Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Six Month Anniversary

Recommended Posts

Today will be six months since Larry died. Six months?? It feels like yesterday. It doesn't seem possible that that much time has passed. I don't understand what has happened since the day he died. Time has changed. My world has changed. Every relationship has changed. But yet I am begging God to let me have my old life back. Anything but this pain. I truly don't know if I have the strength to do this. Everything I knew and loved left in an instant. I don't think I have taken a deep breath since that day. I'm getting so tired of trying to hold up under this grief. I'm tired of peoples excuses as to why they haven't been there for me. I'm tired of my feelings being challenged. I'm tired of debating what I should be doing right now. I'm tired of explaining myself over and over. I'm so tired of doing this alone. Someone said to talk to God. I don't know what God is right now or what I believe about heaven. I don't know anything anymore. I want to hear Larry's voice and see his face. That's all I want.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Larrysgirl,

Oh god – I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you that would make this journey you are on – we are on – any easier. But unfortunately it is just hard. I am at nearly 10 months without Jack – and the tears are still a daily companion.

It is unfortunately a lonely road - this grieving process – and the feeling of abandonment is present in every single fellow griever who I have talked with. It is a terrible fact of life that those who should be closest to us - during our most urgent time of need – just do not “get it” and want us to be “over it” and on with our lives. But – the fact that this pain is deep and that you – and I - and all the others on this grief site are in such pain - is because we are in fact facing our grief. Those who burry their grief - will end up dealing with it at another point and time – and in a deeper fashion. Those who continue to make excuses for not being there in a time of need – will never understand the depths of this pain until it is personally faced – until they lose a mate – the one they have spent every moment of life with. Grief unfortunately re-writes your address book for you.

I do not profess to be “grand” religious person – but I have gained a great sense and feeling of spirituality – I truly believe that I carry Jack with me in my heart – and I know your Larry is with you in your heart. It’s what is inside our hearts that will eventually allow us to keep our lost loves safely tucked inside each of us – and also allow us to move forward with our lives. I truly believe that “The God” in all of us exists inside our heart - each and every one of our hearts. And I also believe that this is where we find our lost loved ones – in our hearts. What we do with our lives – how we incorporate the best of who they were into our own existence - from this point forward - is the challenge before those of us left to grieve.

I ran across the following quotations recently from a book I have been reading called “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. For me they provide some comfort – something to hang on to through these deep dark days of grief. Perhaps they will help you as well. Here they are each one listed separately:

“What you are is what you have been. What you will be is what you do now.”

“If you want to know your past life. Look into your present condition; if you want to know your future, look at your present actions.”

“There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; my philosophy is kindness”.

‘His noble face is more alive to me now than any of the faces of the living, and in his eyes I always see that light of transcendent wisdom and transcendent compassion that no power in heaven or earth can put out”.

‘Whatever you do with your life will make you what you are when you die. And everything – absolutely everything counts”.

Your Larry lives on in you – My Jack lives on in me – and both of them and all the mates of those who grieve on this site - want their spirits to continue on in the ones they loved so much. That is now the task before us.

Because he has been here, I will be different than I would have been. I will have to become his legacy. He travels with me into tomorrow. He may have died, but love never ends.

My best to you - and all those who are suffering the pain from the loss of your partner.

John – Dusky is my handle on here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry your pain is so searing. I can not remember 6 months. In three weeks I will cross the year mark. I can not remember last week. Living in the moment has become my new life that I did not want. And the moments are empty. I no longer wish for what was because it can not be. I only wish for peace and direction until I can be with Gene once more. I've always turned to God when I could not carry a burden. Now I search for God as I do Gene. Grief and pain are my only companions but I still hope. I would have gone with Gene if God had let me.

I had a really bad week last week and met this little lady at a birthday party for a friend who turned 80. Everyone was talking about grand-chldren and I asked how many children she had. She said she had never married and giggled that she had been told she was lucky to have never had a husband. At that moment memories flooded my mind. How truely blessed I have been to have Gene's love. I am in pain but I am loved. It never would have been long enough but it's not over.

Hold on....you alone have Larry's love....you alone have the memories no one else shares. Nothing else matters but you and Larry. You travel with your grief your way. When others don't want to listen anymore or have some insentive insight about how you are to live your life, where they think you should be at this stage, we will be here to listen and understand. We are all tired and worn down and I suspect most of us are still unable to decide if it's worth it to get out of bed in the morning. I talk to Gene all day and pray God let's Gene feel my love always. It is lonely but you carry Larry with you. You are loved!

Always Gene!


Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys really outdo yourselves, I love you. Dusky, your quotes from that Tibetan book are really wonderful, I especially loved ‘His noble face is more alive to me now than any of the faces of the living, and in his eyes I always see that light of transcendent wisdom and transcendent compassion that no power in heaven or earth can put out”.

Evelyn, What you shared is beautiful too, it expresses how I feel...both of you have shared what I and all of us have been through. I feel stronger because I have had to learn to assert myself in ways I never would have before, when people try to run all over me and tell me what I should or shouldn't do or feel...yet I feel more distant from God now too, I was always so close to Him before...sometimes I wonder where He is...even though I know He's faithful, it doesn't feel like it...I know we aren't supposed to go by feelings, they were never meant to be a barometer but rather are more like a release valve or expression...I know we are to go by faith and my faith tells me I'll see my George again and we'll share the longest hug and everything will be all right again.

Larry's girl, of course you feel all the things you said, it's totally normal, you are where you are supposed to be, where the rest of us have all been...I wish I had something really positive and encouraging I could impart to you, but all I know is, we don't learn to like it but we can learn to accept what we have to even though we don't want to, and we are surviving somehow. Keep airing your feelings, it helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so grateful to Dusky, KayC, and ustwo for adding a message. I was struggling yesterday. I know we are all weary, I just wanted to say thank you. When I first came to this site months ago (guest Deborah) you three (and WaltC) gave me understanding and hope and a glimpse of things to come. I've felt so alone during this time as friends have stepped away and everyone has proceeded on with their lives. I actually felt sad that the only relief I got was from coming here, to complete strangers and spilling out my feelings. I've come to realize today that, THANKFULLY, I can come here and I do have ALL of you to help me by letting me share my sadness. You may not be here in person, but I now realize that doesn't matter. Its that I feel alittle better by being here, writing, reading and crying for all of us. I don't have the answer as to whether I can go on without him but as you have stated, he is in my heart, and he will always be with me. I love him still. Thanks my friends!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I certainly relate to feeling exhausted dealing with so much grief every single day. My wonderful friend Anne sent me a post-it note with the following saying; I put it on my mirror so I see it every night before I go to bed.

"Courage does not always roar. Some times it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for that quote. I was also given a quote, and even though it's hard to see anything being as good in the future, still, faith keeps you hoping that something will arise that is good...you don't compare before and after, but rather learn to treasure what is and is good. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Edited by kayc
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...