Intense pain dealing with wife's death

[Justinjuice]

I lost my wife a month ago very suddenly and without any warning at age 37. Cardio arrhythmia, they could not tell me what caused it though. We did not have many friends and spent all our time together, always telling each other that it is only us against the world. We can face anything together, even if we lost everything…we will have each other. We always told that to each other to feel better when we went through difficult times. Now I have lost her, with whom can I go against the world now?

My wife had a gastric bypass surgery in 2018 and her parents now believe I caused my wife’s death, as they feel that I did not make sure that she had a healthy enough lifestyle since then, even though she was almost at her goal weight and the cause of the Cardio Arrhythmia could not be determined. I was awfully close with them and was shocked when they told me that they do no want to have any further communication with me since about 3 weeks ago. My family lives far away and I have been alone at my house for most of the time since then.

I have read about the 5 stages of grief, and I have been jumping between the first 3 stages every single day, I cannot sleep, and I feel tired and useless most of the time. I used to feel better in the mornings, but in the last week I started dreading the mornings just as much as I dreaded the evenings. I see flashes of her face in my head throughout the day, and everything reminds me of her. Sometimes when it is bad, I see her lifeless body in my arms the night when I found her on the ground, stuck in my head – playing over and over. I heard stories of other people, telling me that it is going to be a long, difficult journey forward…it might take years to get better. I cannot imagine going through this intense pain for years to come.

[kayc]

@Justinjuice  I am so sorry...my daughter just turned 38, you and your wife so young, so unfair!  Her parents are not responding their best, which is often how people react in grief...they need someone to blame.  Try to protect yourself from them as much as you can, you don't need that right now, you need supportiveness.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, and I hope something in it is of help to you today, maybe something else tomorrow.  The intensity of pain gradually lessens with time, that is, ten years from now it won't hurt the same as it did day one.  I know that's of little consolation right now, but I wanted you to know that.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Justinjuice]

@kayc Thank you for your reply and the tips to make my way through grief. 

All of the tips makes so much sense, yet some seems like impossible tasks. I will try and follow them none the less, and I appreciate your support.

[Kieron]

Welcome, and I am sorry you are going through this, and Kay has offered a lot of good feedback.  I will say that I caught my breath when I read this part:

19 hours ago, Justinjuice said:

her parents now believe I caused my wife’s death, as they feel that I did not make sure that she had a healthy enough lifestyle since then, even though she was almost at her goal weight and the cause of the Cardio Arrhythmia could not be determined. I was awfully close with them and was shocked when they told me that they do no want to have any further communication with me since about 3 weeks ago.

Um, okay... despite people lashing out and saying unkind things out of grief, I'm going to assume your wife was an adult, capable of making her own decisions.  How were you somehow in control of her diet, eating, exercise, etc.?  Ultimately it comes down to her own decision making processes.  To decide not to do the diet, the exercise, the whatever--even that is a decision.  My partner was heavy but was trying to reduce weight over years to avoid a bypass, and toward the end of his life, he was choosing to enjoy foods he should not have, being on a renal diet.  It was almost the only pleasure in life he had.  It wasn't excessive, but it wasn't helping either.  Was I responsible to monitor him all hours, police his choices?  Of course not.  I did try to get him to try some kind of movement, over the years, and he did make some attempts off and on, but ultimately, I guess, the painful joints and the rest of it made it easier to just become more sedentary.

On the other hand, you are no doubt wrestling with guilt, regret etc. all on your own, and the in-laws' comments and attitude aren't helping matters.  When you describe going through the 5 stages of grief, please keep in mind that we all cycle through them, back and forth, over and over, reaching one stage only to seemingly fall back or regress to an earlier one.

Marty would be a better advisor on this but I remember reading that Kubler-Ross's "5 Stages" is actually intended for the person who is in the dying process, but somehow it's become applied to the survivors and loved ones of the person, as well.  Like everything, the concept evolves and grows over time and we have learned more about grieving that we didn't know decades ago.

In the meantime, I notice it's been just 30 days since you lost her.  You're going to be emotionally raw, bleeding inside for awhile, as anyone would be.  Go easy on yourself in these early days, and know that the intensity does not last forever.  It does soften, as we say around here, but the grief itself will probably always be in the back of your mind, coming forward every so often to be acknowledged in some way.

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Justinjuice said:

All of the tips makes so much sense, yet some seems like impossible tasks.

They do right now...these are things I gleaned over a period of ten years...you are newly grieving and this is a process.  Take what seems most helpful to you today and the rest can be on a back burner...revisit the list later on down the road and something different will speak to you then.

Kieron mentioned something I hesitated to yesterday, about the 5 Stages of Grief, but she's correct, it wasn't written for grief over death/loss, it was for terminally ill.  
Read here for clarification: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077
The point being, we are all unique, as are our relationships and hence our loss/grief.  We will likely have some similarities but also some unique differences.  Pretty much everything we feel in grief is normal, we can go the whole gamut, even having opposite feelings at the same time!  Such as feeling relief they are not suffering, but wishing them back no matter what!  Feelings are just feelings, not inherently good or bad, they just are. 

I love that Kieron says:

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

Go easy on yourself in these early days, and know that the intensity does not last forever.  It does soften, as we say around here, but the grief itself will probably always be in the back of your mind

I have learned to coexist with my grief.  I can have happy moments or times of laughter now (I've been on my journey 15 years) but my grief is never away, it's inside of me, part of me, I carry my sorrow, my loving and missing him, with me always.  In the beginning thoughts of him brought immense pain but now thoughts often bring a smile or a warm memory.  It takes time to process this, the early grief can be some of the hardest.  Now I am growing old alone, that was not the plan, we didn't meet until our mid-40s and he died just after his 51st birthday.  We'd bought a porch swing to grow old together in, now it sits alone.  Over all too soon after it begun, we only got to know each other for 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months.  I think all of us who have lost our soulmate feel gypped.

And Kieron is right, NO WAY should your in-laws lay any guilt on you!  My husband had a heart attack, should I have been under fire because I didn't force him to quit smoking?  He'd cut back 90%, I understood he used it to calm his anxiety, he was a grown man who made his own decisions, I saw my role as encourager and supporter...he had Diabetes, I cooked healthy and didn't allow sugar in the house.  Now I am Diabetic and have learned so much more about it and wish I'd known then what I know now, but that knowledge wasn't availed to me then, not for our lack of seeking it out!  You are not responsible for your wife's death, I am so sorry they're adding to your sorrow.

 

[Gwenivere]

I can only echo what Kay and Kieron said about guilt.  My husband was told to have his prostate checked earlier and didn’t. It might have saved him.  I didn’t know he was told that, but had I known all I could have done is ask he do it.  The choice was his.  We had no way to know that small test would have drastically changed everything.  Partnerships are just that.  Not one person having more power over the other.  The last thing I would tolerate is anyone judging my love and care of him.  They have no right unless it was out and out abuse.  We can only be 'our brothers keeper' to small children who have no life knowledge/experience.  

I’m glad to see again that the grief stages were written for the dying, not the survivors.  Tho they apply and consist of more, like fear and anxiety.  Even after 5 years I experience some of them deeply.  I’ve become so accustomed to them I extend them to crisis in the now as well.  I react differently on my own than without his strength to help.  You don't realize how much the weight of life you shared.  I won’t say took for granted as none of did.  That cheapens it. It just......was.  

I’m so sorry your wife’s family is treating you so unfairly.  I hope you can insulate yourself from them as your own pain that is so new and raw is much more than enough to have to experience.