Some days I feel fine, other days the grief just hits me hard

[EK59]

Today, March 2nd 2020, has be 4 months since I had to say goodbye to my pet dog pixie

We got her in August of 2008, she was the bestest friend a child like me at the time could ever ask for. Despite being a healthy dog for so many years, in August of 2019 right after I came home from vacation was when her health began to rapidly decline. I kept urging my dad to take her to the vet but instead he would yell at me and say "I already know what the vets are going to tell me."

I don't think he would've known that when we finally took her to a clinic in late October, they told us that she was suffering from some form of lung cancer. Despite how heartbreaking the news was I still remained hopeful and that Pixie still might be able to stay around for another year or two..... she ended up getting much more worse a week later.

Saturday Morning, November 2nd 2019 was the last day I said goodbye to my childhood friend. I felt so helpless standing in the garage watching my dad's car slowly drive off with Pixie wrapped up in her bed in the passenger's seat being taken to her final resting place, at 1:18 pm MST Pixie crossed the rainbow bridge.

Four months later I still break down and cry over this. It just breaks my heart the most that I was told our puppy was being put down at such a short notice and at the most inappropriate time, how I didn't get to be in that final carride with her, and how I wasn't allowed to keep any of her ashes. I can't really talk about my parents because I already feel that they expect me to get over this, my biggest fear is that one day they will throw out pixie's collar, blanket, and bed which are the only things I can remember her by. And while my sister does understand and sympathize with my grief I don't want to seem like a burden and bother her all the time as she has her own responsibilities. I really want to get myself the help I deserve so I can finally heal, but being an unemployed college student my options are severely limited..

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear. Clearly your Pixie was a special individual in your life, and your missing her is so hard to bear. If your college has a student health service, you might ask if they could refer you to an in-person pet loss support group near you ~ and if that is not an option, you might do some reading about pet loss, if only to learn that your reactions are normal under the circumstances. Just reading through some of the threads in this forum will convince you that you are not alone. We've all been through where you are now, and we know how much this hurts.

You'll find a number of helpful articles listed here: Pet Loss ~ but I suggest that you begin with these:

A Bill of Rights for Grieving Animal Lovers

Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief

Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief?

Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much?

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dog.  I lost my Arlie 6 1/2 months ago and it is still very immense grief, I know I'll always miss him and love him.  You speaking about loss of your childhood dog reminds me of mine...I was five when I picked him out and when I was 20 my parents had him euthanized without telling me until afterwards so I never got to say goodbye.  He didn't have anything wrong with him, just old age, he was 15.  It was really hard because I would have gladly taken him in if they would have let me.

I hope you will ask your parents if you can have his collar.  I have my Arlie's hanging up by the door along with his leash, his coat hanging on the back of the chair.  I can't picture getting rid of them.  Every once in a while I hold his coat.  

You're not alone in your grief, I sure wish they could live longer.  They are the best creatures in the world.

[EK59]

Thank you to those who have spoken kind words and sent helpful articles. I understand the grieving process is never easy and can take a long while, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal and open my heart again.

On a positive note I would like to share with you a dream I had a while back, I don't remember much except for at one point I was standing in the kitchen feeling hungry and looking for something to eat... and when I turned around I saw my old friend Pixie looking up at me with her little tail wagging excitedly, she looked so happy and healthy like I once remembered her being. I cried tears of happiness and hugged my dog before running off to go play with her... of course I felt quite sad when I finally woke up and realized it was only a dream. I texted my sister and my closest friend about this experience I had last night and both of them told me that Pixie had come to visit me in my dreams. I'm not really much of a religious person and nor do I dwell that much about the afterlife... but I do honestly believe she did actually visit me that time. I hope she'll come and see me again in my dreams soon...

[kayc]

I am so glad you had that, I hope it gives you hope and comfort.

[EK59]

Hello again everyone

Two years ago today in 2018 was Pixie's 10th birthday, truth is up until this point we never knew her birthdate. We only remember the anniversary date of when we adopted her and took her home for the first time (August 8th, 2008), my sister and I though still really wanted to celebrate her birthday that year though as we thought 10 years was a big milestone... all we knew was that pixie was born sometime in May so we decided on the day, May 15th.

I still remember that day two years ago very fondly, my sister and her boyfriend came over to my parent's house and we showered pixie with many treats and toys, Pixie probably didn't understand what the occasion was but I knew she was still very happy as we were that day. Even though she was already 10 years old she was still happy, playful, and lively as if she was still a puppy, we were hopeful that we would get to celebrate Pixie's birthday for many more years to come...

...Pixie would have turned 12 years old today

It's only morning where I am but I already feel today is going to be a hard day, every time I think back to two years ago I just break down and cry

[MartyT]

These anniversary days are difficult, that's for sure ~ but it may help to remember that in reality, today is no different from any other day. It is one more day of missing your beloved Pixie, and it is only as important as you choose to make it. Might you find some ways to turn this day (and date) into a special day of remembrance for Pixie? A day on which you choose to give over to all those special memories? You can give yourself permission to spend the day in mourning, allowing your sadness and tears ~ nothing wrong with that! Or you can think of all the ways you might honor Pixie's life ~ maybe putting together a photo album or scapbook, planting a tree or shrub or memory garden, or donating a book on pet loss to your local library. And instead of "either or" it can be "and" ~ in other words, do both! Let the sadness wash over you and let those tears come ~ AND explore some ways that you can honor your beloved Pixie in a tribute of remembrance. ❤️

[paula__]

On 3/3/2020 at 5:37 AM, EK59 said:

Today, March 2nd 2020, has be 4 months since I had to say goodbye to my pet dog pixie

We got her in August of 2008, she was the bestest friend a child like me at the time could ever ask for. Despite being a healthy dog for so many years, in August of 2019 right after I came home from vacation was when her health began to rapidly decline. I kept urging my dad to take her to the vet but instead he would yell at me and say "I already know what the vets are going to tell me."

I don't think he would've known that when we finally took her to a clinic in late October, they told us that she was suffering from some form of lung cancer. Despite how heartbreaking the news was I still remained hopeful and that Pixie still might be able to stay around for another year or two..... she ended up getting much more worse a week later.

Saturday Morning, November 2nd 2019 was the last day I said goodbye to my childhood friend. I felt so helpless standing in the garage watching my dad's car slowly drive off with Pixie wrapped up in her bed in the passenger's seat being taken to her final resting place, at 1:18 pm MST Pixie crossed the rainbow bridge.

Four months later I still break down and cry over this. It just breaks my heart the most that I was told our puppy was being put down at such a short notice and at the most inappropriate time, how I didn't get to be in that final carride with her, and how I wasn't allowed to keep any of her ashes. I can't really talk about my parents because I already feel that they expect me to get over this, my biggest fear is that one day they will throw out pixie's collar, blanket, and bed which are the only things I can remember her by. And while my sister does understand and sympathize with my grief I don't want to seem like a burden and bother her all the time as she has her own responsibilities. I really want to get myself the help I deserve so I can finally heal, but being an unemployed college student my options are severely limited..

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss and the circumstances in which you had to lose your dog... I'm a college student too, I lost my dog just this week and I felt like I understood you while reading this. I wanted to tell you that maybe you could keep your dog's things, nobody should throw them away if they mean so much to you, as they help you remember your dog. And also know that even if you feel your family won't understand why you still can't get through your grief, it's okay, they say grief doesn't have a time, and there's not a good or wrong way of grieving... Just try to take as much time as you need and keep using forums like this whenever you need some support 💛 It seems easy to say it but it's really hard doing it, I know because I'm still figuring out how to deal with this... I just felt like trying to cheer you up. And I wish some day, if you're looking for it, you can get professional help, it may be really good for anyone. I'm sending you a hug 

[paula__]

Also, that dream you described seems like the sweetest and warmest thing, I'm happy you got to experience it. Maybe it means she really did come to see you 💛

[kayc]

I understand as a couple of months ago would have been 12 years since I adopted Arlie and since I didn't know his exact birthday, I made Valentine's Day it because the vet told me when I adopted him that he was almost one.  Those days will never be forgotten...tomorrow is nine months since he died.  I feel like the more time goes by, the further he is being taken from me, it's hard.

Did you get to keep his collar?  I hope so.  Thinking of you as you make it through this day, no matter how you handle it.  

[Coco Forever]

Am sorry for you loss as it’s exactly 3 weeks to the day my beloved Coco left this world so I know what your going through.I have a driving job and even today I’ve had to pull over a couple of times to wipe away my tears and as stated on my original thread I have lost weight since his passing and my stress/anxiety levels are probably the cause of my currents ailments.I’m trying to get it in my head I’ve done the right thing but that’s easier said than done and I’ve even started to talk to and kiss his urn.Just wish I’d have stayed with him longer in the vets when he finally passed over and I won’t go into all the feelings of guilt I have.Sending you virtual hugs.

[kayc]

@Coco Forever  When my Arlie got diagnosed with cancer, my fasting blood sugar went up to 185-204 for seven months, that's nearly five months after he died and I had to totally change my diet/lifestyle to get it back down, it would not come down on its own.  This is from the stress of losing my baby.  I have no doubt your current medical situation is affected by your loss.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html

[Coco Forever]

Thanks.Your advice and articles have been invaluable.I’m taking each day has it comes but still the tears flow when I think of him.😢

[kayc]

As do mine with Arlie and it's over nine months.  I don't know that it ever gets easier, that's a relative term but we do adjust bit by bit, I learned that from losing my husband 15 years ago...I didn't see how I could live a week without him...I have to tackle this the same way, one day at a time.  Holding you in my thoughts and prayers, I know the pain.