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Terra

Loss of my husband a year ago

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Lost my  husband a year ago,shot and killed  in the line of duty.Was a police officer which he was proud of his service.Remember the night a cop knocked on the door telling me he was shot during  a drug bust.Was rushed to the er,doctors tried to save him and told me the bad news.Died on the operating table.It was at first.I have the folded up flag which I was handed.I did get justice too,the man whom did it is serving a life sentence with no parole.I am raising his two sons on my own although I am not their bio mom

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I am so sorry, Terra.  I don’t know how long you were married, not that it matters really.  I cannot fathom being the wife of someone that literally puts their life in the line daily in service to others.  Such a noble job.  You still have part of him with his kids, but it won’t fill his void.  I’m not good at what to say to new members except I am also sorry you are here.  It’s a life saver, but all of us would rather be living our day to day life as we knew it.  Yours always had the risk mine didn’t.  I hope you will feel free to share your feelings with the large family here that understands grief fully as a 2nd language.  

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We were married 10  years.He was proud of me serving my time in the military,I did 8 years in the Marines.He always said I am like the  female version of the late R  Lee Ermey,one was seeing one Geico commercial

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Terra,

I am so sorry.  No matter how or when death strikes, it's life altering for those of us left grappling with it.  How old are your sons?  You may not be bio mom, but as it's you raising them, you are Mom.  Your husband was a hero, and you...thank you for your service.  I'm glad you saw justice.  People who can so casually take a life should not get out of prison.  JMHO

Welcome here, it is this place that was a lifesaver to me nearly 14 years ago when I lost my husband.  He was my best friend, soul mate, lover, partner, and losing him affected every aspect of my being.  I wrote this and hope something in it is of help to you either now or later on...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Terra, wanted to send some love and light to you and your sons.

First, thank you and your beloved husband for your service.  Both of you have paid the ultimate price.

"Anniversaries" are tough times.  There will be many, but hold your head up and walk through the grief with grace and gratitude for having your wonderful man share life with you.  And remember to pause in life to take a breath.

Your husband's soul is eternally connected to yours.  Don't doubt that for a moment.

Hugs,

~Shirley

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They are 14 & 16,Doing good now which I did see a therapist for help.I plan on going on the dating scene soon. He was a Warrant fan and said this song fit me when we met,

 

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I love that age (14 & 16) and remember it well.  I wish you well in your journey.

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 Wow, that song reminds me of my 20's.  What I thought (at the time) were immortal years.  We had a sing, Urgent by Forienger.  💕

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He was a loving dad to his sons.I remember his oldest came out 3 years ago as a crossdresser,told him he loves him no matter what.

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I love that, says a lot about him.  

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