Boyfriend broke up with me after dad died - Need advice

[Kieron]

I think this person mistakenly believed this was a "live" forum where people would respond in real time.  I got a pair of "hey" messages as if expecting me to be instantly available, like texting.  Oh well!  🤷‍♂️

[kayc]

That's what my message said too, according to my email notification, but when I clicked on it, the message was gone.  I thought I offended her by my asking her why she was triple posting her story (twice in same thread).  I thought maybe she didn't understand how forums worked and my intention was to help her, not upset her.  But then I guess we can't be responsible for other people's reactions.  I don't think she liked what I had to say about her situation but I've lived long enough to realize nothing will change unless we make changes starting with ourselves.  Years ago when I was very young, I was being abused physically, verbally, emotionally, cheated on continually by my husband...he was a monster and I wanted away but was afraid he would kill me if I tried.  I had every reason to believe he would!  I was complaining to my GF about it one day and she told me to put up or shut up.  I was mad, didn't speak to her for two weeks (same overreaction as here) and then I realized she was right!  I talked to him, left, and he took a gun to her husband's head to find out where I went.  He came and beat my door down and drug me back home.  I decided I needed a different tactic.  I went to the best attorney in town, he told me to lay low until my husband was gone (he was laid off so at home drinking all the time) and then leave and don't tell anyone where I went.  I went to the only hotel in town with great security...this time he didn't find me.  I was so brainwashed...crossed the line from caretaker to enabler, I remember writing out all his favorite recipes for him and a budget that would enable him to stay in our home if he followed it.  He didn't, he partied and blew his money, necessitating an instant sale on the house.  I literally took nothing but my clothes, Bible.  I went through a lot of counseling and changed a LOT!  I learned to create boundaries, stand up for myself, became very independent.  A lot of men don't like that.  That's okay by me.  George loved and admired me and would not have changed a thing about me, just as I felt about him!  (BTW, today is his birthday.)  I wish everyone could have a relationship like we had!  This person, if she doesn't learn on this one, will go on to have similar experiences until she does learn.  That's the hard way.  I heard Dr. Phil say something one time that stuck with me...If you don't like the lesson you're getting, learn it, otherwise you'll keep getting that lesson over and over again!  Makes total sense!

[Kieron]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

This person, if she doesn't learn on this one, will go on to have similar experiences until she does learn. 

Exactly.  Likely it will be learned in the School of Hard Knocks.  As for you, it sounds like you have a master's degree from the University of Life!  👍

[kayc]

I have a Master's in the School of hard knocks!  Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have just had a normal life like everyone else (mom crazy/abusive, dad alcoholic) but then I realize how much I've learned from everything I've been through and how it's shaped and molded me into who I am, and I can fully appreciate everything, even the hard places.  There's a few decisions I would do differently if I could, but at least I've learned from them!

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have just had a normal life like everyone else

In all my years, Kay, I've yet to meet anyone who's had a normal life ~ much less anyone who could actually define what normal is 

[kayc]

Haha, I guess you're right, but I have met some who had a whole lot more normal life than I have!

Definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
I know our lives don't go as planned, but not everyone gets married four times, had parents who were abusive or alcoholic, two broken engagements besides.  I guess I came out fairly normal in spite of it but gosh it's taken a lot of work!  I know we're all learning throughout our lifetimes.

[MartyT]

I think it's your openness to learning, Kay. It's one of your greatest strengths. As the saying goes, When the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you're always ready and willing to learn, life is most certainly full of lessons to be learned ~ and you've had more than your fair share of lessons. Think of where you'd be if you had refused to learn from them ❤️

[kayc]

One thing I credit is my sisters...we've always been each others' biggest support, going through everything together.  We started out in life going through the abuse and bad parenting together, and although we chose different ways of dealing with it, we never judged each other, always were there for each other.  We've walked our journeys together, even though miles apart.  It's why I always wanted to have more than one child, I feel the sibling relationship has been so important to me.

Yep, lots of lessons indeed!  I'm glad I didn't start drinking!

 

 

[MartyT]

I agree with you completely about having siblings, Kay. I am still very close to my sister, and with intention I've raised my two sons to be close to each other as well. There is nothing like having a good relationship with a sibling!