Another Cliche I Hate!

[Maylissa]

It's time for another rant! The longer I live, the more I'm really learning to despise, and thoroughly disbelieve that horrid cliche that God doesn't give you any more than you can handle at any one time. From reading others' stories, to my own microcosm of a life, I rage more and more over what I now consider to be one of the stupidest cliches I've ever heard. So many people have experienced tragedy upon tragedy, many it seems within days and hours of each event....and these poor people are going mental with anguish. And while my own difficult events often pale by comparison ( yah, I know we're not supposed to compare, but one can hardly help but use comparisons as gauges to one's own miseries! ), right now I feel, once again, like I've been given too much, all within a few days.

What really strikes me about this stupid cliche is the twisted 'logic' of it. If you go through one thing/grief/loss/tragedy and survive it, this cliche says that the next event will likely or assuredly(?) be even worse/harder to handle than the last one!....cuz, whoopee, you've grown from the last horrid event and should be more capable of handling something even more distressing! Oh boy! Lots to look forward to then! What kind of incentive is THIS for all this supposed growth of one's soul?! Conversely then, if I don't recover well from the last sorrow, wouldn't that mean that I wouldn't be given something even harder to try to recover from the next time? That's how it looks to me, anyway.

My particular grief/worry/consternation right now comes in the form of yet another physical illness or injury ( we're not positive yet which it really is ). Our fur-girl suddenly got blood in her iris one morning last week. We've been going through hell with the treatment this has required, but I thought we were making progress....so.....just 2 days after starting treatment, it got WORSE yet, after I'd had a titch of hope that by trying to act/be/handle things a little more calmly than my usual way, things would actually be better, as is suggested by all sorts of people. WRONG!!!! No, things went the other way.....and now I'm SO angry and feeling SO betrayed by this stupid way things are supposed to work, according to those who believe in this particular mantra. On top of that ( plus her high blood pressure and kidney failure ), her bladder also started acting up again this morning, just while I've been typing, so I had to restart yet another drug for her!

All this seems to be doing to me in the end, is making me more numb to life, and that, surely, couldn't be considered a good thing. If this cliche is true, then if we're really smart, we all ought to throw in the towel NOW, before things get even uglier! I'm so MAD at the Universe, it's not funny!! Thanks, Universe, for bringing up even MORE fears than the ones I already had!

PS If anyone would care to, any prayers for my Little Nis(sa) would be greatly appreciated, especially since mine are steeped in lots of doubt and fear right now.

Edited April 10, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Maylissa,

Oh, I feel so badly for you. I've been there, done that soooo many times. And it does seem that things just keep piling up until you feel it's all going to tumble down and smother you! Poor little Nis, she's had more than her share. But just try to hang in and believe she will get through all of this too. I know (especially with kidney failure) that we can't have them forever, but it is just too hard to face.

I, too, hate that stupid saying! How do people believe that when people commit suicide because they couldn't handle something? It frankly just doesn't make sense, but that's just my pessimistic opinion.

Another thing I hate is when people ask you how old your parent was when they learn of their death. And if they are "old", they say, "Oh, well." Like it's ok they died because they were old! The nurse at my docs office lost her mom about the same time I lost my dad and she and I were talking about that and she said, "The next time someone (who's older) asks me that, I'm gonna say, Oh, she was about your age".

Hang in there, Maylissa,

Hugs and kisses to your and your baby,

Shell

[Paul S]

Actually, I like the cliche because it does ring true, at least for me. It basically says that God (Or Whomever, may as well be nice to the Morally Relatavist crowd) gives you the strength to handle whatever it is that you are going through, provided that you have the necessary Faith. It does NOT mean that the next trial will be tougher, but only that YOU are stronger because of your past endurances and can therefore better handle the next crisis.

"That which does not kill you makes you stronger" may be a corollary to it.

Think of it this way, as you endure each trial, and rely on God (or Whatever...) to get you through it, each successive trial doesn't seem so bad. Think of all the people you know who seemingly manage to cope with all the curve balls or slaphots life sends at them with aplomb. How do they do it? They're not alone, they're not dealing with it by themselves. You lose a mother, the family is alienated from you, you have to find an apartment and a job and worry about financial hardship, at the same time dealing with sobriety or some other health issue, and one gets through it. Howcum???

One thing I learned in AA is a graph-like thing. If I can draw it, I could. Picture it instead. It goes like this: In an upward curve you have your hopes and dreams, etc. In a straight line outward from the bottom you have your self-percieved ability to carry them out, deal with them and control the results. The gap in between is filled with fears, anxieties and so forth. The wider the gap between your hopes, etc, and your ability to carry them out and control the results, the more fears, anxieties and so on fill it. The gap is closed by faith that you're not dealing with it alone. Do the best you can TODAY, and let God, (or, blah blah,) take care of the rest. A healthy assessment of past achievements and reasonable self-esteem helps, too, but faith provides.

It ain't easy and depends on perseverance but it works eventually.

Concerning suicides, and I am familiar with this because I've often thought about it, but never attempted it, the arguement can be made that they felt so alone and cut off from God that they felt bereft and abandoned with their despair. There was no working faith. This isn't cold, if you truly want to kill yourself, then you have no cennection with life.

[Guest Shell Louise]

Dear Sweet Maylissa,

I'm sorry you are going thru soooo much and for Nis.

Paul is very wise in his reply. "It does NOT mean that the next trial will be tougher, but only that YOU are stronger because of your past endurances and can therefore better handle the next crisis."

You live by the golden rule, treat others as you would like to be treated. Love thy neighbor as you love yourself. We all struggle with this, but I can see by your posts, if this is how you believe or not you try to live this way. I'm not going to say God or whoever just God. We may not like the way he answers our prayers, his will not ours. I really hated praying this when my Mom died. I wanted my will my Mom and he had the power to heal her! I wanted this to be his will, it wasn't. I'm still angry with him, and on the other hand my Moms love thru him is what is getting me thru. Or is it his love thru her? Either way, it was in his hands, even the doctors said it was in Gods hands now, and her will to live was also gone. He did not answer my prayers the way I wanted him to. He did heal her and took her to be with him. Not what I wanted. Life really sucks now! Mean hateful people suck! OK so I'm suppose to say they do not know any better, they still suck! God Bless them anyway.

There is a minister named Joyce Myers google her if you like. Computer not working correctly, so I can't post link for you, or look up how to get to her helpful articles. If you look around you'll find articles from her on all kinds of things that relate to just about everything everyone her is going thru.

I will pray for Nis and for you. Also for you and her vets to have the strengh and wisdom to take the best care possible of both of you. Hugs and Love to both of you.

Titus 2:11: "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men."

[Paul S]

Joyce Meyer is respectable, but appeals more to non-denominational Christians.

As an alternative there is also "Sacred Space" a website produced by Irish Jesuits. http://www.sacredspace.ie

Interestingly, the prayer/meditation for today seems to address all of this. I hope its OK to post, as when dealing with grief religion and spirituality cannot be ignored: "Jesus moves towards his fate as the Jews stumbled into the gas chambers of Auschwitz, calling on God but hearing no answer. The more we know of suffering, the harder it is to live fully in this week of the Passion. Yet Jesus in Gethsemani is the model of prayer. He shows no self-pity. The chalice of rejection and torture seems humanly unbearable, and he asks God to let it pass from him. Like us, he has to interpret not just God’s dialogues with us, but also God’s silence. Jesus redeems us not by his miracles and preaching, but by his suffering. When he accepts the chalice, he rises strong to meet his executioners. It is our human duty to fight suffering, but there are times when like Jesus we are reduced to passivity and passion."

There's like, a zillionmobillion daily devotional sites, Catholic Christian and non-Catholic.

One might say that an all-loving God wouldn't permit something like an Auschwitz. But its a horrible side-effect of His gift of free will. It can be used for good, but also for evil. But He does bring good out of evil, such as the lesser likelihood of future Auschitz's happening, if we are vigilant and rise strong to meet our executionmers, and accept our human duty to fight suffering.

[canocool]

'Maylissa' good morning my Name is Carmelo and i am 30 years old and feeling the same way because my parents were taken away from me when i was 4 and 6 My dad drowned and my mother got shot the were both 30....as i sit here contemplating about what to say as crazy as may sounds i believe that there is a God upthere watching every move we make otherwise trust me i won't be here today anyway likewise it's been harder every year as i get older to cope with the loss so many years ago and even do sometimes i've been wanting to check out of life i look at my two kids ages 4 and 11 and i do not think that will be fare if i do something stupid and put them in my position.....

My point is that if something happens to you it will trickle down to your children and they will be on the same boat we are right now and the tought of that scares me more because i do not think that they could handle it the way we are handling it...which brings me to the GOD don't give us more that what we can handle.....

I think that he cares about us but sometimes i think god is within us and let's us fail and fail and fail till we get to the brink of life and dead and then help us out...i am not sayin this to make fell better or angrier but hopefully will help you get the strenght you need to get by one more day and do not be selfish with your kids and try to laugh every day and talk to someone you loved about it...in closing i know that you read this s*** every day but take it from an Orphan like me and i will keep you and your whenever i Pray (I also have a hard time doing that but have to keep on)

[Maylissa]

Carmelo,

Thanks for your kind support. I'm so sorry you lost your parents at such an early age.....I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be and it's no small wonder you still suffer from those losses today. Have you ever tried looking up Motherless Daughters on the web? This group was designed for daughters who lost their moms earlier in life. There's no equivalent group for fatherless daughters, as far as I know, but this one group could address at least half of your situation. Just a suggestion for you.

As for this saying, I still don't like it, but it was mankind who thought it up, just to help us have strength and hope to get through things.....I just don't think it was a good way to put the idea across.

As for this crisis I wrote about awhile back, we've dealt with it as best we could and things have stabilized in that area for now, but I know there will be much worse to come. I'm dealing with anticipatory grief and have been for some time now, so every crisis makes me more aggitated than the last, and it's simply hard to desensitize myself enough stay calmer.....cuz I know what's ultimately going to happen...I'm going to lose my precious furbaby-girl. So I just rail against the whole miserable set-up....that we'll suffer from hundreds of losses throughout our lives, and no matter how strong or weak we personally are, it's gonna happen regardless.

I don't actually have any human children to either pass anything on to, nor live for, after the worst happens. I'll only have my husband and my own headspace to dwell in....and then I'll start, as most of us do when grieving, to worry obsessively about losing my husband! I keep telling him, he'd just better not die BEFORE me.... cuz then I'd be all alone and having to suffer everything all those on this board who've lost their spouses do, as well.

I DO laugh every day, despite the horrors of life, but life has also become very, very scary, as it commonly does as we age and start losing everyone we ever cared about deeply. I know I'm no different than anyone else with having to face these realities, but it's still worrisome, wondering what horrid thing is going to befall me/us next. I don't go around every day dwelling on it, but it's also not like the thought isn't there in the back of my mind.

And I still don't believe in this saying...cuz sometimes it just doesn't hold true. My best girlfriend ever either commited suicide or accidentally overdosed herself ( we never found out for sure ) long ago when we were in our mid-20's, and I know she was suffering mightily, emotionally, and had much more faith IN a faith ( Roman Catholic ) than I'd ever had.....that didn't save her, either. She couldn't handle what she'd been given to handle....so there ya go.

Edited July 13, 2006 by Maylissa

[canocool]

You know what we havesomething in common (a crazy sense of humor)I tell my wife the same stuff that if she dies i will jump right in with her..... thanks for making me smile when i needed it the most (Today)and i will look in to the site you were refering to to seek some answers

Thanks again guys and tell your husband to stay strong .......LOL

[tattoodlb]

Since this thread seems to have been smothered in religion, which this site is not about...I feel like I have 2cents to add...what if there is no God? I do not believe in God, I believe in the strength we have in ourselves to get through and overcome...I read the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" written by a rabbi...and I think it all boils down to simple choices. The choices we make about what we do, who we associate with...every action has an equal and opposite reaction... you are kind to people, people are kind to you. However there are some jerks out there who have nothing better to do than be jerks...so that tells me that nature is random; yet not random. As far as medical problems with our loved ones; we are not indestructable afterall and having been cursed with a finite life, we need to do the best we can with what we have to make every day worthwhile. I would like someone to tell me really, how all of us are descended from Adam and Eve when they had 2 boys...and all that inbreeding, they would not have gotten past 2 generations...the bible is a collection of stories. Society would be a mess without religion (and the catholic church would be poor)

I am sorry Maylissa for your troubles with Nis...having a furbaby with health concerns is draining...I have been there myself and it feels like your heart is coming out of your throat all day long.. I did not rely on God to help me through my ordeal...I relied on myself and the fact that time diminishes some pains. Good memories help us relive the happy times and the bad memories put things in perspective and help us learn from those experiences and what we can do better next time. Cliches are just that; to try to make us feel better about things we cannot control. We can only control ourselves and how we act and what we do. I will not pray for you, I will send thoughts of peace and strength to you so that you can have the courage to take care of your ailing furbaby and know that you are not alone. Maybe that is one good thing about religion..it brings people together for the purpose of doing good, for the most part.

[Paul S]

No, this site is not about religion, but references to religion and God are inevitable when discussing death and grieving, since death makes you at least consider eternity.

If you do not believe in God, then fine, although I find it hard to concieve of the idea that the entire Universe just came into being by itself, there had to be a First Cause of some sort that is eternal, that wrote the physical laws and mathematical variables and constants that go into the Universe's creation and continued existence.

Just my 2 cents, lest this carry on into a non-germaine debate, but I do not have the faith of an athiest, to believe all this just happened, even by ordered and governed methods over time.

Adam and Eve are not to be taken literally, although biologists have determined that we have descended from an isolated African village, and from one woman. (Google mitochondria and Eve) The Genesis story of creation was just meant to convey the idea that God created everything, saw that it was good, created us, saw that we were good and we lived in perfect harmony with Him, until our ancestors out of pride determined that they can be like God, and destroyed that harmony. This latter explains evil and why bad things happen. We tinkled in our pool. We are still doing that, people divinizing themselves and determining for themselves what is right and wrong.

The Bible is a collection of stories, some historical fact, some just fiction meant to convey meaning. It was not meant to be an an all-inclusive explanation of human history and how we got here, just the plan of salvation.

(Oh, BTW, there is no need to attack one particular religion. You may have opinions of the Catholic Church, but it is imperfect, being composed of humans. But is is poor, relatively speaking, as it primarily exist in poor, poverty-stricken areas of the world. It is also probably among the largest social services organization on the planet, working towards relieving poverty and injustice everywhere. Its so-called wealth are largely liabilities that it couldn't sell off if it wanted to, being priceless artworks and such. Its Churches are meant to direct peoples' attention to the glory of God, and also wouldn't relieve people of poverty with their sale. Poverty is not solved by tossing money at it, like left-of-center political parties think, it is solved thru fundamental, sytematic changes of how we order our economies and personal lives. Religions offer the best, comprehensive, humane and compassionate ways of doing that. Organized athiesm offered Nazism and Communism, which together killed hundreds of millions more people than anything else.

To single out one religion borders on bigotry and intolerance, as all religions, Christian and others, have amassed "wealth". People of religious faith just like building houses of worship to honor the Creator. Not doing so will not end poverty, just create more poverty of a different sort.)

Edited August 19, 2006 by Paul S

[tattoodlb]

We are all entitled to believe what we will; whatever makes us feel better and helps us be who we are. I am not trying to take that away from anyone. Different people have different ideas and ideals and values on what they hold to be true...and what they have seen and what circumstances have thrown them in their lives...so with that said...if in grief, you turn to God...good for you...if you turn to Buddah...good for you...if you turn to Allah...good for you...if you turn to your psychiatrist...friend...dog...cat...bird...snake...forums...

Zeus, Poseidon, Hades...whatever you need and you find the help and comfort you are looking for...then good for you. Everyone is different in their grieving and no one should be telling you how to grieve or what should make you feel better. Of course, not having anyone ever die would be nice. But that is not possible.

No hard feelings here but I think you should be more tolerant of other's opinions and not try to push yours...Harmony... dude...agree to disagree.

[Paul S]

I was tolerant.

I wasn't pushing my opinions on anyone, just proposing (not imposing) what I believe, with no requirement that others agree with me. This is what others do with their varied spiritual beliefs.

Nor was I telling anyone on how to grieve or how to feel better.

You, however, were dismissing religion, (" this thread seems to have been smothered in religion, which this site is not about") as if because this site is not sponsored by a religious organization, it has no place here. So who's pushing opinions on whom? So much for tolerance, esp with the singling out of Catholicism.

No problem with agreeing to disagree, but take care with accusations of intolerance.

Take care, and I'm sorry for any offense. But I felt compelled to defend certain beliefs from what I perceived to be intolerance.

[lorikelly]

I can just say that with out my faith i would be nowhere. I believe through God all things are possible. i don't where i would be if i didn't believe. my mom( who i miss terribly) gave me this faith. one of the last things i said to her while she still was with it was to thank her for giving my belief in God. I need HIM now more then ever.

[Paul S]

lorikelly:

My parents gave me my Faith as well. I had also left it for a few years, and discovered what life is like without it. My Mom prayed me back into it, and like you, don't know where I'd be if I was still out there. Its less scary with a Partner.

I am given what I can handle, nothing more.

Paul

[shell]

tatoodlb,

I am not a particularly religious person, although I have my own kind of faith. But it does not offend me when the posters here talk about their faith in God. That is their opinion and their way of life. They also respect my opinions and my way of life. When I come upon a posting I don't "agree" or "connect" with , I usually just don't respond. This board is so varied on subjects that you can find lots of things to talk about. You don't have to read the religious based posts if you don't want to. We are just here to support each other and try to offer help or suggestions for getting through our grief. Some posters offer God as a help, because they have experienced help in this way. We all just offer what we have found, through trial and tribulation, hoping it will help someone else.

I think, as a whole, we are a pretty tolerant group concerning our differing opinions and that has made this board a life line for many of us. Perhaps you should try a little tolerance too? I wish you well.

Shell