Not Getting Any Easier.

[Lexy Starling]

It’s been almost a month since my 46 year old mom was taken from my brother and I and I still feel as if it just happened. This is my first time dealing with grief and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.. I’ve returned to work and I’ve sought help with a grief counselor.. standing behind a chair all day working on clients, I’ve been able to talk about her and what happened to most of them, all day, every day and I can hold it together. It’s in the mornings and at nights where I feel Like I can No longer hold it together anymore and I fall apart. It’s only been a month, I know And it’s going to take time for me to heal. But how much time does some usually need? And if I get to a good place in a few months to come, will I feel regret for no longer mourning my mother. That’s how I feel now if I remotely laugh at a joke or let out a snort at something funny. I feel remorse because I am grieving and my mother was just taken from me. My emotions are all over the place. I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up in the mornings. Most of the time I just feel numb and sad. If that’s even possible. It’s so hard to find that motivation to even get out of bed in the mornings, but I do. Mostly because If I’m not working, the bills are still going to continue coming and i don’t need the added stress of not be able to pay them. I’m sad and depressed and I know this is all part of the healing process but I do feel like this pain will never go away.  

[MartyT]

My dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain, and I hope it brings you comfort when I tell you that everything you describe is NORMAL as you come to terms with this enormous event in your life. Since this is your first experience with significant loss, it is completely understandable that you are feeling as if your world is falling apart. Keeping it together at work takes enormous energy, and clearly you are working very hard to keep your emotions in check so you can function at your job. There is nothing wrong with that ~ in fact, if you think of it as a conscious and deliberate action on your part, you can consider it to be quite positive, and as one of the many strengths you have already that will get you through this crisis in your life. Grief can consume your every moment in your day, but you also can allow yourself to set aside your mourning until you're in a safe and private place, with time to give in to whatever thoughts and feelings you need to address. This is a way of "dosing" your grief ~ See, for example, Finding Crying Time in Grief (including some of the related articles listed at the base). Read what others have to say about the loss of a mother: Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources. 

2 hours ago, Lexy Starling said:

I know And it’s going to take time for me to heal. But how much time does some usually need?

This is akin to asking "How high is up?" Too many factors are at play: your unique relationship with your mother; your past experience with loss; your individual personality and your own ways of coping with crisis; your individual support system and willingness to seek support ~ the list goes on and on. That's why we say that grief and your way of handling it are as unique as your fingerprint. It's different for everyone. Still, there are some features that are common to most of us, and that's why it helps to educate yourself about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief, and to expose yourself to others whose losses are similar to your own ~ as you have done by finding your way to this online forum for Loss of a Parent.

 

2 hours ago, Lexy Starling said:

I know this is all part of the healing process but I do feel like this pain will never go away.

The acute pain will diminish gradually over time, but you will never stop missing the physical presence of your mother in your life. The love you shared with each other will be with you always, because although your mother has died, the love you shared and the precious memories you've made will live forever in your heart, just as long as you keep her alive in your heart and in your mind. My heart still hurts at the death of both my parents, both of whom I lost many years ago, but I carry their legacies with me always, and I do my best to live a good life in their honor. You will find ways to do the same, I promise. ♥️ 

[MartyT]

I just read this post over at Soaring Spirits International, written by Olivia Arnold, who became a young widow some time ago. The way she describes herself in those times when she's not consciously aware of how she looks to others ~ well, it made me think of you ~ and you're only one month into this grief journey! See Resting Sad Face

[Lexy Starling]

Thank you so much @MartyT for your kind response in my desperate need for answers during this difficult time. You words have resonated and I know there will come a time when this will get easier. It’s still fresh and it’s still my mother. Part of me feels like some of me died too. If that makes any sense. She is the one who has known me since I entered This world and have memories of my early years that I will never have. I’m just heartbroken and trying each day to do the best I can.. thank you so much for response. I’m so sorry that you have dealt with the loss of both of your parents. I cant Imagine what I will Do once both are gone. I just Hope my father Will be here longer since I only Got 27 years with my mom. ♥️

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my own mother four years ago, but she was 92 and stage 4 dementia as well as Leukemia, so in her state, death was a welcome thing.  Even knowing that, the finality hits and I miss her.  I can know with my head that death was welcoming for her, but with my heart it's a whole other matter. I've had many losses, but the hardest by far was my sweet husband, he was barely 51.

Might I mention, you look so much like your mother, you are both very beautiful.

Grief has a beginning, I've never know it to have an ending, but it changes in time, as it gradually sinks in and we begin to adjust to the changes it means for us.  Years ago I read an article on giving ourselves permission to smile.  That was one of the best things I read on grief, because prior to that I felt as you do, like I was dishonoring or not showing proper grief to my husband.  I've learned since, that not only do we need to give ourselves permission to smile, but it is to be coveted.  I would not want anything about him to change me to someone glum, nor would he want that.  You see, it is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still and always will.  I remember him in other ways, when I share memories of him with my sister, when I look out on his tombstone in our back yard where I laid his ashes to rest.  When I look at pictures of him, and talk to him.  Yes, I talk to him, my widowed friends do the same.  I've learned that we establish new ways of continuing with them, new ways of interacting.  Before he could hold me, now I talk to him and feel his presence around me as I close my eyes and think about him.  However this looks to you, you will find your own ways of incorporating your mother into your life now.  I lost my father when I was 29 and expecting my first child.  My kids didn't get to meet him in person, however, I've shared stories about him with them, in that way they have come to know him.  I've told them the traits they got from him, how he'd be proud of them, how he'd be taken in by my daughter's dimples and personality and burst his buttons at my son's abilities and accomplishments.  Our parents are here only a short time, at least it seems all too short, and we are left to carry on their legacy, it is the way of all time, it's making the most of our time count that honors them.

[Kieron]

What a beautiful photo, and such a sweet way to remember her.  I, too, am sorry for such a loss as you have experienced and assure you that it's perfectly natural to be "all over the map" with how you feel, and yet making it through the work-a-day world because, well, you just have to.  And our society barely gives you the time that you need.

Marty, that is a great article about resting sad face.  I have the same situation.  Like Olivia, it used to bother me, but what's interesting is that since taking up Tai Chi Chuan, I've come to see the natural flow of in and out, up and down, side to side, which matches Olivia's description of "rest."  We cannot be active, go-go-go, rah-rah-rah 24/7.  We need rest, relaxation, sleep, time to dream, reflect and so forth, before going forth and being active again.  Makes sense to me, anyway.  🙂

[Lexy Starling]

Thank you @kayc for your kind words and reassurance that I will Be able to get through this difficult time. Even though death has happened all around me in my 27 years this really Is the first time it’s hit close to home. I can’t imagine pain you’ve gone through but yet you still seem to be standing strong and i don’t even know you. Thank you for your advice bc I will Keep them in my mind every day. I do talk to her and know that is here with me, but I’m struggling with the fact I just can’t physically see her or hug her. I have Another 60 years possibly to live my life and it tears me apart to know my mom won’t be here with me or to hold her first grandchild. This next year will be the hardest but I know She would not want me to be sad forever. Heck, she probably doesn’t want me sad now but my emotions are so uncontrollable, I just can’t hold them in. I know there’s hope and this tragic event is going to change my entire perspective on how short life really is and change me within as well. It’s a blessing but also hurtful all at once ♥️

Thank you @Kieron as well. My mom was a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul and even though we argued like nobody’s business, it was out of love for one another and we were so much alike. I always thought I had plenty more time to make great memories so now I’m having to savor those good memories that we did have to get me through these difficult times! 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Lexy Starling said:

Heck, she probably doesn’t want me sad now but my emotions are so uncontrollable, I just can’t hold them in.

Of course, that's to be expected with early grief.  It's not realistic for us to not be sad, especially since it hits us so hard and really does take time to get used to this.

1 hour ago, Lexy Starling said:

I know there’s hope and this tragic event is going to change my entire perspective on how short life really is and change me within as well.

It's true, grief changes us.  We view life differently as we realize that each day is a gift and make our moments count.  We learn to value and appreciate more.  All in time.  We don't sweat the small stuff so much, we realize what's important now.