Is Detaching From Everyone A Common Behavior While Grieving?

[wacked612]

I am new to the board and need a little help. Short version..my gf lost her father about 4 months ago to cancer. Is it normal to break contact when dealing with grief? There are some other issues involved that I would be glad to share with someone who has been there and can offer experience in how best to support her.

[Jester]

I don't know what to say, I lost my mom to cancer 2 months ago, and I am detaching myself from my BF. He's kind of loosing patience, but to be honest, I don't feel like sex, making out, I am grossed out by physical contact right now, and most of the time I just feel like being alone, or in silence. I don't think it is a personal issue against you, if you pay attention, she's probably detaching herself from many people, you just have to be patient, this will take some time to heal, and although you might want to fix things and make her feel better, you can't fix this. She probably needs time and space, and a way of supporting someone is knowing what that person wants, wether it is an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a quiet company or solitude. She will be fine eventually.

The truth is there is no book on how to grieve, and what works for some people won't work for others. Just be patient, caring, pay attention to her needs, and I would add, recommend this site to her, it might help her as it is helping so many of us.

[Tori]

Since the loss of my husband 7 weeks ago I find that detachment is easiest for me right now. Normally I'm an outgoing person who can always find something to talk about. Now when my phone rings, my only thought is how quickly I can end the call, since I'm well aware that I have absolutely nothing to say that they want to hear. It's too depressing to hear myself say, "I'm allright" when I really want to scream; "I'm lonesome and miserable". But no one really wants to hear about that since there's nothing they can do to fix it. Who wants or needs the added burden of my sorrow in their already busy lives? Also at this point I've become completely self centered and have no interest in small talk. Just getting through each day is burden enough.

Right now, even though I sometimes feel that the constant feelings of loneliness and isolation might be unhealthy, it's something we all have to work through.

IMO just being there for your girlfriend and really listening to what she has to say is all you can do right now. Posting to this board is also a good start!

[wacked612]

Jester and Tori,

Thanks for the insight. I know that she has a tendency to want to deal with things herself anyway. It's just hard to see someone you love in such pain and be unable to help or 'fix it'. One more question..is it a good idea to at least check on her by phone every now and then (3-5 days)? It just seems like I am abandoning her if I wait until she surfaces. What's your suggestion on that? Call just to check or wait til she reaches out?

[Jester]

Checking on her is good, lets her know she has someone there when she's ready to come out. You can also send her messages to her cel phone or emails:) Good luck.

[spela]

I can tell you about my experience. My love died 17 months ago. Since then I have isolated myself from other people. At first I just couldn't see anybody, I couldn't listen to them complaining about their small "problems", for a log time I didn't answer my phone - and now I'm still isolated because people don't understand and now nobody even tries to call - and I for sure don't want to call those who haven't even tried to call me in the first few months.

This is what I would like to say: checking on her is good. If you don't, she might feel abandoned later (this is how I feel and this is the reason why I don't talk to most of my old friends anymore). However, she might not want to answer the phone - and if she doesn't, do send her an email or a message to her mobile. I know even then I would have answered a written message - but talking was difficult, and when I phone rings, you never know what the person who calls you would want.

[wacked612]

A similar situation occured almost a year to the day. Her dad was in the hospital at the time. That time I pressed the issue and it was resolved by July 4th. (This time I'm not going to do that. I realize that I can't make the process move faster or control the outcome.)

I am glad to hear that at least calling to check on her seems ok. I've emailed but haven't heard from her in a week. I think some other things are going on as well, but I figure it's for her to tell me. I am learning not to "fill in the blanks".

The one thing she doesn't need is to know that her absence in my life at the present time is a hard adjustment for me. I figure that "standing still" is the least I can do to help. I think the most difficult part for me is having no clue what she's thinking. It's like a communication blackout.

It made sense what was said about answering the phone..not wanting to deal with anything else and not knowing what the caller is going to want. It always helps me to see it from another angle. So..thanks...

[Maylissa]

Wacked,

This might not be right for you and your GF, but it strikes me that it might be a good thing for you to lay your thoughts bare for her, in written form, so she knows what you're thinking but doesn't have to respond right away....with an eye towards tactfully and gently letting her know how much you feel for her and her suffering, but making it clear you don't expect her to 'come through' for your sake...rather a reiteration of what you've said here. For me, at least, it would have meant the world to me to know that anybody was truly wanting to help me but didn't know what to do or not do, with full details of how they were thinking. One friend had alluded to this in one email, but then remained silent ( no more emails ) for MONTHS afterwards, and then it was as if she was testing the waters to see if I'd come out of my hole more....so that she could feel more comfortable talking to me. But that's not what I wanted. I would have preferred she elaborate more on what exactly was making it difficult for her, so that I could, if I chose, explain MY position, feelings, etc. This friendship did effectively end for about 2 years and I've only recently discovered some of the ways in which she couldn't handle what I was going through, but ALSO that she DID care, but didn't know how to relate to me at the time. It would have served me much better to know that 2 years previous, instead of having to suffer anger and resentment at her lack of trying. I just always think that speaking really sincerely, right from the heart, usually gets the true intent across and reaches the heart of another much more effectively. Say what you really mean, and mean what you say, or don't say it. Just my 2 cents' worth.

[wacked612]

Maylissa,

I, too, live by the code of "say what you mean and mean what you say". I think that's why it's even harder to deal with silence. However, on the flip side, if someone seems to be trying to control me, I walk away. So, I have tried to be very conscious of the fact that if the only thing she said she needed is time and space, that's what I can give her. There's just that fine line between caring space and uncomfortable space that I am trying to find. I don't want to give her THAT much of a headstart if she's running. lol Although, I know she's really not running from me. She is very headstrong and independent, and it may be that she doesn't want to feel like she needs to depend on anyone. As life has shown her, you can trust individuals, but you can't trust life. I worry that she doesn't want to be close to anyone because it hurts too much when you lose them, regardless of the reason. Just my thoughts..it helps to at least get them out of my head without any possible damage. I appreciate others' willingness to be a sounding board and source of food for thought.

[shell]

Wacked,

I know how hard it is to walk that fine line. You want to let someone know you're there for them, but not that your presssuring or just plain bugging them! Maybe just a card to her that says something like, "If you need me, I'm here." or whatever? Sometimes brevity is best and somehow more meaningful, at least to me.

Hang in there, her feelings will get better as time goes by,

Shell

[wacked612]

Good news! We talked for about and hour this weekend. She says she has good days and bad days like everyone else here has said. It was so helpful for me to have had access to all of your thoughts and experience. I feel like I am better able to understand the process without having to ask her. For that, I am grateful to all of you who have offered your assistance. It seems it's just a matter of adjustment to find that comfort zone of being near without expectations.

[shell]

Wacked,

That is great! I think you are a really special guy to have sought out help to help her. She's one lucky lady! Give yourself a big hug from all of us here.

Continued good luck,

Shell

[Jester]

Wacked:

I really admire you doing your homework on how to help her. I admire more the fact that you understood you had no clue and decided to ask. People usually always know what to do or say, or so they think, and thus they think they are entitled to lecture people on how to do things, how long to grieve, wether one should go to mass every sunday or not, when one should stop crying, and the truth is, it's up to each and every one of us to decide the details. We are entitled to it.

I do wish my beau would come here and do his research once in a while, sadly he speaks no english...

Congrats on this new approach, and good luck for the both of you.

[wacked612]

Shell..thanks for the well wishes.

Jester..what language does he speak?

[STARKISS]

Hii All,

I just want to ask a question also, Is it normal to chase people away that are trying to support you through your grief journey.. I know that it is normal to get rid of people who say things that are not nice or are not supportive but what about others who are????

[shell]

Shelley,

Well, I didn't have THAT many people trying to help me, so I never chased away those that did. But I do know that sometimes we just want to be alone...or just left alone. We want to crawl inside ourselves and cry and cry and not have to deal with anything or anybody. Maybe that's what you're feeling. That even those who want to help you are just too much for you to handle right now.

Hugs,

Shell