It's Too Much...everything Is Falling Apart And I Don't Know H

[Babs55]

For those who don't know from another post....I lost my mom a few months ago. I am trying to deal with the grief from this but lately I am feeling completely overwhelmed by "grief"! Past and present!

I don't really want to bring this up here...but I don't know what else to do. Grief doesn't come from just losing a loved one to death, it can also come from the death of a marriage, etc. Four years ago my marriage of 23 years ended in "death" because of abuse. After doing everything humanly and spiritually possible to save this marriage...I learned two very important things: One, you can't change anyone but yourself and two, it takes two to make a marriage..not one.

I thought I had grieved the death of this marriage but now with my mom's death..all the pain and grief from this "death" is hitting me full force once again too. It's like everything just happened today all over again. The pain is overwhelming and it's affecting my relationship in my new marriage. My husband never expected to have to deal with these things in our first year of marriage...and neither did I....but I can't make them go away or pretend here. Help!

Is this normal...reliving past pain and grief along with the present?

Babs

Edited June 8, 2006 by Babs55

[MartyT]

Dear Babs,

If you’ve read any of the other posts in these forums, I’m sure you’ve discovered that this feeling of “being completely overwhelmed by grief! Past and present!” is not unusual.

Your observation that grief can stem from losses other than death is absolutely accurate, too. What is more, any given loss will engender many secondary losses. Read this excerpt from Alexandra Kennedy's book, The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss

Over a lifetime we will experience many losses. We live by losing, leaving and letting go. These are essential parts of the ever-changing world, as much a part of life as night, wind and rain. We cannot save ourselves, nor those we love, from the sorrow that is part of life. Parents die, friends drop away, cherished possessions are lost. Our children grow up and leave home. We lose spouses and partners to divorce or death; sometimes we lose them emotionally long before. As we age, we will confront all that we never were or never will be. We will be faced with the grief of unfulfilled dreams. With each major loss, we often encounter multiple losses. For example, the death of a parent can lead to many other losses-- of our identity as their child, of our family history, and sometimes of friends as they retreat from the intensity of our grief. Losing a job can lead to the loss of self-confidence, identity, and power. A miscarriage or infertility can bring about the loss of the dream of having a family. A divorce can result in the loss of a lifestyle, home, friends, and identity. [To read more, Go to Alexandra Kennedy and under Strategies for Grieving, click on Healing Daily Losses.]

You ask, “Is this normal...reliving past pain and grief along with the present?” and the answer is yes, of course. Present losses almost always reawaken past losses, Babs, and I suspect that, even if the issues are not the same, whatever present difficulties and challenges you’re having in your young marriage now may reawaken memories of whatever difficulties you may have had in your first marriage and frighten you into thinking, “Oh, no! Here I go again.”

In other posts you’ve indicated that your mother was on a hospice service when she died – have you investigated what bereavement services are offered by that hospice? You’re trying so hard to manage so much – have you considered bereavement counseling and / or joining a grief support group? I hope you realize that you do not have to be doing this grief work all by yourself. It seems to me that you could benefit from having someone you trust who will listen to you and help you sort out and work through all that you are feeling and experiencing, Babs. Coming here is fine, and I hope you will continue to do so – but you may find that talking to someone “in person” would help as well.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[shell]

Babs,

After my dad died, I thought about every single loss I had ever experienced and re-grieved for all of them. So, yes, this is normal. Some of them I feel I never grieved properly at the time, even though I thought I did, so this time around I properly grieved and it was really exhausting, but healing. As you said, you thought you had already grieved the "death" of your first marriage, but maybe you didn't as fully as you thought you did. You think all the pain from the previous losses will never end, but if you truly let yourself grieve, all of a sudden you will find a sort of calm and peace.

Getting outside support, as Marty suggested, seems a really wise idea at this time. It is almost impossible to grieve without some support from someone. This is why, I believe, most of us ended up at this wonderful site. And sometimes you just can't get the right support from the people closest to you. You need an objective third party that isn't so attached to you.

Let us know how you are doing and hang in there,

Hugs,

Shell

[Babs55]

MartyT and Shell,

Thanks so much for your responses. Yesterday I felt there was no where to turn and no one who would really understand, I guess all of us who are grieving feel that way at times. Your responses have helped me to see that there is help and understanding, even if it can't come from my new husband.

And you are right MartyT..my mom's passing just opened the door to all that I need to grieve here. Just reading what you asked me to read this morning helps me see that I was so relieved to be free from the abusive situation in my past marriage that I didn't let my mind grief for the "death" of my 23 year marriage. I didn't let myself grief for the "death" of our family because I still had my children and grandchildren in my life on a daily basis. For so many years, my past marriage seemed to just consist of them and me anyway, so in many ways it just seemed that the bad was taken out of my life and the good left in it.

Then later when I married my new husband, many changes came about. All of a sudden I moved to a different state, over 11 hours from my family. At first I felt relief to be away from the city and state where it seemed all my dreams had died. And even though I missed my children, grandchildren, and my mom and siblings that still lived there I was able to go back every couple of months and spend time with them. I thought I was adjusting to the changes just fine..until the deaths starting coming. First, one of my best friend's husband died of a massive heart attack and they had been married only 18 months, then the next month my oldest sister's husband died of massive heart attack, Next my mom's health problems started getting worse and I found myself having to travel back and forth to help with her caregiving every other month until she passed away 9 months later. I found myself trying to balance being a newlywed and good wife to my new husband; trying to adjust and help my children adjust to being so far apart in distance and not being able to see each other anytime we wanted anymore, trying to be there for my friend who lost her husband, and then for my sister who lost hers...and finally trying to be a caregiver to my mom too! On top of that as understanding and supportive as my husband was trying to be...he was dealing with some issues on his side of the family and with his children, etc..so of course I was trying to be what he needed too.

I have always tried to be there when my loved ones needed me...it's just part of my nature as a nurturer. But after all that has happened in so short a time span...I find I can't be there for anyone right now. I need someone to be there for me. I thought it would be my husband, but after reading your replies to me...I understand that it probably isn't possible for him to do this even though I know he loves me and has been trying his best in this area. I wasn't able to see that all that I have gone through, he has also gone through in many ways. That's alot for anyone to deal with...but I'm sure it must be hard for a brand new husband to handle when he hasn't even been married a year and for more than half of that time his new wife has had to be apart from him because of all that has gone on.

I thought when my mom finally passed and the funeral was over, etc. that I could finally come back and my husband and I could begin "our lives" together at last. But I don't think that's going to be possible the way I thought it would be. And I think at this time I need to go back and be with my loved ones who also are feeling the things I am feeling right now. My husband only knew my mom for a very short time..I don't expect him to feel the grief that I feel over her death or the other things that I am beginning to grieve over. But he has faced some losses to on his side and I believe that we both have some grieving to do here. I'm going to talk to him today about me going back to be with my family for awhile because I know they are grieving too and I think I need to be with them for a time right now.

I'm sorry for this being so long...but your replies are opening the flood gates and allowing me to express what I have been holding in for so long it seems. Thank you for your help and understanding...right now it is a life line and a God sent to me.

Babs

[Maylissa]

Babs,

Just wanted to add a few thoughts to your thread here. Firstly, the help/advice you already received in this thread is excellent, and I'm glad you're taking it to heart.

Secondly, when my first marriage ended, I did take about 2 years to really grieve its ending ( the latter part of which was difficult, as my ex actually wanted to get back together again!...I finally said, "no". ) and found one of the biggest parts of loss had to do with grieving the end of the dream I'd had about marriage, and to this particular man. That was the hardest thing to get past. I mention this because my first marriage, too, was abusive, so I understand the part about it being freeing to give up the bad parts.

Thirdly, may I respectfully say that you sure are putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself, trying to be everything to everybody all at one time?! I know we women are famous for doing this to ourselves, but really, it's just not realistic in the real world and in our daily lives, whether grieving or not, but especially so then. These are the kinds of times when we have to learn well that we, too, have limits, needs and boundaries. We have to try and love ourselves as much as we usually love others, by taking better care of ourselves and respecting our right to not have to be superwomen.

And fourthly, in a nutshell, the timing of all these losses and major changes.....just sucks! So to be feeling rather burned-out should be expected, when you thought you were going to be in a much happier time of your life. The fact that so much has happened just as you became a wife again really puts a dent in things and I would suspect that you'll also have to mourn the loss of normal expectations about what that should have looked like, too....on top of everything else. If it were me, I know I'd be feeling really robbed of that normalcy.

And I think many, if not most, of us find that our spouses simply can't be our sole emotional support, like it or not, married for a long time or not. So being newlyweds, this just becomes an added pressure on the relationship....unless you can manage, as it sounds like you're already doing, to not take it so personally.

One word of caution.....now, I don't know you personally, nor do I know your family, but I've read about and experienced another aspect of grief that is often talked about here and on most grief boards, that being the differences in how everyone mourns a loss, even w/i the same family. You said,

"And I think at this time I need to go back and be with my loved ones who also are feeling the things I am feeling right now."

This can be quite the surprising landmine, as so many grievers have found that we presume and assume that everyone in our families are feeling the same things as we are, and this is often just not the case, or at least what's being shown to others doesn't look the same as what we're showing. While it can certainly be a good thing to be with other immediate family members when possible, I'd just hate to see you ending up either disappointed or worse, should there be some major differences amongst each of you and you weren't prepared for this. I know Marty has an article on her site dealing with this (Understanding Different Grieving Patterns in Your Family) and gender differences, too, so would like to suggest you find it and give it a read before you return home....just to be on the safe side. And I hope, too, that your intention isn't to be with them in order to take care of THEM, forgetting about yourself in the process!

You've done so well here, opening up those floodgates, as you said, as that's just so important to healing yourself over time. You're doing fine, as YOU'RE the one "allowing" yourself to express what you've been holding in for so long. Give yourself the credit for that one! We're all just conduits for that self-expression. You GO, girl!

Edited June 9, 2006 by MartyT

[shell]

Babs,

I think going home for awhile is a very good idea. It's funny, but when someone dies, you expect your family to be the ones you can turn to for support. But sometimes (and after reading so many posts here, it seems a LOT of times) it just doesn't work out that way. Perhaps it's because they are grieving too and so everyone is confused and not able to handle anymore than their own grief, I don't know. I know when my dad died, it hit my mom much harder than I even expected (not that she didn't love him or anything like that, but she's always been so strong) and so I really couldn't turn to her because I didn't want to add more burden to her own grief. I mostly listened to her and while I am so thankful I can be here for her, there are days when I feel like I can't handle her grief, when I feel burned out. So, in a weird way, sometimes it's like your family are the LAST people you can turn to. Like you need a vacation from each other to be able to grieve by yourself, if this makes any sense! Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that maybe some space between you and your hubby might actually be just what the grief doctor ordered.

And I also understand trying to be there for everyone. Like Maylissa said, I think it's just a normal thing for most women. One of the hardest things I had to learn from this experience was to sometimes make time for myself. Even though I still feel guilty doing it, I have to remind myself that if I get too stressed and fall apart, I won't be able to be there for anyone else, so it's a must.

Take care and good luck,

Shell

[Babs55]

Maylissa and shell,

Thanks for your responses. I agree with so much that you have said and appreciate the words of caution in some areas too.

I also agree that although at one time I could juggle all this giving to my loved ones....it is not possible for me now....in fact it is me who needs some nurturing now and time to myself. But I also find I need to hug and love my children face to face right now and I feel the need to spend time with my siblings too. We talk on the phone and yes, while there are some differences, from talking to them, we also are sharing many of the same feelings, etc. in our grief. Maybe that's because all my sisters shared in the caregiving of our mom during those last months. Anyway, I'm going for a visit because I just need to see them all face to face right now. This might sound crazy, but in a way it's to assure myself that I have really lost them too...does this make any sense?

It has sucked having all these things happen during my first year of marriage! Thanks for expressing it that way...that has brought me some freedom to say that this is exactly how I feel about it all at times! But it also has shown me what kind of man my husband is...and I definitely picked a winner this time. No, he can't be everything I need him to be right now...no one can ever be everything we need in any situation....but he has done an excellent job of trying to understand and be there for the most part. Now, he has things he has to do some grief work in too and we both need to give each other some time and space for a short "season". So I am going spend some time with my family in Louisiana and when I come back to Florida we have rented a Condo for a week at the beach to celebrate our 1st Anniversary and to just relax and take a break from all the stresses for a little while. We have both agreed not to have any expections of one another or to plan all kinds of things. We will just take one day at a time and enjoy each other away from everything and everyone that's a part of our daily lifes for one week.

I have told my children that I am empty right now and I need their love and support at this time....and they said to come and let them take care of me for a change. That really touched my heart at this time! And I don't know about you'll but loving my granddaughters always brings joy to my heart. A blessing in the midst of my mom's passing is that a few weeks later my older daughter called me to let me know she is going to have a new grandbaby for us in November, she wasn't trying to have another baby and the baby was conceived during the last days my mom was alive. There's a saying that goes something like this, "Everytime God takes someones to heaven, He sents a new one to earth." And to me this new one is our new grandbaby...even in the midst of my grief....the thought of this blessing brings my heart joy!

I'm also going to pick up a couple of the books mentioned on grief and spend time reading those while I am away from here. And since I will have access to a computer if I feel up to it you will probably hear from me again too.

Again I have to say how glad I am that I found this place of peace and refuge where I can express myself freely and people actually understand and bring comfort as well as wisdom to me. In a way it's like coming home to the place that you feel loved unconditionally no matter what you are going through. For me, in my time of grief, that's what I need most of all!

Babs

Edited June 10, 2006 by Babs55

[shell]

Babs,

I think you are absolutely on the right track! Visiting your family, you and hubby having a break to each grieve your losses, the new grandbaby, and the vacation with your hubby when you get home. I think you are going to handle your grief very well and do a good job of healing. And, yes, what you said makes sense. I've found almost ANY emotion during grief makes sense, even when it seems weird. Good luck to you and have a good visit. Let us hear from you and let us know your progress, if you feel up to it.

Hugs and best wishes,

Shell

[Babs55]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling really sad and lonely today and I felt the need to come to this place of refuge and comfort today.

It's almost 4 months (on June 28th) since my mom passed away and I have made the trip back to visit with my children, grandchildren, and siblings. From my home in Jacksonville, FL I drove to Fort Walton Beach, FL and spent 3 days with one of my sisters and it was good to be with her for that time. She got Moma's dining room table, chairs, and hutch and seeing it first thing when I walked in her door was a comfort to me. We also are pretty even on our grief journey at this time so it was also a comfort to be with her too.

On the 4th day I drove to Louisiana and my daughter's home here. My youngest granddaughter was so happy to see her Granny and that did wonders for my heart! Since getting here I have been busy helping my daughter and her husband move into their new home, doing this didn't give me time to think about my mom not being here anymore but now we are all settled in and today is my first day by myself and the grief is like a heavy fog surrounding me right now. My oldest sister (who lived with my mom) came to visit with me yesterday, and I guess that is what turned the grief switch on for me again. She wants me to come spend some time with her and I found myself making excuses for why I just couldn't come instead of telling her that I'm not ready to go back to Moma's house. Even though my sister bought it...it will always be Moma's house to me and I just am not ready to relive the memories that going back there right now would bring back to me. Two days ago my ex sister-in-law's (and dear friend)mom passed away in almost the same fashion as my Moma did and my sisters wanted me to go to the funeral home with them but I couldn't do that either and was glad I didn't even attempt it after I found out they put Priscilla's mom in the same viewing room as my Moma was in. It's so hard knowing that I will never be coming back to Louisiana to see my Moma again! My granddaughter said it so well to my daughter when she woke up in the middle of the night last night and told her moma she wanted to go home (to their old house)...that's how I feel right now to....I want to go home to my Moma, but my Moma doesn't live here anymore.

It's also hard seeing how life goes on for everyone else...when you feel that life has stopped for you during the grief journey. It is clear to see that life didn't stop for my children or grandchildren after my Moma died...but alot of times I feel like I am just standing still while life is going on all around me. I am thankful that now and then I actually can feel some joy and happiness but sad at the same time that mostly I feel numb to everything happening around me. One day I want to be here seeing life going on in my children and grandchildren and the next day I just want to go back home and hide under the covers again. God has blessed me with a really nice swimming pool here at my daughter's new home and I find peace in being in that pool as much as possible for some reason.

I think I have said this before but I need to say it again...I have always tried to find blessings in everything. And I want to be able to do this even during this grief journey. There is blessing in knowing that I love and am loved in return. Their is blessing in my 3 year old granddaugther's hugs and kisses and her wanting to cuddle up with her Granny at bedtime. There is blessing in the beauty God created all around me. As I lay on a float in the pool I can hear the cheerful songs of the birds singing to me, I can look all around me at the beauty of the bluest sky and the most vivid colors in the landscape all around me. A month ago I couldn't even see these things. So the biggest blessing is the hope that fills me at times and lets me know that I will be alright, I will get through this, and I will feel like living life to its fullest again!

Babs

[Maylissa]

Babs,

Your optimism for your own healing is a wonderful sight by itself! I think you're doing really well in picking and choosing what you can and can't handle each day and already recognizing some of the blessings that remain in your life. Would that I could have done as well as you so early on!

Your sharing has brought up more feelings for me again....and no, don't feel badly for that...it's MY journey unfolding in the sharing. Talking about not being able to go home again, to your moma, is how I feel, too. The house would still be there ( although with strangers in it, which, to me, seems much worse ), but not my Mum and not the 'vibes' of my own life there. It's also good that one of your sisters got her dining set. As always, when hearing about a parent's furniture, but a dining room set in particular, I'm brought back to the whole sickening scenario around that, with my Mum. Her set got sold for a measley crumb of what it was worth, and although I never had the room for it anyway, it kills me to know it was never even offered for me to take. NO, my dad wanted any and all money he could get for everything. Technically, it was his of course to do with as he pleased, but still......I could have certainly afforded what he let it go for and could have at least put it in storage for now......it was an absolutely beautiful, solid teak set that's now back in style yet! ( and always was my kind of style....sleek, simple, elegant ) They don't even make them the way this was made back then, so it breaks my heart to know I'll never be able to find anything like it, unless I happen upon an estate sale run by someone as crazy as my own father!

And the pool.....you're so lucky to be able to experience the bliss of floating around, looking at the sky.....relaxing as being in water can be. I grew up with a pool, part of my childhood home.....and heard the new people were wanting to fill it in. That broke my heart, too. Everything gone.....my Mum, my brother, the house, the furniture, the personal belongings, and then the pool, the focal point of our home, the place where I could escape to in my youth when things got ugly inside, which they always did. I've spent my whole life since longing for the day when I could afford to build my own. It's never happened and probably never will. It's all gone. And my evil remaining brother holds the only home movies we had which, naturally, were mostly centered on.....events around the pool.

I just had a moment to post and had to express some of these feelings again...sort of reminisce with myself, cuz I'm the only one left, really, to do that in our whole family. Relatives are as good as gone, too. It's just me and my life now....and while I'm grateful for having a pretty good one, it's just not the same and feels so lonely. Thanks for listening, and for bringing things up again that I must still keep purging from my system.

[dpodesta]

I heven't lost my Mom, but lost my wife recently, and to read your post brings hope to me that one day I will be able to find the blessings I have around me.

[kellymarie]

Hi Babs and everyone, I just wanted to say that I'm also feeling really sad and lonely today. For the last few days, I just haven't felt up to talking or writing about how I feel. It's a sucky feeling. Just totally drained with no energy to grieve. Thanks for sharing your story. I, too, "I felt the need to come to this place of refuge and comfort today." Thanks, Kelly

[shell]

Babs,

I really admire you. You have such a positive attitude, even in your grief. I'm trying so hard to be positive. I was doing pretty good and then, lately, I have felt that foggy, numb effect at times again. It's like having a relapse. On the other hand, I think the past year and three months have just worn me out finally. I'll just have to rest more, I guess. But back to you, I think you are doing great. Also, not doing what you are not ready for is very wise on your part. You have to do everything at your own pace. I'm so glad your trip has been mostly good.

Float all you want, there is something very therapeutic about water, isn't there?

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Babs55]

I'm so sorry Maylissa that you didn't get to choose things of your Mum's that you wanted...having some of my Moma's things here and there in my home brings me comfort and leaves a aura of my Moma around my home now too. I don't know your story but I'm going to try to find it so I can read what you have been going through...from what you have posted here....your family's behavior after your Mum's passing has contributed deeply to your pain and grief. I'm truly sorry about this and will be praying God's comfort and peace upon you and for your family's hearts to be softened in love and sharing here as a family once again.

dpodesta, I ran across one of your posts and my heart went out to you. Your wife I believe was only 45 when she passed..that seems so young. My Moma lived until about a month and a half after her 80th birthday and my eight siblings and I feel very blessed to have had her for that long. I'm sorry for your loss and I am glad I brought you hope that one day you would see the blessings too. If I remember right you still have a 7 year old son...and if that is true...there's one of your blessings right there!

kellymarie, isn't it a blessing just to have a safe have to come to for comfort and refuge during our grief journeys? I felt so alone until I found this place, but now there is a whole family of us all walking the journey of grief, many of us are on different parts of the journey but we still are walking this path together and those who have gone before us have wonderful wisdom to share with us and those behind us are being helped by all of us. We can feel free here to grieve and share our pain and others accept us just as we are. What a blessing this is too.

Shell, I'm sorry you are relapsing into that foggy numbness again....I know that place too and I don't like to go there but I will because I want to get through this grief journey and I don't want to delay it by trying to deny wherever it takes me. Like yesterday....when my daughter came home from work she took one look at my face and asked me what was wrong and I told her it was just a grieving day for me and I missed my moma and needed to cry and feel that. She didn't need to hear anymore than that, nor did she try to make me feel better....for last year she lost the Granny she was closest too and she knows about grief too. That's another reason I wanted to come here, there are many here who are walking or have walked the grief journey in my life and they don't try to make you feel better....they just love you and accept what you need to do here. And yes, the pool is theraputic....to me in a way it's like being back in my Moma's womb but being able to see out of that womb all God's beauty that He created!

I think what I dislike most about this grief journey is the feeling that from one day to the next I have no control over myself anymore. Coming from an abusive marriage where I always felt controlled by my spouse...I don't like how this part of grieving reminds me of those days. At least I am thankful that I can realize it is not the same thing and these feelings will pass.

My heart doesn't feel as heavy today but the tears have been coming today too. I looked up at the sky today with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Moma, I miss you so much!" Just being able to express whatever feelings I am having is healing to me. I think part of me needed to make this trip back here to reassure myself that even though my Moma is gone...I still have family and loved ones here....they are not gone and since my Moma's passing I find an intensity in my love for all of them. The reality of knowing now that life on this earth isn't forever and that none of us know how much time we have here makes me want to cherish my loved ones and spend as much time with them letting them know I cherish them. I don't like living 12 hours from my grown children and grandchildren now and I'm praying God will move us closer as soon as possible. Time is to short and to precious to waste since my Moma passed. I want to leave that same legacy of unconditional love that my Moma left to her children, etc. to my children, etc. and it's harder to do from a distance. Yes, I miss my Moma and it was hard letting go of her, but her passing has opened up my eyes and helped me to see what is really important to me now. Has your loved one's passing done the same for some of you?

In a little while I'm going to get back in the pool and today I'm going to thank God for all of you who are also walking this grief journey for it truly is a blessing to know I am not alone in this anymore and that I can share what I am feeling and know that not only is someone listening but they are hearing and understanding what I am saying too.

Babs

[Babs55]

It's so weird how things can be going along just fine and you actually think that you are making some good headway in this grieving process...and pow!...you turn around and run right back into that wall of grief again! And you kind of feel that you have just lost all the progress you had made.

I woke up the day before yesterday feeling so stressed and like a mountain was sitting on my chest so that I was even having trouble breathing. My head felt so heavy I could hardly hold it up and I was scared to open my mouth and say one word because I felt like I was going to explode if I did. I hid under the covers until my daughter and her husband left to take my granddaughter to DayCare and then on to their jobs...and then when I knew I was all alone...the dam burst and I sobbed my heart out while raging at the injustice of my Moma not being here!! I didn't know my body could hold so many tears and I was sure if I could have put them in the swimming pool...they would have made a good dent in helping to fill it up!! And it was a good thing no one was around while I was venting my rage...because it wasn't a pretty thing to see or hear and I'm afraid anyone who would have been in my path would have felt like a tornado hit them!! After it was all depleted...I was also depleted...and I slept for 4 hours and woke up feeling 10 pounds lighter.

I wondered what had happened....and I think I figured it out. I was so busy helping my daughter and her family move into their new home that I didn't have time to feel the grief, but it was still there just building steam and when I was finished with helping and everyone was back in their normal routines...the grief boiled over!! It didn't help that I also don't like to cry in front of anyone else either...a few times tears would flow down my face in front of family members but I always managed to suck them up after a moment (that's probably not a good idea) because I just didn't want to expose my vulnerbility even to my family. That's probably pretty crazy because you should be able to let it all "hang out" with your loved ones....but somehow I just don't feel comfortable doing that even with them. They have always seen me as the "strong one" but the truth is I'm not strong right now and I feel sad in a way that I don't feel comfortable letting them see this side of me.

Is this normal? I guess during this time of grief....just about anything could count as normal.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go spend the night with my sister that lives in Moma's house. If any of you are praying people, I sure could use a few of those prayers for strength to make that first visit back home to where my Moma used to live. I keep telling myself it is Cherry's house now and it will be probably for the rest of her life....and she really wants me to come spend the night with her before she leaves on a trip and I leave to go back home to Florida. And I want to be able to take this step...so please lift me up in prayer on this if you are willing.

I'm also finding that I am very touchy right now....and I have to be really careful to not take something someone says the wrong way and I try to stay away from controversary because I find I can't be very objective at this time. And if my grandchildren start whining or fighting with each other...I find I just don't have any patience with this right now either, and I just go to my room so I won't take my irritation out on them.

This too shall all pass....but I have to admit until it does it sure can wear you out and leave you feeling totally drained.

Babs

[Paul S]

Hi babs, I think you're right. If I recall from an earlier post, you said that June 28th would mark the 4th month since the death.

It was around the 4th month since my Mom's death that I felt like I was losing it. I felt that my mind as breaking apart and I was just going nuts. I ranted and raved to no one in a Church, (I was alone, well, except for God, of course). Eventually I got help thru here and learned to just let the emotions out. I was worrying too much about things, especially whether or not I will ever get over the loss, and it was driving me berserk.

I was also distracted by having to do a lot of other things that prevented me from focusing on grief, like looking for work and moving. Although by the 4th month that was largely over, I think I just had been innattentive.

I do think what you're feeling is normal, or common.

I'm a praying person, and will pray for you.

Take care,

Paul

[Babs55]

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety at the thought of going to spend the night at my Moma's house. It doesn't matter that it is my sister's house now..my mind just cannot accept it as that yet. And I'm just not ready for this step yet.

So I called my sister a few minutes ago and tried to tell her this and I burst out crying while doing so. I asked her not to be upset but she is anyway. She told me that she can't help but feel hurt because no one wants to come visit her and I told her that wasn't true...we want to visit with her..but some of us just aren't ready to visit with her at Moma's old house yet. I invited her to come here intstead and she is going to come pick up some papers I organized for her, but I don't think she will stay and visit because I could tell she is upset with me.

I understand her feelings but I believe she needs to understand mine here too. I just cannot go there yet...it's to soon for me.

Babs

[Paul S]

Hi babs:

Don't go if you just can't bear it for now.

But try to tell her in a lovingly worded letter or email how you feel, and that it is definitely NOT a personal rejection of her or of her ownership of the house. Might she be thinking that there is a resentment towards her having the house?

Tell her you're grateful that the house is still in family hands, thus preserving its availability for future visits and important family gatherings,(assuming you do feel this way), and when you feel ready, then you'll visit.

Hope this helps.

Paul

[Babs55]

Thank you Paul, I appreciate your wisdom here.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with her thinking that there is some problem because she has Moma's house because she bought Moma's house years ago with all of her siblings blessings. She and her husband (who is also deceased now) took part of the house and made my Moma her own private apartment so that they both could have their privacy while Moma lived the rest of her life in her home. None of us wanted the family home but my sister Cherry and we are thankful she bought it.

And I thank you for the suggestion about the letter to her...it's a great one and one I will take you up on.

My Moma lived and died in that house though and even though she passed peacefully and without pain....we all were with her for those last days and while she took her last breath. I can't answer for my siblings but for me these last days are to fresh in my mind still and I just cannot go back yet to the actual place where it all happened.

As much as I love my oldest sister, she has always been the bossy one and can also be very self-centered to the extent of ignoring other's feelings about things if they don't line up with hers or what she wants. If it's something that is not important to me I have often just given in and gone along with what she wanted. But in this case I just can't go along with what she wants..emotionally it would be harmful and set me back...and I'm not going to let that happen because it's hard enough going through this griefing process as it is.

I love my sister but I am not ready for the step she wants me to make here and I'm not going to take that step until I am ready.

Babs

[Babs55]

Just wanted to add an update. My sister and I just finished talking to each other. She had come to my daughter's house to pick up some papers I organized for her. I gave her a big hug when I let her in the door and told her not to be upset because I loved her very much and my feelings had nothing to do with her personally.

She said that she just felt so bad because one of the reasons she had bought the family home was so that her siblings could always come "home" and I told her that we all appreciated that so much and that one day when the reality of Moma's dying in that house wasn't so fresh and painful to us all....we would all be glad that she had bought that house for us to come home and rejoice in our happy memories there. For now our memories were painful but God would bring healing to us all in this and it would be a gift to all of us that she still had the family home then.

She told me that she felt like everything was falling apart and I told her that's because everything was in many ways. Our world as we knew it with Moma in it was gone now and there were many other changes happening in all our lives. But we were still a family and the world was going to fall back into place for us all again....it would just have some changes in it..because that's what life does...it brings changes, some good and some not so good. We still have each other and that's what really counts, we are still a family even though one of us lives in our spirits instead of our physical lives now.

When she left our hearts were at peace with each other once again..this is important because our hearts spoke in love to each other in the midst of our grief and our hearts understood...

Babs

[shell]

Babs,

That is wonderful that the two of you could have that exchange. It's too bad more families can't resoplve their differences with love, like you two did.

It's also good that you are not being "bullied" into doing something you just can't at this time. You have to heal in your own way and time and it's wise of you to realize that.

Hugs,

Shell