Two old hippy's

[Fírinne]

That was Maggie's way to describe us and no truer words were spoken. We tried to live our life with Peace Love an Understanding, but life had a different idea. I keep writing and deleting because every time I read what I wrote just comes across as poor pitiful me ! An that's not the way Maggie would have want, it was not unexpected I got to think about the end for yrs Maggie had end stage renal failure she played the game 11yrs the last two were hard she slept a lot she was losing her memory couldn't walk well do to other problems and the happy hippy was being taken by this disease so she decided to stop dialysis to be able to take some form of control back. To choose when and were she would pass and she pick to bring it to end it as near to 12/17 as posable (Maggie got her wings on 12/13/17) due to that is when we lost are son 20yrs ago and she knew I hated this time of year anyway. Now I know I'm supposed to be happy she is out of pain and enjoying the Great Concert in the Sky but some how I feel no joy I'm mad at her and that makes me feel like a bigger hypocrite because she and I knew that I wouldn't have done anything if the shoe was on the other foot  by that I have never had plans to do anything to prolong my life. Maggie love life and I put up with it. Now I feel guilty for the freedom and the ability to do the things that we talked about. I can not find the happiness that came with the snow there is no beauty in the forest that we love so much, we got to spend so much time together that I feel guilty whining when so many are not give the chance to even say their last goodbyes I'm sorry for this selfish act and that is one of thing that Mag would have let me known about. I need to go think now this is not the end of this post for me but I came to a realization and it's time to ponder it.

Thank you for the encouragement to write and open up give to me by people on here ~PEACE

 

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Fírinne said:

Now I feel guilty for the freedom and the ability to do the things that we talked about.

Firinne, there is no freedom.  Billy had pulled the RV home in March of 2015.  We were trying to get out of the house, lots of people wanted it.  He was gone October 17th of 2015.  All the bravado I had while he was ill, I could have carried his 6'2 or 3" anywhere in my arms, but my 5' could not wait to find a hole to crawl in away from that house, the RV, the plans we had made, because they were "our" plans, not mine.  Oh, I wanted to do them, with him, just could not do them without him.  I have tried to do everything different so it would not be a reminder.  Good luck in your path.  We all travel different ones, but they are the best we can do.   

[kayc]

Firinne,

You speak as one deeply grieving, and that is what this place is for.  There is no particular way you "should" feel but how you DO feel.  Try not to chastise yourself for your true and honest feelings.  It's okay to feel anger.  It's okay to feel sorry for yourself.  You have lost everything when you lost your mate!  At least that's how we feel especially in the early days/months/years.  We wonder how the sun can go on shining, how people can keep going about their business as if nothing happened when your whole world as you knew it has been shaken to its very core.

It helps to share your feelings with those who get it, those who have been there...and we have.  We ARE there.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got in those early days when I didn't see how I could go on without my George, was to take one day at a time. 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Fírinne]

First I like to Thank Marg M & kayc for your words of encouragement. kayc the Tips to Make Your Way Through Grief was the one of the first thing I read here and was the reason I joined I found it to be very helpful I could go through each one and tell the truth in each but the Permission to Smile & Find Joy in the Day are the ones that are getting me motivated so Thank You. One of things I find I miss is the heated debates [ arguments ] we were the best at that neither able not to allow the other one to have the last word I mean we would debate on how wet water was or how stupid TV commercials are, I know this is due to loneliness but I sure do miss the fight the abled to let off some steam without the fear of distancing people Maggie knew the words were not said with malice and could hold her own.~PEACE

[kayc]

I love how you shared about your debates.   That gives a little insight into who she was and how things were with your interaction, I love it!  A little friendly debate. I love that you picked someone who could "hold her own".

The "giving yourself permission to smile" is something I just added because I remember reading an article about that a few months into my grief and it was also life changing for me.  Sure wish I would have saved that article!

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Fírinne said:

One of things I find I miss is the heated debates

Well, years ago, (almost too long ago to remember) we would have heated debates also.  There came a time though that his memory was as bad as mine and we would just say "well, we would say he said or she said, but in all truth and honesty now, neither of us can remember for sure what we did say," so we quit our debates.  Not with sorrow or disappointment, but with laughter.  We had a lot of laughter.  Billy was a wonderful comedian, very dry, and knew what he was doing, I knew it, but people that did not know him did not know it.  My favorite I  have repeated, toward the last few months, before we knew he was ill, he bought a piece of plumbing pipe from True Value.  Actually, had tried a couple of other pieces that did not work.  (No, he would not let me call a plumber).  Then he went in the door of True Value asking where was that man that sold him the "piece of sh__" coupling" and I watched the man slowly heading out the back door.  I loved his humor, but not everyone knew he was teasing.  

[Gwenivere]

I miss doing everything with Steve.  Talks, going out for things, debates, you name it.  Not really news there.  I just went and got the advanced Sunday paper I always read for sales and wonder why I keep doing it.  The most I get from it now is some bird cage lining.  I still do so much of our old routines and they bring such pain.  The only ones with any meaning left are with the dogs as they are actually here. I was noticing how often I am told to have a good evening or weekend, normal stuff people have always said.  

But all in all I miss his laughter.  I never knew someone that found so much humor in just about anything.  Even in situations that started of tense like what you described, Marg, Steve found a way to laugh about it often with the people he started bitching at.  Taught me to vent my anger but always tell the person it wasn’t personal (usually).  

I really wish my smiles were genuine.  I appreciate people’s kindnesses, but smiles don’t come from my heart anymore.  It’s the social game to me.