Day One

[Anne7676]

Hello. My name is Anne and I lost my baby girl Izzy yesterday. I am usually a fairly practical person in life, and can accept things, and I know my feelings will get more comfortable with time, but this first day is so difficult for met, the first day going through all of the moments of routine that are no longer the same. Everything about her passing was as easy as it possibly could be, I think, under the circumstances,I had been caring for her declining kidneys for 15 months, all of her days were good until yesterday which was tough for her, and she took the guesswork out of knowing "when", it was clear that yesterday was the day she needed to go, so there was one kinda bad day is all. I love her so so much. I think the hard part is that I lived alone with Izzy for 12 years and have been unsuccessful socially since moving to CA 20 years ago. There is a lot I can tell you about what a wonderful perfect little dog she was, and how lucky I was to have her in my life for 12 years, and for getting 15 months after begging for just one more month after her health crisis a year ago February. But the issue I bring here, not knowing what this post will be like, but wanting to try getting some support somewhere, is that I am alone in my house, and my only friend just left to go camping yesterday, and  some casual friends have been helpful in texts and emails, but I am very frightened of my emotions right now and being physically alone is not helping, am trusting that this day will be the worst and hoping someone can confirm my thinking that tomorrow will be easier - ?

[MartyT]

My dear Anne, first let me say how sorry I am to learn of the death of your beloved baby girl Izzy yesterday, and please know that here, you are among fellow animal lovers who understand the pain and sorrow of losing a cherished fur baby. You ask if someone can confirm your thinking that tomorrow will be easier, and I cannot promise you that it will be, simply because everyone's grief journey is unique to the person experiencing it, and it is different for each of us. What I can say is that grief does not stay the same; it changes over time, just as you will change in your reactions to it. What matters most is what you DO with the time ~ and coming here, placing yourself among others who "get it", reaching out for compassion, understanding and support ~ these are all very positive steps, and indicate that you are willing to do what is necessary to heal from this devastating loss. Lean into your grief. Allow yourself to feel whatever thoughts and feelings may come up for you ~ and recognize them as the measure of your love for your precious Izzy. Remember that death may take a life, but love does not die. Love is forever, and your love for Izzy will stay with you always, just as long as you keep your memories of her alive in your heart and in your mind. I encourage you to do whatever you can to make sure that happens. Think of ways you can remember and memorialize your Izzy, celebrate whatever lessons you learned from her, and know that she lives forever in you. ♥

[kayc]

You have support here.  I can't tell you when it will get better, but it won't always be as it is today either.  You will always miss her but we gradually begin to adjust, it can take a while, but the stunning realization that she's gone is a hard one to sink in.  I am just beginning this journey again, this time with my dog (cancer) and I've lived alone for the most part of 14 years, I got my dog ten years ago and he's everything in the world to me.  I have friends but my best friend moved away a few years ago and other friendships are not like that one was, my dog literally is my best friend, companion, and protector.  i don't know how I'll live without him when that time comes.  It is the dreaded thing I have feared, come to pass.

Marty's last line is what I too wanted to say to you.

[Ryn]

Hi Anne, my little Bella had kidney disease also and we lost her almost 3 years ago now. I was devastated. She was almost 16 years old and the first night was the worst-I stayed up all night. The second day was terrible. I thought I could hear her barking and moving around in her bed area etc.... I was hearbroken and missed my friend every day. Grief is grief and when you love you grieve. It doesnt matter if its your human love or your pet love. All your heart and soul know is that they are not physically here with us anymore. 

But, it does get better. let yourself feel. You dont need to do anything differently-without love we would be lost-we must grieve. Keep checking on with this site and maybe other pet specific grief groups. It does help. You are not alone. Everything is going to be OK. 

While my Bella may not be physically here with me she is with me constantly in my heart and memories and I love her. She will always be my girl. 

[Anne7676]

Thank you so much, I am looking for ways to get through this, knowing it will get easier, and your kind and understanding words are so helpful. Today is Monday, and will be my first time through the workday routines without her. She went to work with me every day. So today will be hard, Tuesday will be easier. Amazing what a force she was in my life, how big a part she played. It is hard to understand how she could be just gone. This has been a profound experience, losing her to death.

[kayc]

I constantly have people telling me that losing their pet was harder than losing other family members...I believe it.  They are so accepting of us, they interact with us daily, so loving, and we take care of them, much as a child...and now I am going through it with my Arlie.  Cancer.  Bit by bit, until I have to make the call.  It's the hardest thing in the world, the thing I most feared.  He has been my companion, my best friend, my soulmate in a dog, my entertainer, my incentive, everything to me for over ten years.  I've lost many pets, I just don't know how I'm going to get through this one, how I'm going to live afterwards.  I imagine it will be much like losing my husband, although that was sudden death.  One day at a time.  Holding him always in my heart and my memories.

I know from the past that we adjust somewhat, little by little, I don't see how anything could be as hard as that first day.  It IS hard to comprehend.  It changes our lives completely.

I'm glad I believe in the hereafter.  I feel for those who do not, because it is my hope and comfort, that we'll be in a better place to never again say goodbye or be ripped apart.  We get through this one day at a time, any way we can.

I'm glad we have this place to come to and share our feelings.  it helps.

[Missing My Fancy]

Hello, Anne7676.

I'm deeply sorry about the passing of your Izzy. As others have already said, you have a place here to grieve and also to remember and honor your loved one.

Based off of what you wrote, it seems as though Izzy was your best friend. What an amazing thing to have your beloved pup accompany you to work! I understand the pain of no longer having a travel buddy, since I said goodbye to my best friend and travel companion, Fancy, over 2 months ago (typing things like that are still so hard for me). I loved her with all my heart and soul... and still do. Every time I went to visit my parents she went with me. She just loved them so much and they always spoiled her. She was a constant loving presence in my life. But not having her anymore has forced me (VERY unwillingly) to live in a different way. The same goes for you now that your companion is no longer with you (in body, anyway).

Speaking from my own experience, the passing of time has made the emotional trauma less severe and the bouts of grief less frequent but my grieving process is still far from over. Just when I think I might have reached the end something triggers me and I dissolve into a blubbering mess. Just a little bit ago I saw my Fancy girl's carrier in the living room and I felt compelled to kiss it which then brought on a fit of sobbing which then prompted me to visit this board after not dropping by for a while. But it's important for these moments to run their course because each little fit of sobbing takes a tiny piece of the grief away so that in time the pain won't be as much of a burden.

Through all of this I hope you're able to focus on the fact that your Izzy was well-loved, had a wonderful life and that you made the most merciful decision you could in order to help her. Please remember you're not alone during this journey through grief. Sending thoughts of peace and healing your way.

[Anne7676]

Today is Day 5.  I just went through sort of a "panic" over did I do everything I could for Izzy on her last day?  Intellectually, I know I did everything I could, every single day, I cared for her for 15 months after she first got sick, I did absolutely everything that the doctor told me to and I told her I loved her constantly for 15 months, and we woke up each morning and were vocally grateful to have another day.  I do not understand why I am panicking over this right now.  It's temporary, I know, and I am breathing a little better now, but I am reliving that last day and really don't need to. I would like to know that this panicky thing is normal or perhaps understand why I did it (hopefully it won't happen again!) I knew Friday morning that she was having trouble breathing, and I even asked her if that was the day for her to go.  We went to work, and her breathing worsened a bit, and we had already called in the morning and set a vet appointment at 3:30. I left work at noon, for the sole purpose of spending time with her in case it really was the end. At about 2pm she got a bit worse, then worse yet in the doctor's office. So things really did go relatively easy, her doctor was there for her, I was there for her, many of the vet techs that she knows well were there for her.  Why the panic today that I didn't do enough?  This is so uncomfortable!  But temporary.

[kayc]

Yes anxiety is common in grief.  
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html
https://www.nextavenue.org/anxiety-stage-grief/
It's also common to go over and over everything in your mind.  We're looking for a way to a different outcome, but there is none.

[Anne7676]

Thank you so much, I always feel a bit better when I have information!  I guess when I was thinking this morning that I had this grief thing pretty much handled, the Universe stepped in to give me a reality check, lol.  What a roller coaster.

[kayc]

Grief certain is a roller coaster!  You described that right!

[Harry‘s Daddy]

Day one for me today, I am devastated. You are not alone.

[Anne7676]

Days 12 & 13:  Wow - thought things were getting better, and then I fell back into tears yesterday, and found myself looking for her everywhere and not seeing her. I suppose this is also normal, but it is very painful. And makes working at my job difficult.  I think part of what is going on is that I am merging the grief with an overall sense of loneliness. I get that I need to fix my life, but this is really really hard.  ~Anne

[Anne7676]

Oh, Harry's Daddy, much comfort and love and peace to you as you start through this! Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone, it does help some.  You are not alone, either. ~Anne

[kayc]

@Harry‘s Daddy  I'm sorry I missed your post.  It's hard, no matter how it happens or when.  

@Anne7676  Many of us look to our pets to fill that emotional void, they do such a good job of it, until they die.  But anyone can die at any time, leaving us bereft...I lost my husband 14 years ago, my mom and sister since and many pets...the thought of losing my Arlie is horribly hard, I'm trying to appreciate each day I have left with him.  His cancer diagnosis feels like a sentence around my neck.  Wishing you comfort and peace.

[Anne7676]

I just wanted to check in and say that things did get easier. But the first three weeks were some of the hardest of my life! The anxiety was the worst. i think it was from having her in my daily routines 24/7, and then she was absent, I was lost with nothing to hang on to. I could not understand her absence. But am making peace with it now, 6 weeks later. I am historically alone a lot (when not at work) and that was always fine - until I didn't have my dog. Now I am really understanding why I need to establish some sort of a community, a social life. The thing I needed the most during the first three weeks, and still now, is people around me and with me. It was so awful at first being really alone with a very limited social support system!  Thanks for the space I was given here, wishing all so much peace.

[kayc]

Wishing you the best, going forward.