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Lost both parents in 14 months, dad died yesterday.


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Hi all.I posted on here  a bit last year when my mom died of breast cancer.We only had a week between  her second breast cancer diagnosis and her passing.I miss her a lot, we were best friends and I hate life without her.

Yesterday, my brother told me that our father died of lung cancer at 3 pm.We hadn't spoken in many years, but I made the effort to try and see him before he died. That was only 13 days before he passed.At first he had tears in his eyes and wanted to see me, then he started  freaking out and changed his mind.But apparently, he was smiling not to long before he passed when my stepmom mentioned calling me.It appears he may have had a change of heart, but it was to late.I should mention he had dementia and heart disease to, at 76.

Why am I so hurt over this?.Is it the lack of closure? The pain for what could've been?.Right now I feel like an orphan at 42, and my children and I have literally nobody now, just my 93 year old grandpa with bad Parkinson's, who will die soon to.And my bro and his fam a country away ( u.s, I'm in Canada).

I have no chance now to make things right.If I was a decent human being I would have tried to see him sooner.Now I have to live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life.

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First of all, Joy, I'm so very sorry that you have lost both of your parents. I think that no matter what the circumstances are when we lose our parents it touches our hearts deeply. You ask, "Why am I so hurt over this?" I think it is because he is your father. You made that effort to see him. You did reach out. I think we all feel some guilt about how things went with our parents because of the love we have for them. Sending hugs.

Anne

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8 hours ago, Joy1974 said:

Why am I so hurt over this?.Is it the lack of closure? The pain for what could've been?.Right now I feel like an orphan at 42, and my children and I have literally nobody now, just my 93 year old grandpa with bad Parkinson's, who will die soon to.And my bro and his fam a country away ( u.s, I'm in Canada).

I have no chance now to make things right.

I think you've answered your own questions, Joy. It's all the unfinished business that is troubling you now, and you are in mourning over what could have been and now can never be.

I'm so sorry that you are left with all of these negative feelings. I know that this is no consolation, but since your dad had dementia, there is no guarantee that he would have responded to a visit from you in a way that you wanted or hoped for or wished for.

In any event, you cannot change what has happened ~ but that does not mean that you cannot find another way to say whatever you need to say to your father. You might consider writing a heartfelt letter to him, and constructing some sort of personal ritual around it that could be your way of expressing your love and making a place for him in your heart. In a way, this is your opportunity to become closer to your father, because death may have ended his earthly life, but he is still your father, and you are still his daughter. That bond is still there. You share the same DNA, and he lives on through you and in how you choose to honor and remember him.

Here are some articles that I hope will speak to you in a helpful way. Be sure to see links to related articles at the base of each:

Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death

In Grief: Coping with "Moment-of-Death Guilt"

Healing Rituals Help A Grieving Family

Goodbye to Goodbye

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Thank you so much, Enna and Marty.As it turns out, he had terminal agitation in the end, which I am familiar with, and it's very very difficult to deal with.

I talked to my stepmother tonight for the first time since I was a teenager.There is a blanket that my father's mother made for me as a baby.My father kept it all these years, and apparently even slept with  it. She said she thinks he held onto it because it was all he had left of me.She is going to bring it to me soon, along with a clock he told her I admired a lot as a little girl.My heart is torn into pieces,I never hated him, I always wanted and needed his love.I just never realized that until I found out he was dying.I will sleep with that blanket every night like a child, and I won't even feel silly. I hope there is something beyond this life.I really want to see him again.I'm sorry we ran out of time, Dad.I never forgot about you ❤.

 

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Joy,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I responded to you in another thread you posted in.  Cancer is the guilty party, not you.  Most of us who have suffered loss have gone through the guilt feelings.  I hope you read the articles Marty posted and take them to heart, they've helped me.  We do our best without the benefit of hindsight.  Write or talk to your father and tell him everything you wish you could tell him in person.  Even if you had made it there before he died, there's no guarantee he would have been cognizant or able to talk with you.  I think all of us wish we could have more time with our loved ones, no matter how long we did get, it's never enough.  And I think they understand that and know that we love them.

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