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2 Months and New Life

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Today it has been 2 months since brian passed and 1 month since our 21st anniversary. I think I'm numb half the time and in pain the other half. I have not known contentment or peace since the night we walked into the ER and I walked out a widow. 

I am so thankful for every day brian and I had together and I am thankful for the love and understanding we had together. It is worth the pain to have had such a beautiful relationship  

I feel I will never know peace again. 

I had a doctor appointment Friday. I have lost 20 pounds in 2 months and my labs have not looked so great in many years. My kidney function improved and my cholesterol profile is absolutely normal. I have had really bad cholesterol and triglycerides for 15 years. I wonder if the doctor has figured out if you eat very little this is what happens. I ate vegetables and a great diet while I had Brian.  Now I do not do any of the vegetables or other prep work to make the food healthy. I'm eating worse than I have eaten in 21 years (I was anorexic when I meat Brian).  My doctor said keep up the good work  if they only knew.

i feel this new life I am trying to build is a house of cards and I'm running around back and forthtrying to keep the cards from falling down.

The roof is almost finished and the crazy thing is I'm going to be so sad when the guys go away. The activity around the house and the people to talk to have convinced me I need to get out. Brian and I were so wrapped up in one another we didn't socialize. We had a best friend (his best friend since middle school). He is like a brother to me after all these years. 

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My heart goes out to you. I remember so vividly those early moments of grief. Other people here listened, cared, and shared when I was in such shock.  My wife and I were pretty much the same. .. Having each other was enough. It is one moment at a time.  Hang on and hold on.Share what you can with us.  You are not alone and we do know and understand this grief journey you are on. Thank you for sharing with us and I will be praying for your peace and comfort.  - Shalom, George   

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Alas, I am an emotional eater, so although I lost weight in the beginning, it came back on with a vengeance.   I will never be anorexic.  Sometimes doctors miss a whole lot, did he even think to ask you why/how you're losing weight?  He should have questioned you about it and given some ideas so you don't continue losing.  If you don't like eating any more, maybe try healthy smoothies?  Keep healthy food around so if you can't eat meals, at least graze healthy.  I'm worried about what you're doing to your insides, it'll show up eventually if you don't get this under control.  Sorry for the preaching, just worried.  (((hugs))) 

I know all too well how hard this is.  I think in the early days I prayed I'd follow, I was pretty sure I'd die of a broken heart, but I guess it wasn't in the cards.

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I have been using those meals in a bottle. High protein low carb because of the diabetes but I forget to eat some days and some days I want to eat everything but don't have the energy to cook. 

I keep hearing from everyone how well I am handling things and how good I look.

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Doesn't seem like you had the most observant of doctors.......

I can relate entirely to the food issue, for the first two or three months I was either eating too much for comfort, or not eating enough because I just couldn't be bothered. Plus I've always had a sweet tooth and for a while I was really overdosing on cakes...again, for comfort. But eventually all this did make me feel very unhealthy, and I made myself switch to eating better, though it was very hard....but once I'd done it for a couple of weeks it became second nature. These days I usually manage a half decent meal most evenings, though the nearness of my local fish and chips takeaway [4 minutes walk!] tends to lure me there once a week. And I still eat too many cakes!....though not as many as before, and I stay slim due to not having a car and walking everywhere.

I think that once I started eating properly again [most of the time], I felt generally better all-round....maybe not hugely so, but it did help.

In the 'early days', when I could never remember what to do,  I set alarms on my phone to go off whenever I needed to do something reasonably important a few hours later, sounds stupid I know but it may serve as a prompt for you to eat?

I hope you start feeling better soon....I think it gets a little better after two or three months, if indeed just a little.


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Eating is such a challenge in this solitary life ...there is such a social aspect to dining that is grossly absent and for me, subsequently the appeal is lost....

Its almost a year ... I still struggle.. buy food just to throw away later...

Try to go out- as much with friends and family as possible..

...but finding that motivation is another challenge...

What isn't a challenge anymore? 

I actually cooked a decent meal for myself yesterday ... Maybe I will figure this new life out after all... 

night winds, Please take care of yourself- hugs, Marie

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