Norma0909 Posted October 19, 2019 Report Share Posted October 19, 2019 I feel so lost everyday, December 2018 we found out we were pregnant on my husband's birthday, we were so happy we cried so much, we quickly started planning for our little one, Baby G. In mid-January we found out our little ones heart was no longer beating, we didn't want a procedure & we had a miscarriage on February 07, 2019, we were heartbroken. A few short months later we found out I was pregnant again with our son Benjamin. We were so happy & so scared, afraid of losing him too. We finally made it to the "safe zone", second trimester. We were house hunting for a better neighborhood for my son. Received gifts for him at his gender reveal party. Planning our lives with him. The weekend we were supposed to look for furniture for his room, I started having bad cramps then bleeding, we arrived at the hospital praying to God, begging Him that our worst fear was not happening. I was admitted into labor & delivery & was told I would be delivering our son that night at just 19 weeks pregnant. We were incredibly heart broken & cried for hours. Our son was born at 8:07 the next morning with a beating heart. We got to hold him & kiss him & be with him for a day & a half. We were so happy to see our boy, and so heartbroken at the same time. Our dreams, our future was shattered. Having to hand our son over to the lady from the funeral home was the hardest thing we've ever had to do. My sweet Benjamin went home on September 09, 2019 to join his older sibling Baby G. I've never felt so heartbroken & so lost. I wake up wishing God would've just taken me with him. Or praying that He takes me now because I have no interest in living without my beautiful boy, without my babies. I don't want to live without my baby boy. People have told me I need to "try to move forward" &/or "choose to live"...I have no clue how I would begin to do that when I'm crying, aching to be with my sweet beautiful Benjamin everyday. How am I supposed to "choose to live" without my greatest love... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 20, 2019 Report Share Posted October 20, 2019 Norma, I am so sorry. Right now don't worry about choosing to live and moving forward, right now just feel what you feel and try to remember to breathe. I've literally caught myself holding my breath in grief, it can feel so overwhelming. People say these things so THEY will be more comfortable, it's uncomfortable to them to watch you in so much pain and they honestly don't know how to respond. But what they think and feel is negligible, it's what you and your husband think and feel that counts most. I have lost three and I will never forget any of them or how dark a time that was. I hope you will consider seeing a professional grief counselor, even if just a few visits it can help. We enter grief, such an overwhelming place, without a roadmap and we're floundering to get through this and sometimes it really helps to have someone walk us through it. Coming here is a good start too, just getting your feelings out and knowing you're heard helps. Be ever patient and understanding of yourselves. Your husband may handle his grief differently than you and that is okay, but I hope this is a journey you can travel together and be there for each other. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 20, 2019 Report Share Posted October 20, 2019 My heart reaches out to you in your pain, Norma. Did you know that October is Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month? Just a few short years ago, there weren't very many resources "out there" for grieving moms like yourself, but fortunately that is no longer the case. I hope you will read this article, and take note of all the Related ones listed at the base. You might also take a look at a book just published that features the intimate narratives of bereaved mothers and fathers who have lost an infant: Carried Within Me: Echoes of Infant Loss from Bereaved Parents. (My own story appears on pages 103 - 108.) The book will assure you that you are not alone. ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 21, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2019 Thank you both so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot & help during this deep pain that exists more than I feel I do. At times it feels like instead of one day at a time it's more one minute at a time. And yes, many people seem like they don't know how to respond & instead of just being there they say things that are the opposite of helpful. My husband was so worried about me he found us a counselor, we've seen her just a few times but she's helped. We'll continue to do so at least until I feel that I can breathe for myself again. He wants us to go to a grief group soon, I'm hesitant but it may help to be with others who share this pain. Unfortunately I wasn't aware of Infant & Child Loss Awareness Month until losing my babies, as I've read you don't realize the resources out there until you become a member of a club that no parent should ever be a member of. I will definitely read the article & check out the book. I am so sorry for the losses that you both have suffered. It gives me hope to see that you both have been through this & yet I can feel the strength that y'all have. Again, thank you both for your kind words. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 21, 2019 Report Share Posted October 21, 2019 I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and I hope you do find a grief support group that is right for you, if one isn't don't hesitate to try another, they vary. It should be one where the leader doesn't let one person dominate the conversation. I'm glad your husband is helpful and supportive. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 21, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2019 Thank you, I'll definitely try & hopefully we'll find a good one for us. I've ordered the book that was suggested as well. I have no desire to live or try but I have to for my husband, he has been incredible throughout all of this & I know he's just as heartbroken. Thank you for your advice on the support group. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 22, 2019 Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 It doesn't feel like it right now but you will get through this. I went through it, and remember what a dark time it was for us. I pray your husband and you draw closer through your experiences and come out all the stronger. I lost three and had finally accepted that we might not have children, when at last we had a daughter and son. When you've been through this you never forget any part of it, that's for sure. I do remember people saying hurtful things out of ignorance to us. A child asked me, "What's the matter, don't you like kids?" because I didn't have any. Right after losing my third one (no one had known I was pregnant except close family) I went to a baby shower where two newly married friends announced they were pregnant, like it was so effortless (they never lost any of theirs) and people joked, "Maybe you can find out how THEY did it!" Haha (sarcasm). I made it through it and came home and burst into tears when I saw my husband. Little did they know how much they'd hurt me. But we got through it, and in time you'll also make your way through this. Just be really understanding of yourselves, it's a lot to go through, very hard. (((hugs))) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 22, 2019 Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 Another book you may find helpful, Norma ~ especially for your husband ~ is Kelly Farley's Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back. After a series of infertility treatments in their desperate efforts to conceive, Kelly and his wife experienced the heartbreaking miscarriage of a daughter and a year later a son. After seeking support and "learning new lessons and new truths" in the years since, Kelly has devoted his life "to reaching out to other dads who've lost a child [to] help them find a way back from the brink." At the very least, I encourage you to visit Kelly's website, https://grievingdads.com/ and Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/GrievingDads/. Read more of Kelly's story here: My Story ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 22, 2019 Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 This just appeared in my email, Norma, and made me think of you: Parenting Angel Babies ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 24, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 Thank you, I hope to wake up one day & though the pain will always be there hopefully I'll become a new me that doesn't dread waking up everyday even though I hardly sleep. Kayc, I'm sorry for the losses you suffered & the pain that was caused through people's inconsiderate comments. I don't think they realize how painful a simple question like do you want kids or have kids is when you've lost your babies. My PCP yesterday told me "don't worry you're young you'll have more kids", as if Benjamin was something I could just replace. I literally stopped listening once she said that. Marty, thank you! I just received the first book this afternoon, I'll definitely get this book as well. My husband griefs a lot different but I can see his pain. I'll definitely get this book for him. I will check out the links you've sent me as well, thank you so much! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 24, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 Just ordered the book, thank you! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 24, 2019 Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 I'm sorry your PCP said that. I think I'd have told her 10 hours ago, Norma0909 said: as if Benjamin was something I could just replace. People need to understand the impact their words have, even if they mean well. We carry these babies in our hearts forever. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 24, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 I should have...after my first child Baby G, I would go numb when people would say these things, & now with Benjamin, I go numb, get upset, & shut down, thinking what is wrong with these people in saying such things. They wouldn't tell a mother who lost her 2 year old son don't worry you can have another, what makes them think our babies are any different, what makes them think another child will replace our baby & the pain will magically go away. Each day is full of pain without my son, I go to the cemetery a couple times a week, I look at his pictures & videos I took of him everyday. When I hear such "helpful" hurtful comments, I wanna yell he exists! I love my children just as much if not more as they love theirs. I hope one day I won't shut down, I hope to speak up, & tell them how hurtful their "helpful" comments are & hope they'll never say such things to any other mother or father who lost their babies, who lost their whole world. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 24, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 My sweet beautiful boy is irreplaceable, he will forever own my heart & my soul. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 24, 2019 Report Share Posted October 24, 2019 Precious picture of your precious baby Benjamin, Norma. I am grateful that you were able to see him and hold him in your arms, even as you held him in your womb. Now he will live forever in your heart. ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 26, 2019 Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 Thank you so much for sharing this picture of your beautiful little boy with us. I am so glad you got this moment. I was alone when I miscarried mine and never even though to get a picture, I'm not a picture-taking person, it just didn't occur, so you have this to keep with you always. (((hugs))) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted October 26, 2019 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 Thank you both, although I miss him in a way I've never missed anyone, I'm so grateful for the time I had with him. So thankful to have taken so many pictures, they're all I have to hold on to. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura C Posted November 7, 2019 Report Share Posted November 7, 2019 Dearest Norma...what a beautiful boy Benjamin is! I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious babies. I am a Labor and Delivery nurse and have worked with a lot of families who have experienced loss. Your loss touches me deeply. May I recommend another book? Navigating the Unknown by Amie Lands is a really good resource for grieving parents. I am so glad you are getting counseling. Don't EVER think that you need to "move on" or "get on with life" because those babies ARE a part of your life. Many blessings of love, peace and comfort. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 7, 2019 Report Share Posted November 7, 2019 ❤️ In Grief: Coping With Infant Loss ❤️ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted November 8, 2019 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2019 Thank you! I'm having such a hard time without my babies, some days feel like I'm simply existing & other days as if I have to remind myself to breathe. Thank you for your words, it helps to hear others mention my babies without telling me to "move forward". I ordered the book, Navigating the Unknown, I should receive it tomorrow, thank you for suggesting it. Again thank you all for your kind words. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura C Posted November 8, 2019 Report Share Posted November 8, 2019 Oh Norma! I hope that all of the resources and words of love help you. Sending you so much love as you heal. When you feel the sadness and grief, feel it and respect it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted November 8, 2019 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2019 Thank you! We're staying with my folks right now, we came home for some things today, I walked into one room & saw Benjamin's diapers & wipes that we had bought him. Walked into our room & saw all the gifts he had received. I hugged his "my first bear" teddy bear tight & cried like as I did day one. I miss my baby boy & Baby G so much. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 8, 2019 Report Share Posted November 8, 2019 😢 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 9, 2019 Report Share Posted November 9, 2019 19 hours ago, Norma0909 said: Thank you! We're staying with my folks right now, we came home for some things today, I walked into one room & saw Benjamin's diapers & wipes that we had bought him. Walked into our room & saw all the gifts he had received. I hugged his "my first bear" teddy bear tight & cried like as I did day one. I miss my baby boy & Baby G so much. My heart cries for you as I read this. It's heartbreaking and so hard to get through. It's not something we "get over", but we eventually get more used to it and assimilate it into our lives. I very much wanted children and lost my first three. I'm glad I hadn't made it to the point of getting things for them. What's sad is knowing that nowadays they might have been able to save the older one I lost. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norma0909 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2019 I can't stop crying. I miss my baby boy so much. I just want to be with him. My beautiful Benjamin, my sweet Baby G, its hard to want to live in a world where I can't hold my babies. On Friday I was going to take out his diapers & wipes, it hurts to see them but as we were taking them out I broke down, I couldn't let them go. I know my boy will never use them but they were for him. I had to keep them. I don't know how to do this. It feels like I'm merely existing waiting to be reunited with my babies. Its all I want. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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