 since I lost my dad, I am one of the most messed up people there are. lol

If I may I would suggest a counselor, a professional one. I think that it may help you to go to one 1st & let some of your pain & anger out & then have your sister go to some alone too, & then maybe together.

I wish you all the best, & I commend you for being such a wonderful sister. Wonderful enough to take in your little sister & be will ing to go through all of this, so she has family that loves her.

Hang in there Kelly, I know it is so very tough now, but rest assured it will get better.

Tootie

[shubom]

Sorry to hear about the loss of both your parents. I lost both my parents too, and it’s hard ! My dad died 6 years ago at 47, and my mom died 3 months ago at 56. They both died unexpectedly. I still can’t believe it, and I’m not even 30 yet !!! They didn’t even have a chance to fight, and thinking about it just hurts my soul deep down to the core. My sister and I are the only ones left in our family, and it hurts so bad just thinking about it. We have relatives that we are not close to also, but they have stepped up to really help us. Losing both parents is hard at any age. But especially for you and your sister, with her being only 15 yrs old, and you having to take care of her. I feel so angry with your relatives for talking to you the way they did. Maybe they thought they were doing the right thing, but how could they, if all they did was rag on you and bring you down when you are going through such grief. I have relatives like that too. It bothers me so much, especially since they do not understand what we’re going through. I think you are really mature for your age. I think counseling would be good too, for both you and her. Are you really close to your sister? I hope so, because I believe that’s what your parents would have wanted. Hopefully she understands that you and her have to stick together. That’s very hard to realize being so young. If it wasn’t for my sister and I talking to each other about our feelings, I don’t think we would be that close. I think it’s a process to realize this. My sister and I are so different, and after my father died, we became closer. I would always tell my mom and my sister that we had to stick together because we are all we had. For 6 years I stressed this, and it changed us. My sister changed, my mom changed, and most important, I changed. We met each other half way. Now my mom is gone, we are trying to keep that closeness. It’s a little different not having a parent there to mediate when we argue. Now we just have to rely on ourselves.

Maybe talk to your sister about what happened. Explain to her that you didn’t like being bombarded like that. Tell her how you felt about everything they told you. Make her understand that you are trying your best. It may take a while before she understands that. Ask her what she needs and then tell her what you need from each other. Try to meet each other halfway. It’s going to be tough, but I think after a while, hopefully, both of you will realize this together.

As far as your relatives, I don’t know what to say. I guess the best thing to do is, take your sister and stay far away as possible. Still accept their help, but make sure exactly what sort of help they are giving you. I have relatives just like that, but the key is to keep a strong foundation no matter what, so they can’t negatively affect you, etc. Your sister at the moment may not understand this, but you do. Realize that you are more important, and you know how you feel. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Even though my father wasn’t treated well by his mother/family members, he would always tell my mom to never sever ties with family members, because you never know when you’ll need them. I guess he was right, because now that they are both gone, my grandmother and my aunt are the only family we have. I could only wish I was married with a few kids, because they would be my family. But, nah, reality hits hard. We are by ourselves, and we need them. They have really stepped up to help us. Seems like they are trying to correct what wrong they did to my father through us. My father never involved us in their disputes, so I know this is what he would have wanted, as long as it was positive help.

I have hope for you and your sister that someday she will understand, and the two of you will meet each other half way. Communication is the key.

[Guest Guest]

wow, that sounds like a lot to deal with. youve had quite alot on your shoulders. going from a 15 year old to parent for a sibling is a great deal to deal with.

but anyway, it sounds like you and your sister are lacking a strong support system, and if those cousins are it, it may be better than nothing. at the same time, you have a right to be upset. i would be too.

what were they getting on you for exactly? i know youve been in high gear with eveything. i also know that when i was 25 i certainly was not ready for what youve been through (still arent).

anyway, it sounds like your sister has built a bridge to them. two people in your situaiton may need as much help as they can get. is it possible do you think to build a bridge to them for yourself?

Life is hard enough at that stage, and given your level of loss, i would be completely lost re: life. My heart goes out to you.