How To Get Through This

[tara12]

Hello ,

i AM new here and hope someone read this and replies . I am having such a hard time. I have just lost my mum and my dad within 4 mths of each other . My mum died with me at her side , it was so deep and moving and so devastating. She had suffered for many years after being hit by a truck as a pedestrian... and it was deep suffering for us all.. then after her funeral , my dad was not the same , i know this is common. anyway , he seemed better , then just one day went and laid down and died . I foudn out as the neighbours found him. it was so hard , is so hard . I am alone and no one to help me. nooone. no family , noone . I find it so lonley , i had to do everything alone organise it all.

now there is a big mess with his will , that breaks me , his wishes are not being honoured and i am lost about it and fear what lies ahead. mostly knowing its not in my control and that it is another level of loss and pain to think people he didnt trust have manipualted there way into his life and now stand to benifit . he changed his will , but the one he wanted is missing ? hmm. and so its a mess.

I feel so lost. and its so final and yes , not many seem to care or understand and people say such insensitve things , like they were old or that its normal ( like as if i dont know that already ) doesnt help you does it . and its not the death , it s the loss of the whole life , the realtionship our lives together , our home ,their work. all of it .

i wonder if i cna get through this pain and heartbreak . I feel cut off from people , i feel i have lost most of my freinds ( so called ) who just seem ot think their own lives are more important and still expect me to be the same and act as if its over and done , but never seem to even ask how I actually feel or if i need anything , i am shocked by the lack of care and selfishness and immorality and greed and so on. but I know thisis cause through their ignorance and their own pains . i try be compassionate , but I am exhausted and feel broken and in a dream floating .

i am meant to be packing now and moving OS for 12 mths of study as I won a big award for my work . I feel so not interested and unable to focus and its scary to me , to let go of even more , of the loss .. leaving my dear dog for 12mths and leaving my only home , leaving security . it also makes me so sad , that they could not see me get this award . they died and missed this . i feel bad , for things not done , i feel that maybe my dad died as i had told him I was going and he felt too heartbroken , i feel I was selfish , i tried my best , but ti was never enough i think. i jsut feel awful.... i know this is greif . but tis a lot to bare . alone. i try to get on and get over it but its alot . can anyone relate , can anyone give me some insprations. can u share with me some hope and also let me know I am not alone with this.

I feel some days so angry , some days so sad . its a awful empty place, i miss them. and i also know noone else except me will rememeber them and now all their things , our things , our life will be touched and gone through by strangers and sold and so on . so it all is for what ? all their lives is gone . for what .

ahhhhhhhhh help me please , talk to me ,

i am sorry for everyones pain and loss.

please write

[KathyD]

Hi Tara,

It's Kathy and I hope this site will be helpful for you. After I wrote I completely broke down into a sobbing fit because all I could see in my mind was pictures of my Dad (going on one month) and the things we did together. I feel like I have a normal day then it crumbles to pieces without warning. My mind is all over the place, thinking at one point that I can handle everything then thinking that I won't be able to. You are not alone! The waves of grief come when least expected and can be unbearable - I spent the last two hours in complete misery until my brain seemed to decide that it had had enough and shut town (temporarily). I hope that the wonderful people on this site will be helpful for you. We're all going through things that most people can't understand.

Kathy

[shell]

Tara,

I am so sorry for your double loss. One death is overwhelming. Another so close is almost surreal. I lost my dad a little over a year ago and several others at about the same time, so I know how multiple losses affects you. I am so sorry that you are so alone. I have my mom and brother, but no one else really. The thing about your friends is a common topic on this site. If you hunt around you'll find lots of posts about friends deserting you. It truly is amazing how insensitive people can be.

I know how hard it is going to be to go OS, especially leaving your dog (I'm a devout animal lover!), but it may be a blessing in disguise.Congratulations on your award, by the way. I somewhat believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe this trip is what you are suppose to do at this time in your life. It may help you adjust more than you think. And don't worry, I am sure both of your parents are watching over you and will "see" you get your award.

And as Kathy said, emotions just overcome you when you least expect them. And all the emmotions you are feeling are perfectly normal and will get less intense in time, but it takes awhile, so don't push yourself too hard to get over them. Just ride the wave and do the best you can. Please continue to post here, it is a very healing place. You are not alone. You have lots of people on this site who not only understand what you are going through, but who really do care about you.

Hugs,

Shell

[tara12]

Hello ,

thanks for replying it helps me so much. I have a huge day ahead of me tommorrow , i have to fly early at 4am to sydney for an interveiw at the US CONSULATE for my visa for the year . Maybe your right and maybe as scared and overhelmed as I feel right now , maybe ti will be a blessing in disguise. One thing is it will change everything and I will be away from reminders of things and I will have to jump in to getting on with my work and studies and be professsional and meet new people and so on. maybe it will pull me , force , me out of falling in a heap and into depression .

I gave up cigerettes after mum died and now since this mess wiht the will has happened i have taken them back up and I see how down I have gotten. i would stay in bed for ever if i could right now. thats ok . who wouldnt feel like this...

yes , i see it is a commone theme of people feeling betrayed and a loss of freinds through their insensitivity and seemingl;y selfish behaviours , it is kinda of astounding really that people are this way ? it is wierd really , how come ? surely death is not such a stranger , to act so cold to those of us who hurt so much . i mean truly i do not even talk about it really , and i am no drama queen , but u would think someone would be a bit kind ? wild , and yet these same people seem to want me to still be there for them and listen to their petty dramas ( or what seems in comparision ) its strange indeed.

I feel a bit better reading your posts , i need to feel this , i honestly felt so bad a few nights ago , i was seriously thinking about wether it was worth being alive anymore , just felt so heartbroken. but i must be strong and know that it will get better and also notice the good things and be grateful , u know , like the few good friends I do have , to know they are real friends now is amazing , they are the ones to focus on and know i can trust . and that mum and dad in sprit are free from anymore suffering like those of us left behind.... and that the things and everything else is finished anyway , they are gone .

i just think losing both so close together is just so hard and cold and empty and hard and its normal isnt it ? that I FEEL SO ALL OVER THE PLACE AND that its normal I feel thse things I feel , the anger and everything ... its hard . I know YOU UNDERSTAND , thank god someone does , thank god someone is talking to me , the lonliness and aloness and feeling this is the hardest and coming here I know I am not alone. so thankyou so much , I hope you feel better as well. I am so sorry for us all and for our loved ones to be gone . ahhh,

ok talk soon i hope.

thanks again

[MartyT]

Tara, dear,

I'm so glad you found your way to this kind and caring place, although I'm very sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the death of both your parents.

I agree that going to receive your award and following through with your studies is important, provided that you acknowledge that nothing changes the reality that both your parents have died so close together, and your grief will accompany you wherever you go, whether you want it to or not.

Grief is extremely powerful and not something we can easily avoid; if we don’t acknowledge what we’ve lost and how we feel about it, we may find ourselves expending enormous energy just trying to keep a lid on it, and often unsuccessfully. We cannot always predict or control the timing of those sudden upsurges of grief, especially when our losses are so recent. Much as we may try to avoid them or ignore them, our various reactions to loss can pop up when we least expect them. They can be triggered by something as simple as a song on the radio, an advertisement in a magazine, or a face in a crowd that reminds us of the person we have lost. If we’ve had little or no prior experience with bereavement, we may be caught off-guard and feel totally unprepared to deal with this when it happens to us. Not knowing what to expect, we find ourselves wondering if our reactions are normal and dreading what may be coming next. But when we’re armed with an understanding of grief, and know what feelings and experiences we can normally expect, we are better able to face the weeks and months ahead more readily.

Much as you may want to do so, dear Tara, there is no way to avoid this grief of yours. You cannot wait it out, you cannot postpone it, you won’t simply “get over it,” and nobody else can do your grief work for you. It’s called grief work because it is hard work, and if you put it off, like a messy chore or a sink full of dirty dishes, it will sit there waiting to be done – and the longer it waits, the harder is becomes. I want to suggest that, as you follow through with your plans to pursue your studies over this next year, you also set aside some time to do your grief work. You can do it in pieces, you know – you don’t have to do it all at once!

What do I mean by grief work? I mean doing the things you already know how to do: writing, journaling, meditating, dreaming, reading, remembering – but with the intention of paying attention to your grief. Just as you will do with your studies over the next year, set aside some time each day to pay attention to your sorrow at losing both your parents. Experiment with it as you go along, and take it in manageable doses, say for a half-hour each evening, at the end of your day. Just for that specific time-frame, immerse yourself in memories: bring both your parents to mind, talk to them in your mind, remember them and recall or write down your favorite stories about them. As a very wise woman once said, “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.” Accept your award in their honor, and dedicate your work to your parents. These are what Thomas Attig calls “sorrow-friendly practices,” and you already know how to do them. Also do some reading about what is normal in grief, so you’ll have a better idea of what you can expect. (See the Articles and Books page on my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions; see also my Death of a Parent page.) Keep reading the messages posted in this and other forums on this very site – there is no better place to learn about grief and all the different reactions to it, as well as ways to manage those reactions.

You say you feel lost and cut off from others (another normal feeling in grief!), but you've already met some very experienced and compassionate people right here on this site – and one of the most wonderful things about this online discussion group is that, if you have access to a computer and the Internet, you can take all of us right along with you, wherever you go!

Now that you have found us, remember this: You are not alone on this journey, no matter where you are physically, or where your studies and work may take you. We are right here beside you, every step of the way.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[shell]

Tara,

Please keep us updated on your achievements and work. Try to enjoy it and like Marty said, accept your award in your parents honor. Also, as she stated, you can stay with us no matter where you go, so remember to let us know how you're doing. You should be proud of yourself and I know your parents are too.

Good luck and keep in touch,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi tara, I agree with what everybody has posted here. Please keep in touch.

The people I have met here have MORE THAN MADE UP for what is lacking in family (oh, boy, I can go on and on about them !!) and friends.

Why are we sometimes abandoned? Who knows, perhaps its that death just freaks people out. Yes, its a common experience, and people just don't want to be reminded that it could happen to them (or one of their loved ones) someday. Or maybe they just feel inadequate to the task, and feel its just best to go away from us for a while. Maybe I'm just being too understanding . But death and grtireving does have a way of rewriting one' address book. (I've said that before around here. I finally remembered where I got it. A great book on grieving entitled: Companion Through The Darkness : Inner Dialogues on Grief by Stephanie Ericsson).

You said in one of your posts something about life not worth living. I know how you feel. For various days after my Mom died last November, I woke up resenting the fact that I didn't wake up dead. This included an entire week in December, just before Christmas. I wished I was dead, not in the suicidal way, I was just arguing or reasoning with God that His purpose in my life must clearly be over, what with Mom dead. (I took care of her.) Gradually this feeling has gone, and life is beginning to be hopeful. (I first wrote 'enjoyable', but changed it to 'hopeful'. Enjoyment is a bit further down the road. But hope tells me it will come.)

Take care, and please stick around us.

Edited April 26, 2006 by Paul S

[Seanboy]

Hi Tara,

I am very sorry for your losses.

I hope you find comfort in knowing you'll be loved here, I too hope you continue to post.

Love and blessings to all,

Sean.................................

[tara12]

Hello all AND THANKYOU so much for your kind and thoughtful replies.

I am feeling so up and down and I think on the edge of depression.. I know a fair bit about grief and thank god I do , or i do think this would have destroyed me. seriously...... I also have fairly strong spiritual inner supports and ways of coping , even depsite this , I am struggling with the immensity and hugeness of the whole experince , the death , the actual deaths is one thing and huge enough , the phyicalitiy of it and the images and memories connected to the shock and profound finality is enough , but then there is a huge amount of other STUFF , the realtionship , from beinnning to end , their lives , their history , my realtionship with them , the suffering over years , the loss of so much ........ the actual house , the will , the vultures , the messes , all of it ....... and then the lonliness this brings up , hacing to do it alone , and how that triggers the sense of powerlessness that is there around how I tried to help , tried to love well and how it has made not much difference in how it is now..... although I do know and believe I did my best , and acted the best any one could , it seems still in my darker mooments , not enough and never would have been and some of that is recognising the pain they carried ... ahhh. hard hard hard ... and lonley and nooone else can do this but me. thats the truth .. and it makes the realisation of the lonliness stronger . but here i caN AT LEAST SHARE AND NOT FEEL so alone . at least I know others have the same or similare srtuggles , not that I would wish this on anyone ... and i ALSO know people have it worse ect ..... thats not the point , the point is its hard stuff and heartbreaking and no way around it .....

yes , I will go on this trip , somehwat half hearted , and thats sad as well , as it should could be the best thing and biggest thing and I should be " should """"" be feeling happy and excited and so on. this would have been the highlight to date of my work and life ... and so it feels robbed from me a bit as now it will always be assocaited with this enormous loss and hurt .

also the work is behind , so much I have not done and have to do ... but then this IS LIFE. this is how it unfolds......

the thing of losing a address book of freinds in one go , well , i feel i lost a whole books worth after mum died ...... now I have another books worth since dad died , so thats not much left , but you know , i know at least the ones left are real freinds who do care and have depth. thats ok .. hard to let go though to accept without some anger though ... but then thats how it is .

I have som much to share and say , i wish I could in person. its hard to have this inside alone , but also maybe good in a way as in the end this is how it will be for us , for us all... one day we also will have to say goodbye to all we loved aqnd goodbye to this earth and to all our things and to everything ..... the reality fo death is a wake up , one I have had many many times in this life , MORE i think than most actually , but the truth of it is so stark to me right now its so very very real , its not all bad , as its a huge learning growing for whats important ... I am not sure yet what is to unfold , esp as I am goiong away .... who knows how this will be ... and thanks for the thoughts about making time to do the GRIEF WORK , its important and I will and am.....as painful asit is and as much as I want it to go away as the thoughts are just almost tooo painful right now , LITERALLY.....

AHHHHHH, HOW TODO THIS GENTLY . IT WILL take a lot of time i think , it is not a fast thing and nor should it be ...... I will never be the same i know this , this has changed me ...

ok thats it for now . I am raving , rambling , iam tired , my mind a bit numb.... blank , confused . all the normal things ..... the tiredness is the biggest one .

pleaseplease please write me and keep me in touch please I need this and I thankyou for this. I also hope OTHERS can find comfort and that I cna help as well ..so we all can heal a bit together .

be well . love of the universe

[KathyD]

Tara,

I totally understand (as you know) what you are going through. I don't go a day without crying and feeling that part of me has died. I'm not in your shoes in that I don't have to deal with this alone, but I also have to confront "stuff" that could be seen as insignificant; my Mom told me today that Dad wanted me to have all his CDs because we both loved music and I lost it. The very thought of seeing those CDs and remembering the concerts we used to see - I can't even listen to a blues or Grateful Dead tune without collapsing even though I always liked them. I do feel the sense of powerlessness as well, I can't get him back and never will be able to.

Grief takes time although I wish I could get on with it. Seems that a lot of people believe that after a month or so you should be ready to get out and about...I know they are well wishing but how can you ask someone who's best friend/Dad died a month ago to commit to a concert that's two hours away?? Or go to a movie even though they know that movie theaters remind me of Dad since we were both movie buffs?? It sounds unimportant but the little things are the hardest.

We all are doing the best we can and reliving what we may think of as past mistakes or not doing what we should have doesn't do us any good. I was in Florida for a month while Dad was in the hospital and keep thinking that I should have stayed home, yet I know that he wouldn't have wanted me to not take the trip. That's what I try to do - tell myself that he wouldn't have wanted me to sink into a depression (I keep tottering near it), wouldn't have wanted me to stop doing what I enjoy...I guess I think we should remind ourselves that our loved ones would never want to see us suffer even though we are.

Now I'm the one rambling but hope I made some sense!

Kathy

[Paul S]

Hi, tara, me again.

Don't worry about ranting and raving and all that. This is the place for it, we understand. You're among friends. And its best to get it all out.

Grief is a process that seems to have its own timetable, and that timetable is determined by it and you, not others. One thing I've learned here is that since its emotional, one can't think it through, you have to let your emotions carry you to where you need to go. Sometimes that means facing a pain, but eventually, and I am going to use a phrase thats used a lot, and we're probably all sick of it, despite its truth and comfort, and that is: "It does get better." When? Sometimes it seems like never, but once in a while you are surprised and somedays aren't so bad, and you can see the meadow beyond the dark forest that you're trapped in.

Anyway, like I and others have said before, stick around and continue to share.

[jodietunnell]

i lost my dad five years ago and now five years later i lose my mom i am having a real hard time dealing with this.i been suffering from depression since my dad passed away and i am having a really hard time dealing i dont feel like i can handle it anymore

[tara12]

yes this is so hard , i have no answers , sorry to say as mu mum and dad just paased in the last few months of each other and its so fresh and hard . but I UNDERSTAND and so do many here where otheres wont ,,,, it is normal to feel overhwelmed and lost and alone. but here , u can share and find support and not feel so alone..keep coming here and sharing and together we can learn how to softly touch our grief anfd others as well..... remember our mums and dads love us and want us to be happy , not sad ... but of course we are sad , just we owe it to them not to sink or do oursleves harm and get on with our own lives when we can as best we can , u know..... even the ahrd times with our parents , or any fights , now are all finished and it is their essence which we share and now more than anything it is this we can talk with and know they are with us , even if just as a memeory , nothing can take that away .... be in peace if you can , breath in and out aND THROUGH the pain , talk share and KNOW EVERYTHING YOU FEEL IS NORMAL AND WILL PASS and you will feel better in time , you have to , this wont lAST FOREVER , THE PAIN WILL , BUT NOT SO MUCH , BELIEVE IT . TRY .

OK. HANG IN THERE