Dimming the light

[Gwenivere]

I passed a park today that we frequented it’s our dogs for years.  A beautiful place with a lake and gazebo.  Benches on the shores.  Digs would swim and there are lots of ducks.  Across from it are homes whose back yards give them access to it.  It had 2 iron horses as you drove by that people would decorate for holidays or drape flower necklaces on.  It is now al torn up and building machinery is everywhere. I couldn’t read fast enough in traffic it’s planned use, but I’m guessing housing of some sort.  So many memories flooded me and I wanted to cry. Why destroy such a beautiful place for money?  I remember sitting on a bench one day and well, having an intimate experience that blew Steve’s mind.  Mr. Macho was scared people would see, but it became something we treasured as a memory.  I couldn’t use it now for my age, but I loved passing it to see how the horses were dressed and seeing people with their dogs playing.  The ducks would always come by begging until they saw the dogs and move far out taunting them.  It feels like a personal loss aimed at me.  I’m so tired of losing connections to a wonderful past.  It hurt to go by, yet it triggered warm feelings.  If it were to enhance it, that would be OK.  But to see it bulldozed?  I’ve already seen 3 other places torn down that made our neighborhood so nice and cozy for business or apartments just adding more people and cars and making traffic worse.  The almighty dollar trumps neighborhood coziness.  It’s hearbtraking.  Also found out one neighbor that mowed my lawn when he did theirs moved out.  I’m not close to any of the others for help moving things.  Steve being gone is hard enough.  This erasure of the past just hits so hard.

seeing a new shrink tomorrow if I can get there.  I just want to pull the covers over me and disappear.  I’ was already having anxiety about it.  It’s a long drive and I feel like I’ve given up already, beyond help.  My meds may not cut it.  I’m hoping they do.  Hope he has lots of Kleenex.

[kayc]

Gwen,

You are right about the changes, not all of them good.  I lost a neighbor a year ago and the place still stands empty.  So many changes to the neighborhood in recent years.  Your memory of this place sounds beautiful.  I was raised in Eugene, some places there are still the same but many more have changed.  In my mind's eye, it remains as it was, so that when I drive down there, it looks foreign and weird to me, the changes unsettling.  Nothing stays the same.  I remember Eugene as it was, before it was a metropolitan city, before there was crime or Slug Queens (only in Eugene!).  I remember it when there were 36,000 people, not the 171,000 there are today.  Shows how old I am.  I remember fields we could run and play in, now it's overrun with buildings and traffic like all the other cities.  I remember when Amazon Park went in, now even it has changed.

For you it is harder to see the changes because your memories are tied in with Steve, becoming a part of you as a couple, your history and memories combined.

One thing I found weird, George grew up in the Roseburg area, usually little towns nearby, but I found out he lived a couple miles from me when I was a young teenager, taking apples from a tree on Gasoline Alley, a place up 30th street freeway, not far from my childhood home.  We were so close but would have to wait years before meeting each other.

 

[Gwenivere]

We are so sensitive to death now.  Was checking my PO Box and a vet is next door.  My perfect timing?  They were picking up the euthanized animals.  So sorry to post this Kay after your loss, but it just broke my heart. Couldn’t tell Steve, so had to tell my family here.

love you guys!

[kayc]

I'm glad we took Arlie with us.  Paul didn't trust the crematories, I feel better knowing where he is, even though his spirit is gone from his body...he's lying next to Skye, my son's dog, they were like brothers as Skye and Paul were living here off and on when I got Arlie.