My Heart Feels Like It Is Broken

[lane]

I lost my husband 8 days ago and still can,t believe it.He became sick in December and after seeing 4 or 5 doctors was told in January that he has lung cancer that had spread to the brain. I watched this handsome man go downhill for four months and it broke my heart. I was in denial about what the doctors was telling me -- I didn't want to believe it. I am broken hearthed and scared and so sad. Just can't believe this has happened. Thanks fir letting me write this , it makes me feel better somehow.

[WaltC]

Hello Lane

I am sorry to read of you recent loss, but you have found a good place for support.

My wife for over 40 years died last year from cancer which had spread to her liver. She was diagnosed in January and died 99 days later in April. I know what it is to be "broken hearted, scared and sad", but believe me it will get better.

I know how hard it is to watch a loved one perish, especially one who loved life so much! I found that it does help to write about your feelings here, because others understand and will not criticize or tell you what you should do to grieve "properly".

Grief is something we have to go through- not around. It takes time and energy. What helped me was reading a few good books on Grief as well as finding Discussion groups like this one. There is no doubt in my mind that I could not have survived without this group.

Please come back often and also read some of the earlier posts here to see the kind of support and understanding that you will receive.

[LarrysGirl]

Just to let you know you are not alone in this experience. All of us here on this site are currently going thru this grief, different stages, some in just the beginning like you and others further along. I will be coming to to six month anniversary on the 16th and it still feels like yesterday. Everyday I still see his face from the last few days he was alive, only 49. My heart is broken and dreams are gone. I wanted you to know that I am scared also, and my hospice counselor said to me that grief and fear in some way go hand in hand. I just wanted you to know that the people here will support and share and listen to any feeling you need to express.

[lane]

Thanks for your kind words. It does help to know and hear from someone who is going through the same thing. I know it will take alot of time to get through this. I dream every night about him and like you I see him as he was at the last. I know it has happened all too quick for me. My prayers are with you. Thanks agaain for taking the time to answer me

[ustwo]

Lane, I know the words are hollow but I am so sorry for your loss. Finding my way to this site has helped through this lonely journey. My husband passed away June 11, 2005 loosing the final battle for his life and I still have a hard time believing I have survived this long without him. You are not going to be truely alone here. Your loss is so fresh and there are so many emotions ahead to try and deal with. There will always be someone here reading, understanding, and answering when there is the strength to do so. What is your husband's name? Here it is safe to write what your heart and soul feel. It may be quiet at times here but I know for me there are times I need the solitude but I know that I am not alone here. When you need to reach out there will be a hand to stretch out and hold on to. For now you will continue moment to moment. In time you will live hour to hour, and then day to day. I can still hear my Gene telling me "you have to face reality". It is the hardest things I've ever had to try and do. Grief is such a hard journey and no one understands except for all of us "left behind". Everyone here understands the tears that flow, the near insanity, the disbelief, the emptiness, and the pain. Writing does help....there are truely wonderful people here who do not judge and understand. Hold on to people here when you can not hold on to yourself.

A wish for peaceful moments for everyone.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Lane,

I am so sorry you lost your precious husband...eight days is still so fresh and excruiating. I remember there was so much to do at that time, yet I didn't feel like doing any of it. It is the most heartbreaking and difficult thing a person can go through...our mate is part of us, our very breath and soul. It has been eleven months this week for me since I unexpectedly lost my husband to a heart attack, he'd just turned 51 and never in my wildest dreams did I expect it. We were supposed to grow old together! Everything changed in a heartbeat for me.

Like Evelyn (ustwo) said, sometimes it gets quiet here, but if you ever need to hear from any of us, just post that and we'll answer...we're here, we're all digesting and processing our grief as best as we can, all in varying stages, but all of us understand and care. This site has kept my sanity and helped me beyond description. I am so thankful for this site, for Marty (the counselor/moderator), for each of the dear friends I've met here, for I could not have done it without holding their hands. We'll be here for you. Keep voicing your feelings, it helps. Some find it helps to read books, I know Walt and Dusty (John) have read a lot...myself, I found it hard to read "afterwards"...even though I've been an avid reader all of my life. Maybe someday that too will return. It's hard to keep my focus. I can't watch t.v. or videos either. And anything we did together is hard. But I've survived nearly a year. It's a day at a time. Keep coming to this site.

[Guest PattiZ54]

Lane - I, too, am so sorry to hear of your loss. As the others before me have said, WE understand. We understand your sadness and your feeling of being "lost" - it's all very confusing. You are in such a state of shock at the beginning....sometimes I wish I could have stayed that way.

It's been 1 1/2 years for me today and when I look at his picture and kiss his face it is STILL so hard for me to believe. I can't figure out how I got this far without him - I miss him SO MUCH!!!!! Your life completely changes.

I too lost Charlie to lung cancer in a very short time. He had been diagnosed with systemic scleroderma (an auto-immune disease) in 2002. In 2004 he started coughing alot and just not feeling good. Started losing quite a bit of weight and was diagnosed with lung cancer September 27, 2004 and I lost him on November 16, 2004. I understand your sorrow. Charlie was just 46 years old. Much too young to be gone this soon. A year and a half later I still haven't taken his clothes out of the closet or his dresser - I just can't do it yet. It's comforting to see them hanging there, I guess.

Lane - it's going to be a tough road, but we are all here to help you walk down it. We are always here to listen and try to give you some comforting words, but you're going to have to be strong. You WILL get through this - not over it, but through it. WE will be here for you!!! Anytime you need us, you just come here.

My heart goes out to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and each day. One step at a time!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[Rose]

Today I found this site, as the computer is my constant companion as I do medical transcription on it as my work. I wanted to see if there was anything under "grief" that could possibly make me feel better and not so lonely. My precious husband of 36 years died suddenly at 1 a.m. on March 26, and I have felt like the world just needed to stop. How could it possibly go on? How could people be going about their lives as usual. The whole world has changed. I feel I have no reason to live. I miss him beyond words. He had a wonderful sence of humor. He was always coming in and stopping at my computer to give me an update on what he was doing in the garden on in his birdhouses he was building. I have only my mother who has Alzheimers to talk to, and she says, who is "Ralph?" "I can not remember him. That just hurts me to the bone. She does not know me at times. I have a son, but he does not live with me, and I see him occasionally when he comes by, and that helps. Reading what everyone has written has helped me because you feel so alone in this, as if you are the only one in the world who could possibly hurt this much. He died so suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack, and after waking me and telling me he felt bad and the details of how he felt, he started gasping for breath, and was gone within minutes. I felt so helpless. I still do. I feel I should have been able to do something, but EMS kept me on the phone asking me details while he continued to struggle. They told me not to hang up. I was in the next room. I felt I should have been in the room with him. I have anger toward the way the call was handled. They should have instructed me about CPR instead of asking me questions and telling me I had to answer the questions, when I could hardly think. By the time I got back to him, he was no longer breathing. I regret I did not try to do CPR. I did not even think of it. They should have mentioned it. Maybe if he had lived, he would be worse off if he had no oxygen for awhile, but I wish he would have had a fighting chance. This has caused me a lot of distress in knowing I might could have saved him if I had thought to try to do CPR. Some people believe that we have an appointed time. I have never believed that, but I had a dream the same week he died on the Monday night before, and I dreamed my son died and he did not tell me until the next day. I told my husband of this dream, and he said "nothing" just looked at me like I wish you had not told me this dream. In reality, my son did not find out about his father's death until the next day. I think it is possible this could have been a warning, and maybe his death was inevitable, but I would feel so much better if I had just thought to try to do CPR. I had been trained in it, but I was so hysterical, I could not think of it, and the people at EMS dispatch did not even mention what do do if he stopped breathing, even though I told them he was "barely breathing" and actually he was gasping for breath. I keep seeing the whole thing over and over in my mind and wishing I had done something different and maybe I could have saved him. In fact, I can think of "nothing else" but his death at the present, though I try. I am finally doing some of my transcription work on the computer, but I still think of him all the time while I am typing. I do not know how to get past this. I do not know how to want to continue living as I do no want to right now. I am needed by my mother and my son, so I must somehow get stronger. I know Ralph (my husband) would have wanted me to be strong for our son, age 34, who is still somewhat dependent on us. My husband worked with him on the farm quite a bit, and was always helping him. They were very close. It is a great loss for him also, and his grief also makes me even sadder. I have virtually no one to talk to (do have friends I can call on the phone, but I feel it is "history" to them, and they are kind to me, but they really do not want to hear any more about it, that is how I feel. The people here are all having the same experience, and I am thankful to have found this site as I think it might help me not to feel so alone in this misery. I think to myself, other people get through this, (I had no idea it was so hard), and I have to do so, but I just wonder how to even begin to cope. Hearing others express how they feel makes one realize that others do not get through it any easier than I am doing. I loved my husband more than words can say, and in fact that was the last thing I said to him that night before leaving him in his chair in the living room and going into my mother's room to watch a movie with her and keep her company. I told him I appreciated what he had done for me that day (gone out and got my gout medicine and carried the pill and water in to me, told me I should rest that day if I was not feeling good, and he would call me if my mother needed me as he was going to work on planting his tomatoes) HOW could I know it would be him who would DIE THAT NIGHT. I told him as I passed his chair going into my mom's room, "I appreciate what you have done for me today, and what you do all the time, and I LOVE YOU." It was the last I was to talk to him until he got me up when he died (within 10 minutes of my awakening to find him sick). I wish he had told me sooner. He said he had been having trouble breathing when he went to bed, but he just thought it would pass. If he had gotten help then, he may have made it. I am not sure if it was a heart attack or congestive heart failure. They did not find out at the hospital. I just have regrets. It is like "He should not have died!!" He was only 64, and he I had no clue he was that sick. I knew he had gallstones, and I think we both thought that maybe was what was wrong, but we had little time, until he just starting gasping for breath and died. I just keep reliving this. How can I stop? How can I possibly go on with my life? I know I must, but I do not want too. I do not mean to feel sorry for myself and in this group, it is obvious everyone shares the same misery. It is a feeling like I have never, ever felt before. I told myself I was able to be happy before I met him and did not feel so lost??? But that was 36 years ago. I was only 23 years old. We have been constant companions for so long that he was a part of me. I feel like part of me is missing. The trees are so green and the birds are singing, and my ears are deaf. I can see no beauty. He loved the Spring time so, and he loved to plant the garden and even sold vegetables and tomato plants out of his greenhouse. He was so looking forward to winter being over and getting to plant his tomatoes. He already had them starting under florescent lights in the house. He was excited about ordering the seed. He was so looking forward to Spring, but this was one Spring he was not to have. There is no way I can enjoy it. The beauty in it just makes me sick. Our poplar tree is all bloomed out. He loved that tree as we got it when it was just a little tree, and moved it three times to where it is now. He said he was not moving it again. He loved this little place. The cat misses him. She sat in his lap everynight and he brushed her. She looks lost about that time every night as if she is looking for him. I wonder how a person stops feeling this because I know it is not doing him any good, and he would want me to be strong, and to work hard so I could help our son Matt, and to go on. He was a calm, collected person. He would want me to handle this better than I am doing. He would know I would miss him, but he would want me to be strong, and feeling so miserable is not helping him, but I do not know how to stop. Does time really help as people say???? It is nearly two months now. At first, I could not comprehend it, and I could even laugh, I was in shock. I do not even hardly remember the funeral. Now, I have no joy at all, and I can not stop thinking of him every minute of every hour. I feel his presence all the time as if he should be walking in the door. Since we both worked out of our home, (I have done medical transcription for 10 years at home, and he farmed), we were closer. He worked all day, but about 5 p.m. or 6 p.m. (later in the summer), he would come in for super. I keep expecting to see that truck back up coming back from Matt's farm, and he should walk in the door, but he doesn't of course. I try to sleep when I get so depressed I can not stand it any more, and I can forget for awhile. I asked the doctor for an antidepressant, Wellbutin, and I have taken only two -- so far, not helped, but maybe it takes time. I know this is too long, but I could go on and on and on, but that is enough for now. Rose

[Guest PattiZ54]

Oh, Rose, my heart breaks for you!!! I am SO sorry for the loss of your beloved husband Ralph. The night he passed had to have been the scariest night of your life and I can understand how you could feel "guilty". I am sure that everyone here feels "guilty" in some respect. You HAVE to remember that everything happened so quickly and you were not able to think clearly and I'm sure that Ralph does not want you blaming yourself for any of what took place. I do think that the EMS people should have said something to you about CPR. Sometimes I think that those kinds of professions stick too much "to the book" in regards to procedure and "redtape" and don't pay enough attention to humanity. If someone calls and says someone is not breathing or they are having trouble breathing, you would think that their priority would be to GET the person back breathing properly...I guess they need to get all the facts before they can properly assess the situation and sometimes by that time, it's too late. I am sorry that you had to go through that!!

I lost my beloved husband, Charlie, 18 months ago. He passed within 7 weeks of being diagnosed with cancer; so it was pretty quick. He was only 46 years old - way too young to be gone already. I can tell you that time does make it easier, but it's something you will never get over. You will be in "shock" for a while (that's why you don't remember his funeral) and then slowly things will get easier. I still miss Charlie more than I could ever tell anyone, but I DO go on. I have a daughter and 3 grandkids, that mean the world to me,(and they did to him, too) and I know that Charlie wants me to continue on and make sure that I see the grandkids grow up. It's a one day at a time thing, you know? One day, one minute, one second at a time. That's the best you can promise anyone at this point. Having lost the one person that meant everything to you; that you wanted to spend eternity with - no one knows what it is like or how they will react until they go through it. You have to take care of yourself! I know you don't want to and you will just have to force yourself to, but you have to! You do need to be strong for your son - as you said, Ralph would want you to.

That's what they say....that everyone has a predetermined time, but it's always been a hard thing for me to believe in. I don't know..I'm not a hugely religious person - sometimes it's very hard for me to believe in God.

I CAN promise that if you keep coming here and writing about your feelings, that a lot of great people will write back. We have all been where you are and we are here for you! People here have some GREAT advise on how to try to make your grieving a little easier.

We hope to hear from you soon, Rose. My thoughts are with you!! Take care of yourself.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

"But I'd trade all o' my tomorrows for one single yesterday"

from Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin

[Bebekat]

Rose,

Ths pain in your first post yesterday is so obvious. I am so sorry you have to go through this and I can relate to your feelings. I lost my husband Tom just over a year ago and still feel that pain. Two months is no time at all. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve. There are no set rules. Our hearts govern when we will feel better. It doesn't happen all at once...maybe just a little better with each day that passes. It is not an easy thing to go through, in fact it is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. You loved your husband and let him know it. There is nothing more you could have done and it does no good to beat yourself up over it.

Writing seems to be one of your strong points and may be one of the most therapuetic things you can do right now. Just putting all that anger on paper gets it out of you. Reading also helps. If you read previous posts to this site, there are lists of books to read. "Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman", has been a big help to me. I just wish I had found it sooner. It contains daily meditations and readings. Visit this site often. It is full of good people with big hearts. We get "it".

I haven't had the opportunity to read through your second post entirely, but it seems interesting. Keep Ralph forever in youir heart. He knows you love him. No one can ever take that from you.

[kayc]

Rose,

Your first post reflects your utter grief and pain, one we can all relate to. You said

EMS kept me on the phone asking me details while he continued to struggle. They told me not to hang up. I was in the next room. I felt I should have been in the room with him. I have anger toward the way the call was handled.

...that is exactly how I felt when my husband died. He had just turned 51 and I was at my sister's reunion and I got word that he'd had a heart attack (we hadn't known he'd had heart trouble) and was in the hospital. By the time I got there and the other visitors left, they moved him up to ICU "where they could keep a better eye on him". They finally let me in to see him and he was asleep. I held his hand and stroked his arm while I watched him sleep and I prayed. He woke up having a heart attack and I ran for help. They started doing their lifesaving attempts but they threw me totally off the floor. I found a little room to pray in and after an endless time they came to tell me...This isn't what he would have wanted, he would have wanted me with him, we were so close, we were always together, always there for each other, I loved him so much and that love will never die. But I too felt they overstepped their bounds by making me leave my husband's side...I wasn't in the way or any problem, and if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have even known he was having a heart attack, they weren't paying any attention to him and nothing beeped or alerted them...it was me who noticed, the me that he always called his little one, his heart and soul. I wish I could have been there as he was ushered into eternity, but I guess God decided he had to do that alone, I only hope he realizes how very much I will always love him and how much he meant to me, I'm sure he does, how could he not.

Rose, you have to forgive yourself for not being able to do more, it is very understandable that you couldn't think, how could you, your very life was passing before your eyes! It is up to the professionals to do better, for they should be levelheaded and thinking, they don't have a vested interest in this person, they can be more calm, but with it they have an obligation to the rest of us to do their best and to be sensitive to us in our time of need. It is the hardest thing any of us will ever face, and most of us will experience it at some time in our lives.

You seem to be able to express yourself through writing and that is very healthy, just keep getting it out, that's the important thing, don't hold it in or isolate yourself unduly, you are welcome to share with us at this site at any time. Our heartfelt prayers go with you.