Loss of a past love

[Rob125]

During High School, which was 48 years ago, I was very much in love with a girl.  Due to immature behavior on my part I lost her. But then I moved on to other girls, and life went on. By the end of those years I think I was on good terms with her, but I always lamented for years after High School on how I lost her. But then I moved on with my life, raised children and have four grandchildren. I would think about those days now and then, but not very much, and not with any regrets.

Then one month ago something happened. I found out that she died. I was sad but took this in stride as I have had a several classmates pass. But A few days later II found out she died way back in 1980, and this sent me into a tailspin emotionally. I find myself looking at her picture in the yearbook and feeling a lot of regret and sorrow because she died so young and never really had a chance at life.

I cannot seem to get rid of these feelings of sorrow and regrets. I have not seen her in 48 years, when she was just a 16 year old girl. It grieves me that she has actually been dead for 40 of them. Had she not died I probably would have never seen her again anyway as it does not actually affect my life or relationships in any way. I don’t think I should be having such a prolonged period of grief and these old feelings, and I am concerned.

[MartyT]

My friend, your experience reminds me of a similar situation described in this article, which I hope will speak to you in a helpful way: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning The Loss of A Dream. Make sure you see the additional resources listed at the base.

[kayc]

I agree with Marty.  A few years ago I reconnected with someone I went with in my teen years...he'd actually asked me to marry him but I was too young to think about it, he was three years older and thus more mature than I at the time.  It was interesting to see how our lives paralleled each other, grew up in Nazarene Church, switched to Baptist, both lead morning worship, both have property in the country with a mobile home on it, both love dogs, both had long term marriage to an Italian...his wife was widowed...in my case it's me that is.  Maybe we were too much alike to complement one another, IDK.  But it made us stop and think.  I think that's natural for our young crush.

I'm sorry yours died so young.  I can imagine how that must have hit you.  I think it's natural to feel this way.

[Rob125]

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

My friend, your experience reminds me of a similar situation described in this article, which I hope will speak to you in a helpful way: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning The Loss of A Dream. Make sure you see the additional resources listed at the base.

Thank you for your input, and link to this article. It was very helpful, along with the links at the bottom of the page. My fear was that my grieving in this situation was “abnormal”, but I see now it is not something I alone am experiencing. Disenfranchised is absolutely the word for it. I have a strong feeling that, since she and I never got out of the friend zone,  I am not entitled to these feelings. I acknowledge that my goal of just “getting rid of it” is unrealistic. I just feel that I have regressed back almost 50 years ago after high school, when I had deep regrets over my immaturity in the way I behaved toward her, which had me looking at the yearbook pictures and fantasizing over how I could have somehow been different. I put those yearbooks away for decades, and got on with life. Now it’s 1972 again in some respects.

[Rob125]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I agree with Marty.  A few years ago I reconnected with someone I went with in my teen years...he'd actually asked me to marry him but I was too young to think about it, he was three years older and thus more mature than I at the time.  It was interesting to see how our lives paralleled each other, grew up in Nazarene Church, switched to Baptist, both lead morning worship, both have property in the country with a mobile home on it, both love dogs, both had long term marriage to an Italian...his wife was widowed...in my case it's me that is.  Maybe we were too much alike to complement one another, IDK.  But it made us stop and think.  I think that's natural for our young crush.

I'm sorry yours died so young.  I can imagine how that must have hit you.  I think it's natural to feel this way.

Thank you for your input. It is the fact that she died 40 years ago that hurts. When I found out she died it was sad, perhaps a bit more that I felt with the other schoolmates that had passed. But it did not overwhelm me. It was the instant I read that she died so long ago, at such a young age, that the lightning bolt hit. And the sensation is still there. I think back on where I was in life in 1980, a whole lifetime ago, and now knowing she was dead all this time.

I understand what you experienced reconnecting with your old flame, and it demonstrates that these young crushes, which we think we “got over” with the passage of time, still remain inside us. We just chose the bury them so that we can move on. But when they become relevant in our lives again somehow, it’s like something reached inside of minds, took hold of that kernel of buried feeling, and popped them right up to the top of the stack (arcane computer programming jargon).

[MartyT]

1 minute ago, Rob125 said:

But when they become relevant in our lives again somehow, it’s like something reached inside of minds, took hold of that kernel of buried feeling, and popped them right up to the top of the stack (arcane computer programming jargon).

I can think of no better way to describe it than this, my friend. Well said!

I hope you will let go of the notion that you are not entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be. Feelings are neither right or wrong, and they're not always rational. They just are what they are: feelings, not facts. We cannot control what we feel, only what we choose to DO with our feelings.

You are judging yourself for the person you were nearly a half-century ago, and that seems rather harsh to me. I don't think there is a person among us who doesn't wish we'd have done some things differently in the past, if only we knew then what we know now. I invite you to read this: Guilt and Regret in Grief ♥️

[Rob125]

4 hours ago, MartyT said:

I hope you will let go of the notion that you are not entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be. Feelings are neither right or wrong, and they're not always rational. They just are what they are: feelings, not facts. We cannot control what we feel, only what we choose to DO with our feelings.

You are judging yourself for the person you were nearly a half-century ago, and that seems rather harsh to me. I don't think there is a person among us who doesn't wish we'd have done some things differently in the past, if only we knew then what we know now. I invite you to read this: Guilt and Regret in Grief ♥️

With the help of all of you I am starting to appreciate that I am entitled to my feelings, and that there is no such things as "incorrect" feelings. They are what they are. I was concerned that my feelings made me something abnormal, weak, or obsessed with the past. Your passions from the past never leave you after you "move on". They just get pushed deeper back in the file cabinet. Something happens that forces that file out and those feelings can return with a vengeance. It was shock over her early death that forced that file out. My main feeling toward this girl now are sorrow over her premature death at 25, and regret that I could not remain friends with her after high school. I never knew her as an adult. I think she would have overlooked my past behavior. She was a good person.

When looking at it objectively it seemed absurd that I am dwelling over these old feelings about a girl that i have not seen in almost half a century. Nixon was President for crying out loud. And I say 'girl' because she was only 16 when I last saw her.But in light of this new point of view, it is not absurd at all.

[kayc]

Louie and I were a couple long ago but he's married and I choose not to think of him any way other than as a friend out of respect for his marriage.  But it does make you wonder sometimes, "What if we had chose a different route?"...but we didn't so that's a moot point.  In your situation it's harder, learning she's been dead all this time while you were living your life.  Do you think you feel some guilt, kind of like survivor's guilt?  Would it have changed anything if you'd learned this 40 years ago?  Probably not.  You're not guilty of anything.  And as Marty said, your feelings are valid.  Pretty much anything we feel in grief is valid, sometimes we can have conflicting feelings at the same time, all of which are valid.  They don't even need to make sense.

[Rob125]

I don't feel any kind of guilt. It's really sorrow for poor Linda who had her life stolen from her. If I learned this 40 years ago it would have crushed me as well, but by now I would have been able to "compartmentalize" it. I am no stranger to grief. I had to bury one of my daughters 20 years ago. That was the way I dealt with it then. And this one involves a lot of feelings of guilt, but in the end we all have to realize that we have no superhuman powers and simply accept the facts and deal with our feelings.

[Kieron]

On 2/18/2020 at 4:45 PM, Rob125 said:

Something happens that forces that file out and those feelings can return with a vengeance.

I think of it like a sliver that became embedded in the skin.  Sooner or later the sliver is ejected by the body.  We don't usually worry about whether that's normal or not, right?  It just is.  But our society is not very good about understanding or dealing with emotions.  Some people say emotions lodge deep within the physical tissues of the body until they are dealt with and released.

Sounds like you've been able to make a lot of progress in examining this situation from the past, though.  Sometimes we just need feedback from others who won't be dismissive or judgmental. 😊

[kayc]

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter.  I can't imagine, that must have been beyond hard, something no one should ever have to experience.  As Kieron has said, you're using what you've learned from the past for helping you through this, and that is good. 

 

[Rob125]

15 hours ago, Kieron said:

I think of it like a sliver that became embedded in the skin.  Sooner or later the sliver is ejected by the body.  We don't usually worry about whether that's normal or not, right?  It just is.  But our society is not very good about understanding or dealing with emotions.  Some people say emotions lodge deep within the physical tissues of the body until they are dealt with and released.

Sounds like you've been able to make a lot of progress in examining this situation from the past, though.  Sometimes we just need feedback from others who won't be dismissive or judgmental. 😊

I am starting to accept that now, thanks to all of you. My "fear" was that it is absurd for a 65 year old man to be grieving over a girl who was 16 when last seen almost half as century ago. She must have made a much more powerful impact on me than I appreciated back then. I appreciate your input. I will get through this.

[kayc]

It's not absurd at all.