A Year On

[amanda]

hi everyone,

sorry i havent been around for a bit but ive had major dajavous,It was my sons 18th birthday on the 1st may,on his 17th i flew out to the usa then the day i came back i had to go to my sons final as he is a soccer referee.this year he was given the same final,everything ive been doing just takes me back to last year.

tommorrow 16th may is the first anniversary of my mums death,I dont feel any better and dont know if i ever will.

I keep on wondering what the point in life is,why are we here?

I didnt feel the same as this when my dad died,not that i didnt love him as much as my mum.

While im feeling sorry for myself i also feel guilty as my best friends mum was murdered almost 2 years ago now and i have not been a great support to her since i lost my mum,I have tried to be there for her but not making a very good job of it.

A year on and life still seems hard,I know my mum would tell me to pick myself up and enjoy life but it just isnt that easy

amanda

[Maylissa]

Amanda,

No, one year anni's aren't easy at all! Even if we've made progress throughout the year, those specific markers just seem to bring everything up all over again and DO seem to make so many of us feel like life, and our own lives, is/are pointless. This is when the concept of Time doesn't serve us well. Much as it's easier said than done, or practised, don't worry...after some more of that time has passed, you'll likely get back more into the 'groove' of your grief journey, without the added pressure your mom's anniversary brings with it. You might try comparing how you feel on the 16th to how you feel about 2 wks. after, if you can remember to try that. Just learn to expect that special dates are going to throw a further wrench into the works, as even that little bit of knowledge seems to take a wee bit of the edge off it. Plus, in your case, having to do things that take you back to last year makes it that much more difficult.

As for not being able to support your friend as much as you would have liked, please, cut yourself some slack, as no one who's grieving themselves is anywhere near up to par on ANY level, much less being a support for someone else! And if you feel that bad about it, maybe you could just try explaining that to your friend. Most of us who are mourning would surely understand, as we're in the same space already. This might even lead to further sharing for both of you, with each of you getting a bit more support inadvertantly, from each other.

Edited May 16, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Amanda,

Welcome back, good to hear from you again.

I think we all have read over and over and heard it from the experts, that grief has no time marker. And yet, I think many of us feel the pressure of time. I am even beginning to think to myself, it's been over a year, when is it going to get better, or when will things be "normal" again? Shouldn't I be more advanced in my handling of it than I am? So I have to sharply remind myself of all the times I've heard that it takes a long time (sometimes years) and that this is ok and normal.

I have often had the "what is life all about....or is it worth all the pain we go through....or why are we all here and what the devil are we suppose to be doing, feeling. And like Maylissa said, the reminders for you would add to those feelings, so be nice to yourself and know you are ok and what you're feeling is ok.

I think Maylissas advice about your friend is a good idea. Maybe just write her a quick card saying, sorry I haven't been there more, I'm just going through a rough patch right now, but I am thinking of you. Or something like that. I'm sure she will understand.

Hugs,

Shell

[amanda]

hi shell and maylissa,

thank you for your advise and thanks for being here.I know that it can take a long time to grieve but i want to get over it ,my poor husband thinks ive turned in to an alien,Someone he doesnt know,Im short tempered totally unlike me.

I need to find a way to get through this but im lost for ideas,I wish someone would do something so i could shout and scream and let some of my anger and hurt out.

I must sound tike a right looney tune i know i feel like one .

Today a year on i cant cry i almost feel numb apart from my stomach being tied up in knots.

I am going to keep busy today,tommorrow is my husbands birthday so i have to keep happy for that,I cant be a depressed bore,can I?

again thank you both

amanda

[Maylissa]

Amanda,

Grief changes us in some ways anyway, like it or not, although I don't expect your shortness of temper will last forever. It's very hard for spouses, I think, especially if they haven't gone through it themselves before, but even if they have, some folks simply ran from their own grief, so haven't dealt with it effectively yet.

Maybe after your husband's B-Day, you could try to really access that anger and all other feelings you may have buried, by sitting down and starting to purposefully explore them, for as long as you can handle in any one sitting? As they say, there's honestly no way around feelings, only through them, and the longer we repress them, the more trouble we're asking for down the road. It's no fun project, but it's also worth the pain, in order to get them out in the open where they can be released. For anger in particular, try to have something nearby ( like a sofa cushion )that you can punch the beejeezers out of if you need to! Or go and do something REALLY physical afterwards, to dispel that 'negative' energy in a constructive way.

[MartyT]

Amanda, dear,

It's been one full year since your mother's death, and you said:

I dont feel any better and dont know if i ever will . . . i want to get over it . . . I need to find a way to get through this but im lost for ideas,I wish someone would do something so i could shout and scream and let some of my anger and hurt out . . . i cant cry i almost feel numb apart from my stomach being tied up in knots. I am going to keep busy today,tommorrow is my husbands birthday so i have to keep happy for that,I cant be a depressed bore,can I?

Despite all your efforts to "get over it," Amanda, it seems as if your grief is still sitting there, patiently waiting for you to deal with it. It hasn't gone anywhere. Hard as you try to go numb and keep yourself from crying, your body resists and your stomach continues to churn. Hard as you work to keep busy and put on a happy face, you're still crying on the inside. Much as you "wish someone would do something," you really are the only person who can do whatever needs to be done here. As one wise man put it, "your family, friends and support group may help get you on the right path, but very early in the process you have to get behind the wheel. Only you can complete the road to recovery."

You say you need to find a way to get through this, but you're at a loss for ideas. In addition to the wise advice you've already received from Shell and Maylissa, I want to point you to one of the earlier posts in this forum that deals with delayed grief, as I think may be helpful to you, too. It appears under the topic, Grieving 7 Years After Death, dated April 15, 2005. Click on this link to go directly to it:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...1628entry1628

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Kasey06]

Yeah, all the occasions and anniversaries are so tough. It's been about 18 months since my mom passed away. My mom died on halloween so not only is it a day that I dread but it's a day that is a holiday. All the stores get decorates, tv shows all doing halloween specials, packaging on food even changes. I dread going anywhere on that day and although I am no superstitious or anything there is no way I can go to the cemetary on halloween. I don't know if i'll ever be able to face halloween as just a holiday. Even though it's been 18 months I still can't get beyond the pain and shock. Her death wasn't expected and she was only 42, I was only 21. I found her. Hopefully one day i'll be able to think of her and remember the good memories and times we shared. Hopefully I won't just have the horrible memories and images from that night. Evern though the 2nd anniversary of her death is months away I am already dreading it. I don't think there is anything that can be done or said, that day just sucks. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries. I just try to function and get through. Hopefully one day i'll be able to do more that's not possible yet....

~Crystal~

[amanda]

marty t,

I went to my doctors yesterday and he said i suffering with anxiety so he put me on meds and has referred me to a grief councilor,I really hoping this will help.I know i need to deal with this.

Thank you for the advice.

I feel american people are more in touch with thier feeling and us english are expected to put a brave face on no matter what has happened,I think its the way i was raised,my dad was old english he was 59 when i was born and fought in ww2,he would always say he went through the war and people wouldnt let things get them down so why was a letting something get me down i should pick myself up and enjoy life.Being upset was something my dad wouldnt tolerate.

I suppose i was always seen as the strong one out of my sisters and me and have always tried to be there for them although i am the youngest,im not feeling very strong now and im going to be selfish and have some me time.

Thank you so much marty.

kasey,

Its good to know that someone else relates im really sorry for the loss of your mum,I do know how you feel,my mums death was unexpected to,i dont know if you have read my other posts but she went on holiday to america and got pneumonia,she died 5 weeks later over there,shock and disbelief yeah i can relate.

One day hopefully i will be able to go back to orlando and do all the thing my mum wanted to do,i will do it for her.

I wish she had got to enjoy her vacation before she got sick,it wasnt to be.

I know halloween is a big holiday in the usa and the minute decorations go up in the shops ect memories must come flooding back for you almost as if it has gone back in time and makes you feel you are reliving the nightmare,how awful ,I wish you luck in your journey through grief, you are a brave young women who sounds very level headed and seems to be coping better with this than me .

good luck kasey06

all my love

amanda

[STARKISS]

Hi Amanda,

I am sorry for all your pain, but it is true you have to deal with the grief and slow but sure it will go away. I lost my mom in April 2005 and eventhough it has been a year I still had lots and lots of emotions that show up daily. I miss her and the stories and the times we spent together. I am on medication and I have attended a hospice group for almost a year and I also see a grief counsellor. Even doing all the things I am I still have alot of problems still. So I really do not know how you are feeling but I can atleast say I somewhat feel the same way. I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts Take care shelley

[amanda]

hi shelly,

thank you for your kind words.thats the great thing about this site is that the people on here dont judge you for how you are feeling,where as people that have not lost anyone think it should be over after the funeral.how wrong the are and they unfortunaly will find out one day.Us survivors of grief will be there to help them through it.

take care

loads of love

amanda

[shell]

Amanda,

You mentioned in May that your doctor put you on some meds. I was wondering if that has helped you at all? I, too, had to go on meds and they helped a lot, so I hope they helped you too. They aren't magic and you still have very rough days, but they helped me cope better. I so hope things are a little better for you.

A very big hug to you,

Shell

[amanda]

hi shell,

i hope your doing ok.

the meds are helping.the palatations have stoped and im not so scared of everything.

im trying to change my life a little.Im learning to ride my daughters pony so that we spend more time together,i want to make the most of the time while she is young.Im also training to be a driving instuctor,i need to see a future and by trying to plan a little ahead it is helping a little.giving me something to get up for and live for.

I still have bad days well alot of them seem that way but i know one day i will be happpy again,i know i have to give it time and allow myself to be upset.

so yaeh life is a bit better.

speak to you soon

loads of love

amanda

[Charlie1]

Amanda,

As painful as it is, having a "stiff upper lip" won't allow for an opportunity for some real growth. Far as I can tell reading through postings on this board, grief will come and haunt us again so we best get done with it the first time. I have benefited from sharing here and I know you will too. If you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of those you have around you.

I wish you growth and wisdom on your journey.

Charlie1

[shell]

Amanda,

I'm so glad that you are doing better. I think keeping active and planning for the future is wonderful. You are definitely taking positive steps and that will help you a lot, I think. Good luck.

Love and hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Amanda,

I too agree with what Shell said, I too are trying to look to the future. As you probably know I lost both parents within four months last year. I live with a sister and her family and I am getting my life back on track one step at a time.. Take care Shelley

[amanda]

starkiss,

it must have been awful losing your parents so close together.

its bad enough having 12 years between my mum and dad,although i do have a wonderful stepdad who is just recovering from cancer he was diagnosed 11 weeks after i lost my mum.fingers crossed he seems to be doing better now.

you said you live with your sister and her family,it must be nice to be able to support each other my sisters live 130 miles from me and i tend to do most of the supporting but they are great and i love them loads.

take care

loads of love

amanda

[STARKISS]

Thanks Amanda,

I hope that your stepdad gets better and better each day, And I am sorry for the loss of your mom.. I just wanted to thank you for your post you wrote to me.. It was so nice to hear someone who really cares for you no matter if you know them or not.. I am doing much better since I moved in with the family, At first it was hard to deal with the changes but now it is okay... Take care and God Bless You Shelley