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Where did everybody go!


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Have spoken about this once before, when My Nancy passed last Dec 3 2018, the outpouring of support from friends and family was amazing, everyone wanting to know how I was doing, and offering assistance, but now there same people have disappeared off the map, every once in a while when I reach out to them, always a very thin response, very general, as if I am bothering them, sometimes they don't even respond at all, why is that? the only thing that comes to mind is that they no longer wish to hear me speak about Nancy, they've moved on, as which they are entitled to, they have their lives to tend with, and I understand that, but what I don't understand is someone that claimed to be so effected by Nancy's presence when living, and devastated when she left, can just pack their bags and move on to the next issue, even her own sister? it just doesn't make any sense to me, but that's Ok, Nancy and I still have each other, and that's all we need, the world could go away, but as long as I still have Nancy here with me, that's all that matters!! Thank you

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I didn’t know what to expect when Steve died.  Some people took it harder than others.  Or it seemed that way.  Now I think about their personality types and they pretty much match. Of course there was a lot when it happened and for a few months.  I almost felt smothered in welll intentions.  Dinners offered out or brought in, drinks,  pick up anything needed.  After a few months things slowed down and I was into counseling and adapting to so many changes I didn’t pay much attention.  In fact, people brought it up to me. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t screaming and crying when I was alone or talking with someone I knew well.  At the year mark I sent out a global email to everyone and got nice replies.  Always saying if I needed anything to call.  I thought about doing that the 2nd year but decided a year was enough for friends.  It wasn’t like he didn’t come up in conversation.

People did carry on, as the should, IMO.  They didn’t spend the kind of time nor had as deep a relationship.  I know they truly cared for him but they did have full lives to live.  We did basically the same when friends lost their loved ones.  We would ask if they needed anything and would be available if needed. People usually turn to their own blood family as time goes by.  I was fortunate I had his sister for 4 months til she suddenly passed.  His brother is not an emotionally sharing guy so I didn’t expect much from him.  He still helps me tech stuff like Steve did, but that’s about it.  You mentioned her sister.  That may be like my BIL.  I’m not a blood relative and Steve asked him to treat me as such, but you can’t force people.  I settle for  tech support.   No sharing childhood memories like his sister.  Your SIL Has her own grief and isn't obligted to share that with you.  I don’t know what the relationship was like before Nancy left.  

It’s been over 5 years now and I’ve watched and live all the changes.  They are really only relevent to me.  Seems saying I am a widow only counts when I have legal or medical things come up and don’t have someone that can help me.  It happens having to ask neighbors or strangers for help with things I cannot do.  

I know how he affected and enriched the people he cared about lives.  They do to.  There is only one person that I discovered used him and banished from my life and am grateful Steve did not know fully, tho he suspected.  Maybe you need to ask yourself just what you want or expect from her friends.  Maybe it warrants telling them, but honestly?  I doubt it.  Not unless you were tight with them as well and you were asking for yourself, not her since she isn’t here to return anything to them.

i know it’s hard and lonely and we want them to matter to everyone as much as they did to us.  But if that were the case, I would  be drowning in grief of people we lost that I miss terribly, but cannot take under my wing as full time grief.  

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On 7/18/2020 at 2:37 PM, JimJim said:

it just doesn't make any sense to me

I'm sorry that you feel that others don't care Jim.  I'm sure they still care.  I think we are living in some other dimension in 2020, and I do not like to watch the kind of movies that have us living in a world that we do not know, but don't you feel that this is some other dimension, like a bad dream?  One of my "acquaintances" this morning led off her speech on Facebook that this was all a political ploy (to what outcome, I sure don't understand). They had colon cancer written on Billy's death certificate, and I think it was liver cancer, but in the big picture, he is still gone and any other diagnosis would not bring him back.  

I'm not sure people are shying away from you because you lost Nancy.  They are shying away from everyone. Both of my middle aged children are "down" with positive Covid diagnoses.  They will be until the diagnosis comes back clear of Covid.  I don't know how long that will take.  People are fighting about wearing masks, that making us do this is taking away one of our "rights."  Well, my son works at the VA Hospital, he and other medical care people come down with Covid in spite of masks (double), head gear, gloves and in some cases a hazmat suit.  My kids have friends and relatives (including me) that leave things at their door.  We knock and we wave.  

Maybe it is not "coldness" on the part of your friends.  I know you miss Nancy.  I am living among people that are relatives and lifelong friends, but we are all afraid to congregate together, no church, no restaurant eating.  We order and we pick up on the outside if we order from a restaurant.  My granddaughter and I sat through 12 years of watching "Bones" and I was so glad to get that show over with.  I am more of a reader.  

The first few months, years, forever, that is the hardest.  It is almost impossible to come to terms with.  I actually made plans to "follow" Billy with no thoughts of anyone but myself being with the person I could not live without.  I'm living.  And, I've got to say this, one year, it might take 2-3 years, but one year you will notice that the seasons have changed.  You will actually see the beauty of daffodils and spring flowers I do not know the names of, the Bradford pear tree will blossom in a white flourish, you will see the new fluorescent greens of new leaves after a world only seen as dead trees and dried dead leaves.  You will see the different colors of the clover they plant along interstate  highways, and somehow or other you will later on see the leaves of autumn turning colors.  You won't feel as free and happy as you felt with Nancy by your side, but you can tell Nancy how pretty they are, and believe that Nancy sees them too.  I still, after nearly five years talk to the night sky and Billy, especially when I can see the moon.  

They have not all left you, we are all just going through this year 2020 craziness that has touched all of us.  My best to you my friend.  

I have a habit of writing something and then not submitting.  When I go to look for it, I did not "submit" it.  I'm sorry.

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Forgive me if I've already posted this for you but it came to mind as I read your post.  http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html

 

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