"they're In A Better Place"

[Paul S]

One of the phrases that pops up from time to time on these boards, and it is one that usually gets knocked, is the phrase "They're in a better place."

It is usually spoken by well-meaning people who can't think of anything else to say about our loss, and feel that's the best they can do. So be it, but it is usually disliked by the reciever (the griever).

I never gave that much thought about it, but I've decided that I don't like it either. Now this topic isn't meant to debate the afterlife, whether there is one or not and what your concept of it is. (I believe in the Judeo-Christian Heaven, not that anyone cares).

What bugs me about the phrase is its meaninglessness. "They're in a better place." How nice. What's wrong with this place? After all, I'm here and I miss them. Hawaii is a better place. The Virgin Islands are a better place.

They're being "in a better place" just doesn't comfort me. Why couldn't they take me, too? I wouldn't mind being in a better place.

What does make me feel much better is to change it to: "They're in a safer place."

They no longer have any fears, anxieties, worries, are no longer in danger from anything, are no longer frustrated by their elderly bodies and the need to take a dozen or so pills everyday just to keep it going, are no longer troubled by any increasingly confusing and complicated world.

One thing that dwelling on this has done for me is to help me to let go. I've thought about this a lot this past month and decided that if I had the power to bring them back, would I? The answer: "No." Why? Because why would I want to bring them from a safer place to here? Isn't the safety and security of our loved ones' (be they parents, children, spouses, siblings) paramount? Knowing (or at least pretty convinced) that they're in Heaven makes a whole lotta difference.

Yeah, on some level I wish they were still here. After all, I miss them. But I am coming into my own (yes, a little late at 43, but time takes it time and there are reasons for everyting) and if there's one thing about this debate within myself, its that although I am separated from them, and miss them, I am determined to lead the moral and ethical life I think I need to so that when its my time to be recalled by the Manufacturer, I will be reunited to my parents, along with everyone else that's Up There, or will be between now and then (this includes a few people I've met on this board.)

It makes the separation just a little bit easier to deal with.

(One interesting thing is that I've had a lot of 'missing moments' or whatever they're called recently. When something happens to you, and you have this instinctive need to tell the deceased. Then you realize they'e not there.)

[shell]

Hey Paul,

I hate that expression too. I guess people mean they are not suffering anymore, but it still sounds wrong. I love your term "safer place". That really changes the way you look at it, and I have never thought of it quite that way. It has been REALLY hot where I live...(I know, you know, but putting it in for other posters) and today I said, "Well, Dad, you missed a miserable summer. Glad you don't have to go through it!" So I feel good that he has missed certain events that aren't pleasant and not had to deal with certain developements in our lives. I'd rather he was still here, of course, but I know what you mean about not wanting to bring them back from a safer place to here. I sometimes think about all the good things that someone who has died will miss, but I also think of the bad things they will miss too and it helps. Maybe death is fates (or Gods, or whatever you believe in) way of protecting us from more of lifes miseries.

Hugs,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Well, I have actually thought of it that way.....a safer place. This was something that made me feel a titch better about, in particular, our furboy's passing, as it was so painful for him. And at the time, and for many years afterwards, and still a bit at times, that thought was followed by the addendum......and safer from me...because we'd had to do a few things to him during his illness that he hated and that ultimately didn't save him anyway. ( It's a horrid feeling, as a parent, to think that you were part of your beloved's distress and that they're better off w/o some of your ministrations )

I, too, have experienced the double-edged sword of wanting them here to tell them about new events, yet also glad that they're missing some of the bad ones. That's one thing that still drives me nuts....when it's something that's directly related to them and they would be the first one you'd relay the information to, or look to for some commiseration....and it hits you with another little shock that, no, you CAN'T tell them cuz they're the ones who are gone....it's so surreal.

[shell]

Maybe it comes down to the ultimate act of love and unselfishness. While you wish, of course, that they never had to get sick and leave, they did. And because of our intense love for them, we have to be unselfish enough to "let them go", on to that safer place.

[Paul S]

It may be just a sign of how far one has come along in all this griefwork. Not to toot my own horn but the idea of not wanting my loved ones to be back here would have been unthinkable just a few months ago.

As shell said, its an act of love. And love is supposed to be unselfish.

[Haley]

It may be just a sign of how far one has come along in all this griefwork. Not to toot my own horn but the idea of not wanting my loved ones to be back here would have been unthinkable just a few months ago.

As shell said, its an act of love. And love is supposed to be unselfish.

How do you become unselfish that my question??????????

[shell]

Haley,

Well, first of all, from what I know of you, you are a very unselfish person! As everyone knows on this board, I am an animal lover and have many furbabies. When I have to have one put to sleep, it is devastating, but one of the ways I get through it is to remind myself over and over again that they are now no longer suffering whatever was ailing them, that I could give then that "gift". It doesn't help a lot, but a little and keeps me from totally falling apart. And that's all I could comfort myself with when my dad died, was that he was not suffering anymore. It helped that he looked so peaceful (and younger) after he passed. And, as Paul said, he was now in a safer place.

But, I also know that I wish with all my heart that all the people and furbabies I have lost had never gotten sick, that they were still with me. But since they did get sick, I remind myself that at least they are no longer ill, in pain, worrying, etc. It's hard, but it does bring a little comfort.

Hugs,

Shell

Paul,

"And love is suppose to be unselfish"......well put!

I agree that it is also a measure of how much griefwork someone has done. And you have come a long way and worked hard.

Haley,

You are still in the early stages, and as Paul pointed out he couldn't have thought this way a few months ago. So give yourself time. It might not be possible to think about this right now.

Hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi all:

As they say in 12-Step Recovery programs (one of which I am a member of): "You have to be selfish before you can be selfless".

This means that becoming selfless (another way of saying "unselfish") is a process. Griefwork assists in that process. You do have to take care of your own needs, and haley, concerning what you're going thru that means you have to figure out your relationship with your family (may be too early as the rubble is still bouncing) and how to incorporate your Mom's death into your life. After all this happens, then you are ready to "let go".

How long this takes is up to you. There isn't any timetable. If you rush it because someone who doesn't know any better says "you should be over it by now", then you may have overlooked something to deal with. Taking too long is wrong, but as long as you can point to progress, you're OK. There are zillions of postings on this board about progress and how to figure out if you're stuck.

And remember what shell said in the previous post:

"Haley,

You are still in the early stages, and as Paul pointed out he couldn't have thought this way a few months ago. So give yourself time. It might not be possible to think about this right now.

Hugs,

Shell"

Amen!! Take your time, and work it through. Let your emotions tell you where you need to go. This isn't something that we can think through, at least not too much. We think it through too much, and our intellect is fighting our emotions. We won't get far. This is an emotional issue. As long as you're reaching out to people who can identify with what you're going through, they can help keep you on track and balanced.

Then, after a fashion, you'll be able to think about your Mom as being in a safer place, and you'll be happy that she's there. I know that seems hard to understand right now (OH, BOY, DO I KNOW!!), but eventually, you'll see it.

[AnnC]

Hi, I'm new to the board, but your post really struck me, because I have felt this way too. I don't like that phrase "they're in a better place", and in thinking about it, it's not because I don't believe that. I DO believe he's in a better place, but I feel that phrase is said to me in the same way people say, "Stop grieving, he would want you to be happy." Well, sorry, if he wanted me to be so happy, he should NOT have died! (Yes, I know he couldn't help it, but I hate hearing that.) Those two sayings are just another way of saying that I shouldn't be grieving, so I resent them.

But I do relate to "he's in a safer place." When the hurricane hit New Orleans, I remember feeling overwhelming relief that he was safe from that. He didn't live in New Orleans, but in the South. It wasn't really geographical, it was just that I realized he is safe from any disaster, natural or otherwise. It doesn't mean I don't miss him, because I miss him terribly, but he is safe.

[shell]

AnnC,

Welcome to the board. "He wouldn't want you to be unhappy" is another one that's irritating. I think (actually I've KNOWN) people use that sometimes as an excuse to be able to go on with their lives and not grieve. This woman I knew (and her husband) pretty much went out to one bar EVERY night and when her mom died, they were at this bar the next night, saying she wouldn't want them to be unhappy, she would want them to have a party! And she never mentioned her mom again. It wasn't like they didn't get along or were bitter enemies. She just didn't want her life "interrupted" by having to be sad, I think. Not everybody has a heart. So when I hear the "they wouldn't want you to be unhappy" line, I wonder!

Yes, Pauls line about them being in a safer place is beautiful. I have thought of it many times and it makes me feel better. Wise guy, that Paul! (and sometimes a wiseguy....haha!)

Hugs to you,

Shell

[spela]

I completely agree with AnnC ... I DO believe they're in a safe, peaceful, loving place, but when people say that to you, I think they really want to say I should "stop grieving and move on".

As for the phrase "He would want you to be happy". Yes, I KNOW that. And I AM TRYING to, I want to find peace, feel happiness and gratefulness becasue I've had the chance to know him. When I hear this sentence ("he would want you to be happy"), I (almost) feel guilty because what I also hear is: "You're not trying hard enough" or "you're just feeling sorry for yourself" or "he's disappointed in you". But I know it's not so, I do know grief takes time, we are trying and making progress, we are learning to live again, and though it's a slow progress, they understand. It's just something we have to go through ...

[AnnC]

I feel that way, too. But my grief therapist said that the way to get to where you are happy again (though you still miss them always) is by doing the griefwork, and feeling your emotions, not by pretending the emotions are not there. I try to remember that she told me she likes the way I grieve. I tend to attack it and face it. I read another thread from last month where someone talked about "leaning" into grief. I think I do that. When he died, his friends said they couldn't stand to see a picture of him because it upset them so much. But I watched all my home movies of him, and looked at the home movies of our wedding, and all my pictures. I cried and cried, but I knew I needed to do that. But others say I'm just wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, "not moving on." Geez. Something good that happened, though, when his friends found out I was doing that, they sent me their pictures of him, and so did my sister.

Anyway, OF COURSE he wants me to be happy, I know they want us to be happy. I'm trying to keep in mind that the path to get there is to fully grieve the loss. So I'm trying! But I really didn't know how long grief lasts.

I do wonder, though, if I'm feeling especially bad right now because June was the anniversary of his death, and this past weekend was the anniversary of the funeral. I was doing pretty well until these anniversaries rolled around, so I suppose that is to be expected. Plus, my father has terminal cancer, so that is an added stress, and the anticipation that another grief is coming.

[Maylissa]

AnnC and spela,

Well, you've got that right.....anniversaries or any other special dates very often bring on an extra surge of grief, even apparently if we're not consciously aware of what the date is (!!), so that's perfectly understandable. Ditto for your anticipatory grief over your father. This kind of grief seems to put a real edge on one's life and seems to, as I think of it, 'tenderize' the livin' daylights out of us, so that anything else upsetting gets cranked up a notch because we're already holding our breath and feeling nerve-wracked about what's to come.

I'm just starting to read "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D. and she lists at the beginning 2 entire pages of MYTHS about grief, among them:

"Feeling sorry for yourself is not allowable".

"It is better to put painful things out of your mind."

"It is better to tell bereaved people to "Be brave" and "Keep a stiff upper lip" because then they will not have to experience as much pain."

"Grief always declines over time in a steadily decreasing fashion."

"You can find ways to avoid the pain of your grief and still resolve it successfully."

and,

"Once your loved one has died it is better to not focus on him or her, but to put him or her in the past and go on with your life."

So, as you can see, YOU'RE both on the right track and others have been misguided. I, too, use photos, music, sentimental items and whatever else I feel like to help purge my entire being of some of the sadness and anguish, AND to make myself feel that close connection to my beloveds. I simply check in with myself as I'm grieving as to if I think I'll be able to handle such 'triggers', and just put them away when I think I've had enough for that 'session'. So I think you're doing many right things to aid yourself and ARE making progress in your own time!

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I too dislike that saying and I agree what people say that it is said by people who mean well but probably do not know what else to say.. I just want to say to people when I hear that especially when they said it about my parents is that what can be better than being with their own family... I hope this does not hurt people's feelings but I wanted my parents with me ... Take care Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

It's ok to want your parents with you! It's not selfish to want them back. When someone is suffering, of course you are glad they are not suffering anymore when they die, but you still wish things had been different and they hadn't gotten sick, and that they were still here.

My dads arthritis had become so bad that he couldn't play golf anymore. And, believe me, golf was his life. This happened about two years before he died, and it broke my heart. I think he just kind of gave up, and I sometimes think he didn't really care if he died, that if he couldn't play golf anymore, and with his arthritis so painful, he just didn't want to live anymore. Of course, at the same time, it kind of hurt my feelings, that golf seemed more important to him than his family! But, as glad as I am that he is not suffering anymore (he got lung cancer very abruptly) I also wish and wish....that he hadn't gotten arthritis or cancer, etc....that he was still here, but whole again. And, of course, I sure hope there is a Heaven, that he is up there playing golf and drinking all the martinis he wants!

Hang in there, Shelley,

Shell

[Paul S]

shelley:

I, too, want my parents with me. But then I think of all the stuff that's happening in the world, it is increasingly confusing and worrying, so in a way I am glad they are safer. Free from harm and worry and anxiety. And they are with their family, their own parents whom they haven't seen in decades, plus siblings and so on.

shell:

You're Dad can play golf with my Dad Up There. Dad never wanted to play golf, always said he was never old enough. For some reason he felt that golf was played by old men, which was sort of true in my parish so I think he was just digging at the big mucky-mucks at the church.

My Dad has probably been playing on Heaven's links for 10 years. A good friend of mine died of leukemia a few months before Dad did, and they're buried near each other. So JJ probably taught him the ropes. My Mom probably caddies.

My Dad, in turn, probably takes JJ to Yankee Great ballgames. Oh, to be there instead of here. I'll skip the Yankee games, though. (Brooklyn/LA Dodgers or Washington Senators for me.)

[STARKISS]

Hi Paul S,

When you put it the way you did maybe I am glad that they are safe and happy.. I had a family picnic yesterday for the first time since both my parents died and it was actually very nice because all the family was there and it is not very often that we do get together... Take care and Thank you for the wonderful post. Shelley

[shell]

Paul,

If you were there instead of here, we'd all be lost! We all need you. Your work here is not yet done, my friend.

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Paul S,

I agree with Shell when she says that your time is not done on earth yet and if it was we would be lost.. We are all here for a reason and whether it is along time or a short time we are all special and needed to do what we can here on earth... Take care Shelley

[Paul S]

Ah, shucks... Y'all wouldn't be lost. Somebody else would show up.

One strange feeling or thought I've never (to my recollection) heard expressed is a desire to meet our deceased loved ones. That ain't gonna happen of course until we ourselves die, and despite my yearning for the Other Side, I'm not THAT ready to cross the Abyss.

But I think it would be neat to play golf with Shell's Dad, and so on.

OK, so that was a weird post, but I just felt like putting it out there.

[STARKISS]

Hi Paul S,

I do not think it is such a weird post, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to me someone in the family I never met before. But I am also not ready to cross over yet eventhough I miss mom and dad so much. Thanks for your post Paul and Take care Shelley

[shell]

Paul,

There is only one you.

That is a neat idea, to think about me, say, meeting your Mom and telling her what I think of you (don't worry, it would be good!) Or you playing golf with my Dad! Leave it to you to think of that! But we can all hope it won't be too soon, regardless of the number of times we have all wished we were there now!

Hugs,

Shell

[Jester]

Oh, that was something I heard so many times at my mother's funeral and I wanted to eat my own flesh... Or the famous "It was better this way"... No, what would have been better is if my mom hadn't gotten sick in the first place... Of course one prefers to remain diplomatic as the funeral home is not the best place to go around making a scene.

Though Paul's "They are in a safer place" sounds better, I guess I haven't gotten through much of my grieving. Maybe my mother is in a better place, or a safer one, so then, my grieving is completely senseless... Unless, of course, I am grieving for myself, as I am stuck here in a place that at times seems so horrible. I don't feel I am safe (of course, Mexico City will do that to anyone). I am stuck here, and without my mom.

I'm sorry, I am having one of my low days...

[AnnC]

Well, it's nice to know they are in a better place and all that, but you're right, it doesn't really help! I suppose we are being selfish, but the reality is that we miss them, and we want them back! Of course we want them back well and happy, not sick like before. These are natural feelings. And I never want to hear "it was better this way." How the he@@ does this person know THAT? They are just trying to make us feel better, but that's not going to happen. Eventually, after much time and grief processing, you can feel better, but not because someone says one of these annoying cliches to you!

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and that you are so alone. Anyway, your grieving is certainly not senseless. It is the natural response to a loss like you have had. We have to go through this awful grief journey to process the loss and weave it into our lives. No one wants to, but it's the way we process such a devastating loss.

This is a great place to come on those low days. I have them too, and I am sure everyone on this site does, so you are not alone.

[shell]

Hi all,

Another one I hate is "How old was he/she?" And when you say, "85" they say, "Oh, well", like it is no big deal they died. The head nurse at my doctors office and I were talking about this (her mother was "old" when she died, in fact just a few months after my dad) and she said that now when someone older asks her that she says, "Oh, just about your age!" We had a hysterical laugh session over that one!

Hugs,

Shell