Loss Of My Husband

[teddysgal]

Hi, I just lost my husband on 27 March. We would have been married 7 years on 5 Jun. He was sick the whole time we were married. He had Hepatitis C which caused cirrhosis. On the 19th of March he went into the hospital with an internal infection. The doctor said it was the worse infection he had ever seen in his career. It took me 13 years to find him. We meet in Sep 1999. I was divorced from first husband in 86. I had married 1t 19 and stupid. I was in love with love. With my teddy bear (hubby) it was totally different. He was the love of my life, and my soul mate. I don't know how to go on without him. How do you survive losing that one person that is everything to you? I was use to him being home every day when I got home from work because he couldn't work. He was on disability. I would have preferred God take me, or at the very least, take us both together. I don't want to start all over. I never wanted to grow old alone. I always thought/prayed that my teddy bear would be around to grow old with, that he would get a liver transplant and be ok. I didn't get my prayers answered the way I wanted. I'm still here and he is gone. What do I do now? I don't know anyone else going through the same thing. So how can anyone else understand the pain!

[Guest PattiZ54]

Teddysgal - My heart goes out to you!! You now "know" numerous people that "this" has happened to - US!! We DO understand what you are going through and we are truly sad for you! I lost my best friend and soulmate of 20+ years, Charlie, 17 months ago and I'm still so sad. Unfortunately we are the ones left here to go on, even tho sometimes we may not want to. We go on for them. My husband had been hospitalized for his last 25 days, so while he was there he wrote me a letter. He told me to continue living my life and that he hoped I would find someone some day that would make me happy because I deserved to be happy. So, I go on.... I have a daughter and 3 grandkids that keep me going and I have Charlie's family, so I have lots of support. That's what gets me up everyday putting one foot in front of the other.

I was divorced before and then met Charlie, so I understand what it is like to have found someone that you loved more than anything - thinking you'd grow old together. We didn't have enough time - he passed away at the age of 46.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I promise....it will get easier. Just take one day at a time or even one moment at a time. You have come to the right place for sure. Everyone here is a true inspiration and it's comforting somewhat to know that there are others out there going through the same feelings. You are welcome to say anything you want here. We are here to help you get through everyday - to walk this "road" together. Some of us are just a little further ahead than others, so maybe we can help you get through what is ahead.

We are glad you found us. It would have been nicer if we all had met under better circumstances, but know that we are here for you. Come visit us often! Let your feelings out. You will find a lot of comfort here!

My thoughts are with you today and everyday!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004 - I love & miss you, Dear!)

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I have to say reading your post was like seeing my life before me. I lost Larry Nov. 16, waiting for a transplant, due to Hepatitis C. He was only 49, the day before his birthday. We met in 1992 and for the first time in my life I knew what love was. And to have lost it now seems an impossible thing to live with. I still don't know if I will continue to go on without him. I have to go to an appt. now but will reply to you again. I was just telling my hospice counselor that I deperately wanted to meet someone who was going thru the same experience because thats the only time I can feel I'm normal. Never did I dream that there would be someone to post here so soon that circumstances are so similar. I hope we can help each other thru this terrible ordeal.

[DoubleJo]

I found my soulmate at hospice. He lost his wife and me my husband. Turns out we were living through the same things with our spouses. We had the same outlook, the same personality, values, you name it. We thought the same thoughts. Unfortunately he had a bad liver. After 31/2 years of living together we married in Jan. He died Feb. His liver started to fail very fast. He was moved up to number 1 at the Mayo Clinic. Actually he was sick when I met him but still could work and function. His legs were always swelled with edema, his abdomen swelled with fluid. But until our honeymoon he could still function.You kid yourself that ALL you need is the transplant. But the liver failure effects everything else in your system and so it eventually shuts down. He was dying slowly all that time. Now he is gone. Like you I resigned myself to life with him disabled for the rest of our lives as long as I had him with me, I didn't care if I took care of him. I loved him, he loved me deeply. But also it was not to be. I look at it(because I have to) that I was lucky that we found each other. How else can you deal with it? To wish the person to be still alive you also have to wish that he was also always well. That's a lot to wish for. Our people had sickness working inside for some time. He was only 57, my John was only 56.

Doublejo

[Guest Guest_teddysgal_*]

I'm so sorry. I definitely know what it is like to see the person you love get sicker and sicker through this horrible disease (Hep C w/cirrhosis). Rick never got to the point of going on the transplant list. He developed a massive infection and that is what ultimately caused his death. It was directly related to the Hep C and cirrhosis. I always had hope that we would get better, that he would get the transplant and go on for years, but I guess God had other plans for him. Your, Larry was even younger than my Rick (53 yrs) old. I don't fell bad for Rick because I know he is in a better place, no longer in pain..it is those left behind that have all the pain of missing the person they love. I don't know yet, either, how I will go on without him. He had written me a similar letter after one of his prior hospital visits. If you have not already checked out the site I created for him, go to http://rickey-gay.last-memories.com. You can read about him there. I think whoever created this website (devoted to the loved ones that past), had a fantasic idea. It helped to do this for him and myself. His family, friends, strangers can read about him, his life, see pictures, lit candles, leave condolences, leave their own memoirs about him, etc. It is only $25 for a permanent, lifetime website. I hope he likes it. He will never be forgotten. I will love and miss him always. God Bless and Keep You, Deidra

[Guest Guest_teddysgal_*]

Thanks for responding. I appreciate it. I start counseling at Hospice tonight. I'll see how it goes. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, as well.

It does help to know there are other people out there that understand because they are going through the same thing, or have been through it.

I have to get to work. I'll check back it later. God Bless and Keep You, Deidra

http://rickey-gay.last-memories.com/

[Guest Guest]

I feel so bad for you. You have definitely been hit so hard. Rick's abdomen was always filling with fluid, as well. He developed a massive infection with it, and that is what killed him (caused by the Hep C which had caused cirrhosis). Rick was sick the whole time we were married. I also wish he was still here, but healthy. I would not wish him back to the pain he was in.

He also had 5 very bad disks in his back. He was in constant pain, and on disability. I would have happily taken care of him for the rest of 'my' life. It just wasn't meant to be. I love and miss him so much. He was only 53; too young to be gone. Take care and stay in touch. Deidra

http://rickey-gay.last-memories.com/

[kayc]

Teddysgal

I am so sorry you lost your dear soulmate. I could relate...I was married for 23 years to someone who didn't love me and after our divorce I married my soulmate, the love of my life, my George. We got 6 1/2 years together but only married 3 years and 8 months and then he died. He wasn't well but we didn't realize what was wrong...we thought it was his diabetes but it was heart all along. I don't know how you go on except you do. Life is forever altered and I try not to think too hard, I keep busy, try not to be alone too much, try to divert my attention away...the first few months were sheer pain and agony. You learn to live with it but you never like it. I wish I had answers. But you have plenty of company here, we all know and understand what you're going through. It's the hardest journey one can be on, but I console myself that it's me going through it and not him. None of us had our prayers answered the way we wanted...I have learned to accept it but I tell you, it's never what I would call easy. Good luck to you...feel free to cry, vent, anything, we're here for you.

Edited April 28, 2006 by kayc

[teddysgal]

KayC: Sorry about your loss as well. It is so hard when you lose that one person, you searched your whole life for. He was everything to me. He was my world and I miss him so much. I had met Rick in Sep 97, but married 5 Jun 99. He was sick when we married, but we didn't know what it was either. It took going to numerous doctors, for one to figure out it was Hep C. By the time it took them to figure it out, it had already affected his liver and caused cirrhosis. He was fighting it, taking lots and lots of meds and herbs, vitamins, etc. He never made it to the transplant stage because of an internal infection. That is what took him away from me. I keep thinking he would get better, the doctors were wrong, and that he would be coming home. I never expected him to die. I'm still having a problem accepting it.

I want to wake up and have this all be a nightmare. Unfortunately, it is not a dream, and I'm not going to wake up and it all be better.

Take care and keep in touch, Deidra

[teddysgal]

This is something my mom sent me. Hope it helps someone else:

http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/letter-heaven.php

[DoubleJo]

Dear friend:

That is the most beautiful touching and wise movie. Thank you for sharing it with us. You've got a super mom.

doublejo

[teddysgal]

You are very welcome. Yes, I've got a great Mom.

[ustwo]

I've been gone for a while and am so sorry to have returned to find so many more broken hearts. It will soon be 11 months since the love of my life, Gene had to leave. CHF, cirrohis, and finally kidney failure was too much for his body to fight. It is the most painful journey we are thrown into. I've realized the pain will ease but will never go completely. I will always love this wonderful man and the heartache will always be there. So many here are at different stages of grief. Someone is always here pushing past their pain to lend courage "to take a little step forward". This is a safe place to put to words all that needs to pour out of our hearts and souls. There is pain here, there is courage here, there is hope here. I am so sorry for everyone's loss but no one here is alone in this journey. As KayC has said, I have learned to live with this pain. I have learned to let the waves of intense grief wash over me. In the beginning is shock, then the fog, then trying to accept, then trying to cope with the waves that come at any moment. The gut-wrenching pain will ease some with time. We are only half of what we once were. I don't know if the hole in my heart and soul will ever heal but I do know I am blessed to have the love of this wonderful man. Our love is FOREVER! I know Gene sees my tears and would wipe them away if he could. He holds my heart.

I wish moments of peace for all of us. No one who finds their way here is alone.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Guest PattiZ54]

Ustwo - I thought that was beautifully said! My thoughts EXACTLY!!

Thank you.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[teddysgal]

I have to say reading your post was like seeing my life before me. I lost Larry Nov. 16, waiting for a transplant, due to Hepatitis C. He was only 49, the day before his birthday. We met in 1992 and for the first time in my life I knew what love was. And to have lost it now seems an impossible thing to live with. I still don't know if I will continue to go on without him. I have to go to an appt. now but will reply to you again. I was just telling my hospice counselor that I deperately wanted to meet someone who was going thru the same experience because thats the only time I can feel I'm normal. Never did I dream that there would be someone to post here so soon that circumstances are so similar. I hope we can help each other thru this terrible ordeal.

Deborah (Larry's Girl) I emailed you back, but it failed. I'm trying again.

Deidra

[kayc]

Evelyn (ustwo),

It is good to hear from you again, I have wondered how you were. What you said states it all so well. There are differing stages but ultimately we have to learn to live with it, pain and all. The intensity changes into a dull ache...the ongoingness of it all is a testamont to how much they meant to us, and the learning to live with it is a testamont to our bravery and survival...as they would want it.