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I’ve been struggling with multiple health and emotional issues for months.  I feel the life force, for lack of better words, being drained daiy. I’ll lay in bed in the morning without even the energy to move or pull up a pillow for between my legs to stop pain.  The thought of having to get dressed and face another day creates such apathy.  I read about melancholia and feeling nothing.  I had that for weeks.  Now I feel dread as I know something will happen to deal with and I don’t care about anything.  I slog thru the day til I can go back to sleep.  My latest nemesis is medical issues every single day.  I had hoped (silly me) for a week without any and had to go in for an appointment yesterday for med side effects.  I had no plans with any doctor this week.  Now from this visit I have to call and make another appointment with a mental health med person to see if I can have the meds I’ve been taking for decades renewed.  The docs now want to use antidepressants solely for anxiety disorders.  I sit there and go hmmmmm, but the meds I’m on work and have for decades.  I’m having anxiety just typing this because now they are a problem focus that I never had to worry about.  That’s just the medical side and there’s more to it, but I’ll spare you that.

my dog needs eye surgery.  She’s my last link to our once happy family.  My mind is so scrambled by new meds and apathy that I spent one evening on the phone with Direct TV because I messed up and was in the wrong input to my DVR and didn’t see it.  I felt so rediculous and embarrassed for something so obvious.  The appointment I had yesterday I had to call back iafter a couple of minutes because I couldn’t remember the time.  

I cancelled my therapy session today to adhere to the 24 hour notice.  My therapist said that’s fine but call him if I feel I can make it up to 1 hour before.  I haven’t seen either of my counselors in 2 weeks because of med crap.  After being in the ER last week, I know that is no answer as they are for immediate care they can fix and send you back to your doctors.  So where do you go when you feel like you are dead and you always get the 'we'll get you better' spiel when you have nothing to get better for?  The only motivation is I’m tired of feeling like crap.  Not wanting to eat or do anything anymore.  I’m so tired if the silence and redundancy of the days before I go out and do some errands just to get out of here.  Now I am a ghost seeing all the life going on, the laughter, the anger, just.....life and feel I’m invisible now.  I get so many 'have a good evening' I could puke.  Yah, it will be wonderful.  Limping around, dragging oxygen tubing and eating the easiest stuff when I/we ate healthy.  Talked about the world, be it our back yard or some huge controversial topic.  My fur babies rally, but for their carrots and curl up in contented sleep. 

My best time is about an hour before bed.  Some wine and a feeling a warmth it gives inside.  Then maybe 3 hours I live in a better place where I am alive.  Sometimes I see Steve, sometimes it’s just being with people and having purpose.  But it’s all a dream that is snuffed out when reality hits.  It’s been slow but consistent how much more I keep losing.  Even my neighbor hood has become ugly and sterile as the old homey places are being replaced with apartments to cram more people in here.  Gone are the days it was cozy and we all knew each other.  

Back to the TV background and video games til bedtime.  Have to make that medical call and pray I can get some therapy.  Something for the inner me wherever she is.  I’ve lost her.  I saw an old journal entry I wrote that said 'when he died, he took half of me with him'.  Being half a person is not working well.  I need everything about him.  I guess some us flourish or adapt better than others.  I’m happy for those that do.  I know they still have pain.  But to live again with it.....wow!  I never knew this part of me.  That his is how I would react. Up to almost five years ago, even with the cancer, I had the most precious thing to me, his love.  I loved him too much.  The kicker is I can’t cry anymore.  

 

Edited by Gwenivere
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Gwen, oh how i sympathise with you, as i too have a serious illness that makes me think on the odd days that it is pointless in carrying on, it should have been me and not him, as you see...I have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, yes diagnosed four years ago at age 64 on the same date that my partner Richard of almost 20 years passed away in his armchair at home mid day of a heart blockage, 11th April just four months ago..So here i am forging myself ahead, de-cluttering and getting things in order for when the solicitor business is over with...preparing myself just in-case of an on the market selling up move..yet what future have i got facing me when my Richard wont be in it, nor moving with me...

I am afraid of my now future as I am fully aware it could go either way, a bad move or a good move, i am also aware that i have had my life, 68 years of it, or rather my best part of my life is over with, yes almost touching 20 years where I had never had life so good and easy...I feel now i am back to square one, single again after having my Richard a part of my life for the past 20 years, and taking care of all household bills, maintenance etc, etc, i had no responsibility whatsoever...I now feel so alone and empty from going to the person i was living in a nice house, with my forever partner and three gorgeous loves of my life, fur-babies, now all three plus Richard have now gone, it is just me left now and i dont like this one bit as i was meant to go before him, not the other way around..My life can go one of two ways, it can either go up, or it can go down...I am hoping and praying that I still have some happiness to look forwards to, a life that i feel is worth living...Yes i too have lost " me, " just hope that one day in the future i find " me " again...

Jackie...

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Gwen, I hear every word you say.  I relate to some of it even though my overall health is better because for the most part I'm on my own and my feet have so many things wrong with them, they hurt all the time and my hands are so arthritic, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.  I'm tired.  I hope and pray your little one can get the needed eye surgery.  4/22 I went for my routine physical and was overwhelmed with how many appointments were brought on by it.  I still haven't had the colonoscopy, no one to drive me, a requirement.  Not giving it a thought right now as my dog's condition takes priority.  It's taking all I can do to get through this and I have no idea how I'll make it through the living without him.  

Back to one day at a time.  Back to living in the present, looking for something/anything good in the day, no matter how small.  This is a struggle and I have to be up for the fight or...well I don't want to think about the "or".

You've been through so much.  I wish I could change your situation.  I care.

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I guess I’ll just babble a bit more here.  The medical machine keeps getting more complicated.  Spent about 3 hours on the phone today to find out my thyroid doc may not be covered by my insurance.  My grief counselor referred me to a shrink for my panic meds and he’s not in the system either, but 2 other places are but I know they will nix my meds for the fancy new antidepressants.  I looked at my PCP's objective and saw he said long term goal was to get me off these meds that work, I think even if the shrink gives them his blessing as he values whatever works and knows I am on them.  It’s like seeing a spark of hope that will do you no good.  This is the downside of private insurance.  They lock you in their network and it takes going thru hoops for other places.  When I was on Steve’s COBRA I could go anywhere, no questions asked.  The kicker is not to sound upset talking to the many docs so you don’t appear to be drug seeking.  This new doc has made me feel like an addict.  

My thyroid med is all off, but I can’t afford to experiment with it this week as I have to get Ally to the vet for surgery.  That is the most important thing and  have no help.  Darn, I’m just repeating myself here from the original post except for the insurance crap.  I cracked a back molar and wonder when that will catch up to me.  That makes 2 now.  My dental doesn’t pay for anything but cavities and cleanings.  Used to have a grand a year to help with this.  I think of the decades we paid into insurance companies and never needed anything but brief now and then care.  Hundreds of thousands of dollars they made.  Now I need them and their playing 'Indian giver'.  Sorry about the political incorrectness.  I want to put my head thru a wall but I don’t know if that’s covered.   

I want Steve.  I want him to be angry about this with, worried, make jokes, calm me down.  Help me as he always did.   I wouldn’t be this person I’ve become.  So bitter and apathetic and cold.  The man that faced his own demise and yet still cared about everyone in his life and made sure they knew it.  I don’t even think he would recognize what his absence has done to me.

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Gwen...

...your Steve must have been like my Richard, as my Richard too was the calm one, the one who knew how to deal with all things in a calm way...oh yes, life and circumstances can certainly make us become bitter...Ask your Steve for his help, ask him to guide you through this mess, and he will...I know my Richard is still very much helping me, especially with all this paperwork and business...he is still very much with me, that i do know, as he has already come to my aid on a few occasions...

 

Jackie.....sending a (( hug )) your way...

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Thanks, Jackie.  I wish I did feel Steve, but I don’t.  That makes it harder.  Hug to you too!  🌺

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Gwen, strange thing is, although i know he is still here with me and has been helping me, i dont actually feel his presence...the sensation of him being here with me...i only wish i did..I am still awaiting for that special sign from him...that something out of the ordinary...if only he could come back to me as showing himself to me...then i will know he came back to visit...if only to let me know he lives on...

 

Jackie...

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I hear others talk about how they feel their presence...I don't, I wish I did.

Gwen, as soon as you get Ally's surgery and she's doing better, I hope you'll get to the dentist, I know how fast the pain can flare up.  I think I've bought my dentist a home in Hawaii.

Medicare is a whole new ball game, I'm  on an HMO HealthNet, it's been a pain to deal with, partly because the people aren't fully trained and all tell you different stuff.  I have no supplemental, can't afford it.  I try to stay in network but that sometimes means switching providers every year and I don't like that.

Need to pick up my glasses out of town and hate to leave Arlie although he sleeps most of the time.  I brought him breakfast in bed today, he thumped his tail and seemed to appreciate it.

Gwen, I know there's a big difference between the insurance I now have and what I used to have with my employer.  I never had to worry about it before, I could go to whomever I wanted.  Now they're not paying for an OV I had 14 months ago even though they told me at the time he was in network and it was for a possible toe infection and I'm Diabetic.  They denied coverage and then denied the appeal because it's pending, but that's not what their letter said.  The health industry is horrible in the US.

I hope you get someone who will listen to you and not try to upset the apple cart.  God I miss my old doctor that I had for 32 years.

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I very much miss my doc of 30 years and the one I just lost because she moved.  Now I’m trying to find a new one as she didn’t follow thru with recommendations.  No one has a way to get a hold of her either.  So I made an appointment at another clinic to see one and if we don’t click, she can hopefully suggest another as I don’t want to go thru 6 of them looking.  I’m so angry the doc that took over for mine doesn’t have a don’t fix it if it isn’t broken attitude.  It’s even more than the insurance, it’s this need to make changes.  I realize many are that doctors training.  I just wish they faxtor in the unique person before that. Some people adapt to anything, some already have their meds set and need their help to live a functional life without any tweaks.  Maybe it’s just me, but if I were a doc and didn’t see a patient struggling, I’d be thrilled i just need to carry it on.  

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Gwen...

..i think we are at an age that we simply dont like change, we get used to a certain way of life, certain people, including our GP doctors...they say we get set in our ways, that can be true...

...Gwen, i hope you find your new forever GP doctor, the one you feel the most comfortable with...just a shame the best ones have to retire..as one of my previous ( back home ) GPs did...although he retired because his GP wife ( same surgery ) had been dealing with cancer...

Jackie..

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10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m so angry the doc that took over for mine doesn’t have a don’t fix it if it isn’t broken attitude.

That was one of the things I looked for when I found my current doctor.  I don't think it hurts to ask about this right off because it's important.  My health insurance keeps calling and wanting me to go over my medicines with "Pharmacy"...someone from the health insurance, and they aren't doctors, don't know beans about me, and I resent that they try to go over my doctor's head and question everything she does.  I've asked them to take me off their list for that and lo and behold I just got another notification from them that "Pharmacy" is going to call me again!  I spent 1/2 on the phone with them last time telling them when and why I started each medicine and nothing has changed since then!

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You’re right, Jackie.  I’m getting sick of change.  Too many yers of it and it revolving around getting old.  Way back, change was fun.  It was called youth,  health and spontaneity.  

Kay, what a frigging pain.  Every time I go to the docs, whichever one, they donthat too and they still have meds on it i either stopped or was prescribed but never took.  Next time I’m going to ask why they didn’t change it 20 visits ago.  :)

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On 8/9/2019 at 11:45 PM, Gwenivere said:

.  I don’t even think he would recognize what his absence has done to me.

I am in this with you Gwen. He wouldn't recognize me. He would ask: what my death have done to you? 

I have seen that what in his father. You can see what is imprinted right in his lifeless eyes. 

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I am sure if my Richard was to come back, he would find it hard to believe that i have cried over him, with him each and every day since his death...been over four months now and hand on heart not one day has gone that i have not cried, shed tears...it wont be the last either...

Actually looking at todays date 11th August, it is four months...11th April i lost him...

Jackie..

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That is one of the worst things added to this sorrow.  A date that once had no meaning.  I don’t notice monthes anymore after a few years,  but now we all have an extra 'dark' day a year.  Changes the lighting on the good days and holidays too.  

Love your Nandan quote, Jackie.

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Well 11 th April is one date i shall always remember and all for the wrong reasons as it was this same date i was diagnosed with PP-MS, same date Richard lost his life, same date fur baby number one lost her life...just four and ten years apart..

Yes the Nandan quote sums up our situations to a T...once we were a loving couple, now only a lonely and lost single...

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So hard.  In the beginning we count in weeks, then months, now it's years.  Never, never are they forgotten.

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Had another situation that drove home this aloneness.  Had a flat tire yesterday giving Steve’s van a run.  Would have called him to bring my car and he would wait for assistance.  I sat and cried as the assistant took forever.  2 passing men did it, said to carry it forward.  If it hadn’t been for them, the 70 minutes would have stretched longer as the help came just as they were done.  I just don’t handle this day to day life stuff anymore.  Trying to do something good and it ending up a huge hassle.  Today I have to get a new tire.  Might as well get the oil changed too.  Then park it and leave it alone.  To make it worse I had one of our dogs that was just as frustrated and got out having to get her retrieval and she’s pretty deaf.  I was on a major street.  So now today and tomorrow are tending to his car.  I never minded driving it, but this is above and beyond.  I may not have much to do to fill my endless alone time, but this isn’t helpful.  One of the guys said he gets calls from his wife often for help.  Lucky her.  💔

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23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Had another situation that drove home this aloneness.  Had a flat tire yesterday giving Steve’s van a run.  Would have called him to bring my car and he would wait for assistance.  I sat and cried as the assistant took forever.  2 passing men did it, said to carry it forward.  To make it worse I had one of our dogs that was just as frustrated and got out having to get her retrieval and she’s pretty deaf.  I was on a major street. 

One of the guys said he gets calls from his wife often for help.  Lucky her.  💔

Gwen:  So sorry the "aloneness factor" is driving more pain into your life.  But, oh how nice that you were assisted by two angels willing to help you.  Not sure what part of Seattle you experienced this incident, but when I think of Seattle I can only visualize lots of busy people rushing in all directions.  Happy to hear you retrieved your dog.

Since last Friday I am feeling "aloneness" personified.  I had my five week retina specialist appointment and after being dropped off at my front door by my hired driver, I just wanted to come home and be hugged by my hubby.  Of course no one here but my Maddie who was happy to see me home again.  Yesterday I drove Maddie to her oncologist appointment.  I had to sit from 8 am until 11:30 am waiting for her treatment.  Would have loved to have had my hubby with me again.  And now on Thursday I have my 6 month dental check up appointment, a 45 minute drive.  My hubby used to drive me and sit outside in parking lot waiting to drive me home.  It's sad that we used to be the "Lucky Wives" whose husband's watched over us and made us feel safe.

The rest of August should be a piece of cake after Thursday's dental appointment.  I have no more appointments scheduled other than boring grocery shopping trips.   Dee

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Dee, I hope Maddie is almost done with her treatments.  How I wish Arlie could have had treatments, we found out too late, his health isn't good enough.  The key word in your statement was "used to"...what we had is all "used to", now we live without it.  Things like Gwen's day yesterday and yours too drive that point home.  This is the hardest week I've had since losing George...losing my fur baby is anguish at it's worst.  :(

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I’m so sorry Kay.  Words totally elude me to say how much I know the pain is regarding Arlie. I can’t imagine knowing the day so far in advance and living with that.  I cry just knowing it will happen someday.  Ally is my baby girl that made so many people happy.  My little social butterfly.  

i got a call from my endocrinologist wanting meto go I for a blood draw to check adrenal glands.  It has to be within a couple of hours of gettting up when they are at their highest.  8-8:30am.  I can’t do that as I go to bed at 5am.  Now am waiting if my sleep schedule would make it the same since I get up slightly after noon and could take my anxiety meds.  Ally goes in for boarding overnight tomorrow for her Thursday surgery.  I can barely walk as stress is worsening my back.  

 Like Kay, being without support just adds more stress when we need to be strong.  But years of being 2 people take a huge toll.  I wish we all still had our families intact.  Living life as we see all the people around us doing.  Are they waking up every day pondering why they live their lives?  Of course not.  I hear them on their cell phones talking about plans or just shooting the breeze.  If my answering machine has messages, it’s doctors, pharmacies  or robocalls.  Gone are the days Steve or a friend would leave a message.  I’ve really been wanting to talk to my mother.  It’s been 29 years and I want her to tell me everything is going to be OK.  A mother’s magical power.  She lost my father and 4 children, so she knew grief.  

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

Dee, I hope Maddie is almost done with her treatments.  How I wish Arlie could have had treatments, we found out too late, his health isn't good enough.  The key word in your statement was "used to"...what we had is all "used to", now we live without it.  Things like Gwen's day yesterday and yours too drive that point home.  This is the hardest week I've had since losing George...losing my fur baby is anguish at it's worst.  :(

kayc:  My heart breaks for you and your Arlie.  I honestly don't know how you have carried this grief of saying your goodbye to him.  I truly understand your deep love and admire you for your strength. 

My Maddie's treatments will continue as long as I can feel the chemo will keep her with me without any suffering.  I am thankful for each day she is still with me.  Dee

 

 

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I hear you, I've always said, every day with Arlie is a good day.  I hope you have her a long time.

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Over these last four or so months, since losing my Richard age 74....I have also started crying more again over the losses of my three babies, my dogs-my fur-babies as well as my Richard...I am now crying over the four losses even though dog number one i lost suddenly at age 15, ten years ago , same date Richard passed 11th April, within 2 weeks of her showing signs of anything wrong, as she was a dog i thought was going to go on forever... My dog number 2, i lost after a 3 month battle with c***r ( four or so years ago ) which we knew she had already lost, i held onto her far too long before letting her go, she had just touched on age 10, she went far to young and early...Dog  number 3,  i-we lost within 7 months of moving to this address from Bedfordshire to Dorset, a 140 plus miles away, three years ago, he was 13 & a half after a 3 almost 4 month battle which we knew he had already lost, again all three to that dreaded word that starts with a c and ends with an r....Same as both of my parents...I was 26 when i lost my mother, 37 when i lost my father, mom was 5 years older than my father..both i lost when in their early - mid 60s...I am outliving both of them...Now do i want to be here alone, that is another question i am not sure how to answer as there are times i just want to be with my Richard...

Jackie..

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