Feeling Like I Am Going To Suffocate

[Shelley]

I've been doing O.K. since losing my father on April 10, 2006. By O.K. I mean...I've had feelings that he is alive in another dimension and that he is fine...then all of a sudden today I have doubts and questions and I ask myself if anything I could have done would have changed things. Anyway, today I just feel like I am going to suffocate from sadness. I am still taking care of my mother, she is so fragile, I have to be up and happy for her but what I am really feeling is that I will lose her too, it's inevitable and then I will really be alone. I feel like I am living in an altered state. I can't remember the last time I felt happy and hopeful and looked forward to the future and happy events, etc....I've lost all hope...I have helped so many people in my lifetime and now I feel in my time of need that nothing and no one is on my side. I can't remember the last time I got a lucky or even happy break...I feel doomed to a life of greyness....

[Ell]

Maybe you just need to take some time to really feel all of the emotions it sounds like you may be repressing. It's hard when you feel like you have to be strong for others when you are screaming on the inside. Maybe write your feelings down or write a letter to your Dad. I know these are not original thoughts but some of them do help a bit. My father died in 1995. We had a dysfunctional past but I never doubted that he truly loved me. We were closer in his last year than we had been since my early childhood. I'm grateful for that at least. When he died 3 months before my wedding I was completely devastated. My perspective became so dark that when I looked at people I could actually see them age and die in my head. It was so hard to relate to people for a while. Eventually I became angry. I was angry at pretty much the whole world. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had a lifetime of repressed anger that needed to be purged. Anger at my mom for encouraging me to think badly of my dad. Anger at my dad for leaving me and for letting her drive an emotional wedge between us for so many years. Anger at myself and my mother for exposing my father to second-hand smoke for many years. He quit smoking when I was 8 so there was a lot of guilt about that for awhile. I could go on and on about all of the anger I had never let myself deal with from our past but I won't. What I'm trying to say is that his death became a catalyst for me to learn to effectively express my anger in non-detrimental ways. It took a lot of practice. I stayed angry and depressed for almost two years. I eventually started reading and learning about spirituality and life after death. That helped me tremendously to believe that I was still connected to him. I started talking to him regularly. (Yes, I know how that sounds.)It made me feel better so I did. I told him everything I thought and felt about the past, present, and future. I've always had a bit of a sixth sense anyway even though I denied it out of fear for a long time. When I had a dream "visit" with my dad I knew that he was listening and he was still part of my life. That was priceless to me although I still miss seeing him and hugging him and all those earthly things. I don't know if any of my story will help you in any way. I hope at least it helps you to know that those feelings are not unusual. You just need to find your own path through the valley of grief. There are many others on the same path. I hope we can help each other along the way.

Hugs,

Ell

[MartyT]

Oh Ell, what a wise and heartfelt response -- I hope it brings some comfort to you, Shelley. And Shelley, dear, I don't know what support (if any) you have available to you, but I hope that when you have a few moments to yourself, you'll pay a visit to the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site. There you will find links to dozens of wonderful and helpful resources, articles and books that might offer you some help and some hope. I don't know where you live, either, but I can tell you that many hospices offer support groups for people who are in the care-giving role -- you might consider contacting your local hospice organization to see if such a group is available to you in your own community. At the very least, please keep coming here to share your thoughts and frustrations, to get your feelings validated, and to know that you're not alone. You are being held in many, many hearts at this very moment, and your mother is in our prayers.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[KathyD]

Shelley,

I'm so sorry about your loss and completely understand how you feel since my Dad passed recently too. I find myself feeling sort of robotic - it's like a little barracade has been put up in my brain that lets me get out and about but when it cracks I break down. One day I think I can handle everything then the next I don't know what I'm going to do. I write in a journal and found that it's been helpful. I also try to tell myself whenever I get really down that Dad would NOT want me to be this way. He'd want me to be who I was while he was here. Sometimes helps, sometimes no amount of self rationalization can do the trick. I'm on antidepressants (have been for most of my life) and think that they may have kept me from a complete collapse at times. I don't know what your stance on medication is, but many people take antidepressants for situational depression and not long term. I guess that some of the wording in your post reminds me of what I would think when in a severe depression...I know a lot of people are anti-drug but they have literally saved my life. Only you know what is right for you...keep posting here, the people know what we are going through and are wonderful.

Kathy

[tara12]

Hello there ,

This is so normal rest assurred , it is how greif works in us , I have had days of such raw emotions , days where i FEEL ALL THE WAHT IF , AND WAS I ENOUGHS , AND DID i love well enough and guilt and replays of all the past and so on and so on........ ITS i THINK another way we process our feelings ... we are leeting go of such a lot ..... and weel u know , we know , its a huge thing.....

other days , there is calm , peace , sleeep , and accepteance ect ... I am early in the process myself , both mum and dad gone in the last few mths and dad only 6 weeks ago...I was only coming to terms with mum when dad died , and then the avalanche of feelings really hit .. as I am also now dealing with the will and a whole mess up with that ... another hit in the guts and another round of grief reactions.

I notice though in both cases after a bout 40 - 50 days a palpable shift , both time . like one day woke up and felt different , like something had released and shifted ........ anyone else notice this ? hmm. I know cause when it happened with mum I got a calendar an counted the days since she had died . it was 49 . then with dad I counted yeaterday and it was 40 days.... so I wonder ebcuse on both cases the intensity shifted... why ? not sure ?

I know it feels lonly , I feeel this , I have felt it so bad and been so angry and I think death defintely re writes most peoples address books , has mine twice over at least . people are selfish , so are we, even when we think we arent , we try and soem of us have more empathy than others , ususally cause of our own pain and lessons in life........ and this helps us maybe be more compassionate .... some help beuse of a beleief or a job ...... but yeah , those of us who I think are rare people who genuinely try help others , it can be a shock then when the s*** hits for us and NOONE IS THERE . seems injust , and wrong somehow. but it happens..

for me , this is a time to reflect on why i do the things I do for people. DO i EXPECT THINGS BACK , do I do it to feel loved and worthwhile , do I do it becuse I want to ? ect..... its also linked with boundaries and many things . and also the truth is a lot of people ( so they say to me ) just dont know how to help , are in their own s*** , or just dont get it .... so having a attitude of forgiveness or acceptance of this helps me...... but BOY , i have felt angry tooooooo and hurt and abandoned ......I think what I am trying to say , is i think this is the GRIEF PROCESS , all htese things , all these feelings are normal... as we let go of huge parts of our lives at the same time as we let go of those we loved and love still......... its a huge thing and a huge in a way path way ... i think

keep coming here, , its ok to say whatever and maybe just maybe we help each other in ways others cant and dont and wont ..... and then we can pass this on ....

[Shelley]

Eli,

Thank you so much. My story sounds a lot like yours - only more recent. My mother also (maybe unwittingly) worked to keep me at a distance from my father. I realized only in the last year that he was really a good guy and she was the manipulator. And, yet, she is helpless now and want to care for her...I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. As for "how it sounds" that you talk to your father. I completely understand. I believe in the afterlife, ...but today for some reason I was trying hard to find a reason not to believe...weird. I guess it might be a need to beat myself up. Like I have control over life and death and somehow failed to save my father and so I should suffer. The last two weeks of my father's life I had to do everything for him. Today I was having thoughts like maybe I didn't let him know, really know that I loved him and he just "gave up" and died because he didn't want to be a burden.

Marty T,

Thank you also. I took a quick look at the care giver site and will go back to take a good long look through the links, I already see some wonderful information that might help me. Thank you for your support and caring. I need to learn as much as I can so I can help myself.

Kathy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know how you are feeling and thank you for taking time from your own grief to offer such kind words. I am not anti-medication. I am trying to work through my feelings without medication, but if I don't I would consider seeing a doctor. I'm trying to examine my feelings...it might be that I have been depressed for a long time and my father's death just made everything so raw that it woke me up to my feelings.

Tara,

Knowing that others understand what I am feeling does help to take the sting out of this a little. You brought up a good point...to examine why we do things for people..."do we expect something in return"....Tara I really have to look deeply into my soul to find out if that is why I do help people. Sometimes I think it is because I see myself in them and would want someone to help me. It hurts me to see people needing help and knowing that I can do something to help them...but I am open to the fact that maybe I have some buried motive besides compassion or empathy.

To all of you....thank you for taking the time to respond and for not making me feel like I am having a pity party...I am so glad to be here. Today was so strange, I thought I was dealing with all of this then wham!!!

[tara12]

Hey , YES i THINK I do the same , think I am doing ok and then WHAM ... BUT THIS FOR ME MEANS that I am still caught in having some idea a bout how it is meant to be , or some linear idea that it finsihes , I am trying to work in myself to learn how to just BE wwith whatever arises and to send kindness to this in myself , like even when I beat mysefl up , to try go ," oh , here i go again " oh well and then try breath into it and just let it be like a wave that is breaking and washing up for a while on me..... then breatjhing and watching it and letting it pass ....... this takes practice ...... also when its good , not to then think, oh goody , now its over and its all good , but equally to view it with the same sort of deatachment , to enjoy this and be grateful , but to know , EVERYTHING CHANGES AND PASSES...

in terms of the feelings about your dad , wow , can I relate i sure had that , still do form time to time ., feelings were so strong , did He know I love dhim , did he think becuse i was going OS that I was abnaDONING him AND CAUSE mum had died , did he just give up . maybe ? maybe not ? who will ever know ... the thing is , he is gone and so is your dad . so we have to think we did our best , even if it was not enough ...... AND REMEMEBer , EVERY ONE HAs their own timing and death to have , its not us who holds the power for this .... I know my dad was broken hearted at losing mum , I know he felt very sad I was going away , I know , there is much that could have been better , different ect , for him , for me , for all of us ..... BUT thats life , for us all ...... nothing is perfect and no one is perfect .. I am learning to forgive myself for my inadequacies . and to accept a bit what is...

our dads are gone . nothing to do , nothing to bring them back. all we can do now is to send love TO THEM NOW , tell them we love them and we set them free , free of this suffering .. and we will always love them... its ok .......

I cry even thinking this...... but it helps.

there will be good days , hard days , but we will be ok.... and u know, THEY LOVE US AND THEY WANT US HAPPY ......... AND FREE TO/

[Ell]

Eli,

Thank you so much. My story sounds a lot like yours - only more recent. My mother also (maybe unwittingly) worked to keep me at a distance from my father. I realized only in the last year that he was really a good guy and she was the manipulator. And, yet, she is helpless now and want to care for her...I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. As for "how it sounds" that you talk to your father. I completely understand. I believe in the afterlife, ...but today for some reason I was trying hard to find a reason not to believe...weird. I guess it might be a need to beat myself up. Like I have control over life and death and somehow failed to save my father and so I should suffer. The last two weeks of my father's life I had to do everything for him. Today I was having thoughts like maybe I didn't let him know, really know that I loved him and he just "gave up" and died because he didn't want to be a burden.

Hi Shelley,

I promise you that he knows you loved him and he passed when he did because it was time for him to go at that time. Not your fault in any way! I neglected to mention that soon after my father's death in 1995 my mother became crippled by arthritis. She moved in with us about 6 years ago. Just over a year ago she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I was her caretaker for the last year. She joined a Hospice program about 10 weeks ago. She wanted to stay at home though instead of their center so I became her caretaker on a "private nurse" level for 23 hours a day Monday through Friday. On weekends I got the 24 hour shift. I quit work to care for her at home. Because I stopped working my car was repossesed last Thursday with only 6 payments left. My mother died last Sunday. Now I'm dealing with arranging an indigent burial for her,trying to get used to the idea of staying out of work because I have no car now, and helping my 4 year old deal with her own grief and confusion. Times are tough but as I've said before, if I had to lose my car to honor my mother's final wishes then I can live with that. (I think...?) Well to be honest it still hurts like H---! I learned two things while caring for my mother. The first was that when she got close to the end I felt free to touch her affectionately like I hadn't let my defenses down enough to do since childhood. I kissed her face and stroked her hair and forehead. I held her hand like I did long ago. The second thing was that when she passed I was surprised how much I missed that. I LOVED physically showing her affection with all my defenses down. That was so beautiful to share that with her again even though I hated to see her confused and in pain. I didn't realize how much I would miss touching her like that. I guess part of me has missed that all along. I'm sure we'll still be close now that she's passed but nothing replaces the physical touch of a mother. I am grieving too just like you. Maybe after losing my Dad, and also my beloved Mother in Law last year, I've just had a lot of practice. Hang in there, Sweetie.

Great Big Hug,

Ell

[shell]

Shelley,

Everyone has given such good advice, I don't have much to add, but wanted to reply to let you know I feel for you. I too am taking care of my mom and try to stay upbeat. Getting through Christmas was awful. My mom and I and my brother were all trying so hard to be "cheery" and it was such a strain! Later, we all agreed that we should have just forgotten Christmas. It would have been easier on all of us. I'm saying this because I was wondering if maybe your mom and you could talk about your dads death. Maybe it would help both of you, or would that be impossible? Maybe she needs to know how much you are suffering and may want to talk about her own suffering. I have finally eased off trying to be so upbeat. Now I just try to be "normal", if that makes any sense. It has helped ease some of my stress.

And, oh how I relate to one minute being "fine" (considering everything) and the next a total mess. But I have noticed that the being fine is lasting a little longer each time.

Just hang in there and take care of yourself.

Hugs,

Shell

[Shelley]

Ell,

You are an angel on earth. You really touched my heart with the story about your mother and being able to touch her with your defenses down. I am so sorry that you have and are going through such pain ...I think all I can do right now is pray for you and that all your circumstances will change and life will get better for you very soon.

It is sad that I keep reading, hearing, learning about people who are caretakers for their parents and end up desitute. What the heck is going on?

Why are good people being punished?

[Ell]

Thanks so much, Shelley. The angel reference got to me a bit...in a good way. My mother used to sing to me at bedtime when I was very young. She used to sing a song that went, "You are my special angel..." When I read your post I could hear her singing it to me in my head. Thanks! You touched my heart too.

Love,

Ell

[Ell]

Also I wanted to add that I also feel like a scatterbrained robot lately. Another analogy that keeps coming to my mind is that trying to get through every day is like trying to navigate some immense emotional minefield. With every step there's a chance of an emotional explosion. I wanted to say, "Hi" and thanks to everyone here who's shared. It does help so much to feel "normal" among others who are sharing similar experiences.

Love to all,

Ell

[shell]

I was thinking about what Ell said, about feeling "normal" among others having the same experience. Before I discovered this board, I read all sorts of sites about grief and what was normal. While it helped, it wasn't until I actually came here, and read what others had posted, that I truly BELIEVED that what I was feeling was normal.

Thanks to all of you.

Much love,

Shell